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Author
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Topic: The Dark Night of the Soul
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LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 21, 2011 06:12 PM
  
Added to my dark night of the soul is my frustration over finding out what all is wrong with this body.
Latest thing is in addition to the unexplained ongoing pain, often near intolerable,
I am plagued with intermittent
bleeding from 6 of the bodily orifices, not counting ears.
Oh the various doctors want to run all kinds of tests......
however they demand it be under general anesthesia which they know I cannot have.
So yay.....I have to sign forms refusing the tests so I cannot sue them.
If I agreed to general anesthesia, my chances of it killing me or stroking me out is too high.
And again, they make one sign a waiver for anesthesia if it kills or injures one, they cannot be sued.
I hear words like,
your symptoms are not good.
We need to rule out cancer(s).
Yay......
Now what?
So here I sit,
wondering if I will even be alive 6 months from now.
And if I can get tests, can I afford them and treatment if needed?
Probably not, barring a lottery win or miracle.
So yeah.....life sucks enough and now in addition to emotional/relationships/financial etc., issues;
I got a possible specter of doom looking over my shoulder. 
Rant over for now.
Going out somewhere private to throw fits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJ_W8PGeac&feature=related
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I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feasts.
~LEXX
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 21, 2011 06:25 PM
I also notice that the gloom and doom depression has been alternating with anger and wild rages, some well justified, others just crazy.
I can at least rest, sleep with gloom and doom and depression and resignation to a degree.
However this wild rage is cause of?
Result of?
These terrible new breeds of nightmares that I even wake up screaming from or bawling my eyes, heart, and soul out uncontrollably.
That is highly unusual for me to say the least.
What is happening????????????????
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJ_W8PGeac&feature=related
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I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feasts.
~LEXXThe mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 21, 2011 06:50 PM
quote:
Originally posted by teasel:
Also, nobody said anything about becoming a monster.
I said it. I know It can happen easily. I suppose it was taken as an accusation? As if I was pointing a giant foam finger at you and saying this is what you are.   IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 18426
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 10:02 AM
 ------------------
"The stars which shone over Babylon and the stable in Bethlehem still shine as brightly over the Empire State Building and your front yard today. They perform their cycles with the same mathematical precision, and they will continue to affect each thing on earth, including man, as long as the earth exists." Linda Goodman IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 10:26 AM
If it were only me feeling this way.........
then I'd say I have a problem and need professional help.
However,
of late,
seems to be an awful lot of folks in the same or similar,
seemingly unending dark night of the soul. 
So what is happening?
The bad people go through life all bliss and blithely but we sensitive empathic caring folks seem to be having an awful lot of unwarranted unexplained hardship, turmoil, grief, resignation, desperation, apathy, and etc.
Are we being trained for a bigger purpose or tortured because "something" wants us to go away, give up etc.?
Things just don't add up logically.
Something is afoot?
Well I am not close to breaking,
I am breaking, shattering, and don't really know where it will take me.
Going into the black hole,
cannot stop
will I come back out?
I AM SCARING MYSELF.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJ_W8PGeac&feature=related
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I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feasts.
~LEXXThe mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 22, 2011 12:45 PM
Our dog chases animals through the woods, he was buckshot in his front leg this morning. Possibly twenty gauge shells, too small for twelve gauge. It was so swollen.
No vets are open due to thanksgiving. We bought penicillin shots and anti-infection spray. He is resting now, poor guy. Probably wandered into one of the neighbors yards that live farther out than us. He managed to get back to our yard limping on three paws IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 01:14 PM
Mblake81
Hope your dog will be OK.IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 1470
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 02:04 PM
LexxThe bad people are sleeping~ They are not aware of anything that goes on in life cept themselves...had one too many "bad people" invade my life. We sensitives take on the pain of the world, but somebody has to... My big thing is to remember to let the pain go  which I usually forget to do. IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 02:11 PM
Randall
I deeply apologize for going nutters here in front of everyone.
