posted August 27, 2013 08:10 AM            

It really helped for someone to help you see yourself.

That doesn't happen much when you get older because you usually get into fights with people and never talk again.

That brings me to my point.

I was complaining about something and then I got a boost in the thing I was complaining about.

Then, I started complaining that I didn't deserve it.

He got angry. He said that anyone would get angry at someone who did not help themselves.

I realized that it was very scary for me to be a winner when I was a child. I had to hide my light all the time.

Even when I was in college, I messed up my finals so I would not graduate Summa *** laude.

My mother hurt me when I shined.

So now I have the same issue. I am afraid of jealousy and you get it when you do well at anything.

People are jealous of other people who do well.

This is what scares me.

Also, I am afraid if I am happy, bad things will come down on me, somehow.

I am sure people can understand, as they always do.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 27, 2013 10:40 AM            

Ami Anne, ever since i read you lost your boy, i understand where a lot of the fright to share your joy with the world comes from.

But don't let those people stop you from enjoying your life. Just learn how to trust in life and enjoy the moment, and simply dont share everything with your mother when you speak.

like tell her you had a good time if she asks, without details, then tell her you are in a hurry or have another call, and hang up after ending it peacefully. if possible.

then go to your son and tell him the boring details of it, clearly he loves you as unconditionally as you love him.

so yeah just enjoy the moment, but even if you feel like shouting it out, keep to yourself, you have really loved ones in your heart that 'know' without you having to say a word...

posted August 27, 2013 10:57 AM            

Thank you for encouraging me.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted August 27, 2013 03:34 PM            

And you deserve to be happy to, don't let anyone take that away from you either. You have a deep pain, but all the better reason to why life may want to give you those few moments here an there, ask your son if he doesn't agree with this or what to?

posted August 28, 2013 04:54 AM            

I can understand people's frustration with others, including me when I'm in a really bad way. I also fear that I'll never be fully "okay" again, so I'm going to lose everyone who means something to me. I'm actually in a good mood tonight. I shouldn't be here - just posting, I feel like I'm preparing to be smacked in some way. That feeling, I really don't like. A feeling I should listen to, just as I should have listened to the one about keeping to myself, and just reading and watching movies, instead of talking to anyone, when Em died. I still feel resentful over happenings, and I feel the defensiveness coming up now; wondering about being accused of something I haven't done, or just having a friend decide to drop me for some reason.

posted August 28, 2013 07:20 AM            

Yes, about listening to yourself. I do, most of the time, as every time I regret it when I don't

I have a song for you. I was doing yoga, last night, and a song jumped out at me for you.

It was on a medley of songs where they just play a little of each one. I need to go back and listen to see if the whole song is good.

If it is, I will post it on the dedication thread.

You are a cool person and don't let anyone ever make you feel otherwise

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal