posted April 29, 2012 09:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by juniperb:
Perhaps it is an old issue he`s experienced.

After the intimacy, women AND men have been known to feel ownership and exclusiveness in the relationship. Trust me an an Aqua, , that curtails the relationship. If he`s been there done that and desires a meaningful relationship with you, he would naturally wish to wait.

Some guys indeed do think with something other than the smaller head of the pair.

---

I agree with Juni--100%. Guys think with more than their small head--so to speak

If a guy really cares for you, he can think beyond sex. Be happy about this, Gurl!

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 29, 2012 09:42 AM            

Tell me, when you see a fine sexy lady, which head speaks first?

posted April 29, 2012 09:50 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 29, 2012 10:26 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by juniperb:
aquaguy, no stereotyping here I said a man [b]DON`T always ie Some guys indeed do think with something other than the smaller head of the pair. It was a nix on the sterotype , yes?
Tell me, when you see a fine sexy lady, which head speaks first?
[/B]

---

posted April 29, 2012 11:59 AM            

We get together, there has been times, when he has said, I'm touching u today no matter what..
The desire is there.. The passion is there..
He told me he started bitting his nails over this..

I told him I feel rejected.. He said no babe please don't I want u, and I'm really into u too, but the timing needs to be right..
As for his feelings....i have no flippin clue.. The only thing he has said is u make me feel emotions, when you rattle my cage.. He said I'm all ****** up in the head over wanting u..
I know he wanted some reassurance so I gave it to him, but it seems to back fire on me..
I told him you know your the only man I have eyes for.. Your the only man I desire and I'm not going anywhere....
That actully backfired... Days later he told me that bothered him... I said why....
He said when u said that u specified " man".. So is there a woman. Are u messing with so so girl.. I always see u with her..
Lol.. I had to actually explain that I'm straight and not into women..
He said ok then I'll take your word for it and drop it..

posted April 29, 2012 04:29 PM            

I think it's a toss up between commitment phobia (too much push-pull and anxiety going on in him) and him not knowing/understanding/being connected with his feelings enough to recognize whether or not he feels deeply connected to you (enough)-regardless of what he says.

Since the above 2 usually go hand-in-hand, he prolly has both.

Also, he prolly thinks/cannot get past (no matter how much you reassure him) the fact that most women would want a commitment from a guy once he's had sex w/ them. So it sounds like issues of trust too. Remember, his player past also most likely involved the same issues.

You're likely the 1st woman in his life to arouse deeper emotions in him, but since his old issues have not been resolved, he's hesitating big time, resulting in HUGE anxiety in him.

So he's sitting on the fence, unable to make a decision. At the same time, he doesn't want to lose you so he keeps going back and forth.

Astrologically, Pisces is notorious for not being able to make up their minds. Which would need LOADS of patience from their partners. Hopefully you have enough earth influence in your chart .

posted April 29, 2012 10:32 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Linda Jones:
K, after reading this thread, here's my 2 cents.

I think it's a toss up between commitment phobia (too much push-pull and anxiety going on in him) and him not knowing/understanding/being connected with his feelings enough to recognize whether or not he feels deeply connected to you (enough)-regardless of what he says.

Since the above 2 usually go hand-in-hand, he prolly has both.

Also, he prolly thinks/cannot get past (no matter how much you reassure him) the fact that most women would want a commitment from a guy once he's had sex w/ them. So it sounds like issues of trust too. Remember, his player past also most likely involved the same issues.

You're likely the 1st woman in his life to arouse deeper emotions in him, but since his old issues have not been resolved, he's hesitating big time, resulting in HUGE anxiety in him.

So he's sitting on the fence, unable to make a decision. At the same time, he doesn't want to lose you so he keeps going back and forth.

Astrologically, Pisces is notorious for not being able to make up their minds. Which would need LOADS of patience from their partners. Hopefully you have enough earth influence in your chart .

In the end, I would focus on the emotional aspect of the relationship (for now) as it looks like he's dealing with emotional blocks. Also keep in mind that he may require some kind of "outside" (including yours) help to deal w/ his emotional block or to get more in touch with his own feelings and also to have enough confidence in them for him to be able to proceed in the relationship.

---

posted April 29, 2012 11:54 PM            

"I guess its his turn to figure it all out."

