posted December 05, 2010 02:07 AM            

Connection to Father
Being a typical female scorpio, I can say that it is true that all female scorpios secretly wish they were born male. That being said, we also naturally feel more connected and identify more with our fathers. My father was always the most important part of my life ever since I met him at the age of 6 months. He was in the Coast Guard so he was gone a lot, more specifically he was in the branch of the Coast Guard that couldn't talk about their assignments, but that is another story for another time. Soon after I was born he was deployed and so i didn't officially meet him until i was 6 months and since then he was everything. It absolutely crushed me when my mom told me he was moving away. I had known he was moving far away even before my mom told me where exactly he was moving. Since my parents separation I only saw my father twice, the first time was for a decent amount of time and he took my sister and me to do all sorts of memorable things, and then it was over much too soon.

Isolation
Regardless of the fact that my father couldn't be in my life I was always in seclusion. Being the youngest of three I had desired to play with my older brother and sister but they were so much older that they didn't want to play with me. Because of being isolated by my older sibling I began to play by myself, I'd have my sisters dolls and my brothers trucks. Sometimes I'd take stuff apart and try to put them together again just like my brother, other times i'd daintily play with my sisters dolls just like her. The older I got, the more isolated I would became. My depression may have had a lot to do with that, but now? I'm not so depressed and I still isolate myself. If my laptop never fried on me then I wouldn't come out of my room except to eat. Mom calls it my hole or cave, but I call it my sanctuary, its my comfort zone. I think my laptop breaking was a sign from pluto to stop being so isolated, he told me "enough, time to stop being so alone," and since I have reconnected with a dear friend.

I had isolated myself from my friends as I had my family. Until the 5th grade I virtually had no friends besides a small handful of acquaintances. And then, I got my first REAL friend. She offered her shoulder when I needed it the most and she became like a drug to me. For a year she was all I had regardless of the further acquaintances. Then, in the 6th grade, I got my second best friend. We were like the three musketeers only weird and would only associate with each other on an excessive basis. When we all felt comfortable enough to come out of our shells by ourselves, we finally were able to get over our addictions of each other.

to be continued tomorrow (3 parts in total)...

Edit: also, if you dont mind, please dont respond until i have all parts posted

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 12:52 PM            

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 01:50 PM            

Depression
While I was in elementary I lost my father, afterwards I became severely depressed. I have written about that in another thread so I wont elaborate too much on that. But while I was depressed I isolated myself further. I would only speak to who I called a friend and that was only 2 people. Their friendship helped me come out of it but not so much that I totally came out of my shell. By the 8th grade I finally began to come out of my shell enough to talk with others a little. My favorite class in all of school was always art because it was the only place that I could express myself without words. And, you guessed it, my art was always dark. I would not make a light piece unless asked. After a while, thanks to my Gemini and libra best friends, I began to have acquaintance-friends which is a person who is more than just someone I talk to on occasion but not quite a friend yet. While in middle school, I was often seeing a counselor and asked the stupidest questions and told the stupidest things. These were things I already knew and things that didn’t apply to me, such as “your parents splitting up wasn’t your fault” and “do you ever feel like you want to kill yourself?” yea, sure, because you keep asking me these stupid questions. But no, I never had suicidal thoughts and I always knew that my parents splitting up was their issue. I took medicine but that never helped. In fact, it helped to make my depression worse. Not only the anti-depression medicine, but I took medicine I didn’t need such as birth control medicine. I was 13 for crying out loud, what 13 year old needs birth control medicine? Taking all these pills I didn’t need itself made me depressed because someone out there thinks I actually need all of them when I really didn’t. After a while I began to get depressed because I didn’t have support from my family. I felt that if I randomly began to exercise I’d be picked on because I began to get overweight and that crushed me the most. I always got made fun of by my sister and mother because of my weight and large breasts. My brother would yell at me to clean my room, even though it was a shared room with my sister, while his room was messier than mine. Being as stubborn as I was I refused unless my sister helped because most of the mess was hers. I had always hated sharing my room with my sister, I wasn’t able to have the sanctuary I always craved. When my sister discovered she was pregnant, my brother told us he was moving out. At this time I was having mixed feelings. I was happy that my brother was moving out, that meant it was going to get my own room, but then I was happy yet nervous about the new baby on the way because he was the first baby in the family since me so I didn’t know how to handle an infant. Needless to say, I retreated into my shell further, or rather my newly created cave. At this point, as you may have guessed, I substituted my shell for a cave. Instead of being in a metaphorical shell where I didn’t socialize, I remained in a literal cave where I couldn’t socialize. I am out of my depression, mostly, now and I don’t stay within my cave as much as I used to as I have mentioned before.

New School
My transition from middle school to high school wasn’t exactly smooth. I was the awkward freshmen who had no idea where she was going, I was just glad I never made the mistake of walking into the wrong classroom, thanks to a map. However, I did make the mistake of walking onto the wrong bus on more than one occasion. Don’t worry, not all of those occasions was solely in high school. After a while I began to get used to the high school life, but then the freshmen year was over. As a freshmen I didn’t make too many friends. Then again, I didn’t need to. By my sophomore-junior years I really began to come out of my shell and I began to make more friends, and of course I still took art classes and yes, the art was still dark. By my senior year I had a lot of friends and new best friends. My Gemini and libra best friends and I would sit in the same classroom every morning with my new best friends, one being a Taurus (I don’t know the others sun signs). And yes, if you didn’t notice, but here, I began to get earth friends when all this time I had air friends. I began to get friends who I relate to on a deeper, realer level. My senior year was the year of major change for me. It was the first year I didn’t take art and it was the year I began to get in contact with my grandfather. For once, I began to really take hold of my Pluto, I really began to change.

Graduation
When I graduated, the first thing I did was call my grandfather. He just blew me off with an “I don’t care” attitude so I went out drinking with my niece and nephews godfather (who was just a year ahead of me in school). It was my second official time I drank. My father was already dead and now my grandfather, my fathers father, doesn’t care a hoot about me. I receded into my shell again, the first time in a long time. You can rest assured I haven’t spoken to him since and now that he has my sister and me on a trust fund I’m secretly wishing something would happen to him. Cruel, I know. But my sister and I, and a half sister my dad had from a previous relationship are my fathers only descendants and he doesn’t care for us in the least. My grandfathers second wife I don’t even call grandmother, she hasn’t earned the title from me, she has been in my life as much as my grandfather. I don’t bitterly resent them, I just mildly hate them and trust me, there is a difference.

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 02:40 PM            

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 03:01 PM            

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 06:57 PM            

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 09:36 PM            

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 05, 2010 10:31 PM            

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Consider anything, only don't cry...

posted December 06, 2010 07:55 PM            

i have gem asc, scorp sun (if you didnt guess, lol), leo moon