posted September 06, 2012 03:27 AM            

Manipulators seek one thing: control. Anyone can be manipulative or manipulated: parents, lovers, spouses, friends, children, employers or employees. Because any relationship that involves manipulation is destined for problems, you need to recognize and deal with a manipulator for your own mental and emotional health.

quote:

---

Identify manipulative behaviors. Manipulators are very good at what they do: controlling others. Their tactics vary, but the goal is always to get the manipulated to do what the manipulator wants. Manipulative behaviors can include threatening, flattering, giving you guilt or demeaning you. They may keep you guessing by alternating between excesses of affection and charm and coldness or anger. If you often feel stressed and resentful when dealing with someone, you may be enmeshed in a manipulative relationship.

Look at ways in which you play into the manipulator's hands. List things you have done or not done to please the manipulator and how you felt when at the time.

Figure out which buttons the manipulator is pressing. For example, if you are a giving and caring person, a manipulator might suggest that you are cold and selfish if you are start resisting the manipulator's schemes.

Stop making excuses for the manipulator. If you blame the manipulative behavior on his insecurities or unhappy childhood, know that such excuses are a key part of his manipulative strategy. Be wary of anyone who regularly "plays the victim."

Turn down "generous" offers of help, money, time, etc. To a manipulator, these are always "quid pro quo." Manipulators use "gifts" they give to get something out of you.

Assert yourself. Say no to manipulative demands calmly and rationally.

Establish and maintain boundaries. You need to distance yourself emotionally in order to deal with the manipulative comments and behaviors. Cultivate detachment and consider it necessary "tough love."

Challenge lies and half-truths. Use logic instead of emotion to argue back. If necessary, end the battle by "agreeing to disagree." Hold your position. Be prepared to repeat yourself many times until the manipulator backs off.

Prepare yourself for the manipulator to escalate her behavior. The manipulator will not give up control without a fight. You will hear how "mean" you are and how "hurt" she is by your "uncaring" behavior. The manipulator's behavior may become worse than ever or she may totally withdraw. Stand firm, don't get defensive and don't take the bait.

See how the manipulator responds to the changes you have made. Some people see the error of their ways and come to appreciate the benefits of a more equitable relationship. Once you deal with the manipulator, you will feel more optimistic, more powerful and once again in control of your destiny.

---

------------------

quote:

---

Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---

posted September 06, 2012 08:50 AM            

Manipulators are very good at what they do: controlling others.

Manipulative behaviors can include threatening, flattering, giving you guilt or demeaning you.

Be wary of anyone who regularly "plays the victim."

if you are a giving and caring person, a manipulator might suggest that you are cold and selfish if you are start resisting the manipulator's schemes.

Manipulators use "gifts" they give to get something out of you.

Our responsibility when confronted by one?

Challenge lies and half-truths. Use logic instead of emotion to argue back.

Prepare yourself for the manipulator to escalate their behavior. The manipulator will not give up control without a fight.

You will hear how "mean" you are and how "hurt" they is by your "uncaring" behavior.

Some people see the error of their ways and come to appreciate the benefits of a more equitable relationship.

posted September 06, 2012 08:58 AM            

------------------

quote:

---

Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---

posted September 06, 2012 01:27 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by juniperb:
if you are a giving and caring person, a manipulator might suggest that you are cold and selfish if you are start resisting the manipulator's schemes.

You will hear how "mean" you are and how "hurt" they is by your "uncaring" behavior.

---

WOW! This is exactly what happened to me at the beginning of that year. Yes, EXACT these words how selfish and uncaring I have been acting.
From a certain point on there was no point in reasoning anymore, and it is sad, but this was the only person whose email address I ever blocked.

The thing is I KNEW it with the first post I read. (not just in this case, but there have been other cases as well) and in each and every case my INITIAL feeling told me clearly what was to expect and I regretted not having listened to it but being reasonable and giving them the benefit of doubt.

posted September 06, 2012 04:04 PM            

And you`re right. No amount of reason can move them.

I hope you were able to set boundries and remember to use that experience to spot the next one quicker and have confidence in handling them.

posted September 06, 2012 04:52 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
WOW! This is exactly what happened to me at the beginning of that year. Yes, EXACT these words how selfish and uncaring I have been acting.
From a certain point on there was no point in reasoning anymore, and it is sad, but this was the only person whose email address I ever blocked.

