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Author
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Topic: Needing Flirtation to feel Content
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Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 469
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted January 28, 2012 06:19 PM
  
Why is it that some of us are content with visual stimulation or "racy" books, or listening to random strangers tell us "suggestive" things to feel satisfied sensually, but others, like me, need that one-on-one flirtation, the wordplay that turns me on mentally, and makes me feel desirable, and gets the physical reactions going? I feel alone in this, and honestly a little tortured as to me, true and honest flirtation only happens when both parties are working toward actually "being together", and there is no other way to get it on a consistent without stepping outside your established relationship. I should have prefaced that with the fact that my Gemini hubby doesn't seem to understand how to flirt unless it's making flattering physical comments in an effort to get immediately laid when he's in the mood and I'm not. Yes, he calls me gorgeous, which I love to hear, but there is no banter and I miss getting that. I know he "gets off" on **** ***** (google if you, I'm not elaborating here and I may edit this later as I don't know who can read this) and ***** ****, but I'm not into random people acting out stuff, whether it's on paper or the computer screen, and I can't get my dose of verbal build-up without leading some guy on, whether it might be a guy friend or the cashier at a store.I have a guy friend who can be flirtatious the way I enjoy (not crossing any sexual boundaries, but playful and quick-witted) but it feels damn dangerous as I had a thing for him in the past that never panned out (for a good reason I'm sure), and going down that road, even for a brief hour, just tears my heart to pieces. BTW, my hubby turns to more porn (and his hand even when in bed next to me), not me when he is feeling stressed so you are talking to a deprived woman. I need more than just a 20-60 second rub to get in the mood, especially in the middle of the night, so I am feeling disconnected from him right now. So what is a lady to do? And am I as alone as I feel? IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted January 28, 2012 07:25 PM
Sigh{{{hugs}}}
No advice to give.
Sorry.
decades of deprived of such,
in real life and online.
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TrueTaurus
Knowflake Posts: 282
From: California
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 28, 2012 08:19 PM
Have you talked with him?
This is serious business. Sex is a huge deal in relationships...I've had an experience like this with an ex, but that was when we were having issues and soon we broke up after that. It's disrespectful for him to do that right next to you too. IP: Logged |
littlecloud
Moderator Posts: 1335
From:
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 28, 2012 09:25 PM
Ok if I looked it up right, ewwwwwwww. My only advice is divorce. I had an ex who was turned on by incest, rape, and child pornography. Had I known from the beginning, he wouldn't be an ex. That being said I don't think you can 'change' him or his 'preferences'. People like that often have some deep seated issues. Get out before it gets worse and you are even more disgusted. IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 469
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted January 28, 2012 09:50 PM
quote:
Originally posted by littlecloud:
Ok if I looked it up right, ewwwwwwww. My only advice is divorce. I had an ex who was turned on by incest, rape, and child pornography. Had I known from the beginning, he wouldn't be an ex. That being said I don't think you can 'change' him or his 'preferences'. People like that often have some deep seated issues. Get out before it gets worse and you are even more disgusted.
