posted December 29, 2011 02:45 AM            

It's taken me a long time to write this to you, perhaps longer than you deserve. I'm not sure quite where to start considering the immensity of what I wish to say to you, but I guess I should begin with this: despite the many years between when we first met in junior high and now, I still carry within myself a very deep hurt, which was inflicted by your constant bullying towards me when we were young. You may not remember how much you deliberately hurt me, or perhaps you do… It doesn't matter. Even though I am 24 years old and have moved on from many difficulties I had throughout junior high and high school, I will always remember the pain that you put me through.

I remember in the 6th grade when we sat next to each other in Mr. Chappelle's math class. I had long hair then that I had never cut. Mr. Chappelle was arrested that week, and we had a substitute teacher who wasn't paying any attention to us. While I wasn't looking, you put glue and tape in my hair. When I had told you to stop, you continued to do it, laughing at me along the way. I began to cry, though silently with tears I tried so hard to hold back. Chris Bryant was sitting at a table adjacent to us and told you to stop because I was crying. You told me to look at you and asked me, "Are you crying?", like I was the most pathetic person you knew for feeling hurt. I was a broken person then, teased for many years prior for being Asian or "weird" as others called it, and at that moment I couldn't stop you from harassing me. You continued to put tape in my hair and glue until the bell rang. I went to the bathroom and cried for the next hour, untangling my hair. I never told anyone what happened out of shame and hopelessness, something I will always regret not doing. I cut my hair in my bathroom out of anger towards myself that evening.

You should never had gotten away with doing that to me, but I feared you. I feared you telling everyone else that I had told on you. I was already a broken person, having come from an abusive household; I feared more taunts, more glares, more isolation. I was already scared of home - school, though difficult, was my only escape.

You probably think that it's silly for me to rehearse a memory from so long ago, but I do it to demonstrate the immensity of your actions against me at that moment and through many other taunts and malicious jeers you directly towards me afterward. That memory still remains and represents a long struggle I've had with myself. Every so often, I wonder what I did to make you dislike me so. I wonder why I was too weak to do anything, that all the painful memories I remember because of you were really my own fault for not standing up for myself. I was never unkind to you, never rude, never against you in any manner… yet you determined that I was someone deserving of such treatment. Until this day, these thoughts still linger, and so do the scars of being traumatized at such a young age for no valid reason whatsoever.

With that said, I don't blame you completely for all the bullying that I went through during those years, but you were a major character in that chapter of my life. I have no expectations of you to respond to this message as you either will not care (as you didn't care when we were younger) or you may not know what to say to me. Sorry would suffice, but I don't expect that from you either. Facebook is a lame form of communication, but it will do… I write this for myself in hopes that you may realize the immensity of your actions and that, yes, sometimes it lasts many years… I hope you are doing well, and are perhaps less inclined to pick on the helpless and undeserving.

posted December 29, 2011 03:08 AM            

The second letter was to Dave - I knew almost all my life. He was "nice" to me in junior high, meaning he generally just disregarded me, which I was fine with. No contact is better than any contact.

When I was in high school, I dated a guy for a week. I didn't know it, but his group of "friends" actually really hated him and teased him behind his back. Dave was amongst those people. When I broke up with the guy, he told all his friends that we had sex (we never did) even though we barely dated for a week. I guess he did it to be popular with his "friends", perhaps sensing that they didn't really like him as much as they pretended. I was already bullied, as evident in my first letter. His "friends" decided to begin a witch hunt against me. They spread the rumor all over the school that I was a cheap **** who was desperate to sleep with anyone.

I was called a w-hore outloud in the middle of our lunchroom by that group of boys. Of course, none of the teachers ever heard nor cared... The table would laugh at me... People nearby would look at me like I was dirtiest, most disgusting person they'd ever seen. I would see them in public, and the boys would say, "So how does it feel knowing you had sex with (ex's name)?!" then jeer and laugh at me. I was traumatized for two years. I still remember holding back the burning tears, so afraid to say anything yet so upset and angry at them. I was such a defeated girl then... I should have reported them for sexual harassment (because that is sexual harassment even if they weren't touching me), but as those who may have been bullied as well... you feel so helpless and defective. Oh, how I wish I said something. I wrestle within myself... so angry that I never said anything, that I was so weak. Yet I know I never deserved any of it... When it comes to my past, I feel so conflicted. They often say that those without a past have no future... What about those who want no past?

posted December 29, 2011 06:55 AM            

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My greatest fear... with the first person... is that she'll completely deny that she ever bullied me and call me crazy... It's such a silly paranoia, but amongst other things... it burns in my mind.

