posted August 21, 2013 10:43 PM            

It's something I am coping with pretty intensely right now as I prepare to cohabitate in the coming two months (for the second time in my life). The first time was an abysmal failure and the guy spent the entire year alternatively abusing and neglecting me.

It's inadvertently trained me to see romantic happiness as fleeting instead of permanent and I'm now terrified of commitment, marriage, and getting my hopes up too high lest you end up "sleeping with the enemy" or sharing a roof with them. After all, how much can you really know another person? How can you be sure that the person won't change drastically or betray your trust? Isn't marriage a bit like making "a deal with the devil" where you hedge your bets on your being psychic?

posted August 22, 2013 01:55 AM            

Now I find relationships to be a source of creative inspiration, the more I'm hung up on someone the better.
With out romantic interests my life seems so drab..

posted August 22, 2013 04:16 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
How do you cope with fear of failure in relationships? Specifically when you've had horrible romantic disappointments in the past?

It's something I am coping with pretty intensely right now as I prepare to cohabitate in the coming two months (for the second time in my life). The first time was an abysmal failure and the guy spent the entire year alternatively abusing and neglecting me.

It's inadvertently trained me to see romantic happiness as fleeting instead of permanent and I'm now terrified of commitment, marriage, and getting my hopes up too high lest you end up "sleeping with the enemy" or sharing a roof with them. After all, how much can you really know another person? How can you be sure that the person won't change drastically or betray your trust? Isn't marriage a bit like making "a deal with the devil" where you hedge your bets on your being psychic?

Has anyone dealt with this kind of emotional baggage and how did you come to grips with it?

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It can't have been and still can't be easy to deal with what you've been through.

The scary thing is, you'll never know. Which is the thing that makes relationships at once both so exciting and enticing, and so frightening and hesitant.

Relationships are like all things, each one gives you experience, whether it is positive or negative, but that is experience you can take forward to the next one. For example maybe in this relationship you will be aware of abusive and neglectful behaviour before it gets too far and be able to better look after yourself and make choices and decisions earlier.

I look at it this way, no matter what i've been through thus far, in relationships, and life more generally. I'm still here, I can still try again.

It seems to me like you're ready to try again if you are going to be cohabiting.

I'm not really a good person to offer support, because i've truthfully given up on relationships, at least for now, for pretty much the same reasons you posted, excepting I have not been abused, just feeling neglected and used. Maybe those two things are just in my head and not actually happening in reality.

I guess maybe just remember, you will always have a way out if you need it.

posted August 22, 2013 04:28 AM            

I am having the same fears of commitment because I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again. However, those experiences can be seen as life lessons, and I will not make the same mistakes again. What really worries me is that we were together for 2 years before we ever had a major disagreement. I'm afraid that I'm going to majorly have my guard up with any man in the future, just waiting for the honeymoon to be over. That is not a healthy mindset to have, and it's not fair to the new guy to be punished for what the last guy did.

I keep reminding myself that I have to live in the present moment, not in the future or in the past. If I'm so worried about something going wrong in the future, I'm not enjoying the present moment. Also, worrying about the relationship going bad is likely to be a self fulfilling prophecy. All you can really do is hope for the best, and as problems arise(which they inevitably will)deal with them as they come. Most importantly, don't allow yourself to be treated badly....that is a deal breaker!!!

posted August 22, 2013 09:33 AM            

But sometimes it becomes paralysing and interferes with your health / life, and that's when you know things are getting problematic.

Most of the time, it's your own fears that make you sick - you're afraid of things going wrong, of the person hurting you, or of you hurting them.. all kinds of scenarios run through your mind and can even lead you to believe that you don't like that person anymore and want to leave.
It's a defense mechanism that gets triggered when you get close to someone, a self-protective technique that was designed to protect you from emotional / psychic harm.

Thing is, if you get really anxious whenever you get close to someone and feel like running away, you may never experience "love" and intimacy.
You may always find yourself in situations that prevent happiness and peace in relationships based on intimacy.