littlecloud,
I've known about his "preferences" since 1 year after we started dating, about 3 months after we moved in together (we dated 9 months mostly long-distance after meeting during an internship), and to be honest at first it only seemed like he wanted "play" that way occasionally at first, and over time, he rarely wants "togetherness" during the daytime unless we "play" that way and I talk to him about being like that, describing the scenario in great detail. He has MAJOR abandonment issues, (both parents left him, bio-mom at within 1st year, bio-dad left him with strangers in another country, who incidentally are *wonderful* people and raised him as best they could), and so do I (bio-dad never was in my life, but had/have *amazing* mom) so I have a great deal of empathy, always have, and after finally meeting bio-mom, he has come to terms with his past to some degree. I am NOT turned on by his scenario (understand, I am probably going to delete details above in a few days), but I have figured if it got him in the mood, well, at least he was in the mood. I have no one else I can talk to about my issues with his "turn-ons", as I did once to a friend and she never saw him the same after that and we've since parted ways. I am concerned mainly that he will see children as competition as he would like me to "make him" live that way all the time, and honestly I would be exhausted taking care of him and a child/children. The only compromise we've reached there is that he will take care of the kids and I'll take car of him, but I am still worried. I love him so much, but I never feel like the sexy woman I am when I am around him like that, and perhaps part of that is my vision of what s*ex "should be" as I read tons of romance novels in my teen years and I'm a bit obsessed with being over-powered (playfully, not in a harmful way) and this doesn't quite click. We've been married almost 3 months, and between getting into a major car accident the day after our wedding that put me out of work for a few weeks and totaled my van, it's been more stressful than usual, but I don't feel any spark right now and damn it, I WANT romance :'(I know, long and complicated answer and thanks for listening  IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 453
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted January 28, 2012 10:40 PM
If you're willing to indulge his fantasies then he needs to indulge your needs as well. I know there are plenty of books and probably online sites that teach men how to flirt with women. If all else fails, rent some romances with good lines (actually, even plenty of action movies have some good flirting in them, too, though the James Bond one I saw at the cinema made me groan it was so painful to watch--oh, women in action movies tend to be strong butt kicking amazons as well so it may not be exactly what you want). And in case you haven't heard of them there is a subgenre of romance with "forcible seduction" in it. As can be guessed, it's controversial and isn't as common as it used to be (Rhett carrying Scarlett up the staircase in Gone With the Wind is a classic example of the trope). It's not my thing so I can't recommend any good ones, but this one might peak your interest:
http://romanceaholic.com/tag/forced-seduction/ And if that works for you then getting him to play a role YOU like should be easy, assuming he's not a selfish jerk who thinks his needs are important while yours are not.
I presume he has a job and a life outside the home. And if that's true then he can't pretend all the time, he has to act in other roles as well. And he can learn to act in a role (from time to time) that keeps you happy as well.
If the obvious must be pointed out to him then he should know that someone with his taste dare not be picky if he doesn't want to be alone and should value the rare woman who indulges him enough to work at it. It's not like he has to adopt the role of Casanova or whatever all the time, it's a process of give and take. Anyway, good luck. Obviously he has redeeming traits that you cherish or you wouldn't be trying, so I hope it works out for you. IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 469
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted February 04, 2012 08:38 AM
After being mostly supportive these last few days since my dear Grandma passed away, he's pulled away again and gotten really snappish with me lately. No kisses, barely hugs and I can't stand this distance. I know he is stressed, but now is not the time to shut me out. I know we have financial stresses and he sees me as holding all that in limbo cause I haven't gotten all my paperwork together for filing our first joint tax return. Darn it, it's been a terrible week and I've been consoling my mother most days, and somehow holding it together myself emotionally! I'm sure he feels "neglected" but his Aries moon does not mean he has to be the constant center of my world when that world is falling apart. I refused to make him a PBJ when he was hungry after I made a light dinner, and he kept harping on it, like he thought that would have made a difference. I was TIRED and he's not freakin' helpless and I'm sick and tired of him acting like he's a teenage boy crashing on the couch, albeit one who pays our bills. He does NOTHING around the house, that isn't his laundry, or the cat boxes (when I harp on it for a while), and yes, I am expected to work (to pay my bills), keep a lovely clean house, cook all his meals, and balance my activities like school and the like, all at the same time while being pleasant. I keep telling him I am NOT "Superwoman" like his mother, and he says I'm making assumptions that that is what he wants/expects, but damn it, he makes jabs about how terrible the house looks and how I do nothing all day, so what am I supposed to think? His mother did keep a perfect house, make all his meals, be an ER nurse, and raise 4 kids. I am NOT her. He says he was not as reliant as I assume he was on her, I saw otherwise as he knows how to cook and clean and NEVER does it. I've never walked in the house after a long day at my work and had dinner ready, but I've done that for him after his long day AND having had a long day myself.I just needed to vent, thanks.
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Malena
Knowflake Posts: 237
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted February 05, 2012 12:28 AM
Your frustration is legitimate. The relationship sounds very one-sided in several departments - emotional, sexual, housework. Even financially, it looks like you contribute your share.I think a lot of us hang on in situations like this, hoping our partner will "see the light," but that often doesn't happen instantaneously. Right now your man has no motivation to change. Why would he? The status quo, where you are bending over backwards to accommodate him and he gets to treat you however he wants, is going in his favor. Can you live with the way he treats you for another year? Another five years? Another ten? I'm asking this question neutrally, because maybe there are great things in this relationship that are (understandably) not being described in your posts. quote:
His mother did keep a perfect house, make all his meals, be an ER nurse, and raise 4 kids.