Please bear with me.
I can still perform my moderator duties.
Coming here and posting and trying to help folks is about all that I look forward to with anticipation and interest every day.
Maybe even my breaking will help folks in some way.
On that note;
going off for some primal screaming and to bruise my knuckles on an inanimate object.
Also gave my meds to my ex to be so I do not
"forget" and take too many.
I seriously do not trust myself at this time.
Healing energy is highly appreciated.
I cannot do this by myself any longer.
Is it true one is not really nutters yet if they can ask for help?????????????
Pitifully LEXX says;
"Help Me"
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I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feasts.
~LEXX The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 02:20 PM
quote:
Originally posted by hippichick:
LexxThe bad people are sleeping~ They are not aware of anything that goes on in life cept themselves...had one too many "bad people" invade my life. We sensitives take on the pain of the world, but somebody has to... My big thing is to remember to let the pain go which I usually forget to do.
You are so right.
And I know you have been through hell too.
Yeah, what is it with me?
I attract the Heroin addicts, the pistol whippers, the abusers, the rapists, the homicidal jealous over nothing,
the greedy needy, the mommy needers, the paranoid, the control freaks, the liars, the cheaters, the drunks, the suicidal, even murderers...........arrrgghhhh.........
I must be seriously messed up.
IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 22, 2011 02:46 PM
quote:
Originally posted by LEXX:
Mblake81
Hope your dog will be OK.
His breathing has relaxed and he is eating bologna, good signs. He is a bluetick hound mixed with unknown. His name is Ranger. Looks like this except his ears are not floppy and large. Very active at night, they are bred to "tree" animals and make a call for the hunters. Boowwooooowwwooooooo... Like in the second photo.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluetick_Coonhound The Bluetick Coonhound is a type of hound and is typically bred in the southern United States. Appearance The overall body style of the Bluetick Coonhound is muscular and speedy, not chunky or clumsily built. The head is carried well up and the tail carried over the back, without signs of fear or nervousness. The Bluetick coat should be moderately coarse and glossy. The Bluetick Coonhound gets its "blue" coloring from black/white mottling which gives the impression of a navy blue color. This mottling covers the body and can be interspersed with variously-shaped black spots on the back, ears and sides. Preference runs to more blue than black on the body. Black should predominate on the head and ears. Bluetick Coonhounds should have tan dots over the eyes and on the butt cheeks will be dark red. male coonhounds should be 22 to 27 inches at the shoulder and weigh approximately 55 to 80 pounds. Females are considerably smaller, being 21 to 25 inches at the shoulder and weighing between 45 to 65 pounds. The body should be higher at the shoulder than the hips, and when measured from the withers to the base of tail it should be slightly longer than tall. Blueticks (as they are known by fanciers) should have a deep chest with well sprung ribs, curving into the belly rather than having an extreme tucked up look. Temperament Bluetick Coonhounds are gentle with children and loyal, loving pets, but they can be challenging to train. They are the breed least likely to be aggressive to people, but they should not be trusted around cats or other small animals(They will kill them). They are, like their hound counterparts, very intelligent breeds, with an uncanny knack for problem-solving. This can be particularly problematic if they are confined to a household or too small a yard, and one should give this breed plenty of space. Once trained, the breed is very mindful of its owner. Breed will drool occasionally. They are very loud, constant, and howling barkers. They are bred to be working hunting dogs and can be a challenge to lazy pet owners. In normal conditions the dog is excellent around families and children. Once trained, they are mindful, friendly dogs. However, their noses will keep them in trouble, so food and garbage should not ever be left out unattended. Often mistaken for aggressiveness, the breed will "greet" strangers with its signature howl and will sniff the subject until satisfied. Usually this is just the way the breed gets to know its subjects. Since Blueticks are driven by their strong sense of smell, they make excellent hunting/tracking dogs. They will tree any animal that is small and handle the best of the coon hound breeds. *No I do not hunt raccoons, but ranger will go after them at night on instinct, also possums, rabbits etc etc. When he is on his back legs and his front paws are stretched out, his paws are close to my shoulders. Rain or Sunshine, when I come home he wants his Bear Hug. Loving Dog.
IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 03:18 PM
Glad he is doing better. quote:
Originally posted by Mblake81:
When he is on his back legs and his front paws are stretched out, his paws are close to my shoulders. Rain or Sunshine, when I come home he wants his Bear Hug. Loving Dog.
Sweet!  IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 22, 2011 03:26 PM
I hear this every night normally around 1-3amSignature Howl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL5o8MudheQ&feature=related Rangers is deeper because he is male, the dog is in the video is female. IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 03:27 PM
Cool!  PS.
Will try and be back later.
Need to go out for a bit.
Hope your dog will be OK.{{{hugs}}}
Thanks for sharing. IP: Logged |
teasel
Knowflake Posts: 4570
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 03:34 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Mblake81:
I said it. I know It can happen easily. I suppose it was taken as an accusation? As if I was pointing a giant foam finger at you and saying this is what you are.
No, I took it as what I could be heading towards. I know I'm not a monster. Now I get to use an alien face. IP: Logged |
teasel
Knowflake Posts: 4570
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 03:35 PM
Glad your dog it okay. He reminds me a bit of my Walter. IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 22, 2011 04:26 PM
He is doing better than he was, but far from ok. We were able to get a few vets on the phone for advice.One said he will live, the other flat out said he will fight for his life. Buckshot is a nasty thing that's meant to kill, he is in pain and nothing I can do about it. IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 04:33 PM
Hope he will be OK. Now back on topic a little. Anyone in agony over abdominal pain can relate to this picture I feel.
I am not talking your basic belly ache but the
severe disabling kind or the kind that might be deadly.  IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 18426
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 04:45 PM
No need to apologize, LEXX. MB, eating baloney (as we call it in the south) is a great sign.------------------
"The stars which shone over Babylon and the stable in Bethlehem still shine as brightly over the Empire State Building and your front yard today. They perform their cycles with the same mathematical precision, and they will continue to affect each thing on earth, including man, as long as the earth exists." Linda Goodman IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 06:57 PM
Thank you Randall.  Update:
As if I was not gloomy enough,
now my legs are barely working at the moment. 
And the pain.......no words for.........
What next geeeezzzz.
going to bed. IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 22, 2011 08:41 PM
Ok.....stoned out of my mind on Vicodin and Zanaflex and Peppermint Kahlua in coffee. Decided to stay up few more minutes. Agony down yay! However worthless for pretty much anything but letting myself go with the relaxation and stoned state. 
I guess sometimes one must just say frake it and go with the amount of kicker drugs the doctor prescribed.  ------------------
I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feasts.
~LEXX The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 22, 2011 09:24 PM
quote:
Originally posted by LEXX:
Ok.....stoned out of my mind on Vicodin and Zanaflex and Peppermint Kahlua in coffee. Decided to stay up few more minutes. Agony down yay! However worthless for pretty much anything but letting myself go with the relaxation and stoned state.
I guess sometimes one must just say frake it and go with the amount of kicker drugs the doctor prescribed.
IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 23, 2011 12:21 AM
Gods the meds wore off.
Bad bad omg
sick omg
dry heaves
pain pain pain
fuk
bp very low
fuk
bad ugh
might need to go offline a few days
will have someone tell Randall
if things get worse
bye
for
nowIP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 23, 2011 12:40 AM
Oh hell, do you need to see a doctor?IP: Logged |
Mblake81
Knowflake Posts: 2299
From: A Mutation of Unknown Origins.
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 23, 2011 03:54 AM
quote:
Originally posted by teasel:
Hard to do when you're living with others. I used to keep just about everything to myself, and felt better about that, but you hold so much in, then it's going to spill one day.
Like a pressure cooker. ----------- I hope things have eased and you can recover soon Lexx. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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