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Author Topic:   Don't flame me because I have no damn clue what just happened!!
charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 12:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Short story: I'm newly engaged. We've had quite a few "struggles" lately due to him getting cold feet, twice-I forgave him both times, and some other more personal things but we have gotten through it and are on same page except for the small fact that my dear Venus sq (and trine) Uranus has started to itch and I'm standing with one leg in the infamous panic and run zone.

3 days ago I met someone I used to know about 20 years ago. He dated a friend of mine and we were a group of 5 that always hung out. Absolutely NOTHING happened between us because I was 16 and he 29, then I left country, he broke up with friend and left country and by a coincidence we met a few days ago. It was as if lightning struck us both. Super confusing, annoying, fascinating and there was a sense of comfortable familiarity that I really liked. My friend has said his piece without crossing any boundaries.

Conclusion: shouldn't I be 1000% devoted to my fiancée??? Is this normal or should I have an honest talk with myself?

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asclibrasagsun
Knowflake

Posts: 1978
From: Mälmo, Sweden
Registered: Aug 2012

posted July 23, 2013 12:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for asclibrasagsun     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think that if you have even a little bit of doubt, you should reconsider your partnership with the fiance. Do you really need this relationship? Are you able to freely give yourself to him or are there regrets? I think there is nothing wrong with you reevaluating it on a moral standpoint. It is always best to be honest with yourself and I actually believe that it is better to make the decision sooner rather than later. What if you end up marrying the fiance and then you realize you want to have an extramarital affair with the other guy because you are in love with him? I think it is better to take some time off and reconsider it all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it may save you a lifetime of regret.

I speak from experience because I had a guy that was very much in love with me and wanted to marry me but I rejected him because I was in love with someone else. Even though I am not with the special gentleman, I feel much better about the fact that I let go of a person that I was not attracted to really. I did not succumb to my feeling of loneliness just to be with someone for the sake of having someone around because I know in my heart that I want a different man.

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 12:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by asclibrasagsun:
I think that if you have even a little bit of doubt, you should reconsider your partnership with the fiance. Do you really need this relationship? Are you able to freely give yourself to him or are there regrets? I think there is nothing wrong with you reevaluating it on a moral standpoint. It is always best to be honest with yourself and I actually believe that it is better to make the decision sooner rather than later. What if you end up marrying the fiance and then you realize you want to have an extramarital affair with the other guy because you are in love with him? I think it is better to take some time off and reconsider it all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it may save you a lifetime of regret.

I speak from experience because I had a guy that was very much in love with me and wanted to marry me but I rejected him because I was in love with someone else. Even though I am not with the special gentleman, I feel much better about the fact that I let go of a person that I was not attracted to really. I did not succumb to my feeling of loneliness just to be with someone for the sake of having someone around because I know in my heart that I want a different man.


I understand your point of view fully! But....and this is not to put blame on anyone but the second time he got cold feet I felt myself just shutting down mentally, which I told him upon which he did a u-turn and started behaving as if he was 1 second away from losing me. It has proven very hard for me to go back from the point of having been pushed into a corner like that. I love him but he was the one doubting when I am an all in or all out woman. Now I just feel "meh" about it.
Basically I feel as if he killed me.
But maybe couples are supposed to get over these things too...

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asclibrasagsun
Knowflake

Posts: 1978
From: Mälmo, Sweden
Registered: Aug 2012

posted July 23, 2013 12:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for asclibrasagsun     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh no, I think that is a deal breaker. For some reason, I am sensing that you will be unhappy with this fiance of yours in the long run...he seems oppressive. Think about whether or not it is really worth it. I, honestly, would leave...if I felt uncomfortable that is. If I really loved him I would try to stay and fix it. Although I'm kind of in an interesting situation myself at the moment so i really don't know what to think anymore looking at the men I've dealt with.
No man should ever doubt you though and if you felt that he destroyed you from the inside with his actions then your feelings for him will definitely begin to wane if not right away then very soon.

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 01:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by asclibrasagsun:
Oh no, I think that is a deal breaker. For some reason, I am sensing that you will be unhappy with this fiance of yours in the long run...he seems oppressive. Think about whether or not it is really worth it. I, honestly, would leave...if I felt uncomfortable that is. If I really loved him I would try to stay and fix it. Although I'm kind of in an interesting situation myself at the moment so i really don't know what to think anymore looking at the men I've dealt with.
No man should ever doubt you though and if you felt that he destroyed you from the inside with his actions then your feelings for him will definitely begin to wane if not right away then very soon.