Other times, it's actually your intuition telling you that something is not right in the relationship and that you should be careful.
The difference can be hard to make, but a lot of people experience anxiety when they're in relationships that are not good for them.

You're the only one who can know what type of anxiety you're experiencing.. It may be *yours* based on your past hurts and traumas, or it could be an actual warning of what's to come.

If the person you're with treats you well and doesn't give you reason to be worried, you should try to relax and realise that most people experience some kind of anxiety in relationships, because we're all vulnerable and it's okay.

Try to see things from a bigger perspective - what's the worst thing that could happen?
Abuse? Infidelity? Separation? So?
You do have your brains with you, right?
You can make decisions based on what's going on. You can always get out, you can always leave. And guess what, you won't die from it. It may hurt like hell, for sure. But you'll be there. You'll survive, no matter what.
Knowing that you're strong, and that you can handle anything, will help you feel less anxious.

It's about finding that inner strength, that immovable part of you that never dies, no matter what.

What do you have to lose?

And conversely, think about the things you can gain!
Maybe you'll actually be happy.
Maybe you'll actually feel loved, and cared for.

Don't let your fears prevent you from experiencing something beautiful.

You are worth it!

posted August 22, 2013 03:34 PM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 22, 2013 03:44 PM            

Why Men Love ******* : From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship - by
Sherry Argov

posted August 22, 2013 05:44 PM            

I guess the issue is like what Doux Rêve said, "What do you have to lose?"

Nothing (materially), and everything (emotionally). I've had abuse (I was born into it), I've had separation. I have no desire to re-experience either one.

The matter has been weighing on my mind because for the first time in my life I'm in a healthy relationship that seems to be going somewhere. My boyfriend is a traditionalist and I could see him eventually wanting to marry. It's like everyone else said here basically, I don't want to be vulnerable, I am afraid to be co-dependent, and I am terrified of getting hurt or things eventually going wrong. I don't want to be just another statistic, and I don't want him to propose. I consider myself a romantic idealist but in reality I am more like aquaguy than I care to admit, I "expect the worst." I would never have children with any man largely because I don't have any pressing desire to (and the fact that I'm not exactly flush with cash happily makes this a non-issue for me at present) but also at least partly because I strongly believe that an intact home is the best thing for kids and I also believe that if you give a man a chance to, he will hurt you, cheat on you, take you for granted/force you to do everything for the family and ignore/neglect you, or else just develop substance abuse issues that make everyday living purgatory and I don't ever want to be forced to choose between my dignity (staying with an unfaithful husband) and the wellbeing of my child. It's a lose-lose proposition. I also have no desire to be a single mom.

In short, I have trust issues. And I don't know if there is any way to rectify them. I don't have any examples in my life of trustworthy men and functional marriages that did not end in divorce. I guess there's my aunt, she's happy now, but she's on husband #4.

posted August 22, 2013 05:58 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Bluejay:
I'm just coming out of a 14 year relationship, and I'm feeling the same anxiety about any future relationships. In my case, we were together for 5 years before we ever lived together. There were definitely aspects of his personality that I never witnessed prior to living together. He's a Cancer so his normal reaction to conflict and fights is to retreat, so before he used to just leave and sulk until he got over it. Once we lived together, he had no where to run and hide, so I saw sides of him that I hadn't before, and it wasn't pretty. One thing that I have had to come to terms with is that you teach people how to treat you. I had to own up to the fact that I had allowed myself to be treated badly because I wanted the relationship to work. When it was good, it was like heaven, but when it was bad it was hell. Unfortunately, he was not willing to go to couples counseling, or even do any type of self reflection, which would have been necessary to save the relationship.

