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Author
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Topic: Is monogamy overrated?
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cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:08 PM
  
I'm not trying to piggy back of the fidelity thread but I would like opinions on the matter:If after seeing someone for awhile, should exclusivity be assumed? I'm not talking a few months but a couple years. I have had the "talk" with him telling him basically that but it seems that exclusivity should never be implied until there is a ring on your finger...dooh. (slaps myself on the forehead). I for one never believe it is OK to sleep with more than one person at a time, even if there is protection used. Huge deal breaker. I don't compete for affections or play second fiddle. Obviously I let him go, because surprise! He is sleeping with other women. Did he tell me? No...of course not. Did I expect him to after I made the disclosure that all he has to do is tell me? Not at all because he knew my butt would be gone but any respect I had for him is out the window now. Can't be friends, don't call and if we run into each other just walk the other way. Sounds harsh but I'm a Capricorn and I have standards of how I want to be treated and I loathe being put into a position unknowingly and unable to take the precautions to live my life how I want to and make my own decisions. So I ask, is monogamy no longer a prerequisite to a loving stable relationship nowadays? Are people that selfish? I'd rather be celibate & single. Maybe it's where I live (Philadelphia) because it seems all my female friends have the same problem. IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:11 PM
It's hard to find a person with strong morals these days. But they are out there, just gotta go through more idiots along the way.IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 4041
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted March 06, 2012 08:14 PM
Exclusivity is always required in any committed relationship even if it's after one day. I always make it clear that we are signing exclusivity agreements, and breach of contract is an event of default, whether or not there are rings. Partners are absolutely not allowed to partner shop once in an exclusivity agreement, and I've entered into exclusivity even after the first date. I agreed to go exclusive with my wife on our first date and we've been married almost 20 years. I am a man and I am a strong and proud Capricorn with discipline. Don't settle for the rift raft. Dump that jerk. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 4041
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted March 06, 2012 08:17 PM
Always have that exclusive talk upfront. Any guy that balks isn't worth your time. Walk away. I did that to lots of girls myself. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 37417
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted March 06, 2012 08:18 PM
I agree with the previous two posters---mintgirl and Ian. Sorry you went through that Cappy Sweetheart!------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 1054
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted March 06, 2012 08:20 PM
Cheating is a huge problem everywhere and both genders are guilty of it. However, for whatever reason men seem more compelled to do it, and both straight women and gay men frequently moan about the men they're with being such horn dogs constantly seeking to spread their seed. (Interesting enough it's not just sex because a politician--and an antigay one at that--donated sperm to a lesbian couple in NZ simply because he felt obsessed with spreading his seed, and no he didn't get to have sex with anyone to donate his sperm. And btw, he didn't tell his wife he was doing that and when he was caught and exposed his wife was NOT ok with it...) Obviously, this is not conducive to loving stable relationships because it involves lying, and you can't have that kind of a relationship without implicit trust (jealousy, insecurity, and all that doesn't help either). Some people prefer various forms of polyamory but they seem to be a minority (though if you count "swingers" then their numbers rise significantly). Of course even then you can cheat by breaking agreed upon boundaries, and those who feel more comfortable with polyamory shouldn't be equated with cheaters (as long as they play within the rules everyone in the relationship understands, of course). These people can and do have loving, stable relationships. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 37417
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted March 06, 2012 08:24 PM
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Exclusivity is always required in any committed relationship even if it's after one day. I always make it clear that we are signing exclusivity agreements, and breach of contract is an event of default, whether or not there are rings. Partners are absolutely not allowed to partner shop once in an exclusivity agreement, and I've entered into exclusivity even after the first date. I agreed to go exclusive with my wife on our first date and we've been married almost 20 years. I am a man and I am a strong and proud Capricorn with discipline. Don't settle for the rift raft. Dump that jerk.
I lourve Cap's!