He may find it difficult to do so. Often issues run deep even as far back as childhood.
If his emotional block is too deep, you may want to suggest some sort of therapy. Men, in general attach a greater negative stigma to therapy than do women. But if he's up for it, (you would have to be very tactful in your suggestion) it may go a long way in helping him sort things out.

At the same time, depending on your own level of self awareness, you may gently want to begin discussing emotional matters with him in a very non threatening manner. Remember he's trying to be the man in this relationship which to him means not showing any weakness. So if he feels threatened he'll shut down and his ego will take over, which will defeat the purpose.

All this may not be easy and may even test your feelings for him and desire to stay in this relationship with him. But I've read your posts on and off and you sound like a strong woman ... sometimes a bit emotional-and I say this with affection ... but still strong. So you should be able to make wise choices both for yourself as well as choices that affect him.

Remember, ego will have no place in this at all-if you really want to give it a shot. He may be inclined to use his ego more than you as a cover for his perception of his own "weakness." You'll just have to be able to see through it and not react similarly.

posted April 30, 2012 12:04 AM            

"I agree, but my opinion is that if he is a commitment phobe it would be best to leave,atleast that's what I would do."

You are sweet and really a guy-that's such a guy response . It's seems the practical thing to do. But it's also the hardest to do for a woman especially when emotions are involved.

Women are different you know. Lioness won't be able to walk away easily, I don't think. So the next best thing is for her to try her best for some time before she makes a final decision. At least then she'll be able to look back and say, "yeah, I tried."

posted April 30, 2012 12:56 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Linda Jones:
@Lioness, you're welcome

"I guess its his turn to figure it all out."

He may find it difficult to do so. Often issues run deep even as far back as childhood.
If his emotional block is too deep, you may want to suggest some sort of therapy. Men, in general attach a greater negative stigma to therapy than do women. But if he's up for it, (you would have to be very tactful in your suggestion) it may go a long way in helping him sort things out.

At the same time, depending on your own level of self awareness, you may gently want to begin discussing emotional matters with him in a very non threatening manner. Remember he's trying to be the man in this relationship which to him means not showing any weakness. So if he feels threatened he'll shut down and his ego will take over, which will defeat the purpose.

All this may not be easy and may even test your feelings for him and desire to stay in this relationship with him. But I've read your posts on and off and you sound like a strong woman ... sometimes a bit emotional-and I say this with affection ... but still strong. So you should be able to make wise choices both for yourself as well as choices that affect him.

Remember, ego will have no place in this at all-if you really want to give it a shot. He may be inclined to use his ego more than you as a cover for his perception of his own "weakness." You'll just have to be able to see through it and not react similarly.

Hope this helps. I wish you lotsa love, luck, and joy.

---

Yes I do know he's insecure.. But I do know I have a calming effect on him, and I know when to take a step back.. The best way "to" him is to just say something that will get him to think, then drop it and let him sit on it for a while.. He's a very reasonable and rational person, for the most part.. But yes if you say the wrong thing to him, he flips out with anger.. He has gone to anger management and is working on controlling, most important he knows he has a temper.. but me suggesting it wouldnt go well.. Getting him to think is what seems to have an effect on him.

He does open up to me, and says he's very comfortable talking to me...
When I annoy him, or upset him, he simple tells me I dont like it when you do that, it bothers me.. He tells me when I hurt his feelings also.. So I know thats a good thing
We talk about it and clear the air so to speak. He tells me sometimes how he feels which comes off sort of mean,like the other day, he said how could you do that to me!! He said btw Im not mad at you Im communicating with you. Then I explained what he was misunderstanding..

Telling him is a bit more trickier.. But I do tell him,when something is bothering me. But I wait until Im rational..

I guess he does test my feelings, and needs some reassurance every so often. I feel complied to give him that.

As for the ego... Yeah I got a whole lot of ego... LOL
I will "try" to be more mind full of it.. But when my ego's bruised its hard to recover from.. Its my first reaction, when bruised.

Also I admit Im a wee bit emotional
(moon conjunct sun)

Yes your correct, I cant walk away especially not easily..
We truly "like" each others company.. We can talk and talk and talk... He's very important to me..
No matter what I dont want to loose his friendship... Regardless what happens he is a great friend to me... He has my back and if I ever need him he would be there in a drop of a hat.. No doubts whats so ever about that.

Linda.. We have a VERY intense composite..
I had issues dealing with it my self.. It take my over a year to even accept it.. I was in an emotional spiral, so much that it effected my hormones, body..
I dont know if he will be able to accept it..

