posted December 02, 2012 12:42 PM            

This may sound like a stupid question. Maybe, it is, but I could use some help. Thanks

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posted December 02, 2012 02:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
but you still want o have a relationship with them, what do you do? If they won't admit it, do you just ignore the whole thing?

This may sound like a stupid question. Maybe, it is, but I could use some help. Thanks

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The wisest decision can vary depending on the circumstance. If the person harmed you, but is genuinely remorseful and determined not to repeat the offense, then reaching out to them may be cathartic for you both. If the person harmed you and then walked away from the offense with ignorance, you may want to face the topic with them. A person's reaction to being told they hurt you, says a lot about the kind of relationship you should be building with them. And your ability to consider that person's story says a lot about your own ability to be in that person's life.

If a person shows no remorse for harming you (and you are 100% positive that the harm was intentional) then pursuing a relationship with that person is a practice in self-destruction. People who harm us don't want to be our friend, The want to use us to help them work through their personal problems. It is more often than not, just that simple.

My Gemini sister faces this problem often and I would like to share my observations of her experiences and why they arise. I know you are different from my sister, but perhaps it will offer some perspective on how other Geminis struggle with this same issue.

My sister has been hurt by many people. It's tragic to see how poorly she has been treated through her life.

Her biological father didn't want her, and her mother quickly lost interest in her after boys were born.
Her adopted/step father took out his Plutonian aggressions on her through physical and sexual abuse
Her forced religious upbringing kept her from being allowed to be a healthy social teenager.
When she was able to get free from her step father, our mother used the abuse she had been ignoring for several years, as a ticket out of her boring marriage. It caused my sister's only social outlet (church) to treat her like a home wrecker.
The aunt she move in with after getting free from her step father was very family oriented, she took my sister in and counted her as one of her own children, but conveniently excluded her whenever it suited her needs.
When she couldn't live with our aunt anymore, our mother allowed her to come live with us, but quickly grew jealous at the idea that her new husband might find my 17 year old sister more attractive. So our mom kicked her out and she lived in her car until she was able to get a job and support herself.
She worked hard and eventually ended up dating a lawyer. They shared the expenses for a beautiful house on a golf course, with a pool, two golden retrievers, a sports car, and an SUV. She wanted to marry him, because they were best friends, but after several years he still wasn't willing to propose (due to his mother not liking my sister). He even got her pregnant and convinced her to have an abortion, when having a baby has been her biggest desire all her life. He eventually broke up with her after a 10 year relationship, then met a girl, married her, and had a baby within a year's time.

The list goes on, but it just supports how much she has had to struggle. She is not the only Gemini I know with a life like this either. The problem is, she has such a deep desire for social peace. Even when people treat her poorly, she eventually returns for more abuse. She may get angry, but when all is said and done she feels mature enough to let the offense slide off her back and takes the abuse because she just wants things to be socially positive. On the opposite side, she is incredibly hand-shy and expects people are just waiting to hurt her. She always has an eye out for any possible way a person could try to treat her poorly and it can result is completely imaginary offenses. She will have a conversation with a person, misunderstand something they said, and blow it up into a huge horrible fight. If you come to her and explain to her what you meant, she accepts the "excuse" for the cause of peaceful social results, but never believes she could have misunderstood. She has a completely alternate reality going on in her head and it really shades the way she perceives people's interactions with her.

She picks fights with people in our family all the time (me especially, because I am one of the boys our mother abandoned her for). Being a Sag, I will be completely honest about my opinion or actions. Yet she is convinced at least once a year, that I talk in hidden insults or intentionally do subversive things, going out of my way to harm, insult, or sabotage her. This is rough for me, because when I was a little kid, she was my hero. I wanted to grow up to be just like her. Now that interest is gone, because she refuses to see me without the filter of her hurt. There is no reasoning with her about these intentions not existing, it is all just me not standing up and facing my true desire to be mean to her, etc...

Point being, I think it's important for people to sit with an experience and meditate on what it is about. Place their self in other people's shoes and consider all angles. Of course there are undeniable offenses, like the ones listed above. But we all have the ability to view things out of our own heads. And giving that perspective higher value over all the other equally important perspectives can result in miscommunication and overall misery. I think my final suggestion is to sit with the issue, and be honest about it. Sometimes people are better kept at arms length, for our own health. Sometimes we are the ones seeing them in a light which keeps them at arms length and that ends up being our own issue to resolve.

posted December 02, 2012 02:44 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
but you still want o have a relationship with them, what do you do? If they won't admit it, do you just ignore the whole thing?

This may sound like a stupid question. Maybe, it is, but I could use some help. Thanks

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Well, in my case I had a bizarre situation with my mother. (Chiron in 4th house)

I ran away from home cause I could not stand it anymore.
Years had gone by before I sent her a postcard (the force of love made me bending on my knees). Just waited and seeing what happened.

