Author
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Topic: Don't flame me because I have no damn clue what just happened!!
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charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 12:11 PM
Short story: I'm newly engaged. We've had quite a few "struggles" lately due to him getting cold feet, twice-I forgave him both times, and some other more personal things but we have gotten through it and are on same page except for the small fact that my dear Venus sq (and trine) Uranus has started to itch and I'm standing with one leg in the infamous panic and run zone. 3 days ago I met someone I used to know about 20 years ago. He dated a friend of mine and we were a group of 5 that always hung out. Absolutely NOTHING happened between us because I was 16 and he 29, then I left country, he broke up with friend and left country and by a coincidence we met a few days ago. It was as if lightning struck us both. Super confusing, annoying, fascinating and there was a sense of comfortable familiarity that I really liked. My friend has said his piece without crossing any boundaries. Conclusion: shouldn't I be 1000% devoted to my fiancée??? Is this normal or should I have an honest talk with myself? IP: Logged |
asclibrasagsun Knowflake Posts: 1978 From: Mälmo, Sweden Registered: Aug 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 12:32 PM
I think that if you have even a little bit of doubt, you should reconsider your partnership with the fiance. Do you really need this relationship? Are you able to freely give yourself to him or are there regrets? I think there is nothing wrong with you reevaluating it on a moral standpoint. It is always best to be honest with yourself and I actually believe that it is better to make the decision sooner rather than later. What if you end up marrying the fiance and then you realize you want to have an extramarital affair with the other guy because you are in love with him? I think it is better to take some time off and reconsider it all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it may save you a lifetime of regret. I speak from experience because I had a guy that was very much in love with me and wanted to marry me but I rejected him because I was in love with someone else. Even though I am not with the special gentleman, I feel much better about the fact that I let go of a person that I was not attracted to really. I did not succumb to my feeling of loneliness just to be with someone for the sake of having someone around because I know in my heart that I want a different man. IP: Logged |
charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 12:42 PM
quote: Originally posted by asclibrasagsun: I think that if you have even a little bit of doubt, you should reconsider your partnership with the fiance. Do you really need this relationship? Are you able to freely give yourself to him or are there regrets? I think there is nothing wrong with you reevaluating it on a moral standpoint. It is always best to be honest with yourself and I actually believe that it is better to make the decision sooner rather than later. What if you end up marrying the fiance and then you realize you want to have an extramarital affair with the other guy because you are in love with him? I think it is better to take some time off and reconsider it all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it may save you a lifetime of regret. I speak from experience because I had a guy that was very much in love with me and wanted to marry me but I rejected him because I was in love with someone else. Even though I am not with the special gentleman, I feel much better about the fact that I let go of a person that I was not attracted to really. I did not succumb to my feeling of loneliness just to be with someone for the sake of having someone around because I know in my heart that I want a different man.
I understand your point of view fully! But....and this is not to put blame on anyone but the second time he got cold feet I felt myself just shutting down mentally, which I told him upon which he did a u-turn and started behaving as if he was 1 second away from losing me. It has proven very hard for me to go back from the point of having been pushed into a corner like that. I love him but he was the one doubting when I am an all in or all out woman. Now I just feel "meh" about it. Basically I feel as if he killed me. But maybe couples are supposed to get over these things too...
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asclibrasagsun Knowflake Posts: 1978 From: Mälmo, Sweden Registered: Aug 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 12:58 PM
Oh no, I think that is a deal breaker. For some reason, I am sensing that you will be unhappy with this fiance of yours in the long run...he seems oppressive. Think about whether or not it is really worth it. I, honestly, would leave...if I felt uncomfortable that is. If I really loved him I would try to stay and fix it. Although I'm kind of in an interesting situation myself at the moment so i really don't know what to think anymore looking at the men I've dealt with. No man should ever doubt you though and if you felt that he destroyed you from the inside with his actions then your feelings for him will definitely begin to wane if not right away then very soon.IP: Logged |
charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 01:01 PM
quote: Originally posted by asclibrasagsun: Oh no, I think that is a deal breaker. For some reason, I am sensing that you will be unhappy with this fiance of yours in the long run...he seems oppressive. Think about whether or not it is really worth it. I, honestly, would leave...if I felt uncomfortable that is. If I really loved him I would try to stay and fix it. Although I'm kind of in an interesting situation myself at the moment so i really don't know what to think anymore looking at the men I've dealt with. No man should ever doubt you though and if you felt that he destroyed you from the inside with his actions then your feelings for him will definitely begin to wane if not right away then very soon.