The thing is I KNEW it with the first post I read. (not just in this case, but there have been other cases as well) and in each and every case my INITIAL feeling told me clearly what was to expect and I regretted not having listened to it but being reasonable and giving them the benefit of doubt.

---

If this is who I think it is, I know that they sent someone on another board the only nasty PM they've ever received from someone - when this person was trying to help them.

posted September 06, 2012 05:24 PM            

Nasty people abound and it`s so much more difficult when it is family.

Emotional blackmail is so ugly and debilitating.

posted September 06, 2012 11:57 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by teasel:
Well, I know you aren't talking about me - we've barely spoken, and only about food when we have.

---

Was this directed at me?

No, OF COURSE NOT, I wasn`t speaking of you. I have only good memories about us talking.

EDIT:
I am sorry about your family trouble as well. honestly, if you come across manipulators online, it is pretty easy. Just stop conversing with them.
But when it comes from the family, it is so hard to deal with it, and you canīt simply stop communicating without it affecting your whole life.

posted September 07, 2012 01:18 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by teasel:
If this is who I think it is, I know that they sent someone on another board the only nasty PM they've ever received from someone - when this person was trying to help them.

I'll edit this out later.

---

I am curious now.
Did this person DEMAND that help would be given in a certain form (and no other)?

posted September 07, 2012 01:25 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by juniperb:
Ceri, I believe that is one of the most common traits . Cold, selfish or full of hate/anger. Naturally, by claiming you are such, they by default become the victim and it`s a vicious circle.

And you`re right. No amount of reason can move them.

I hope you were able to set boundries and remember to use that experience to spot the next one quicker and have confidence in handling them.

---

I actually spotted this one soone than I have done in previous cases, and acted accordingly.
The thing is i expressed that I felt manipulated (just talking about my feelings there), and the reaction was totally blown out of proportion, which made it very clear to me that this was what was really going on.

though I must add that I am not sure that all manipulators are doing it consciously. It hink some really think they are being treated unfairly.

Interestingly by accusing me of being uncaring and cold, that is exactly what happened: I really stopped caring, which I very very rarely do.

posted September 07, 2012 01:29 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by ghanima81:
I dealt with this so much with my ex, it has left a permanent scar and distrust of people's motives. I am trying to move past it, not let his destruction of my self-worth carry over and ruin any chance at future happiness. It is not easy.. you question your own sanity and motives. You begin to be what they are projecting onto you, and you live in shame and fear. Anxiety is now a problem for me. But I am aware of it, I know the signs of a manipulator, and it will NOT happen again.

I'm sorry for your family troubles, teasel. That must be so much more difficult since its family. I truly hope she will "see the light" someday and there can be peace between you.

---

Ghanima,
I am very sorry for your troubles. It is really a tough lesson. But yes, I think, youīre right. It will never happen again.

My best friend`s boyfriend of a time was a sociopath, one of the reserved kind; noone really noticed it for quite some time.
But yes, he was emotionally very manipulative, and I remember that after breaking up with him she was having anxiety attacks regularly (to the point she couldnīt take public transportation anymore, at least for a time).

Well, the good thing is she is now married to a lovely man with 2 kids and a 3rd one being due in october.

posted September 07, 2012 05:38 AM            

I have dealt with my fair share of such behaviors. Falling a victim to them is easy but when it starts to interfer with your person dignity and morals, one has to start taking charge, make them aware that you will not be played and lay down the boundries. They will not change if their behavior is always accepted.

True change always starts with one's self. We can't expect others to take pity on us and try to fix us.

Anyhow, I'm glad most can spot various types of manipulation and act on it accordingly.

------------------

quote:

---

Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---

posted September 07, 2012 06:47 AM            

"We don't always catch the manipulation when it starts."
That is exactly the problem I think. It is like showing up for a theatreplay late on time and having missed the beginning.

"ost times we feel too bad or question whether we have inflicted pain/hurt onto the other person and those thoughts deviates us from the actual situation.. a control tactic on the manipulators part."
Yes, absolutely. Secondguessing ourselves is the manipulator`s best asset.
I still reevualate my own behaviour though, because sometimes I actually may be in the wrong.

