posted March 08, 2012 05:49 PM            

If you have struggled with it, do you have Neptune afflicting important points in your chart - like the Ascendant, for one - or making other challenging aspects?

Please share how you were able to successfully break out of codependent patterns.

posted March 08, 2012 05:57 PM            

I have a codependent relationship with my mother. I'm not sure entirely when it started (perhaps through my childhood), or when it first started becoming a big problem (perhaps as I entered adolescence and was on the threshold of adulthood), but it is very troubling to me.

Before I describe the issue, here are the astrological signs: I have Neptune conjunct my Ascendant (albeit widely - it is a 7 degree orb), for one. My Venus (in Pisces/4th house) squares my Neptune, adding another layer. To add to the complexity of this, my Venus is very active in my natal chart, making around 5 other aspects.

I have struggled with having a variable/vague sense of self since an early age. My mother, for reasons not known to me, decided she was a better decision-maker for matters affecting me than I was. As an example, even when I was a child, she took it upon herself to advise me on what I should like - I remember being asked what flavor of ice cream I wanted, and when I made a choice, she 'corrected' me, because she 'knew' that this other flavor was so much better/more sophisticated. I should add that she does this not only to me, but to other people too - when my uncle (her younger brother) was visiting last summer & we went out for dessert, she tried to force him away from what he wanted - it was ridiculous to watch. How could she know what he most enjoyed, and what did she get out of forcing him to have what she endorsed? This is her personality, I guess.

It spilled over into other realms too, like my choice of friends or social activities. She's very vocal & always expresses her opinion strongly, even if as I've gotten older, she won't technically force anything on me. But there is always a sense of disapproval that I've felt hanging there, if I were to choose another path. She is quick to offer unsolicited advice, and we've fallen into a pattern where I feel like I need to know how she will feel about something before I make a decision. I find this feeling utterly crippling some days.

posted March 08, 2012 06:07 PM            

There is a strong pattern there, and I never saw it, all that time. I don't think I ever fully realized how unhealthy this connection was, until it started impacting my choice of partner, and messed up my life for a few years because I ended up marrying the wrong one for me.

posted March 08, 2012 06:58 PM            

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posted March 08, 2012 09:45 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I will read every word when I get back. I just want to say--Co-dependency--Heck Yea

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posted March 08, 2012 10:07 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by sunshine9:
Yea.. there's no mistaking it, not even for me. Have you had such a relationship, Ami?

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I lost my sense of self at 14. I remember the moment when I threw it off. I became co-dependent until now when I HOPE I am shedding it---

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posted March 08, 2012 10:39 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ariesdragon:
Thanks for sharing I know it's hard... I have to force myself to share sometimes too... just to let it all go
Remember to be strong and your opinions matter xx

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posted March 09, 2012 12:20 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I lost my sense of self at 14. I remember the moment when I threw it off. I became co-dependent until now when I HOPE I am shedding it---

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I did not know..

It is a tough journey for those who have this challenge - I have tried in the past to resolve, but it seems you have to continually be vigilant not to fall into old patterns.

I wanted to bring this up not only because this issue plagues me time & again, but also because I think it would be useful to me & others to talk about this, and see if we can't figure out a way to break free. Perhaps we can help each other..

posted March 09, 2012 12:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ariesdragon:
Thanks for sharing I know it's hard... I have to force myself to share sometimes too... just to let it all go
Remember to be strong and your opinions matter xx

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Thank you for your kind words, ariesdragon.. I only recently realized that I still have this issue, and that it might help me to talk about it. It has felt therapeutic to share, even though I'm really embarrassed - almost ashamed - for having this problem. Yes, I must remember that my opinions also matter.. that is easy to forget sometimes.

posted March 09, 2012 12:48 AM            

Some years ago, early in grad school, I met this wonderful boy. From the moment I met him, I felt comfortable expressing myself around him, and from the very beginning, he seemed to "get" me, and accepted me for me, for who I was. He approached me with a pure heart and open mind, and his kind, old-world gentlemanly ways appealed to me. It felt freeing and wonderful to be around him, and I began to fall in love with him, as he did with me.

I lived at home, and one day, I told my mother about this boy, and that I thought I might want to explore the relationship. At first, she was open & said perhaps, if that is what I wanted to do. Then she thought of some objection, some reasons she didn't think we would work in the long run, and rescinded her words. I protested initially but then I gave in, because her words packed power & conviction. I was sad, but withdrew from the boy at school. He wasn't willing to let it go - he said he had fallen for me and that love could overcome such differences, that he was willing to do what it took to make it work. In the face of such stubborn sweetness, I thought I would cave, but my mother not only remained firm, she also started to get vehement about not wanting me to pursue that relationship for various other reasons.

