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Author Topic:   i said goodbye to her
leo_on_fire
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: Powder Springs, TN, US
Registered: Nov 2012

posted February 23, 2013 11:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for leo_on_fire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hello- I recently rejoined lindaland after a long time and only had posted once since my return. Tonight I post because the quiet is too much for me. A month and a week ago my husband and I woke to discover our 10 year old daughter had passed away in her sleep. She is a ventilator dependent quadraplegic and as the doctor told us that day "sometimes these things happen." Well that is unacceptable to me. I can not even begin to understand why this happened. At this point all I can think of is how badly I miss her. I feel like part of me has died with her. A huge part that I can't function without. The people around me tell me such nice things like she is in a better place and god has a plan but quite frankly I don't care about any plan I just want my kid back. She haunts me in a way that makes it hard to breathe-its as tho she is just out of reach and something is cruelly keeping us separted. I don't care how you flip the coin there is nothing ok about this situation. How can we be given the gift of loving a child and being loved by that child in return if that child is going to be taken away and our heart is going to be left broken forever? It feels like there is no joy left in the world since she left us. I'm trying so hard to keep going but the world feels cold and cruel now and everything reminds me of her and that she is gone and I can't hold her anymore. I just want to hold her and hear her voice. I am lost without her to guide me. I have heard people say they are guided by their loved ones and they feel them but I don't feel her. I feel cold where there was once warmth and I feel a hole that was once filled by her. I feel waves of grief crashing on me as I try to come to terms with this but accepting that she is truly gone- well I don't know if I can...the pain is too much to bear. I will keep going physically because I have to but mentally and emotionally I think I'm gone too- trying to find her where ever she may be <3

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teasel
Knowflake

Posts: 5144
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 23, 2013 11:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

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mockingbird
Knowflake

Posts: 1194
From:
Registered: Dec 2011

posted February 23, 2013 11:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mockingbird     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm sorry for your loss, leo.

There's nothing I can say to make it better.

------------------
If I've included this sig, it's because I'm posting from a mobile device.
Please excuse all outrageous typos and confusing auto-corrects.

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Lexxigramer
Moderator

Posts: 1584
From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Feb 2012

posted February 23, 2013 11:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Can you share things about her with us?
I do not know what else to say.

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 8408
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 23, 2013 11:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
*okay then - edit. n/m

I will simply say I am sorry for your loss, instead.

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leo_on_fire
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: Powder Springs, TN, US
Registered: Nov 2012

posted February 23, 2013 11:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for leo_on_fire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Her name is Makayla and she was 3 hours and 59 minutes past being a Valentine's baby. She is the bravest girl in the world. Never did she let her physical issues hold her back or get her down. She told me a million times "I don't see what the big deal is- there is nothing wrong with me" and she is exactly right. Her smile changed the world everyday. She wanted to be a librarian when she grew up. I spent hours watching her thinking she knew something I didn't and I still believe that. She believed in the power of rainbows and butterflies and in a sense they were like her shield- if something was not the way she thought it should be she would cover it in rainbows and butterflies. She has a way of making me feel 2 inches tall and 10 feet tall at the same time. She has been my shadow for as long as I can remember. Her heart is as big and as vast as the universe and she makes u see the best in yourself because that's what she sees. She knew the effect her smile had and used it to her advantage- to say we spoiled her is an understatement but I wouldn't change it. She webt through more in her short life than most and she handled it with grace. Extended hospital stays were dealt with by filling her hospital room with balloons and games. She loved telling her doctors what they needed to do and her sense of humor is incredible. Her smiles are the best cure for anything. I love answering her endless questions and our conversations could go on forever- I would tell her there is no such thing as stupid questions so she asked everything. She has a better grasp on somethings than most adults I know. The greatest lesson she taught me was that love really does overcome anything.

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Haplesschild*
Knowflake

Posts: 744
From:
Registered: Nov 2012

posted February 24, 2013 03:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Haplesschild*     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My heart goes out to you and your husbund, this must be devastating and heart wrenching to endure =(. I hope you stay strong, have faith and just remember the good times with her. Remember her laugh, her smile and the feeling of her hugs, and keep that forever front place and center in your mind and heart. She may be gone physically, but she'll never be far away. She's with you everyday, and even when it gets hard and it get unbearable at times, just remember for 10 years she was loved, and you were loved and even if she's far away in some sense, she'll never be far from you...Not truly. Keep on truckin!

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YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake

Posts: 4901
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted February 24, 2013 08:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My heart goes out to you. I lost two daughters myself, so I've been there before. I'm also a father if two boys.

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juniperb
Moderator

Posts: 6103
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 24, 2013 08:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hello again leo_on_fire. I remember you and Mom, Loonyfish, very well.

