posted January 21, 2013 05:01 PM
sunshine,I haven't read through all the posts so if I repeat something, I apologize.
I have a mother who is very much like this as well and I would agree that you need to create boundaries immediately. You cannot expect that things will change overnight but the act of creating the boundaries will help you as much as it helps your mother and your relationship.
There are several ways to go about it, but the one that worked for me is to take the stuff that your mother puts on you and turn it back around to her, which is where it belongs. There is The Gentle Way and The Not-So-Gentle Way. As an example, if she becomes reactive, sometimes simply observing that she is reactive in a very calm way can immediately remove the energy. Saying something like "it sounds like my decision has really upset you" or in relation to her comments about 'being a slave' when she visits, saying "it sounds like you have some very strong feelings about this".
^^That's the gentle way. It makes it clear that you hear what she has said (which can quell the attention seeking behaviour for a moment) and you are also stating that those are her feelings, as you are simultaneously creating healthy boundaries (which is good practice for you too). Changing how you respond can help a lot in changing the energy and the dynamic you are both used to.
The Not-So-Gentle Way is probably best attempted after you have tried the first method for a while without success. Really, it just means sitting her down and being very forthright with her (still remaining in a calm and authoritative space) about your feelings. Or you could write her a letter. Either way, you are clearly very affected by this and as painful or overwhelming or scary as it might be to talk about it, you will ultimately feel better by taking some control back into your life.
If she gets upset with you, let her. Part of the insidious part of guilt and manipulation is that the other person's feelings have a huge hold on you and that is the essence of their control. It's difficult because she is your mother and at one point (in your childhood) you needed her to be in control (obviously) but remembering that those are your childhood feelings and needs and that they do not serve you as an adult can help. In this case, allowing her the time to feel whatever she wants to feel (even if it's childish pouting or drama) is giving her the same space you are asking from her. So my advice is to detach from it and let it be hers to take responsibility for and own. I think that's the essence of the whole thing 
Good Luck with both your Mom and your surgery!
Lindaland
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posted January 19, 2013 01:19 AM
posted January 22, 2013 01:45 AM