------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:35 PM
Ok so I'm not the minority here...lol. funny thing is he is a cap too as I am. This wasn't a committed relationship per se but more of a friends with benefits and lets see where this takes us. I'm not against people wanting to do what they want to do but some notice would be nice. And you're right...it can never be conducive for a healthy relationship...all the lies, manipulation, etc. Is way too much for me to deal with. If I would to put up with this now, its only going to get worse later. After 35 years on earth, I am so tired of the men in this city that I thinking of relocating. Its one after another with their low morals & selfish ways. I know not all men are like this and you do have to swim through a bunch of idiots before you find that one but COME ON!! like I said its not just me who has been going through this. I had 3...yes three best girlfriends have there "man" impregnate other women behind their backs & lie. All I can do is SMH.... IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:38 PM
Not to mention STD's I have seen other women get. Don't they care about AIDS or the fact that diseases have serious implications?IP: Logged |
Malena
Knowflake Posts: 237
From:
Registered: Apr 2011
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posted March 06, 2012 08:42 PM
I'm a believer in informed consent... if you are sleeping with other people, at the very least I need to be informed of that because how do I know you're going to have safe sex with them?Monogamy is one issue, honesty is another. IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:48 PM
Ok malena....you hit it on the nose. That's exactly what I mean. Informed consent...having the ability to take the facts and information to make your own sound judgement regarding anything that has to do with your body. Protection is of the most importance! Self preservation is just as much. All I can say is that after two years of sleeping together and agreeing to mutual exclusivity, we didn't use protection. I am clean and don't have anything as I have been checked 4 times in the last two years. Yuck! IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:48 PM
Oh...If it was a friends with benefits thing, well that's a diff story altogether imo. IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 08:55 PM
@mintgirl you don't think informed consent or some kind of heads up would've been appropriate though? I'm not mad for him sleeping with other women just that he never had enough respect for me to be forthcoming...I mean we are supposed to be friends. Friends don't lie or deceive each other. IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:04 PM
Well if it's friend with benefits there's usually not an obligation of informing the other person of all your activities. I mean you're not in a relationship... And usually people sort of assume that they're also dating and maybe sleeping with other people. And a part of him probably wanted to hide it, but another part probably thought it wasn't really his responsibility or a necessity to tell you. Since you're not in an exclusive relationship? I dunno.I haven't really done the fwb thing, but it's just kinda unspoken rules.
But of course you have to make sure you're clean and they're clean too. IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:07 PM
I agree with that to a certain level until you have that talk...that talk of expectations & "rules". After all is agreed upon like there is to be no one else, etc then informed consent is definitely needed.IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:08 PM
What kind of things did you guys get down? And what boundaries did you guys establish?IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:10 PM
If you guys actually made it a thing where you must inform the other person if you're having other people on the side, then yeah, he was in the wrong. But otherwise, he didn't do anything too outrageous cos that's how fwb work =/. IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:11 PM
It all boils down to respect...and he went through some deceptive tactics to hide it. That I didn't appreciate it. #1 we stopped using protection
#2 it has been two years So at what point would it be OK to sleep with other people without telling the other person? IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:13 PM
Regardless of length, it's still not a relationship though? So in a way if it's more closer to the realms of casual dating, him doing what he did wasn't terribly wrong.
But yeah, it definitely would be a jerk move if you guys established the rule that you need to inform each other of your sexual activiites with other people, and he only ended up telling you now.IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:14 PM
The boundary we established was that we were to be monogamous to each other lol. The rules were to tell each other if we were sleeping with other people. IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:15 PM
oh yeah then he's wrong. Still just to be cautious, never have sex without protection if you're not in anything committed and solid. Bc STDs are soo prevalent, and you don't really want to risk it.IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:18 PM
Oh he didn't tell me...I found out on my own. He started switching up his ways and being sneaky when he didn't need to. As long as we are relating to each other its a relationship. If we are sleeping together unprotected, its a basic right for anyone to know who the other is sleeping with. Its a safety issue more than an emotional one. I'm not mad that he is with anyone else but the lengths he went to hide it and decieve me. That was outrageous. Even when I asked him, he still denied it even though I already knew.IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Moderator Posts: 1238
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:21 PM
It didn't start out unprotected but after being tested and agreeing to our arrangement, it came off. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 37417
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted March 06, 2012 09:27 PM
quote:
Originally posted by cappy1277:
Oh he didn't tell me...I found out on my own. He started switching up his ways and being sneaky when he didn't need to. As long as we are relating to each other its a relationship. If we are sleeping together unprotected, its a basic right for anyone to know who the other is sleeping with. Its a safety issue more than an emotional one. I'm not mad that he is with anyone else but the lengths he went to hide it and decieve me. That was outrageous. Even when I asked him, he still denied it even though I already knew.
IP: Logged |
mintgirl123
Knowflake Posts: 2393
From:
Registered: Nov 2009
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posted March 06, 2012 09:28 PM
Sneaky ******* . At least it's a hard lesson learnt and now you know not to associate with trash like him.
Probably best to find a good honest guy and have a committed relationship with them so there's no more weird confusion and them trying to find 'loop holes' to do things like this to you. IP: Logged |
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