Throughout the years that followed, step-by-step, we turned back to a near to normal situation. Both sides are willing to make the best of it, but underneath the surface, that particular situation is still not outspoken.
The question which rumbled through my mind is: Could'nt I prevent this ?

Ami, in my opinion this is certainly not a stupid question.

posted December 02, 2012 03:03 PM            

I don't like to talk about the person~ or what was done in too much detail~ but it went on for a very long time, and their actions became really bizarre and demented, even lethal towards me. Although I have few memories from the earliest years, the images and memories that flash on/off like light switches being flickered from time to time, are constant reminders of "bad things" people, especially this one supposed family member has done. I don't confront, I tried to and failed for years... first they said I was lying, then that I was being irrational, then they even went so far as to say I was "seeing things".... (they = mother, relatives, and then health care/social workers at the time).

Fast forward to just after I'd finally gotten away from my family and moved to Canada.... living here for about a year and a half at the time... I get a phone call from my mother in a near frantic state, half sobbing - then barely speaking above a whisper.... saying that -this- trusted relative was charged as a criminal for doing exactly what I had suspected all those years ago.

1st let me say - my mother never said she was sorry.... she never said she was sorry for believing him over me, and never apologized for exposing me to that and the million other events that followed because of it.

2nd -- he never once apologized.... he went to some psychiatrist as part of the judge's verdict etc... my mother accompanied on some of the visits...

3rd - while they both know I cannot remember what happened - neither will discuss anything that actually occurred in that span of 18 years.... no sympathy and no apology on either count.

--- so, do I confront them, or do I just live with it...??? I'm still not sure... I want to be the one to forgive... but, I think I've been over-forgiving at times.... it's a dilemma because (although I'm not on good terms with the big *G*uy upstairs anymore) I was raised to believe that it is human to err, divine forgive... >.<;

The good thing is other relatives who were told the truth of the incidents apologized, were even empathetic towards my brother and I... but for the most part just them.

I don't think -I- need to be the one to confront him but on the other hand I desperately want to.... *ugh* frustrating!

but the guilt gets to me.... My mother and brother rely on/need him...
he has issues of his own, and it is good to forgive as we are only human....
and he is in poor health, just recovered from a dangerous illness.

>.<;

I don't know what the answer is~ but I do feel for anyone who is caught in the middle of a circumstance that has them between such a rock and hard place (physically, mentally, and emotionally), like these kinds of betrayals put us through.

So while I can't imagine if I will ever confront the ones who caused me harm or not....

I'll probably (warily) keep them at arms length until the end... If they are on their deathbed, and they still don't have the heart to ask for not mine, but maybe God's forgiveness at least... they deserve whatever they get. I know that may sound harsh... but it's how I truly feel.

posted December 02, 2012 05:16 PM            

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posted December 03, 2012 12:27 PM            

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Thank you, dear friends. I have Chiron in the 4th,too. It is conjunct my name asteroid

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Me too.. on Algol. Thankfully, it is in the past now. The hold it has on me is weaker and weaker day by day as I get stronger.

Long live individualism.

Unfortunately, Christmas is coming. Always considered a family holiday. It is going to be hard on me, but perhaps harder on them. This is not to punish, my need for revenge or any sort of retribution, as well as my anger, somehow got diluted but I am not ready to forgive and I will not fake it for the sake of peace or fear of loneliness.

posted December 03, 2012 09:59 PM            

It's one thing to forgive and move on and do what is best and healthiest for you, it's another to make yourself believe that forgiving also means that you have to continue to take abuse from the same person and continue to have a relationship with them.

posted December 04, 2012 03:10 AM            

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Originally posted by T:
If the person has done no work on themselves or can't admit that they contributed to a problem or have issues to sort out, that they wont face, then it's almost a lost cause and you will just be repeating the same dysfunction with them, in a different way.

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quote:

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Originally posted by T:
Sometimes people get addicted to abuse and it's easy to go back to the dysfunctional relationships or people that you are used to.

It's one thing to forgive and move on and do what is best and healthiest for you, it's another to make yourself believe that forgiving also means that you have to continue to take abuse from the same person and continue to have a relationship with them.

Sometimes, wheather blood related or not, it's best to move on. Wishing them the best as you go.

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posted December 04, 2012 03:11 AM            

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Originally posted by Hera:
Totally agree, T.

I believe it is our duty to first and foremost be good to ourselves. Everyone else comes in second. I know it may sound selfish, but I also think this is human nature, whether we like to admit it or not. I used to feel guilty about that but I don't anymore.

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posted December 04, 2012 05:41 AM            

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