posted December 14, 2010 04:48 AM            

2) We came to believe that we were not responsible for our abuse.

3) We made the decision to make a safe and healthy life for ourselves and our children.

4) We made an inventory of the factors that led us into an abusive relationship and learned the behaviors of potential abusers in order to avoid them in the future. 5) Admitted that we can develop a safe, healthy and happy relationship with ourselves and others.

6) We learned to love ourselves.

7) We learned to trust ourselves and others.

8) We made a list of all the things we never intend to endure again.

9) We made a vow to live our lives the way we desire and deserve to live them.

10) Continued to watch for the signs we have learned that indicate we are involved with an abusive individual or that indicate we are in danger of being involved in an abusive relationship so that we may avoid both.

11) Seek through support, determination, knowledge and our own power, to continue to live safe and happy lives achieving what we are destined to.

12) Having experienced a personal rebirth by passing through these steps, we are now ready to carry this message of hope to others.

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quote:

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Being loved by all is little fun
Unless you're also loved by one.
~Robert Brault

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posted December 14, 2010 04:49 AM            

2. Spend as much time around supportive, loving people as possible. This may be friends and family, and/or could include a counselor or coach. Not only do you need to fill your social calendar and avoid isolation, you also need the counterprogramming that your loved ones can provide you. In the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship, victims will frequently carry around the messages of criticism and self doubt even after the relationship has been terminated. See you friends, and listen to them.

3. Honor your instincts. As you meet new people or interact on current relationships, begin to hone in on how they make you feel. Are you energized and positive when you spend time with this person? Or do you feel anxious, small or confused? These were likely the feelings you experienced when around your emotional abuser, but perhaps you tuned them out. Now is the time to pay attention to red flags, especially when you get to the point of meeting potential new relationships.

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quote:

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Being loved by all is little fun
Unless you're also loved by one.
~Robert Brault

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posted December 14, 2010 04:57 AM            

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quote:

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Being loved by all is little fun
Unless you're also loved by one.
~Robert Brault

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posted December 14, 2010 10:00 AM            

As someone who had been studying psychology for 7 yrs now, as a professional all I can say is that this was intended as positive, loving strategy.

Thats all.

posted December 14, 2010 11:54 AM            

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quote:

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Being loved by all is little fun
Unless you're also loved by one.
~Robert Brault

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posted December 14, 2010 01:12 PM            

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Begin to nurture yourself…some grew up expecting their romantic partners to give them the nurturing they hungered for, only to be disappointed. But our partners are not our parents, no matter how much we try to make them into parents. No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected to

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This is such a hard lesson to learn. I have to tell myself this all the time in my relationships. It's amazing how issues from your childhood can haunt you long after you become an adult.

posted December 14, 2010 01:49 PM            

OR get suckered into believing that you are EXPECTED to heal someone else... that was the worst.

My ex used that on me a lot, guilt and need, and helplessness, while he justified his acts because obviously he could not help himself...

I felt too much responsibility for that person, and it was sucking all of good in my life down into his black hole.

posted December 14, 2010 02:20 PM            

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Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

*An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
*The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
*The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

*An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
*A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
*A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
*A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
*An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
*An extreme need for approval and recognition
*A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
*A compelling need to control others
*Lack of trust in self and/or others
*Fear of being abandoned or alone
*Difficulty identifying feelings
*Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
*Problems with intimacy/boundaries
*Chronic anger
*Lying/dishonesty
*Poor communications
*Difficulty making decisions

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posted December 14, 2010 04:43 PM            

That co-dependency was DEFINITELY me. I was really programmed to save others, before I realized that was NOT LOVE, and it was NOT HEALTHY. AND, that I was enabling bad people to do bad things.

Thankfully one really bad relationship jarred me into reality - causing me to deeply re-evaluate myself and see what was wrong. What I had done to allow and even participate in the situation.

posted December 14, 2010 04:47 PM            

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Originally posted by BearsArcher:
I completely neglected to even mention that PS. Great point and I have seen that in others as well. People that get into relationships where the other person uses them in order to heal a past hurt, yet no matter what the "healer" does it is never enough. Often, they (the healer) fall victim to antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder people.

Sorry you had to go through that.

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BearsArcher,

I know that it was extremely painful to go through what I went through, and extremely scary, because I DID meet up with a sociopath, however...

I would not want to trade who I am now, for who I WAS. With what I learned about myself, my strength and my faith, love, I AM who I want to be, because I had to face such a terrible obstacle.

It made me stronger