Hmm.....you know what?! He IS oppressive!! IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 5516 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted July 23, 2013 01:02 PM
A man who truly loves you will not have cold feet, let alone twice.That's my conclusion. Harsh, but that's what I think. IP: Logged |
charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 01:09 PM
quote: Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways: A man who truly loves you will not have cold feet, let alone twice.That's my conclusion. Harsh, but that's what I think.
I like honesty. Harsh is perfect! So in your opinion, there are no "excuses" that could justify this behavior? Personal illness? Economical? Etc IP: Logged |
asclibrasagsun Knowflake Posts: 1978 From: Mälmo, Sweden Registered: Aug 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 01:12 PM
No excuses should justify him being oppressive. A love partner should be the thing an individual cherishes the most and they should leave their bad behavior at the door when they are in a relationship.IP: Logged |
charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 01:16 PM
Thank you! Much food for thought..IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 5516 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted July 23, 2013 01:18 PM
quote: Originally posted by charlie: I like honesty. Harsh is perfect! So in your opinion, there are no "excuses" that could justify this behavior? Personal illness? Economical? Etc
My opinion as a man is that it is incumbent on the man to express his feelings to his woman. Notwithstanding machoness and all that, men who cannot communicate are enigma. When a man finds a woman who is supposed to be his partner and lover for the rest of his life, he opens up himself to her in every single way. To the extent that he got "cold feet"... twice... he should have at a minimum communicated the issues he was having. Instead, he left you in the dark to wallow in sorrow. Now, you are supposed to reconcile your feelings, or lack thereof, with a guy who remains a mystrey? True, Mr. New Potential Lover Boy may not be the end all and be all in terms of a solution. The last thing you want to do is complicate your life further at this juncture. If Mr. New is for real and worthy, he would be patient and understanding, and he would already know that your emotions are with him. Otherwise, he is just another insecure guy. Now, back to your fiance. You have issues to resolve. IP: Logged |
charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 01:26 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways: My opinion as a man is that it is incumbent on the man to express his feelings to his woman. Notwithstanding machoness and all that, men who cannot communicate are enigma. When a man finds a woman who is supposed to be his partner and lover for the rest of his life, he opens up himself to her in every single way. To the extent that he got "cold feet"... twice... he should have at a minimum communicated the issues he was having. Instead, he left you in the dark to wallow in sorrow. Now, you are supposed to reconcile your feelings, or lack thereof, with a guy who remains a mystrey? True, Mr. New Potential Lover Boy may not be the end all and be all in terms of a solution. The last thing you want to do is complicate your life further at this juncture. If Mr. New is for real and worthy, he would be patient and understanding, and he would already know that your emotions are with him. Otherwise, he is just another insecure guy. Now, back to your fiance. You have issues to resolve.[/QUOTE Thank you! Indeed, he left me completely in the dark wondering what the hell was going on and he procrastinated to the end by not saying anything worth of anything. And I worried to death because I could feel something was up. I had to psychoanalyze him and then drag it out of him. It was exhausting like nothing else. I have no intentions starting anything new but I merely used it as a springboard trying to figure out why it took hold of my head when it shouldn't have.
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YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 5516 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted July 23, 2013 01:30 PM
I think a frank sit-down talk is in order, as uncomfortable as it is for your fiance. The time for that is now. Not when the deal is done. When the pie is baked, it is too late to complain about the ingredients in the dough. IP: Logged |
charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 23, 2013 01:31 PM
quote: Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways: I think a frank sit-down talk is in order, as uncomfortable as it is for your fiance. The time for that is now. Not when the deal is done. When the pie is baked, it is too late to complain about the ingredients in the dough.
I know. IP: Logged |
Odette Knowflake Posts: 2227 From: Registered: May 2012
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posted July 24, 2013 02:31 AM
Charie - What makes you think this will work as a marriage? You've said a lot about the negative parts. Is there anything positive between you and your fiancee at all? Would you say that you love him or that you feel loved?If you don't feel good about this whole thing - then end it, however difficult it is. It's just the best thing to do. I agree with YTA & AscLibra!
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charlie Knowflake Posts: 876 From: los angeles, ca, USA Registered: Jun 2012
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posted July 24, 2013 11:34 AM
quote: Originally posted by Odette: Charie - What makes you think this will work as a marriage? You've said a lot about the negative parts. Is there anything positive between you and your fiancee at all? Would you say that you love him or that you feel loved?If you don't feel good about this whole thing - then end it, however difficult it is. It's just the best thing to do. I agree with YTA & AscLibra!
There are many great things about him and us!! He's funny, kind, very intelligent and he makes me feel safe but it was just that cold feet part, twice, that really set me back.. IP: Logged |