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Author Topic:   Fear of Intimacy
Jessica2407
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posted July 05, 2013 06:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How to deal with it?

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Hera
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posted July 05, 2013 06:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hera     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Physical or emotional?

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Jessica2407
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posted July 05, 2013 06:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

It has to be emotional first for it to become something physical for me,so I would start with emotional.

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7thGuardian
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posted July 05, 2013 08:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 7thGuardian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, it's possible that you haven't found the right person to get in to that. If there's a fear in that direction - you need someone with whom you can feel open about everything, someone that makes you feel comfortable enough - to establish a deep level of trust. Beyond that point - it's all about being playful, your companion should know how to handle you in a playful, tender way - which implies "a lot of foreplay" - you have to get to a point where you feel safe around him, that everything is under control.

This is one fear that you can't conquer - by - just doing it... That's actually something that can make things worst. You can get aroused even while dealing with a certain level of oppression resulting from this fear - but that happens mostly on a mental level, simply put it - you'd have a hard time getting wet - which can make the intercourse painful - and that's something that can intensify your fear.

It's important that your partner knows about it and that he's understandable - something you can notice from his behaviour, from the way he handles you (goes without saying - i presume). Just know this: No two people are alike - each of us has its own needs and its own ways of doing things.

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Ami Anne
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posted July 05, 2013 08:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Jessica2407:

It has to be emotional first for it to become something physical for me,so I would start with emotional.



Yes, I think about this, too. Great question and topic, Jessica dear.

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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Jessica2407
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posted July 05, 2013 10:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by 7thGuardian:
Well, it's possible that you haven't found the right person to get in to that. If there's a fear in that direction - you need someone with whom you can feel open about everything, someone that makes you feel comfortable enough - to establish a deep level of trust. Beyond that point - it's all about being playful, your companion should know how to handle you in a playful, tender way - which implies "a lot of foreplay" - you have to get to a point where you feel safe around him, that everything is under control.

This is one fear that you can't conquer - by - just doing it... That's actually something that can make things worst. You can get aroused even while dealing with a certain level of oppression resulting from this fear - but that happens mostly on a mental level, simply put it - you'd have a hard time getting wet - which can make the intercourse painful - and that's something that can intensify your fear.

It's important that your partner knows about it and that he's understandable - something you can notice from his behaviour, from the way he handles you (goes without saying - i presume). Just know this: No two people are alike - each of us has its own needs and its own ways of doing things.


no,am not talking about sexual intimacy.

what if the person is the right person and you suddenly realized that you've been duping yourself all this time,that all those failed relationships you had before were ''convenient pains'' that you hide behind for not being emotionally intimate.what if you realize that you are an emotional handicap?

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Doux Rêve
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posted July 05, 2013 10:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Doux Rêve     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is me.

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with emotional intimacy, Jessica.

It's a trust issue, I think.

So finding someone who'll take the time to make you feel comfortable enough to open up, is a must.

I don't think you can work through this alone.

You have to have someone else to trigger, and hopefully heal that part of you.

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Swift Freeze
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posted July 05, 2013 10:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Swift Freeze     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Jessica2407:
How to deal with it?


There is no set way to deal with it.

I guess it depends on the root of why you feel you're afraid of emotional intimacy.

It can come from many sources;

Lack of or incorrect emotional nourishment as a child. Since children depend vitally on emotional well being, when it is deemed as withheld as a child, this can cause a deep rooted fear of emotional intimacy when forming other relationships due to non-positive feelings of the parent child emotional intimacy.

Feeling let down or hurt in a previous relationship. Some people have a more difficult time in dealing with the ending of relationships. If a past lover hurt you emotionally, or you did not manage to come to terms with the end of a previous relationship, this can cause a fear of emotional intimacy because you are protecting yourself from going through something like that again.

Perhaps someone close, a friend or family member died, or went through something traumatic, and this was not fully healed. Again a fear of emotional intimacy could have developed as a method to protect yourself from being hurt like that again.

Fear of intimacy can also stem from low self esteem, or a low opinion of self worth. You may not think you are worthy of or even deserve a close emotional relationship, and so you do not want to risk having what you fear, that someone doesn't think you are worthy enough, confirmed. Please note, that this is only one person out of billions. Please also remember that all of those successful actors/actresses, singers, and celebrities suffer from a fear of emotional intimacy as well. They may be heavily pre-occupied with whether or not someone is interested in them purely for their fame or money, and not feel like as a person they are not worthy. I don't know why most celebrities do not have long lasting relationships. I do not care to offer much speculation at this particular juncture either.

A fear of emotional intimacy can prevent the successful development of healthy personal relationships. In extreme cases, it can be characterised by the person pushing other people away for fear of them becoming too close emotionally.

The good news? The vast majority of adults have some form of emotional intimacy issues. It is highly uncommon for someone not to have any fears about emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy carries what the majority of people see as risk. It brings two people to have some degree of dependency on each other and an investment in one another. To admit this need, opens us up to loss and hurt, which makes us feel vulnerable.

