|
Author
|
Topic: Help please, should I tell my parents my little sister is having sex?
|
ueharaa
Knowflake Posts: 578
From:
Registered: Sep 2011
|
posted October 27, 2013 09:45 PM
  
I need advice and didn't know where to go other than here. My sister is 18 and we've been raised in a rather conservative family (no sex before marriage or at least unless you're with a guy you trust and have known for a while..)
However I recently found out that my sister was getting sexual with guys for quite some time.
I found out because she went to a party got drunk and woke up next to a guy she didn't really know. She couldn't remember and was afraid she got pregnant. I then found out she had been sex friend with a guy for quite some time (a guy she loved but who did not return her feelings). But since she doesn't know anything about sex safety, she got afraid she had aids or stds. Also she seemed to have had a former case of pregnancy scare. She doesn't take the pill.
Needless to say I was shocked because I never imagined such a thing. I told her I knew, I told her we should talk but she refused and simply insulted me saying I am a weirdo and I would never understand a single thing because I'm still a virgin. I tried to make her understand that I did not care about her having sex but that she should be responsible about it. I tried to tell her that she can not trade sex for love but she simply won't listen to me. To her I'm just a kid, a weirdo, who has no sex life and doesn't know what she's talking about. She even accused me of being jealous which made things even more ridiculous because I am well aware that getting sex for a woman isn't really an accomplishment. She believes her way of doing things is the right way.
Besides she hides everything to us. She pretends to be someone she's not around us so my parents have no doubt at all and the fact that she's a good student helps a lot.. I don't know what to do. I think it would be best for her to have one of our parents explain to her the risks of her behavior (physical and emotional). I really want to tell it to my mother but I am afraid it will create more drama (which I don't want). I know my mother will be shocked and disappointed if she learns this but part of me thinks she's entitled to the truth. So what would you do? As a sibling? As a parent would you like to know such a thing? Should I just let her do her own thing even if she makes mistakes ..?
IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted October 27, 2013 09:50 PM
As a parent of a 17 year old, I would be furious. Yes, I would definitely want to know. For her well being. And my peace of mind. And I'll rip apart some male azz. If she's under aged, he's going to face some serious charges. But the cops would be cuffing me cos there'll be nothing left of him. I won't let a girl touch my boy. Never mind a boy touch my girl. IP: Logged |
ueharaa
Knowflake Posts: 578
From:
Registered: Sep 2011
|
posted October 27, 2013 09:57 PM
Thank you for your honest answer. I too believe my parents are entitled to the truth. Even more so because she refuses to listen to me and take responsibility for her actions.
But all I keep seeing on various website giving advice on how to handle such a situation is: "she's an adult, it's her private life, you have no right to discuss this with others, let her make mistakes and grow stronger.." which I find very difficult to understand. IP: Logged |
Kerosene
Knowflake Posts: 6772
From: Mercury
Registered: Dec 2012
|
posted October 27, 2013 10:00 PM
quote:
Originally posted by ueharaa:
Should I just let her do her own thing even if she makes mistakes ..?[/B]
Do what you have to do, follow your conscience.
It's not your responsibility to worry about her, it's your parents.
IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted October 27, 2013 10:13 PM
quote:
Originally posted by ueharaa:
Thank you for your honest answer. I too believe my parents are entitled to the truth. Even more so because she refuses to listen to me and take responsibility for her actions.
But all I keep seeing on various website giving advice on how to handle such a situation is: "she's an adult, it's her private life, you have no right to discuss this with others, let her make mistakes and grow stronger.." which I find very difficult to understand.
It's your obligation, duty and responsibility to inform your parents. You will be acting in the best interests of your sister to inform your parents, and don't shirk from your responsibilities as a sibling. God bless you for staying chaste. Given that your parents are conservative, do you want to follow liberal websites or do you want to listen to conservative advice to handle matters the conservative way?
IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 3181
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
|
posted October 27, 2013 10:53 PM
Since you're a sibling then you're perfectly in your rights to bring it up. It's called concern, and family interventions are common for self-destructive behavior like this. This would be true even if she had her own place, but is even much more so when she lives on her parent's dime. However, best be prepared to prove it if she's the master manipulator you've made her out to be here and in another thread, particularly since she's surely anticipated that you might tell and therefore both taken steps to discredit you in advance as well as prepared how to foil you further if you do bring it up. IP: Logged |
geea
Knowflake Posts: 640
From:
Registered: Jun 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 04:00 AM
quote:
Originally posted by ueharaa:
Thank you for your honest answer. I too believe my parents are entitled to the truth. Even more so because she refuses to listen to me and take responsibility for her actions.