I am having the same fears of commitment because I don't want to be hurt and disappointed again. However, those experiences can be seen as life lessons, and I will not make the same mistakes again. What really worries me is that we were together for 2 years before we ever had a major disagreement. I'm afraid that I'm going to majorly have my guard up with any man in the future, just waiting for the honeymoon to be over. That is not a healthy mindset to have, and it's not fair to the new guy to be punished for what the last guy did.

I keep reminding myself that I have to live in the present moment, not in the future or in the past. If I'm so worried about something going wrong in the future, I'm not enjoying the present moment. Also, worrying about the relationship going bad is likely to be a self fulfilling prophecy. All you can really do is hope for the best, and as problems arise(which they inevitably will)deal with them as they come. Most importantly, don't allow yourself to be treated badly....that is a deal breaker!!!

Good luck Aquacheeka!

---

Bluejay, I could relate to this a lot, particularly the part about being worried about the self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm worried about the energy I put out there into the universe.

I made a lot of bad decisions with my ex. There were a lot of red flags there that I overlooked (I mean, I was 23 when we met. So maybe I was just naive). But there were other things I didn't anticipate. When we were dating he would always be clean, shaved and showered when we would meet up (about twice a week). When we lived together, I got to see that he may or may not shower on the other days. So now I pretty much insist on cohabitating, "try before you buy."

posted August 24, 2013 09:59 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Aquacheeka

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posted August 24, 2013 02:36 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
Thank you to everyone so much for your insights.

I guess the issue is like what Doux Rêve said, "What do you have to lose?"

Nothing (materially), and everything (emotionally). I've had abuse (I was born into it), I've had separation. I have no desire to re-experience either one.

The matter has been weighing on my mind because for the first time in my life I'm in a healthy relationship that seems to be going somewhere. My boyfriend is a traditionalist and I could see him eventually wanting to marry. It's like everyone else said here basically, I don't want to be vulnerable, I am afraid to be co-dependent, and I am terrified of getting hurt or things eventually going wrong. I don't want to be just another statistic, and I don't want him to propose. I consider myself a romantic idealist but in reality I am more like aquaguy than I care to admit, I "expect the worst." I would never have children with any man largely because I don't have any pressing desire to (and the fact that I'm not exactly flush with cash happily makes this a non-issue for me at present) but also at least partly because I strongly believe that an intact home is the best thing for kids

---

I think we tend to follow in our parents' footsteps, to some degree -- the environment we were raised in is what we know, what we are familiar with, what we expect. What is your boyfriend's family like? If he comes from a healthy family, where his parents are still together, where they support each other and they did their best to take care of their children, then he probably wants that same kind of relationship and future. That's the "model", the example or ideal that he will naturally want to follow.

quote:

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and I also believe that if you give a man a chance to, he will hurt you, cheat on you, take you for granted/force you to do everything for the family and ignore/neglect you, or else just develop substance abuse issues that make everyday living purgatory and I don't ever want to be forced to choose between my dignity (staying with an unfaithful husband) and the wellbeing of my child. It's a lose-lose proposition. I also have no desire to be a single mom.

In short, I have trust issues. And I don't know if there is any way to rectify them. I don't have any examples in my life of trustworthy men and functional marriages that did not end in divorce. I guess there's my aunt, she's happy now, but she's on husband #4.

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I'm sorry that you've been through experiences that make you feel this way. I can empathize, at least to some extent, because I've had friends and relationships with people that had been through similar experiences. I have my parents, other family members, friends and their families as good examples, but I recognize that not everyone has that kind of background. So I'm just offering some encouragement: not everyone is like that. Not everyone is abusive and neglectful. If you feel that you have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend, you can look to him for some support, and if he has a healthy family, you might be able to turn to them for support too, if/when you are comfortable with them.

It sounds like you really just need some time to heal. Tell your boyfriend; you could let him know that you aren't ready for a big commitment yet, but you appreciate him and the background he comes from.

If I was there, I'd offer you a hug. But that's your boyfriend's job. That's what relationships are supposed to be about -- people supporting each other.