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It's not silly at all. ♥

I hope they respond and give you the apology you need. But, if they don't, at least you got this off your chest. I hope you find closure.

posted December 29, 2011 08:21 AM            

Very brave.

posted December 29, 2011 09:40 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted December 29, 2011 04:38 PM            

Eventually I learned that I had to fight back and show that I can't be made an easy target of.

posted December 31, 2011 09:45 PM            

I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a strong person and I'm sure that you can put these people behind you. The letters are a good way put an end to this period in your life. You can say to yourself: "It is OUT there now. They have been given the opportunity to apologize and to understand their behaviour was *wrong*. If they don't - they don't! It's their karma."
You can't control how they react to this - and where they are at maturity-wise, at this point in their lives. Please don't be scared about their reaction or lack-there-of. It's very important for you to draw a line with this and understand that you have done *enough*.. You have done your part to bring this to a spiritually -positive- conclusion. They neither need nor deserve any more of your time, emotion and attention.

The reason I did not reply earlier is that sometimes, being a pretty watery person - I try to understand a situation and to really get a feel for - what it is the person needs to *hear* deep down/what they need to receive as *emotional support*.
In this situation - I felt like you are going through something like a cleansing process... and you are doing really well on your own, maybe better than you realize.. So I felt like I really shouldn't get involved in any way (by replying or giving you my opinions). Maybe this is strange - I'm not sure. The mental imagery I would associate with this 'feeling' is like dipping my finger in a still lake and creating ripples... when it is actually 'unwelcome'.
I realize it's counterintuitive that it would be 'unwelcome'.. since you actually asked for opinions&advice - I'm not sure why I had this intuition, but this is what prevented me from saying anything.

Also - I'm sorry I mentioned it on the other thread as it wasn't connected and I shouldn't have brought it up in that context.

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PS.
I have a feeling it's close to NYE in US - so

posted January 06, 2012 03:33 AM            

I deleted the comment, went back a few days later, and had one fear confirmed: they didn't even remember me. my confidence had been thrashed, I'd spent many years thinking that I was too ugly to be seen (but not too ugly to be used by anyone wanting to use my "nice little figure" - not that I let anyone do so), and too unlikable to exist. The words of the people who loved me, couldn't put a dent in what they'd done (and what my grandmother had started - as well as the violence from one of my mother's boyfriends, and the sociopath we lived with for a while).

October 2010, I ended up back there, crying again (Sun hits my 12th at that time every year), and admitted under the same picture, that I'd been suicidal, thanks to their actions. I'd also thanked the one girl who stood up for me (once) who was tagged in the picture, in 2009, and she ended up adding me on fb, as a friend.

posted May 08, 2012 02:27 AM            

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Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

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posted June 21, 2012 01:02 AM            

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Originally posted by ElizabethO:
Thank you for all the warm words. No word from either one of them. I really wish they would say sorry, though I'm sure they both will think me so insignificant and pathetic to themselves to not respond. I've reconciled with myself with that truth, but I can still wish...

Bullying and abuse is a cycle really... Bullies are either abused/neglected themselves or spoiled brats. Then they either abuse/neglect their kids, or spoil, then continuing on the system.

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posted June 21, 2012 03:02 AM            

You are very brave for facing those demons. Bullies should realize how their behaviour affects the people they victimize. It's difficult enough dealing with with other aspects of life, especially for those of us who came from an abusive past and then have to put up with such crap, just adding a load of scum to our lives we don't need nor deserve (more so when you didn't even do a darn thing to the bully) but then again they don't need a reason.

Don't ever allow another to make you feel inferior/compromise your integrity/take away your self worth etc.
Never allow them to change who you are, especially if you're a kind hearted person.

Be true to yourself. Stand up for yourself.

A very good friend told me, "Never give your Power and always give your Love."

Those words helped me. It's THEIR issues, not yours.

Be strong.
Live your Life and enjoy all you have achieved, enjoy the company of those you Love and all that fills your Life with purpose.

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quote:

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Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

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posted June 21, 2012 03:24 AM            

I have dealt with nasty people, but never been bullied...or never felt like I had been. I was lucky. In school, they left me alone for some reason.

I had a friend who was not so lucky and got picked on in a few classes (i was not there with her, otherwise would have protected/ stuck up for her)

I'd imagine something like that could cut deep and stick with you for awhile, if it were bad enough and went on for a long time.

I wish you healing and closure.

As one poster said: Be a strong, determined, self-directed, woman who inspires and nurtures others.

There are too many people out there who just want to tear you down. Stay strong and don't let them.

It gets easier as you get older.......and wiser.

Lotsa Love