posted December 05, 2012 10:12 AM            

Dating or having a relationship when they already have children by someone else.

Is this a deal breaker?

There are lots of highlights and nice moments in my experience, but sometimes there are some low lights as the children know "you are not my (mom, dad etc)

What can also happen is ones partner can put you on the back burner b/c they just are so dedicated to the children.

posted December 05, 2012 11:00 AM            

Agree, so tough in many ways b/c the first person you meet is the parent, and that is where ones' interest first lays, then there are the children whom in my experience are happy to meet you unless they are just jaded.

America's dirty little secret (one of them) is this is very much a divorce society, 50% of marriages end in divorce and the children are sort of the unspoken part of that situation.

It's a bit like you are there b/c of the parent, but love the kids, but they are never "yours" so to speak so there is this huge tension b/t the three points of the triangle that boils underneath the surface.

posted December 05, 2012 11:11 AM            

quote:

---

It's a bit like you are there b/c of the parent, but love the kids, but they are never "yours" so to speak so there is this huge tension b/t the three points of the triangle that boils underneath the surface.

---

A child should always come first in any relationship and that be known from the very first encounter.

I think of the situtation a little differently tho.

We often think we own children but we don`t. They are a gift. A gift (or blessing) we share over the course of their lives. We can and should share the gifts in a safe and positive way to enrich both child and caretakers lives.

posted December 05, 2012 11:30 AM            

What happens is the single parent does grow a bit lonely, but does not want a relationship, so one night stands are a couple of week fling ensues w/the children being at the periphery or not involved at all.

This situation tends to end suddenly, perhaps one draws to close to them and they just are not interested in a relationship that involves anything more than the pleasures of sex and charm.

A sort of "I'm still attractive, men still find me attractive now I'll go back to being a mom" sensibility

posted December 05, 2012 11:47 AM            

It was probably just individual to who he was, how those kids turned out, but I won't take the risk again. I won't have my child get attached.

posted December 05, 2012 11:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by ghanima81:
Don't agree with your assessment for me personally. I have a child. Just one. Never married. Professional, busy person. Tried with a single dad (had custody of two kids) but what I found is that the kids were already "raised", set in their ways, and my parenting style is completely different. My child was put on the back burner CONSTANTLY by those kids, treated badly and I couldn't say anything because they were not "my" kids. The difference in parenting styles, eating habits, inactivity (OMG laziest kids ever) was too much for me. I didn't want any of it anymore. I felt awful about it, but they were NOT my kids. Their mother was a POS that would come into my house and pick apart everything and they both put their kids on pedestals of no wrong-doing.

It was probably just individual to who he was, how those kids turned out, but I won't take the risk again. I won't have my child get attached.

Dating and keeping somebody on the periphery is the best thing for the kids.

---

Good point, when both have children it adds a huge amount of complexity as not only do the parents have to mesh, the children have to mesh as well.

And the only way to know that is via time and contact with each family.

posted December 05, 2012 12:01 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
There's a message to the kids isn't there? Be selective and choose wisely the first time around.

For myself, I chose once. That's it. If it ever doesn't work out, I'll just live with my decision.

---

Massively difficult to close onesself off completely YTA and imo, not healthy.

posted December 05, 2012 12:13 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
^^^ Naw Padre35, I'm cool with that. I made my bed and I sleep in it. So far, I'm doing well and I intend to stay this way. Just before I got married, I had been on the verge of declaring permanent singlehood, meaning swear off all relationships completely. That's also why I raised by two sons *my way* and nobody else's way. I think they're turing out alright.

---

Well, YTA, we are only human, we do need to be loved and feel needed by those of our peer group.

The alternative is bitterness or the Abbey

Let me expand that a bit, there are of course more choices then those 2, when I say "bitterness" I mean a sense of "what might have been".

posted December 05, 2012 02:41 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I plan to adopt anyways.

---

Hera, out of curiosity, would you tell them they were adopted?

Would you help them find a biological parent if so?

posted December 07, 2012 09:09 AM            

quote:

---

I couldn't say anything because they were not "my" kids. The difference in parenting styles, eating habits, inactivity (OMG laziest kids ever) was too much for me. I didn't want any of it anymore. I felt awful about it, but they were NOT my kids. Their mother was a POS that would come into my house and pick apart everything and they both put their kids on pedestals of no wrong-doing.

---

I hope it was just the individual parents too. What a sad life those children will have

posted December 07, 2012 09:28 AM            

There is financial difficulty, so not much money or stability living situation wise. Also, the older one is in school, but the younger one, the girl, is 4 1/2 and has never been in day care, play group or any other social setting. The only kid she spends time with is her brother. She is very smart (her grandmother/caretaker is a retired teacher) but she has NO social skills at all. She will not share. She is not expected to clean up after herself or eat a single healthy thing. I feel really sorry for her. She is going to have a really hard time in school. She is 4 and wears almost a size 7 clothes, not because she is tall either. It broke my heart. And there's her mother saying in front of her how she will never be fat because she will eat diet pills like cereal. WTF.

The older one is very manipulative. He would constantly get the two girls to go along with what HE wanted to do, and was very sneaky and lied a lot in order to get his way. He just turned 7. When I tried to discuss it with his father, he would deny it and could not see how damaging it was to NOT hold his son accountable for playing those kind of games with people.

posted December 07, 2012 10:26 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Sometimes it can work out great. Brady Bunch

---

posted December 07, 2012 10:31 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
^^^ Naw Padre35, I'm cool with that. I made my bed and I sleep in it. So far, I'm doing well and I intend to stay this way. Just before I got married, I had been on the verge of declaring permanent singlehood, meaning swear off all relationships completely. That's also why I raised by two sons *my way* and nobody else's way. I think they're turing out alright. I can't imagine telling somebody else's kids that I would wh00p their a$$es if they don't come home with all As on their report card (A- are allowed).

---

quote:

---

I have a 16 year old son. My attitude is one of resignation that he will do what he wants to do after he gets to college and there is little I can do to stop him. Hopefully, by then, he would be at least be past his teenaged years and the act will be with someone he cares about, and not out of recreation. Right now, he exercises his propensities by breaking furniture: I have replaced his bed four times already. And they are made of mahagony or heavy cherry wood!

---

posted December 07, 2012 10:42 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:
Sometimes it can work out great. Brady Bunch

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lexxigramer:
Brady Bunch was an idiotic unreal piece of drek.
People called my family situation and other blended families The Brady Bunch.
Gods I got so damn sick of people doing that!
Well all such families were far from happy ,
and mostly full of abuse, neglect, and poverty.
I would not wish such on any child.

---

Let's be fair here, I've seen such families work just fine, usually though the kids are similar in terms of self discipline and helpfulness.