The composite is
moon/pluto/jupiter conjunct in H5 Libra
which all 3 opps Aries Venus in H11

Venus trine neptune and saturn
mars opps sun/mercury
mars trine saturn
sun/merc sextile saturn

Which I thinks help with the sun opps mars.. I think it stables that aspect.. We rarely fight.

NN conjunct Mars
SN conjunct Sun/Mercury

posted April 30, 2012 10:17 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Linda Jones:
@Aquaguy,

"I agree, but my opinion is that if he is a commitment phobe it would be best to leave,atleast that's what I would do."

You are sweet and really a guy-that's such a guy response . It's seems the practical thing to do. But it's also the hardest to do for a woman especially when emotions are involved.

Women are different you know. Lioness won't be able to walk away easily, I don't think. So the next best thing is for her to try her best for some time before she makes a final decision. At least then she'll be able to look back and say, "yeah, I tried."

See what I mean?

---

Leave??? NO way imho

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 30, 2012 03:26 PM            

You're welcome again.

I wanted to add one more thing which occurred to me after I'd logged off yesterday.

RE: your original ques. about what's going on with him with the whole intimacy thing-
Of course it's difficult to get inside someone's head, but here's a possibility.

This likely has to do with guilt related to his past relationships in which there was little or no emotional involvement. As you can imagine he probably feels guilty about treating the other women in an emotionally cavalier manner. Since you are different and special to him he doesn't want to treat you the same way-BUT his seeming inability to connect with his own deeper emotions enough to have sufficient confidence in himself is making him doubt himself much more than he needs to. He's afraid that he might slip into the same ways as before and end up treating you in ways that you don't deserve, i.e., emotionally cavalier. This is what he probably means when he says he doesn't want to spoil things between you by physical intimacy.

If you are able to speak freely with each other on most subjects, try asking him (again gently) how he feels about his past. Then lead into asking him if his main concern is that he may end up treating you the same way.

All in all, I would try not to be offended by what he shares with you-remember these are issues he's been carrying with him for a long time and have been causing him pain at some level.

Now, because of you, he's at a cross road-either to face those issues and deal with them effectively so as to forge a deeper connection with you, or to run away from them yet again and risk losing you.

Because of all this, I feel your focus should be more on somehow dealing with emotional issues and see if he can get past them, rather than the physical, as there's a high chance that he (not you) may regret physical intimacy at this point due to his own guilt.

Your chart details that you have shared do show an intense connection. But whether the intensity and strength of your synastry pans out into becoming a life long giving and receiving of fulfilling love is something no one can say. Many people come into our lives as soul mates to teach us different things we need to learn on our journey ... just as we do for others. Perhaps you have to teach him to open his heart to love (toward himself and others) for the first time and in doing so, you will learn the depth and compassion of which your own heart is capable. And then, thus "prepared" each of you moves on with greater love toward other people ... I don't know the answers. And no one can make these difficult decisions for you.

What I can tell you is that EVERYONE deserves to love and be loved. And if he cannot offer you that kind of love (he must begin by first loving himself enough to deal with the issues that are in the way), well, then you would not be "wrong" for finding that love you so richly deserve with someone else.

But like I said in my previous post, you will not be able to walk away easily-at least not until YOU know that you've left no stone unturned in trying to make it work. This is where you will continue to be tested. While he will be continuously tested in his courage. It takes a very, very strong love to weather these types of situations. I think you have the necessary strength (shown by your own confidence in your feelings for him). The question is-does he? He does not appear to be confident of his deeper feelings at all 'cause so far he's been able to do without having to deal with them.

My hope for you is that whatever you decide (whenever you do decide), your decision will bring peace to you deep inside your own self.

From a practical as well as spiritual pov, remember peace does not equal suffering. Neither does love equal suffering.