Losing a child is the greatest loss a soul can suffer. Why we are tried by such a trial, I do not know. I know is is a loneliness indescribable and a pain seemingly with no end. I am so sorry for your loss.

I pray you and your husband can find peace in the wonderful memories and share her gifts with the world by speaking of her wonderous qualities. Thank you for sharing her here with us .

------------------
We need to listen to our own song, and share it with others, but not force it on them. Our songs are different. They should be in harmony with each other. ~ Mattie Stepanek

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leo_on_fire
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: Powder Springs, TN, US
Registered: Nov 2012

posted February 24, 2013 12:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for leo_on_fire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you everyone for your kind words~ T I had not a chance to think of a proper response to your noving reply- thank you for both of your replies- to the group: I have very few people to talk to about it but sometimes I just have to get the words out or I feel like they are poisoning me. One step at a time one day at a time- that's the best I can do and loving her in the greatest possible way so hopefully my love reaches her where ever she is- thanks all-

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 8408
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 24, 2013 10:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

I know what you mean. It will most likely be a lifelong healing process. She can feel your love for her still. I'm sure of it.

All the best.

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 8408
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 24, 2013 10:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"Prayers for the dead are on the same footing as gifts for the living. The angel goes in to the dead with a tray of light, bearing a cloth of light, and says, "This is a gift for you from your brother so-and-so." And he delights in it just as a living person rejoices in a gift."

al-Ghazzali

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SunChild
Moderator

Posts: 3647
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 25, 2013 12:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunChild     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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Lazyscarecrow
Knowflake

Posts: 1191
From: Silent Hill
Registered: Aug 2011

posted February 25, 2013 12:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lazyscarecrow     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
She sounded like a very beautiful person. Sorry for your loss, Leo. I want to send you my best wishes, as I'm not sure what to say myself, and I won't pretend that I know what you're going through, except it's trying.

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bridgetostars23
Knowflake

Posts: 468
From: virginia, usa
Registered: Dec 2012

posted February 25, 2013 03:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bridgetostars23     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Leo...
I cannot say that I know how that feels either. It sounds like you were a great mother and that your daughter loved life. I am sure too that she is still with you in some way.

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cathy
Knowflake

Posts: 245
From: canada
Registered: Jul 2009

posted February 25, 2013 03:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cathy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
leo on fire, I'm sorry you lost your daughter, I understand how you feel, when my son died I found it helpful to join a Spiritual Forum. It may help you too.

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Faith
Knowflake

Posts: 3888
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted February 25, 2013 04:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you for coming here and telling us about your amazing daughter. We know you are living through a nightmare~ but whatever helps you and your family feel even a little bit better, we all wish for you.

cathy, I didn't know you lost a son.

I don't know how anyone copes with losing a child, I have no idea how anyone moves on after that. If one of my children died, I can't imagine ever coming back together, even though I do believe in an afterlife, and believe I would be with them again.

Love & peace


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Hera
Knowflake

Posts: 5385
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010

posted February 25, 2013 05:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hera     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am so, so sorry for your loss..


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DepTaurus
Knowflake

Posts: 2150
From: canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 26, 2013 02:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DepTaurus     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is so sad...i hope your doing alright and i`ll be thinking of you.

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mirage29
Knowflake

Posts: 678
From: us
Registered: May 2012

posted February 26, 2013 08:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What an incredible Heart of Love you are! You birthed your little Valentine Makayla and as one family, you WERE The Love... Together!
She left you in the night, but she was not alone... and you are most-lovingly never ever alone now,... though it be, a life, without "Her"...
Wishing you the most incredible Wishes your heart will ever or could ever Hold... Be born anew as a couple.... You are ever truly truly loved with a Love that Won't stop.
Be there -- for each other, for the sake of the Love you felt and have for that daughter. She was birthed through you as Love born on the Outside... Now it's okay to Breathe that love and to bring it back into yourselves... and one day, it will come that you'll start finding Life begin to dawn again.

You Loved, and She was Birthed, and She Lived.
Now she died.
Receive BACK Her Spark, Her Sparkles of Love
It is for you... to bring it back inside you.
Circle of Life... circles and circles of
Beginnings that end, and then Begin again.
Always to be a part of 'you'.

I sooo deeply mourn the earthly loss with you

May you once more find that you be born again into a new Love once more.....

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leo_on_fire
Newflake

Posts: 6
From: Powder Springs, TN, US
Registered: Nov 2012

posted March 01, 2013 12:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for leo_on_fire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank everyone so much for their touching words- I may not say the right thing so i try to just encase everything in as few words as possible. I appreciate the words of love and solice each of you offer very much. We are looking at a new and unfamiliar path and quite frankly have no desire to go down it but travel it we must. Hopefully it will become brightly lit to ease our journey

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