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Author
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Topic: What should i do?
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Aquarianvisions
Newflake Posts: 4
From: Germany
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted February 20, 2013 04:43 PM
  
Ok i'm in a bit of a pickle here.. I'm Gay but im still in the closet because outting myself would basically ruin my life. you see i love my family and couldnt bear them shunning me, they are old school lutherans and would be very ashamed of me if they knew i was gay.They are starting to get very suspicious because i am highly desired by lots of women and i'm very successful yet i dont have a wife yet, all my brothers are married.Also I have lots of women hitting on me at work and one has been spreading rumors that i am gay because i rejected her, i feel like i will be exposed anyday now, what do i do?IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 2273
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted February 20, 2013 04:53 PM
Awwwww...Sorry for your pain... My eldest daughter, now 25, came out when she was about 17...but she has had the total support of her mom and sis ever since. Alot of folks like you do not and I pain for you all. My eldest said this is so often the reason for suicides, drug abuse, etc within the gay population. I dont have an answer for you. But I would strongly urge you to decide within your heart wheather pleasing your family or yourself is the most loving action you could do for you. I would say, not live a lie, but you have to do what you have to do for yourself! In the long run not being true to yourself will bite ya in the rear, but there are those that can absolutely not be true to themselves cause they are truer to their families. blessins to ya! t~ IP: Logged |
Aquarianvisions
Newflake Posts: 4
From: Germany
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted February 20, 2013 04:57 PM
thanks hippiechick,it means alot..the problem is i love my family very much and dont want to break their hearts but at the same time i have to be true to myself. i tried being straight and making love to a woman but it just wasnt happening for me. i have thought about getting another job and moving far away and starting a new life,so i wouldnt have to risk my family knowing im gay, but that would break their hearts too. IP: Logged |
northvirgo
Knowflake Posts: 114
From:
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted February 20, 2013 04:59 PM
Gossip is just that, gossip. Everything depends on how you want to handle it. You do have the choice to tell people that career ambitions are very important and that love can wait. That for the time being you are quite comfortable being a desirable bachelor. You are looking fro a good partner who wants you for you and not because of your sucess.Another option would be to take this 'preassure' of being found out, and start unravelling the layers and researching the impact of being in the closet and coming out. Sometimes fearing the unkown, uncertain reactions of those we hold dear paralyzes our actions. Being rejected is a posibility but so is acceptance and understanding once the dust settles. This would be an opportunity for you to really start testing the waters with your family. To really test the strength of what it really means to be free to be who you are. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 1734
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted February 20, 2013 05:01 PM
It's so sad that they don't love you like you love them. And of course they don't, or this wouldn't be a problem as they'd desire your happiness as much as you desire theirs, and you'd be there to support each other rather than you catering to their silly sensibilities (being ashamed of you being gay is as silly as being ashamed of you for being left handed) as if what they want is all that's important and not what you want (IOW they'd love you as a gay man as you love them as Lutherans, if the love was mutual). So I think you should ask yourself if they're worthy of your continued love when your love is so one way?That said I do recall an interview with a gay guy on TV who came real close to killing himself, and I was shocked that he'd rather suicide without telling his family why rather than tell them he was gay. Yet when he came out his family was very loving and supportive. 'Course not all families are so loving, but sometimes it's easy to think they'll be harsher than they are. And who knows, maybe learning you're gay will be a good lesson for them and teach them to be more loving (once they recover from the shock of it, though if you're right of them being suspicious they might be relieved it's no longer a question). IP: Logged |
Aquarianvisions
Newflake Posts: 4
From: Germany
Registered: Feb 2013
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posted February 20, 2013 05:10 PM
quote:
Originally posted by northvirgo:
Gossip is just that, gossip. Everything depends on how you want to handle it. You do have the choice to tell people that career ambitions are very important and that love can wait. That for the time being you are quite comfortable being a desirable bachelor. You are looking fro a good partner who wants you for you and not because of your sucess.Another option would be to take this 'preassure' of being found out, and start unravelling the layers and researching the impact of being in the closet and coming out. Sometimes fearing the unkown, uncertain reactions of those we hold dear paralyzes our actions. Being rejected is a posibility but so is acceptance and understanding once the dust settles. This would be an opportunity for you to really start testing the waters with your family. To really test the strength of what it really means to be free to be who you are.