But all I keep seeing on various website giving advice on how to handle such a situation is: "she's an adult, it's her private life, you have no right to discuss this with others, let her make mistakes and grow stronger.." which I find very difficult to understand.
ueharaa, i can say i understand how its like to have an older sister who always wants to take care of you and make sure you dont s-- up. It feels annoying and it makes you feel like a stupid baby. Try to be more of a friend and try listening in the beginning, spend time with her if possible, and she will open up so you can give her some good advice. If you go tell your parents i can guarantee you will lose her trust. IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 2779
From:
Registered: May 2012
|
posted October 28, 2013 06:59 AM
I would tell her she has two options... Either you both go and talk to a GP (general practitioner/family doctor) about her options and how to practice safe sex - and also the consequences of not doing so... or... You tell your parents what has been happening. If she does see a GP with you and she gets on the pill and she agrees to practice safe sex, then you might not have to tell your parents. If she seems completely unreasonable and refuses to use protection - then you really have no option but to tell your parents. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 09:58 AM
A "safe sex" discussion is not part of the equation of a conservative household. Sex isn't part of the game plan, so whoever physician says whatever is zero solace and not a mitigating factor. Sex isn't allowed to occur, period.Tell your parents now or you will lose their trust. I'm teling you honestly and frankly. IP: Logged |
CatMote
Knowflake Posts: 511
From: Fighting Neptune for his trident
Registered: Apr 2013
|
posted October 28, 2013 11:11 AM
maybe if sex was actually talked about shed know how to handle herself.
sex isnt some taboo thing. its been going on for as long as creation existed, i dont understand.
rant over. before you go and tell your parents, i would talk to her myself. id tell her its OK to have sex. it really is. but if youre going to do it, dont be stupid about it. you can never control anothers actions, telling her DONT HAVE SEX obviously hasnt worked. tell her about condoms, STD's, she can get tested relatively easily.
with girls who have been 'sleeping around' i find there is usually some other problem going on. talk to her a little bit. find out why shes been doing this. maybe she can deal with her problems another way instead of getting drunk and looking for her answers there. you, as an older sibling it is your duty to help her through this. offer her your knowledge and wisdom, and your fears. thats what you are there for.
best of luck to you and her. ------------------
Sun Aries Moon Pisces
Mars Pisces Venus Pisces
Mercury Aries Jupiter in Virgo
Saturn in Aquarius Pluto in Scorpio
Neptune and Uranus in Capricorn
Ascendant Libra IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 11:24 AM
This is a ***conservative*** family. It is ***not OK*** to have premarital sex. It is not allowed. You aren't going to change a family's viewpoint on sex just because you posted your opinion that it is dumb. IP: Logged |
CatMote
Knowflake Posts: 511
From: Fighting Neptune for his trident
Registered: Apr 2013
|
posted October 28, 2013 11:30 AM
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
This is a ***conservative*** family. It is ***not OK*** to have premarital sex. It is not allowed. You aren't going to change a family's viewpoint on sex just because you posted your opinion that it is dumb.
nah i dont think its dumb. i dont think they should change their viewpoint either. however, i think it should be addressed. its not ok to have premarital sex in this household, yet its happening, and dangerously too.
------------------
Sun Aries Moon Pisces
Mars Pisces Venus Pisces
Mercury Aries Jupiter in Virgo
Saturn in Aquarius Pluto in Scorpio
Neptune and Uranus in Capricorn
Ascendant Libra IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 11:37 AM
quote:
Originally posted by CatMote:
nah i dont think its dumb. i dont think they should change their viewpoint either. however, i think it should be addressed. its not ok to have premarital sex in this household, yet its happening, and dangerously too.
And I don't disagree with your assessment. IP: Logged |
ueharaa
Knowflake Posts: 578
From:
Registered: Sep 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 03:57 PM
Thank you to all of you for understanding and being such good advice. You all made a point and offered a better perspective than the "she's an adult, it's her life" thing that gets repeated over and over.
However I did not say anything anything and I won't. I had a very ugly talk with her last night where she insulted and called me of all names possible.. She absolutely resents me for finding out. According to her I am the worst sister that ever existed and am completely crazy. And today, while she was alone with my mother she apparently told her the story by herself and when I came back I got scolded for being too curious and wanting to know more about her life. Yes my mother just told me "why do you care what she does with boys, it's her problem not yours". She said she didn't care either. It seems like she told her she had a boyfriend and all, she certainly made up a believable story that has nothing to be worried about and played the victim role where I am the nasty crazy (yes because you know I see a psychologist since I have some form of depression) sister that has no right to read her private convos. I don't think she told the truth as in that she was actually having some sort of sex, but anyway I don't care now. This whole thing simply backfired at me. I was really so stupid to even care about it in the first place.
In the end I am the one that got burned. I got insulted, called crazy, weird, nosy and jealous or frustrated, and on top of it I should leave my sister alone with this because you know she has exams coming up and it's all that matters.. I certainly did not see this coming.
