posted May 29, 2012 08:23 AM            

Or would you prefer honesty rather than discovering afterwards that your friends/family knew all along. Would you get angry about the fact that they didn't tell you anything?

I know nobody should engage in needless gossip and making things complicated for no reason, but what if there's a legit reason? Would you then like to know?

And if you'd be that friend or family member, would you go tell or would you just look the other way to stay out of trouble?

posted May 29, 2012 08:54 AM            

Frankly, I feel that you should tell him--IF you can prove it and if you have solid evidence/if you can at least convince the person. He doesn't deserve the horrible treatment that she's giving him. Plus, how happy is he going to be when he finds out what she's doing? If you don't tell, chances are that she'll slip up/get caught or else someone else will tell him. You risk ruining your friendship if you don't say anything. And if she gets mad at you, do you really want to be friends with someone untrustworthy?

You are not obligated to be a yes person to these cheaters. You are not obligated to support the awful things that they are doing. You're actually being a better friend by helping them to straighten up/to learn that their actions hurt others than to just go along with it and have them not learn anything.

If someone was cheating on me or betraying me, I'd absolutely want to know--IF they really were, and if this could be proven. I'd be furious if no one told me and would feel betrayed by that.

posted May 29, 2012 04:06 PM            

I agree with you, however I came to the conclusion that I should just keep myself out of this. I really don't like this situation, but nobody is willing to tell him, not even back me up.
And even if I would tell, she won't admit and I have no real proof. So I'm just going to leave it and take my distance.

She said she's gonna experiment for a few more years and then quit it and be faithful to him ...
He is not suspicious *at all*, keeps telling us he's in love as ever and that she's the best thing in his life.
I also agreed that he is not the type to appreciate this kind of honesty or be strong enough to handle it, it'll just break him.
Now I'm worried about STDs, didn't even think of that ...

It's a pity she doesn't want to be honest and suggest an open relationship with him, but then again, he's a Cancer and a one person only type of guy.

posted May 29, 2012 06:00 PM            

About the second part: Apologies, it was actually edited afterwards because it was a bit too long ...
They have been together for 7 years. Past few months he's been lying through his teeth. He's been cheating and yet demanded his gf's (my friend's) trust. I ignored my gut feel and trusted he'd be honest & responsible. Days before her exams he broke up with her.
I feel guilty because I should've trusted my gut feel and be upfront and tell her my suspicion ...

posted May 30, 2012 05:10 AM            

I also strongly disagree that they are "happy". Clearly, the cheater doesn't feel that way, which is no justification for her cheating. It isn't a happy or healthy relationship if one person is being unfaithful. Maybe everyone else thinks that they're happy, maybe the victim of cheating thinks that he's happy, but at least one person is not fully invested in the relationship. So, I wouldn't call it a "happy" one. And frankly, she doesn't really care about this guy at all, or his happiness. How can he possibly be happy? He's not happy about a positive reality; he's happy about an illusion of happiness that she's created. It's all built on lies. She's also put an unfair burden on all of you by pressuring you into keeping her secret and make you complicit in all of that.

It also bothers me that she plans to do this for years. Again, STDs. And what if she gets knocked up and pulls paternity fraud?

To be fair to her, maybe she really is deeply unhappy, but she owes it to herself as well as to him to break up and find happiness rather than exploit others. Cheating is not the win-win solution that people make it out to be.

It also really frustrates me that he's so blind and won't see her for what she is. Reminds me of the film "Scarlet Street" in which the main male character has no clue that the young woman with whom he is in love and for whom he sacrifices everything is completely using him. I won't spoil the film, but suffice to say, it ain't pretty how things turn out for him.

There's also another point to consider: what will this person do to you guys/how will he react if he finds out that you all knew? Do you think that he might become depressed? Suicidal? Do you think that he would harm her if he found out? What kind of personality does he have? I feel torn: on the one hand, even though she's doing horrible things, I wouldn't want him to hurt her. On the other hand, though, I'd also worry about how he might react to you if he finds out that none of you stood up for him. It's a catch-22.

I can definitely see your point, though, about minding your business, as I myself am like that on a lot of things. I hate to get into other people's business and don't like to interfere with people's lives. However, at the same time, as I said earlier, I would want someone to tell me if I was being cheated on. I would feel much more hurt if no one told me and everyone was laughing at me or pitying me behind my back.

posted May 31, 2012 08:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
I have a friend who cheated on her boyfriend of almost ten years for 5 of those years. They are very happy together now and have a newborn baby. I think he's had his suspicions based on the fact that before he got her pregnant (on purpose), he was trying to "fatten her up" so she'd be less attractive to other men. I think he'd be humiliated if he knew that she was going around telling all her friends about it, he'd probably feel like they were laughing at him behind his back (it wasn't like that. She had remorse). I think he preferred to not know for sure, and to think that if she did anything, she was discreet about it and didn't tell anyone (that none of his friends knew). Anyway, it's a moot point since she hasn't cheated in 3 years.

So much of relationships are about pride. Pride is connected to public image.

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posted May 31, 2012 08:57 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Pandacake,

Part of being a man is having the intestinal fortitude to accept reality and deal with the issues at hand. This gentleman has work to do to secure his future and some rather unpleasant but necessary decisions to make. This young lady can use some growing up.

---

I have to agree. People never want to believe that someone they know, especially someone that they care about, could betray them or hurt them, but often, it's exactly those people who are in the best position to hurt you the most. Sometimes, you have to let go of toxic people and admit to yourself that those people were not who you thought they were--I'm learning that lesson now in the case of a friendship that I had. It's embarrassing to be wrong about a person, but it's even more embarrassing to let someone continually use you and take advantage of you. It would hurt him to break up with her, but it's going to hurt him more--financially and emotionally--to stay with her.

Plus, since you mention working to secure his future, it seems like breaking up with her would be the only way to do that, since she's clearly using him and draining his finances for her own benefit, without even giving him fidelity in return.

posted June 01, 2012 12:04 PM            

Now she seems to realise that what she is doing is unfair to him. Previously she believed that as long he doesn't know and is happy, it's all good. She will tell him or maybe just break up with him soon because he is meaning to stop paying for her appartment and make her move in with him. And at the same time one of her lovers want to fly over ... They both will have many things to rethink indeed.

Interesting this Venus RX.

My apologies for starting such a, well, rather strange thread. I was thrown off balance and didn't know what to do but I can look at it from a better perspective now.