Look at me for example-out of a sense of love for you I initially decided I'd make a quick point and write one paragraph at the most. Instead, I'm making you suffer by reading, rather plodding through so many words. What is my point? That love does not equal suffering, but sometimes it still makes you suffer!

posted April 30, 2012 08:20 PM            

Im going to share a few things to you, if you dont mind.. (no one else read.. LOL)

Here's the thing, me and him are the same, yet in different ways.. I dont think I am the one that can show him love or how to...
I have my own relationship issues, I have abandonment issues.
I have been in plenty of relationships, but all for the wrong reasons, never once did I enter a relationship because I was in love..
The person that I would get into a relationship was the one that I knew couldnt hurt me when they left or it ended.
So I have jumped from relationship to relationship (while he jumped from girl to girl..having short flings) We are "both" runners.. For me if I really liked a guy,but another guy liked me, I would choose the guy that liked me... We work together so neither of us can run... Let me tell you, I tried so many times.. I ended our friendship 5x I think... I just felt I couldnt breathe and needed to take a step back.

When we first got together it was a "fling" for both of us.. A verbal agreement to have a fling, and then walk away. Never looking back... We both were like COOL!! High FIVE!!!
That works for me!!! Awesome!!

(note to self, check for moon/pluto Venus/pluto "BEFORE" having a fling) DOHhhh!!

So we got together a few times, went out but it didnt feel right.. It was off..But we got along well, something was just off and missing.. We didnt have "good" hummm..

So then we said ok we will stop... See YA!
Then BAM! I got with sadness.. He called me saying he lets me friends, cause we are so cool together... We both agreed..
We had the friendship and I always felt some how I lost out. Like he was some sort of missing piece for me. Which really didnt make sense considering.
So then we became "just" friends.. Then we got into an argument and stopped talking for 3 months.
Then we became friends again, but becoming even closer and closer and closer then we both admitted we have an attraction and want to take it further. Then we got really really close.. So close that it consumed me, I couldnt do anything.. I felt I was loosing myself...
We talked and we both agreed to take a step back, but continue to talk.. We did.. but then he said he wanted to push things along again.. I said ok.. So we are trying very slowly..
There is no "fling" agreement.. Now its a fear of loosing each other.. What if I screw it up? What if he destroys me?

How can I guide him, when IDK what the heck Im doing myself...
I dont know if I am capable to really love someone.. I care but IDK if Im made to love any one...
So what if one day he says lets move in.. What will I do??? Would I run to the guy that likes me??
So I have been "ok" with this, even though its frustrating..
I asked him, do you want me to take a few steps back, I was secretly hoping he would say yes.. even though I knew it would hurt..
But he said NO!!! no backing off... I want you, and Im really into u..
It torments me every single day.. What do I do... I want to run so bad.. But I cant.. Believe me when I did run.. I suffered for it.. That crap really freaking hurt... I had to go back just to feel better..

How can I be the rock here?? He's way stronger than me.. I feel like Im loosing my mind. I dont know what to do here..

posted April 30, 2012 08:45 PM            

He may have performance anxiety being the first time around with you, perhaps in a long time? Has he been active? If he hasn't, sorry to point it out but men of age may need some warm up time. The Johnson doesn't just stay at attention for two hours at a time anymore without being fully comfortable and without extra conditioning. He's no longer 18.

It's not easy performing like Michael Phelps if all you've been doing is laps and no intensive intervals. It's you, the woman, who will get him there again. For example, I may be able to go on forever with my wife, but put me with the most stunning supermodel and I would probably lose the attention after a while, whether I finish or not. Or worse still, the anxiety sets in and it doesn't work.

posted May 01, 2012 12:17 AM            

Thanks for being so open in sharing. I'm not surprised lol at your issues being very similar to his. We usually attract similar energies, right?

So you also have a bit of a commitment phobia. And you've identified the cause of yours to be mostly about issues of abandonment. At the bottom of his *pile* you may find that he also has fear of abandonment. But with him I think he's handled it differently than you in disconnecting more from his emotions (in his past) than you have. This is why I see you as a step (or several steps) ahead of him and therefore stronger in that respect.

You are also stronger than him in having the ability to open up more easily than he can. You are more decisive than him, he has greater confusion surrounding his own emotions. Plus you have the gender advantage of being more relationship oriented. You're ready to do what it takes, while he's vacillating (despite what he says from time to time). This is why I feel you're stronger than him at this time.

Identifying the root of the issue is already half of therapy work done. Now the two of you can work on the rest-through reading books, articles, continuously talking with each other openly, supporting ea. other, and consciously working on your thoughts when the fear intrudes. Alternatively, one or both of you can seek therapy (separately) to work these out.

But my opinion is that if you have reasonable intelligence mixed with a strong desire to really become emotionally healthy, then you should have no problem doing the necessary work. And work it will be (whether in therapy or by yourself). The key is to be committed to it and to be patient with yourselves and each other.

