posted November 24, 2012 08:05 PM            

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posted November 24, 2012 08:37 PM            

I've gone through a long period with the numbness~ still am somewhat. It barely shook me when my father passed away earlier this year. Sure, I -felt- something, but not how any normal (healthy relationship) daughter would when her ol' man dies.

It's depression~ and, if it continues for too long the best thing I could think to do is either seek out a close personal friend~ and try out the usual de-stressing activities friends help you do~ (tubs of ice cream, girl's night out, cry like a mf while watching the most heart-wrenching films on the planet, join an intense work out program together (like a self defense class) --- and otherwise - force that emotion out~ )... If you still feel closed in, then it is definitely time you turn to a professional, or in the worse case scenario - consider admitting yourself for a longer treatment... not just in cases of -thoughts of suicide- or such~ but even if it is just really severe, and you feel it is truly holding you back, keeping you from the joy of life... there are respite programs~ and many alternative counselors or even life coaches who can help you when you are struggling.

It depends on how long it lasts and how severe it is - in your heart~

but, I really want ya' to know that you aren't alone, you have my prayers~ I know how it is... lived through a really long (too long) period of the numbness, and I'm still here, and it does get better~ once you let it. I don't want to bring God into the equation~ I haven't been of the religious mindset in quite sometime... but, Ami~ if you want to talk~ the church, synagogue ~ (your faith leader) is always a good place to start.

I urge ya' to get out more~ once you start losing interest in things you enjoyed before especially~ if that happens... then you will definitely -know- it's time to free yourself of whatever is challenging your faith, your freedom, or your love.

posted November 24, 2012 09:23 PM            

I'm sorry to hear your father died. Were you close to him? ...It took me about six months after my dad died to really feel the pain of it.

To answer your question, Ami, I think I'm partly frozen. (And thinking of that Madonna song )

I can empathize with other people, but have a hard time allowing myself to feel the pain that comes from inside of me. I don't really know the difference between mourning and self-pity; I was trained to always, always "just get over it" growing up. And that has served me well in some respects, but it's stifled my ability to grieve. I just try and ignore whatever "needs" grieving and that ignorance seeps out and ices other areas.

I think everyone does a little of that. But with some people it can be so drastic that it manifests in disease.

posted November 24, 2012 10:00 PM            

I was and I wasn't... He was a very stereotypical Pisces~ he lived a life of drugs and excess, philandered around with countless women, cheated quite often on my step mother, drove her insane (literally), and always played the victim. He was the kindest sort of man, and also the most selfish.

He suffered from seizures from an accident at 14, took prescription meds for it all his life (several operations to make the grand mal into petite), and all of that really ended up f-g up his body, then the damage he did to himself over the years with non-prescription medicines, and just overall neglecting his health.... we knew he was going to die... but, then again, I was told he was dying from the age of 5 on. It wasn't until after I had my son that I became close to either of my parents. 22 years of constant war and bitterness between them, and myself. But, my dad was always closer to me... always knew me better... even though he truly didn't participate much in my upbringing, and half the influence he had on me was negative by social standards. heh Piscesss~ <3 gotta love 'dem bad fishies. I had really tried to fix things, and always stayed in contact with him since moving up here to Canada~ but he kept slipping away~ I think, in his mind, not causing me worry was more important than having a his daughter around during his episodes... in fact, although I know/have cared for many an epileptic... I never once saw my father seizure. ^~^; he was so happy to God that I never did. that's how he was. They called me in June and I had to fly down post-haste~ and it was quite a struggle without a VISA to travel by air, we didn't even know at the time if they'd let me back into Canada or not (was still in PR processing). I spent 2 weeks at his side, completely numb... trying to be a diligent daughter. I don't know if I've even really mourned him yet. I have some of his ashes, against his wishes... hehe - he knows I'm the rebellious type~ wherever he is now. ^_^; Huge fall out with his side of the family since then though... he left money in his account and I just don't have the urge or heart to touch it... they can't understand this... iunno - I just don't want to deal with it yet... it's not really going anywhere and I've always hated taking money from my parents for anything - live or dead. hmmph.