"one has to start taking charge, make them aware that you will not be played and lay down the boundries"
Yes, that is what I did. And if the boundaries are not respected (as they weren`t), I walk away.
Well, in this case it was not too hard to do that as I was personally far less invested than the other person obviously thought.
It is much harder to do that if you feel an emotional bond, be it in close friendships, relationships or even family relations.

"
True change always starts with one's self. We can't expect others to take pity on us and try to fix us."
Yes, agreed. We canīt change others. WE can only change our own behaviour/ thinking etc.
of course this change in OUR attitude often demands to modify other`s reactions to us.

"Anyhow, I'm glad most can spot various types of manipulation and act on it accordingly."
My lovely Mom has Sun in Scorpio, Mercury in Scorpio and ASC in Cancer.
No, she is not trying to manipulate us at all; she just know what is right and true, and all she ever does is making us see where we are wrong and she is right.

Actually she is not that bad; and she is not aware she is trying to manipulate people`s thinking at all. Actually when she has been told by my brother, my aunt and myself (independently from each other!) that she has tended to be controlling and manipulative in the past, she was shocked and upset about it and denied it vehemently.
It is behaviour she finds utterly disgusting (her Uranus conjuncts ASC and trines Mercury); in her case it is simply a thing of "Black-and-white"-thinking.

posted September 07, 2012 07:33 AM            

-Have a standard and stick to it, demand certain behavior and if that is not forthcoming then one is late in leaving

-Beware those who get to close, to fast, they are trying to build rapid rapport

-Trust your initial instincts about someone you meet in person, not that this cannot change over time but a manipulator (or sociopath's) trick is to know how to project what they want you to see. A fascinating thing but think of one of those 3-d pictures that you cannot see at first, but you know something is hidden in there

-Beware those who always either need help, or have a to pat of an excuse for why they did not do something, this is a huge red flag of manipulative behavior. They either are not serious about their lives or they are used to simply issuing a self excuse and acting like the whole thing never happened. It does not help someone to help whenever they need it this merely extends whatever flaw it is in the other person that will extend the counter productive behavior.

-A good general rule is if they thrash and ex, or several ex's, chances are good they are incapable of seeing their portion of whatever it is that went wrong. If the manipulator never mentions whatever redeeming quality that attracted them in the first place then imo it would seem they are incapable of being introspective.

posted September 07, 2012 08:22 AM            

Indeed. I know as an Aquarius, I need to be more aware of water signs emotions.. I am tongue in cheek and don`t let emotions drift into the logic arena very often . (I`ve had "awareness" practice w/my children & family water signs)

So, I do check myself and see if perhaps I have said something to be taken as out of line . That first time you check your self with a manipulator, the second time becomes easier and it is like they are programming the situtation.

When the light bulb comes on, it`s done. I set rules and boundries for self and the manipulator. They are manipulating empty space and it infuriates them ; usually exposing their own actions. By then, I have walked away and can begin renewing my weary energy.

Difficult situtations for sure, but we do become spiritually and emotionally stronger and more aware of our fellow humans needs and behaviors.

posted September 07, 2012 08:31 AM            

"One cannot feel both sympathy, and mistrust, at the same time"

Those folks thrive in the space sympathy creates, and tbh, imo I think that is the overly sympathetic person's lack of self awareness at work.

The manipulator does not create that space, the one being manipulated does, this is where these slugs operate and it is very effective and a huge cause of emotional train wrecks imo.

I speak from experience on that one, used to be the world's worst at allowing that to happen.

posted September 07, 2012 08:42 AM            

Btw, Juni, Aqua is one of my favorite sun signs along with a couple of others.

------------------

quote:

---

Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---

posted September 07, 2012 04:53 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Was this directed at me?

No, OF COURSE NOT, I wasn`t speaking of you. I have only good memories about us talking.

EDIT:
I am sorry about your family trouble as well. honestly, if you come across manipulators online, it is pretty easy. Just stop conversing with them.
But when it comes from the family, it is so hard to deal with it, and you canīt simply stop communicating without it affecting your whole life.

---

No, it wasn't aimed at you. I was talking to Charmaine. Unless I've missed something - but we've had a few disagreements, so I'm never sure anymore (because I get emotional).

posted September 08, 2012 03:17 AM            

------------------

quote:

---

Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---

posted September 08, 2012 03:28 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by charmainec:
Great points, Padre and Juni.

Btw, Juni, Aqua is one of my favorite sun signs along with a couple of others.

---

Thanks!