Dependence, is something in our society which is generally perceived as a negative thing. Men in particular absorb from a young age, that to be dependent is to be weak. When in actuality, having some degree of dependency makes you stronger. It is no surprise that in team sports, the teams with better teamwork, whom depend on each other to fulfill their roles, will beat teams where individuals do not depend on each other.

Generally, if you haven't had a serious relationship by the time you reach adult hood, 23-30. Then you may have a fear of emotional intimacy. Pushing people away, is a method of coping with rejection and potential hurt.

Is this something that is easily solved? No
Is this something that will go away over night? No

Is this something that can be dealt with? Yes
Is this something that can be overcome? Yes

If you feel and decide to tackle your issues with emotional intimacy, it is absolutely possible to over come them, and develop a healthy fulfilling personal relationship. It is not easy to do, and it will take time.

The first step to dealing with emotional intimacy, is for the person to be willing to seek help. If you're in a relationship with someone, chances are you won't be able to get them to seek help if they are not willing, and it can be even harder since they are actively pushing themselves away from the relationship too.

Most times people do not realise they have this problem, or are not ready to take the steps to solving it.

Dealing with your fear of emotional intimacy, will not be pleasant. You will be soul searching, asking difficult questions. Even delving back into your past and through painful events and memories. And to a lot of people the task can seem huge and insurmountable, not knowing where to begin.

Understanding why and where the issues come from, is crucial in the healing process.
It is important for people with fears of emotional intimacy to understand, see, and believe in their own self worth, and learn to express their feelings, and needing other people.

I have had, and continue to have issues with emotional intimacy. I'm in a much better place now, than I was 5 months ago, even 5 years ago. It would be naive of me to say I have dealt with it, because I haven't. I do not emotionally trust my parents, or even the vast majority of my family. I have a difficult time trusting friends and people in general, and I struggle with my own value of self worth.

Probably the hardest thing, is that a fear of emotional intimacy is, frustratingly enough, best dealt with by the help of another person. Perfect.

The important thing to remember, is that this is something you can deal with.

- Chris

------------------
Learn lots. Don't judge. Laugh for no reason. Be nice. Seek Happiness. Follow your dreams.

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Swift Freeze
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posted July 05, 2013 10:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Swift Freeze     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Jessica2407:
what if you realize that you are an emotional handicap?

This is self perpetuating, and will only lead you to hold back and push yourself further away from emotional intimacy. If you think that emotionally you are not good enough for a relationship. A relationship is an emotional connection between two people.

It may sound empty coming from me, but you are not an emotional handicap Jessica. Everyone has emotional baggage. This does not make you any different and definitely not worth less, or worse than anyone else.

-Chris


------------------
Learn lots. Don't judge. Laugh for no reason. Be nice. Seek Happiness. Follow your dreams.

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Jessica2407
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From: Saturn
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posted July 05, 2013 11:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@Swift freeze

Thank you for your post.

I think it comes from all the sources you mentioned.

My grandfather died and since then it makes everything more complicated and painful.He was the only person I could count on the family front.The only person I knew really cared about me.It pains me a lot to type this down.

I feel there are ''something'' or is it ''someone''? that is closely watching me,make sure that when I am happy and that everything is turning out fine,they will have to interfere so that I end up being unhappy and I realized that some part of me is happy that I am unhappy,(confusing eh?) because I wouldn't have to change my lifestyle, I wouldn't have to come out of the ''comfort shell'' that my state of unhappiness has slowly become.I like to tell myself that happiness is a state of mind,what if I'm happy to be unhappy??? what then?

I'm glad that you've been able to at least manage these issues swift freeze. I have the same trust issues, I just can't trust people,not my friends,no one for that matter. I only trust myself.

@Doux

I know,we have things in common.

I think it's something that stems from our childhood that grows with us and the older we get more difficult it becomes to ''heal''

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Jessica2407
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posted July 05, 2013 11:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Swift Freeze:
This is self perpetuating, and will only lead you to hold back and push yourself further away from emotional intimacy. If you think that emotionally you are not good enough for a relationship. A relationship is an emotional connection between two people.

It may sound empty coming from me, but you are not an emotional handicap Jessica. Everyone has emotional baggage. This does not make you any different and definitely not worth less, or worse than anyone else.

-Chris


Yeah I think like that,freaking sucks when I KNOW am being defeatist and THEN it so happens that the person in question gives me a ''valid reason'' (that my mind is 100% convinced is valid) not to trust him.

I can't even trust my judgement on what is a valid reason or not anymore.

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7thGuardian
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posted July 05, 2013 11:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 7thGuardian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sorry, that i misunderstood you Jessica2407.

Swift Freeze - are you a psychologist/therapist? ^^ You put it really well - a detailed response and quite professional, i might add.

This reminds me of the "abandoned child syndrome" - it fits some of what you described above.

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Doux Rêve
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posted July 05, 2013 11:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Doux Rêve     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Only you can truly help yourself, Jessica.
That's the hard truth.

I don't count on anyone to help me on my journey (not in a significant way, at least), except for God and my own will.

I know I have to face my demons by myself and no one can do it for me.

But having at least *one* friend whom you trust completely definitely helps.