--- because of my nursing experience I didn't show emotion when he passed, very little indeed. I was the same when my paternal grandfather died, and my dearest uncle, and my best friend's brother... I was like you as a child, grief was a weakness- although nobody taught me that. I just accepted death as part of the process of living~ somebody once told me we're dying from the moment we are born, and that kinda' desensitized me instantly~ because it is technically true. ^^;

Enough morbidity~

sorry -

If Ami Anne needs to vent or wants to rant~ I say have at it~ sometimes it is the best thing in the world to just go nutty for a bit and laugh at yourself while you do it~ kinda' completes the ensemble when you are a laughing maniac~ Make a little voodoo dolly of whatever person/entity is causing you angst/grief and yell at it aloud, stomp it, burn it, stick pins in it~ mentally visualize that thing being pushed out of your life, and close the doors on it forever!~

Do something you love, share something you know you love with others~ or just try something absolutely unlike yourself/something new!~

These have always helped me in the past~ I'm pretty sure I've done all of them~
--- but I may have been inebriated in several instances or so~ teehee

posted November 24, 2012 10:41 PM            

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posted November 24, 2012 10:53 PM            

anytime, love~ anytime!! <3

posted November 24, 2012 11:36 PM            

No apologies, I asked! I guess I might be the morbid one (?) since I tend to ask questions hoping to get people to open up about issues around death (8H Pisces moon, Scorpio NN...lots of funerals under my belt.)

So thank you for talking about it. Your dad sounds very interesting and lovable, even with his eccentricities (and I'm sorry your stepmother didn't handle it well.) 'Glad you had something good and sweet with him even if it wasn't a typical kind of relationship.

I can see how being a nurse affects how you deal with his passing.

When my dad died I became parentless which may have been the bigger issue...I felt like I had no safety net anymore (even if it was just a psychological safety net. I never wanted to take anything from my dad, either.) I was 31 then, but just felt very old. Like, a person shouldn't be parentless until their 50's right? So I felt 50.

I'm sleepy and that's all for the best since I have been feeling super talkative lately (transiting Jupiter is conjunct my Mars in Gemini arghhhh forcing me to yammer on and on! LOL) and I don't even know if I'm making much sense.

Nice talking with you, though.

posted November 25, 2012 12:09 AM            

anyway~ (gotta go to sleep soon too, my eyes are starting to play tricks on me hah) -
Losing my dad was the third loss in just over a year~ though... I think I've just been wiped out~ in the emotions department, or overwhelmed maybe... I think it'll all hit me when I get to visit home with my son again (haven't taken him back to the states since he was just 1, he's 5 now!)~ my mom = goin' mad to see him again... but not having dad there~ that's gonna probably hit me like a ton of bricks~ Plus we almost lost my stepfather this year too~ he went from stage IV cancer to remission~ so far he's doin' way better, and has gone back to work!~ then my mother who was recently diagnosed with diabetes said she has some "(fatty)spots" on her liver... I've been harassing her like a mad woman to watch her weight, quit smoking/drinking, take her medicine~ we'll see how that goes~ lol

I get to play parent to her now~ ^^; Determined not to fail~ ><; but she's such an airhead~ seriously~ I only looked at her chart once but I just skimmed over it, and said... "airhead".... lol

If you don't mind me asking, when did you lose your mother? Or, rather I'd like to ask how you loss your parents...? I'll understand if that's too personal/painful~ please don't feel obliged~ <3

--- I'm glad you asked actually~ this is the first time I've written/spoken about his passing in any detail to anyone~ ---talking/writing = best therapy~ so, I thank you~~~ now... how much do you charge...? ^_- I feel I owe you ~ indebted even!~
^^

posted November 26, 2012 07:47 AM            

Sorry for the delay, I wasn't on the computer yesterday.

You lost three people in one year? That's so tough. I can see how that might make you feel like it's going to hit you all at once one of these days. That's just how it goes, right?

Sometimes, though, I think it's actually a big relief to "lose it." Like I said, about 6 months after my dad died, I did mourn, but very erratically. Once I saw a sad picture on a magazine cover in a grocery store, and before I knew what was going on, my face was covered with a waterfall of tears, and I couldn't get a hold of myself, so I went to the bathroom and cried in a stall. Must've been something going on with the planets that day...

My experience was, there wasn't anyone to talk to. Maybe that's why I kept it bottled up...no outlet, really. But I did become friends with a woman who was orphaned at age 13. When I confided in her that I felt like no one understood how rough it was for me, she said, "Give it up, they'll never understand unless they've lost both parents themselves. You just have to go through it to *get* it." And that clicked with me.

But my friend is a steely Cap moon who's tragedy definitely was worse than mine, so we never really bonded over our predicament, either. That's okay, it's enough to be around someone similar.

My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was 14. I never told anyone she was dying and wouldn't talk to anyone about it for a long time afterwards...five years or so. Her disease was so wretched that I was relieved when she died, and didn't want to risk sounding cold when I talked about it to people. Because I was SO relieved it was over, but I didn't know if that was appropriate or what.

My parents-in-law both died of congestive heart failure when I was 24 and 26. So my two youngest children never met any grandparents. I feel bad that there's this void, and they don't even really understand what they are missing out on.

So...that's my sad story.

Hope you can get your mom to start watching her health!

And I'm really happy that your stepfather went into remission from Stage IV cancer! Did he do anything special to bring that about?