well thats what has worked up until now, but it doesnt anymore..i'm 30 years old and already very successful career wise, i make more money then any of my brothers. my family is starting to ask lots of questions, they just dont understand why a handsome successful man isnt married and has never come to a family function with a girl on his arm. IP: Logged |
somethingexcellent
Knowflake Posts: 389
From: my molted scorp shell
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted February 20, 2013 05:46 PM
That's touughhhh. Do what's best for you. If you don't want to tell them, you don't have to, but if you want to, do it when you're comfortable. I'm glad you're successful!  My mom was similar. "Why do you only have girl friends? How come you never hang out with guys?" 'Cause I'm a guy who's closest friends were only really female. IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 2273
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted February 21, 2013 09:50 AM
Aquarian and something:I get very frusterated with parents like yours..what the heck business is it of theirs anyway? Something, I am assuming you were younger when your mom said what she did, but Aquarian, you as a grown man they really should butt our of your personal life... They raised you, now their role is to be supportive and love you. grrrrr fursterated with silly parents! IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 4817
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted February 21, 2013 03:45 PM
Never do the revelation thing at work because it may somehow affect your career whether you like it or not. First of all, I'm not trying to be judgmental, but maintain your professionalism at work and stay away from all females in the workplace. Ignore all females hitting on you at work, and that includes males for that matter. I'm speaking from the experience of a divisional head of a global multinational organization. Now I speak as a Methodist. I'm very sorry for all you are going through emotionally and you have my full empathy. As a Christian, I wouldn't believe that your family would shun you. However, this closet thing has to be done in the context of Christianity, whether you like it or not. Face the facts. Anything you say to your family will be met with Biblical quotes. Otherwise, whatever your family thinks isn't important anyway and f them. And f the women at work spreading rumors about you. Their opinion doesn't matter. Your job performance and career development does. Ignore that woman and just do your job and leave work satisfied. Focus on what's important, and that's your family and close friends. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 4817
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted February 21, 2013 03:56 PM
In American ghetto talk, there is a common expression: "I don't sh1t where I eat." It means you don't engage in romantic and/or sexual relations with individuals where you earn your livelihood. So that female can go take a long hike off a short pier. Something like this: Ich Scheiße nicht wo ich essen. A couple years ago in America, we had a TV production called The Sopranos. One of the famous quotes about business and fornication was: "You don't sh1t where you eat. And you especially don't sh1t where I eat." The context of that remark was that the main mafia character declined to have sexual relations with a female mafia business partner. No woman - except my wife - and even then - will stand in the way of my livelihood and how I make my money. That's my advice from the professional angle. You are still young at 30, so focus on what matters in your life. IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer
Moderator Posts: 1553
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted February 21, 2013 06:32 PM
Aquarianvisions 
You are 30 years old and not obviously dating any women.
How many years more will it take for everyone to catch onto that you are gay?
So unless you become a declared life time celibate;
sooner or later people will figure it out.
Some families cope well with such a disclosure;
others like my homophobic family,
shun and disown any gay person and or those
who have gay friends.
I had to choose;
my life, my friends;
or my homophobic rabid Christian bigoted family.
I chose my chosen "family",
my gay friends.I wish I knew what to say, to help you.
{{{hugs}}}
All I can say in summary is;
be true to yourself;
or resign yourself to a shadow life denying yourself just to please others who may or may not understand.
Love that cannot accept the real you is not real love, no matter how much you desire it to be so.
IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 2273
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted February 21, 2013 08:20 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Lexxigramer:
Aquarianvisions
You are 30 years old and not obviously dating any women.
How many years more will it take for everyone to catch onto that you are gay?
So unless you become a declared life time celibate;
sooner or later people will figure it out.
Some families cope well with such a disclosure;
others like my homophobic family,
shun and disown any gay person and or those
who have gay friends.
I had to choose;
my life, my friends;
or my homophobic rabid Christian bigoted family.
I chose my chosen "family",
my gay friends.I wish I knew what to say, to help you.
{{{hugs}}}
All I can say in summary is;
be true to yourself;
or resign yourself to a shadow life denying yourself just to please others who may or may not understand.
Love that cannot accept the real you is not real love, no matter how much you desire it to be so.
 IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 2273
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted February 21, 2013 08:22 PM
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
In American ghetto talk, there is a common expression: "I don't sh1t where I eat." It means you don't engage in romantic and/or sexual relations with individuals where you earn your livelihood. So that female can go take a long hike off a short pier. Something like this: Ich Scheiße nicht wo ich essen. A couple years ago in America, we had a TV production called The Sopranos. One of the famous quotes about business and fornication was: "You don't sh1t where you eat. And you especially don't sh1t where I eat." The context of that remark was that the main mafia character declined to have sexual relations with a female mafia business partner. No woman - except my wife - and even then - will stand in the way of my livelihood and how I make my money. That's my advice from the professional angle. You are still young at 30, so focus on what matters in your life.
 IP: Logged |
Faith
Knowflake Posts: 3780
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted February 21, 2013 08:59 PM
I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation.What approach seems best to you at this point? Maybe just tell one family member, the one you think will be most accepting, and see how that goes? IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 4817
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted February 21, 2013 09:58 PM
The way you described your Lutheran family, the possibility of any family member outright accepting and embracing is practically zero. The reason why I say is that I know what it is to be around devout Christians. I'm not devout but in nevertheless a Christian. Every true blooded Christian, to some extent, will thump the Book at you, and Scripture is not flattering about the lifestyle. Either you accept that your family will be pi$$ed and cry a stream of crap, or accept that and not give a flying f about the family. A nuanced compromise is highly unlikely. I'm just telling it like it is. Telling one Christian is the same as telling all Christians. You'll have every Lutheran pastor in a 100 mile radius visiting you, telling how terrible you are and thumping the Bible at you. That I can absolutely guarantee. Don't open that closet door unless you are mentally ready for the barrage. I speak as a Christian. I speak my mind. I'm no hypocrite. I myself would have an overwhelming issue with my son if he were gay, and I'm not even half the extent of my far more devout wife. It's been one of the prime observation points since he turned 12. Anyway, my summary is: tell everyone and don't give a sh1t about the fallout. Or tell no one and let nobody give a sh1t about how you run your life because it's none of their business since you are a grown adult. IP: Logged |
Faith
Knowflake Posts: 3780
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
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posted February 21, 2013 10:06 PM
Ian, things are different in Germany, it's actually not that common to have a VERY religious family over there.My understanding is that most Germans are open-minded about homosexuality. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 4817
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted February 21, 2013 10:09 PM
Faith,He's a Lutheran. There's no "Bud Light" version of that. That's hardcore. Makes the Baptists look like Diet Beer. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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