I thank my lucky stars for my Taurus best friend, don't know where I'd be without her.

It all goes back to us feeling like life is complicated, when it's not.

We don't have to take things so seriously.
There's a need for demystification, I think.

There's no way around it, and overthinking won't help.

Just.. realize that life doesn't have to be about complications and heart ache.
You can always choose to react positively, even if it doesn't come naturally to you.
Force yourself. Go against yourself but do not drown in negativity. Please.

((( Jessica )))

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Jessica2407
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posted July 05, 2013 12:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
yeah I know Doux.

Negativity can be consuming.

It's just that have been reflecting on things a lot lately.

I checked my progressions. Natal chiron conjuncts pr SN,and pr chiron,pr lilith,sextile pr AC.pr chiron conjuncts natal lilith. do you think it explains things a bit?

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Hera
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posted July 05, 2013 12:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hera     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by 7thGuardian:

Swift Freeze - are you a psychologist/therapist? ^^ You put it really well - a detailed response and quite professional, i might add.


I was thinking the same thing.

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Jessica2407
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posted July 05, 2013 12:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@7th

That's okay dear!

And I think Swift Freeze is a psychoanalyst /therapist too,he explained it so well. I told him he puts so much of himself in what he types,he doesn't believe me

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Hera
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posted July 05, 2013 12:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hera     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I can relate to this a lot. Child sexual abuse is my excuse. I'm in therapy, have been for 2 years now. It's a process and it's not easy. I am not completely there yet myself. Right now I am not dealing with it. I just put the whole dating thing out of my mind, I cannot deal with it right now. I don't want any sort of intimacy with anyone at this point and that's okay. It probably won't last forever. I am just tired of messing it up and investing in the wrong people and the wrong relationships. I will make it right after I *fix* what I think needs fixing.

Personally, I think therapy helps a lot. If you have access to a good therapist, I would advise that you at least give it a try. This is not something that you can deal with on your own, in my opinion. Sometimes the root cause is hidden and you need someone to help you dig it up and face it. I wasn't even aware of the abuse when I started therapy. I knew I needed help but could not pinpoint *why*. I am not saying this is your case, it's just an example.

Hugs and good luck with it!

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aquaguy91
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posted July 05, 2013 03:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have come to realize that I have problems with intimacy too. I have problems with both types (emotional and physical)but especially physical intimacy.I cant understand why I have this problem because my family has an open and normal view of sex . Heck my dad even encouraged me when I was a teenager so I dont know what my problem is. Its not a fear or anything its just like something wont let relax and let go, maybe it has something to do with being a double aquarius.

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Jessica2407
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posted July 06, 2013 02:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by aquaguy91:
I have come to realize that I have problems with intimacy too. I have problems with both types (emotional and physical)but especially physical intimacy.I cant understand why I have this problem because my family has an open and normal view of sex . Heck my dad even encouraged me when I was a teenager so I dont know what my problem is. Its not a fear or anything its just like something wont let relax and let go, maybe it has something to do with being a double aquarius.

because you unconsciously consider emotional closeness a must to be able to relax and let go.

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aquaguy91
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posted July 06, 2013 02:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Jessica2407:
because you unconsciously consider emotional closeness a must to be able to relax and let go.

Well I sabotage emotional closeness too.

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hannaramaa
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posted July 06, 2013 03:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for hannaramaa     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by aquaguy91:
I have come to realize that I have problems with intimacy too. I have problems with both types (emotional and physical)but especially physical intimacy.I cant understand why I have this problem because my family has an open and normal view of sex . Heck my dad even encouraged me when I was a teenager so I dont know what my problem is. Its not a fear or anything its just like something wont let relax and let go, maybe it has something to do with being a double aquarius.

You might do that as a subconscious way of rebelling against your father, or society in general. There's a lot of pressure on men to want sex, and if they don't they are considered emasculated. Like there aren't millions of other (positive) adjectives that could replace sexual desire in describing what it means to be "male."

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Ami Anne
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posted July 06, 2013 07:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think that it comes down to we think we are bad and we don't want anyone to see us. I feel that way. I have just started admitting it to myself. I did not SEE it until recently. I felt the shame but did not know what it was. It was always there and so was just like breathing. Now, I am seeing it for what it is more.

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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Jessica2407
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posted July 06, 2013 09:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jessica2407     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I think that it comes down to we think we are bad and we don't want anyone to see us.


Because they wouldn't like the real us..

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Ami Anne
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posted July 06, 2013 09:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Jessica2407:
Because they wouldn't like the real us..

Yes!

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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aquaguy91
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posted July 06, 2013 09:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by hannaramaa:
You might do that as a subconscious way of rebelling against your father, or society in general. There's a lot of pressure on men to want sex, and if they don't they are considered emasculated. Like there aren't millions of other (positive) adjectives that could replace sexual desire in describing what it means to be "male."

Haha well I do like rebelling against people. But I don't think that's the reason I have issues with intimacy and sex. I just feel really conflicted when it comes to intimacy. Part of me desires intimacy but the other part is repulsed by it. IDK.....

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