My brother-in-law has leukemia and was given a 15 year life expectancy back in 2006. I have resisted doing the math on when he might die...but other than that, I'm fortunate that I am not in that terrible part of life where I am waiting for someone to die. I guess this is the "advantage" to already going through it with so many people already. I'm sorry you are in that place where you have to worry about your loved ones' health. I know it can be super stressful.

The "fee" I charge for listening to your story is, I tell you my own story.

Deal?

Best wishes to you. I like signing off with rainbows as well.

posted November 26, 2012 01:36 PM            

But I'm fairly sure it's about depression. It may not be a major depression but more subtle forms like dysthymia..

It's hard to live that way and I think external help is necessary to heal.

posted December 01, 2012 01:48 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
I guess I can relate, Ami.

But I'm fairly sure it's about depression. It may not be a major depression but more subtle forms like dysthymia..

It's hard to live that way and I think external help is necessary to heal.

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Thank you, Sweetie. Just saw this. Your Fire Void is hard when it comes to this. I am feeling better now, as I found my total, true passion--creative writing. I am doing it with a small group of people and they are commenting. Talk about joy. This is about the greatest joy I could have in something that is not bad for you

Sorry to hear of your struggles. You know where to find me, always. I, always, feel close to you no matter how often ( or not) we talk! xxxoo

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posted December 03, 2012 08:24 AM            

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posted December 03, 2012 11:28 AM            

Unfortunately I seem to be unable to do astrology and writing simultaneously.

posted December 03, 2012 11:56 AM            

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posted December 03, 2012 02:08 PM            

But maybe it is also the timeconsuming job I have.

posted December 03, 2012 07:40 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Because ever since I re-discovered astrology, I encountered a years-long writer`s block.

But maybe it is also the timeconsuming job I have.

Not totaly gone. Actually I found something I had been writing a year ago, on a new years eve concert (during the break actually). It was kinda interesting to see what I was going through at that time.

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I feel free like a bird soaring when I do creative writing, but it is not fun if people don't let me know I am touching them.

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posted December 06, 2012 07:35 AM            

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posted December 06, 2012 11:04 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by 7thGuardian:
Sorry to hear that Ami... if I'm not being to intrusive... when did this started happening, is it related to something that happened at that specific time? This sounds like a deep psychological blockage or a soul disconnection - related to someone special, the kind that helped you experience life from an emotional point of view... time can heal your wounds - but it helps know the exact cause that makes you feel this way... helps you chose an appropriate path to recovery. A public forum can help to if other people can relate...

In do time, things will get better - don't worry sister Gemini - might be for the best right now, this might have happened to protect you from a deep emotional pain.

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So Sweet, 7th. Thank you. Yes, I remember the exact moment I went numb. My mother had been abusive for my whole life. She molested me, even. I had in my mind that my father was on my side. I clung to this. I made up my mind that he was on my side but too weak to stand up. One day, I got the courage to ask him about her and he told me there was nothing wrong with her. At that moment, I became numb and have not come out of it since, until now.

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posted December 06, 2012 01:04 PM            

Not sure if this is Gemini related - some friends say it is, but maybe for us Geminis - "words" are to important and if - a person says the wrong words (like your father did) - we take those words more serious than our life experience till that point... is that true, can you relate with this? - maybe that's how most people are not just those with Gemini Sun - cause we all have a bit of every Sign in us (for some it's even more prominent than the Sun sign).

If i remember correctly - your mother is a psychologist (or something similar)? ...and maybe you find it hard to trust people with similar jobs - but i found a guy which made his life purpose to help others with advices related to problems like the ones your facing - he had his share of abuse (from what he says) and he worked for a long time with people in a similar situation - now, he hosts a free/non-profit site intended especially for this, but he also uses a YouTube channel where he tries to guide those in need for help:
http://www.youtube.com/user/gercacn - each video has a specific subject which covers a certain problem

doesn't hurt to try, you can start with this: Do you LOVE yourself? How can you tell? - and other of your choice... hope this can be useful.

posted December 06, 2012 01:15 PM            

Please, keep talking to me, when I am on various threads. You feel like a friend

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posted December 06, 2012 02:58 PM            

You were the 1'st friendly soul i knew on this forum and that - by trying to be helpful, trying to help a stranger who seemed to be in need of help - you've shown many times compassion for others and there's a friendly vibe coming from you - especially when you're happier and feeling better...so - if now, you're in need of some help and i can be of some assistance, I'd gladly help you in any way i can and i'm not doing this just to return the service, but also because i like people like you. ^^ If i can I'm willing to help even those i don't like in particular... so... it goes without saying I'd do the same for someone like you.

posted December 06, 2012 03:31 PM            

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posted December 06, 2012 05:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I feel frozen. I can't feel things out. Can anyone relate?

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Air, gemini.

How does one intellectualize emotions?