I'm gonna put my snark hat on for a minute, and say she obviously didn't do such a great job at that last part if her son can't even make himself a freaking PB&J without the drama llama paying a visit. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 453
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted February 06, 2012 02:34 AM
Just out of curiosity, what is redeemable about this guy that makes you willing to put up with him? IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 469
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted February 06, 2012 08:26 AM
PixieJane,I do tend to be dramatic in my descriptions, especially when extremely upset, so just wanted to put that into perspective. We are going through some challenging transits (per my thread in "Personal Readings", and I am not willing to walk away without making sure that is truly what I want and need. As far as his redeeming qualities, there are quite a few, or we wouldn't still be together after more than 6 years. He gives the most incredible hugs, and everything and anything in me is calmer as he holds me. I do feel like we have a strong emotional connection, always have. We have fun together, when life is not beating us up with sobering drama. His sense of humor is a great counterbalance to my serious nature most of the time. I'll list more later as I have to run do errands... IP: Logged |
amowls**
Knowflake Posts: 1592
From:
Registered: Dec 2010
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posted February 06, 2012 09:28 AM
He sounds more like a burden than a partner, imo.IP: Logged |
lilithpluto
Knowflake Posts: 960
From: pluto
Registered: Dec 2011
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posted February 08, 2012 07:19 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Malena:Can you live with the way he treats you for another year? Another five years? Another ten? I'm asking this question neutrally, because maybe there are great things in this relationship that are (understandably) not being described in your posts.
Yeah, how long can you do that? From your post, you seemed so aware of the issues between you two but you seemed indecisive. If you are planning to save him / change him, u must also know that nobody like to change unless at their own accord.. . You need to tell him what you are feeling instead of venting your fustrations alone (okie, and with strangers on forum  ).. he's your husband afterall.. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 2892
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted February 10, 2012 08:55 PM
I can't deal with that. And I'm a man. My most sincere empathies. IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 469
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted February 10, 2012 09:41 PM
Hi YoursTruly,Just asking that you edit the gist of what I said about his turn ons from your response... I really don't want this post stumbled on. To my other Knowflakes,
He is a great guy, and I'm frustrated because due to pressures outside the relationship (major work stuff and financial issues), he's not receptive to talking right now. Yes, part of this is just the usual venting, as I've had a helluva three months,and my patience is thinner than usual. I'm gonna give it a few more weeks, let life settle down (as though it ever fully will, LOL), and re-approach him about what I am feeling, perhaps drawing my pastor as well into a mediated conversation.
He is being affectionate again, which makes me glad and it's a much needed balm to "us" right now. He used to be different and he's gotten all too serious sometime over the last few years...I wish I knew how to bring that playful twinkling grin back to his face and I wish I knew why jumping headfirst into the "real world" at 21 and 22 respectively had to suck the enthusiasm for life out of us, slowly but surely. We skipped those carefree 20's that everyone always talks about, and while I have no regrets, for I'm not one to have dated around and "partied like a rockstar" (not my style), I do envy those who are just taking on the chains of regular employment now, just gliding into the workforce with 5+ years of college to kick back and just take in the experiences of life... Thank you all for listening   IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 4511
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted February 11, 2012 04:53 AM
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quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted February 11, 2012 10:23 AM
Virgo-AriesArtist{{{hugs}}} IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 4511
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 23, 2012 01:18 AM
BUMPIP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 453
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 23, 2012 01:31 AM
Why would you bump this?  IP: Logged |
Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake Posts: 469
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009
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posted May 23, 2012 10:49 AM
I have no idea...it's not an issue anymore.IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 453
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted May 23, 2012 04:35 PM
Yeah, this was totally resolved, and it seems unlikely it could benefit someone else (and in that unlikely case it seems better to have just given that one person a link to this thread). I'm convinced now that there's little to no rhyme or reason (as I once believed) to why threads are bumped, it's just a random lotto. IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 4511
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted May 24, 2012 02:02 AM
Well, Pixie, aren't you quick to jump to conclusions?This was NO random bump, nor was I aware that we had to state a reason for it. It did help someone FYI. As for bumping and not sending a link was my choice. VAA, if I had known how you felt about the thread, I would have rather closed it.
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quote:
Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.
Linda GoodmanIP: Logged | |
Topic Closed
Lindaland
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