Also read up on co-dependency and understand it thoroughly. I feel you both may be facing some co-dependency issues with each other as well. To put it crudely, co-dependency can be recognized by an almost compulsive need to have someone fill a void/something missing within us. This need is almost always about a void in the love energy within us.

And ultimately ALL such issues affect SELF ESTEEM. It is the individual self esteem that needs to be brought on par with healthy levels so you can both enjoy happy, healthy, emotional lives-where there are no major interruptions in emotional intimacy between you. At the moment emotional intimacy is very limited between you.

Time for him to do his part too. Only open and frank (but gentle) discussions can bring all this to light. So both of you can grow.

One thing's for sure-you will both certainly grow from this experience.

posted May 02, 2012 01:15 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Linda Jones:
@Aquaguy,

"I agree, but my opinion is that if he is a commitment phobe it would be best to leave,atleast that's what I would do."

You are sweet and really a guy-that's such a guy response . It's seems the practical thing to do. But it's also the hardest to do for a woman especially when emotions are involved.

Women are different you know. Lioness won't be able to walk away easily, I don't think. So the next best thing is for her to try her best for some time before she makes a final decision. At least then she'll be able to look back and say, "yeah, I tried."

See what I mean?

---

posted May 02, 2012 08:30 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by aquaguy91:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Linda Jones:
[b]@Aquaguy,

"I agree, but my opinion is that if he is a commitment phobe it would be best to leave,atleast that's what I would do."

You are sweet and really a guy-that's such a guy response . It's seems the practical thing to do. But it's also the hardest to do for a woman especially when emotions are involved.

Women are different you know. Lioness won't be able to walk away easily, I don't think. So the next best thing is for her to try her best for some time before she makes a final decision. At least then she'll be able to look back and say, "yeah, I tried."

See what I mean?

---

[/B][/QUOTE]

I dont think Linda meant for me to change him or save him.
I dont want that... I adore his personality.. He's an awesome person... I like everything about him..
Linda was more suggesting ways to work through this with each other, since we have some issues.
Working through problems and changing someone is totally different...
Now we will all change parts of ourselves as we get older.. Sometimes people will come into our lifes and some how " guide" to change us.. But thats more about the experience..
Im not the same person I was when we first started talking.. I have changed because of the experience, and he has also... Which we have grown closer,since we confided and gave trust to each other...

I will tell you something, you may not know about me.. I will be 40 in Aug... Im not a kid.. Im not looking to change any one to fit me.. I know thats not what relationships are all about...
I accept him for who he is, and he accepts me..
Now... I have been through sooooo much trauma that I have completely shut my self off to any one, that tries to get close to me.. I dont trust anyone...
I dont make new friends, because it takes me years to be able to even open up to them.. YEs to even females..
I trust no-one.. Someone has to earn my trust, which takes a very long time...
I have had the same friends for over 20 years and they dont know hardly anything about me.. They dont know what I have been through, or how I feel, or who I "really" am..
I just cant trust them...
Now with him.. Its totally different... I watched him for 8 years.. Knowing "something" about him...
Once we connected, I had immediate trust.. I felt very attached..As if he was a part of me (ok sounds lame) I felt the connection right away..
Im not afraid to open up to him,and talk to him.. Actually I feel like Im suppose to. He knows the real me, he knows what I have been through (most of it) and he's still there.. That makes me feel so good..
It feels good to trust,and to open up.. To not be judged..
He makes me feel good...
So as Linda was saying.. We women are more intune with what we are feeling.. Which is why its harder to walk away from...
Women are more emotional, go go by their emotions in general...
How could I walk away from the first person that every made me feel good???

(but yes Im still tormented about it, also... lol) Its only because Im trying very very hard to understand all the feelings that have one missed out on, and 2 get use to..
Let me tell you these girly feelings arent easy!
I'm working on figuring out what I even feel, because honestly.. I havent felt in so long, IDK what I actually feel at times.. Figuring this out, has been especially hard.. I ignored,denied, avoided, pushed it away.. You name it, I did it..
But it just made it all worse,for me..All of a sudden I had even more emotions to deal with...
It has really been a slap in the face for me. AN eye opener...
IDK...
I could walk away from anyone and never ever look back...
But not him.. I tired.. When I did I really suffered for it..