Fast-forwarding a bit, I ended up moving away for a year to continue grad school up North, and was apart from the boy. We kept up because we had a strong connection & he planned to move up there the year after. I felt tossed about like a leaf in a storm because my mother not only objected to the potential relationship, but also spoke harsh words that wounded me and made me shrink away. I was deeply emotionally involved by then with the boy though, who persisted despite my objections, and we kept in touch as friends.

This was when she introduced me to this guy she considered more worthy - I could not find a good reason to turn him down, and I was in the grips of indecision and fear, and the knowledge that I was not strong enough to fight for the boy I loved. So I found myself agreeing to marry the boy she introduced me to, and then started worse misery. This was the first time I realized I was in an enmeshed relationship with my mother - the boy I loved pointed it out, and begged with me to reconsider.

At one point, I tried to extricate myself, but it was too late. I found myself married to this other man who was emotionally cold, arrogant & domineering, who cared nothing for me but just wanted a cook/maid he could control. There was no love, and the marriage never got off the ground. I spent 2 miserable years in the web of lies he wove, locked in a lonely prison where my only contact with my old life was my mother who talked to me several times a day on the phone.

posted March 09, 2012 01:04 AM            

I managed to survive the 2 years, and got out of the state back to where I first went to grad school, returning with a job offer. The sham of a marriage deteriorated even further and we got divorced. The fact that I was divorcing at 30 and living alone in a state far away from my parents gave my mother more reason to talk to me constantly. I found myself calling her at lunchtime, then 2-3 times in the evening to catch up - she would discuss plans for how to move forward as she wanted to see me turn around & marry someone quickly to make up for the mess of a marriage.

I'd gotten passive-aggressive to deal with her controlling ways - I found it counter-productive to argue with her when I tried to put my foot down, so at times I went along with her suggested course of action, proving by failure that it wasn't going to work for me. She attempted to set me up again, but it never worked, mostly because I was not about to let it work.

My heart, as yet untouched by anyone else, still belonged to the Pisces boy I'd met in grad school - 'the first cut is the deepest'. He entered my life again as he was back there for a 2nd graduate degree. I met him when I went back for my 2nd one, and we ended up working with the same professor once again. We found ourselves getting close again, and a 2nd attempt at relationship happened. It was a bit tenuous because he was still licking his wounds from before and had not healed fully. At one point, I told my mother about wanting to see him, but she came down hard on me - her harsh words & our intense arguments affected me, as also the long, negative phone calls each day. The boy was sad to hear of the discord, and detached slowly.. he didn't want me to have to choose between my family & him, so there was a break.

posted March 09, 2012 01:15 AM            

Anyway, in short, my mother continued to exert her control on me - I resented her for it. There were times I rebelled against her control and flat-out told her I did not want to become so dependent on her, so I'd like to cut down on the calls. She did the emotional black-mail she is so good at, or some event would happen to draw the pattern back up again.

Anyhow, to cut this long story short, as luck would have it, 2 years ago, the Universe was kind enough to put me and the Pisces boy back in circumstances such that we reunited in a heartbeat one day. He was moving a few hours away, but we kept up with each other, visiting and talking on the phone. The frequency increased, and one fine day, spurred by the aid of a friend's words, I told my mother. There was protest and dismay, but this time, somehow, perhaps she had been broken down by the years of unsuccessful relationships & the realization I may not marry ever again unless I found someone I could truly love, and she gave in. The Pisces and I fell in love with each other again, and after taking many baby steps to grow, we're finally planning our wedding this spring / summer, around 11 years after we first met.

I know I am really lucky that my life has been thriving despite the disaster that looms time & again. So here I am, planning a wedding to the love of my life. I should be deliriously happy, right? On the contrary, I find myself mostly anxious...

posted March 09, 2012 04:57 AM            

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posted March 09, 2012 05:25 AM            

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posted March 09, 2012 09:23 AM            

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posted March 11, 2012 09:58 AM            

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posted March 13, 2012 12:30 AM            

Do you feel like talking about it? I'm glad to listen if you want to talk.

It is tough when you're in the grips of it, isn't it? It's one thing to experience it when you're not aware of it, and quite another when you are aware and resentful.

posted March 13, 2012 12:32 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
You got me thinking about co-dependency. I have had it badly!!

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posted March 13, 2012 12:37 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
You know what would be interesting Sunshine. Put up your synastry with your mother in PR if you want. Add all the asteroids. I bet you will see a map of your relationship with her. I did and it really helped to see that somehow it was ordered--not that I can explain but it was ALL out there in black and white.IQ was the major force that started my healing as he could see it all. If he could see it all, I did not have to blame myself. The charts are so so valuable to life. Now, I don't see how people do without them.

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