Hmm.....you know what?! He IS oppressive!!

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YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake

Posts: 5516
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted July 23, 2013 01:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A man who truly loves you will not have cold feet, let alone twice.

That's my conclusion. Harsh, but that's what I think.

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 01:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
A man who truly loves you will not have cold feet, let alone twice.

That's my conclusion. Harsh, but that's what I think.


I like honesty. Harsh is perfect!

So in your opinion, there are no "excuses" that could justify this behavior? Personal illness? Economical? Etc

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asclibrasagsun
Knowflake

Posts: 1978
From: Mälmo, Sweden
Registered: Aug 2012

posted July 23, 2013 01:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for asclibrasagsun     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No excuses should justify him being oppressive. A love partner should be the thing an individual cherishes the most and they should leave their bad behavior at the door when they are in a relationship.

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 01:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you! Much food for thought..

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YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake

Posts: 5516
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted July 23, 2013 01:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by charlie:
I like honesty. Harsh is perfect!

So in your opinion, there are no "excuses" that could justify this behavior? Personal illness? Economical? Etc


My opinion as a man is that it is incumbent on the man to express his feelings to his woman. Notwithstanding machoness and all that, men who cannot communicate are enigma.

When a man finds a woman who is supposed to be his partner and lover for the rest of his life, he opens up himself to her in every single way. To the extent that he got "cold feet"... twice... he should have at a minimum communicated the issues he was having. Instead, he left you in the dark to wallow in sorrow.

Now, you are supposed to reconcile your feelings, or lack thereof, with a guy who remains a mystrey?

True, Mr. New Potential Lover Boy may not be the end all and be all in terms of a solution. The last thing you want to do is complicate your life further at this juncture. If Mr. New is for real and worthy, he would be patient and understanding, and he would already know that your emotions are with him. Otherwise, he is just another insecure guy.

Now, back to your fiance. You have issues to resolve.

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 01:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
[QUOTE]Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
My opinion as a man is that it is incumbent on the man to express his feelings to his woman. Notwithstanding machoness and all that, men who cannot communicate are enigma.

When a man finds a woman who is supposed to be his partner and lover for the rest of his life, he opens up himself to her in every single way. To the extent that he got "cold feet"... twice... he should have at a minimum communicated the issues he was having. Instead, he left you in the dark to wallow in sorrow.

Now, you are supposed to reconcile your feelings, or lack thereof, with a guy who remains a mystrey?

True, Mr. New Potential Lover Boy may not be the end all and be all in terms of a solution. The last thing you want to do is complicate your life further at this juncture. If Mr. New is for real and worthy, he would be patient and understanding, and he would already know that your emotions are with him. Otherwise, he is just another insecure guy.

Now, back to your fiance. You have issues to resolve.[/QUOTE

Thank you! Indeed, he left me completely in the dark wondering what the hell was going on and he procrastinated to the end by not saying anything worth of anything. And I worried to death because I could feel something was up. I had to psychoanalyze him and then drag it out of him. It was exhausting like nothing else.

I have no intentions starting anything new but I merely used it as a springboard trying to figure out why it took hold of my head when it shouldn't have.

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YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake

Posts: 5516
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted July 23, 2013 01:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think a frank sit-down talk is in order, as uncomfortable as it is for your fiance.

The time for that is now. Not when the deal is done. When the pie is baked, it is too late to complain about the ingredients in the dough.

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 23, 2013 01:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
I think a frank sit-down talk is in order, as uncomfortable as it is for your fiance.

The time for that is now. Not when the deal is done. When the pie is baked, it is too late to complain about the ingredients in the dough.


I know.

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Odette
Knowflake

Posts: 2227
From:
Registered: May 2012

posted July 24, 2013 02:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Charie - What makes you think this will work as a marriage?
You've said a lot about the negative parts. Is there anything positive between you and your fiancee at all? Would you say that you love him or that you feel loved?

If you don't feel good about this whole thing - then end it, however difficult it is. It's just the best thing to do.
I agree with YTA & AscLibra!

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charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 876
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012

posted July 24, 2013 11:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
Charie - What makes you think this will work as a marriage?
You've said a lot about the negative parts. Is there anything positive between you and your fiancee at all? Would you say that you love him or that you feel loved?

If you don't feel good about this whole thing - then end it, however difficult it is. It's just the best thing to do.
I agree with YTA & AscLibra!


There are many great things about him and us!! He's funny, kind, very intelligent and he makes me feel safe but it was just that cold feet part, twice, that really set me back..

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