Oh and I do not care that she has sex or not. I've never been one to judge anyone on this. People have needs I understand this. Now it was more the way she went about having sex that I found scary and the fact that she has a tendency to thrive on the attention of others (way too much). But no, in the end, tot hem I am obviously the one with issues..
IP: Logged |
Kerosene
Knowflake Posts: 6772
From: Mercury
Registered: Dec 2012
|
posted October 28, 2013 04:32 PM
I wouldn't worry about her, she seems very calculative.
Even if she is behaving recklessly I'm sure she knows to get out of sticky situations lol. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 04:58 PM
You are a great sister. You can very well be proud of yourself.IP: Logged |
starmoon
Knowflake Posts: 879
From:
Registered: Sep 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 06:45 PM
i don't think anyone mentioned that sisters are often jealous of one another, and not everything we want to do (like tell on a sibling) is coming from a place of goodness/helpfulness. it could be coming from a plce of envy, especially if one sibling is doing something forbidden and denied to the other. just saying... not everyone has pure motives deep down. perhaps cynical, but possibly trueIP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 3181
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
|
posted October 28, 2013 07:09 PM
quote:
Originally posted by ueharaa:
She absolutely resents me for finding out
How DID you find out?  From what you said I thought she came to you but now it sounds as if she didn't. If you heard this from someone else then your fears may not be correct and her reaction could then be understandable (if she's not doing what you think she's doing). Also, if she loves attention then she might WANT her mom to know (or at least believe even if it wasn't true). That said an appropriate response to "why do you care" is "because I love her and don't want to see her get hurt." Also be aware that many parents would prefer to ignore something like this rather than deal with it and hope it "takes care of itself" (that is that the bullet is dodged without worrying about the bullet in the first place). IP: Logged |
ueharaa
Knowflake Posts: 578
From:
Registered: Sep 2011
|
posted October 28, 2013 10:15 PM
quote:
Originally posted by starmoon:
i don't think anyone mentioned that sisters are often jealous of one another, and not everything we want to do (like tell on a sibling) is coming from a place of goodness/helpfulness. it could be coming from a place of envy, especially if one sibling is doing something forbidden and denied to the other. just saying... not everyone has pure motives deep down. perhaps cynical, but possibly true
So according to you, it is highly possible that I am just jealous of her. And I guess the fact that I am a virgin justifies this even more so right?
Well I understand that you or anyone could believe this about me, that I am just the bitter sister who found out a younger sister is having fun and not her, and I am going to bring her to mama for my own personal vengeance.
I know that even if I tried to explain what happened some of you would still think this. But I'll try anyway. quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
How DID you find out? From what you said I thought she came to you but now it sounds as if she didn't. If you heard this from someone else then your fears may not be correct and her reaction could then be understandable (if she's not doing what you think she's doing). Also, if she loves attention then she might WANT her mom to know (or at least believe even if it wasn't true). That said an appropriate response to "why do you care" is "because I love her and don't want to see her get hurt." Also be aware that many parents would prefer to ignore something like this rather than deal with it and hope it "takes care of itself" (that is that the bullet is dodged without worrying about the bullet in the first place).
Last week she wasn't acting like her normal self. She had come back from a week end where they party and meet other students. She was not talking to us, isolating herself, got angry very fast. I asked her what was wrong but she just proceeded to scream at me so I just left because I hate being screamed at. Then my youngest sister who is just 12 came to tell me "do you know what she did". She looked like she knew something but couldn't tell. She sort of worried me.
Now before going further I have to mention something that will not justify but at least explain why I did what I did. 2 years ago, we found out my sister was on the verge of committing suicide. A very dear female friend of hers was telling her she had cancer and was about to die. For 6 months she hid it from us, and dealt with the news alone. We knew the girl, she was coming home rather often and we didn't see anything. It wasn't until we got into a room while she was sobbing that we learned that her best friend might die and how badly it affected her. For 2 months, we tried to support her. We made prayers for this girl to get better. We tried to explain to my sister that a miracle could happen and she could be saved, and that at worst she would find other people that mattered and life could still go on. Our first concern was that if something awful happened she would attempt to end her life.
But finally other common friends had doubts about what this girl was saying. She supposedly had cancer but was not getting treatment for it, was still going to school and even gave piggy ride to others! She only had short stay at the hospital and a nurse at home. When she was at the hospital a nurse was talking to my sister through texts explaining her state and evolution..
Needless to say we finally found out all of this was false. The girl had been lying since the beginning and was taking pleasure in watching my sister suffer over her. It was a long process, a very hard wake up call, that did a lot of emotional damage. I personally could not believe someone could be this evil and disturbed to do this. So when my youngest sister got that look on her face, I feared the worse, and I took her phone and read her texts to find out what had been happening. I know it's wrong, I know I have nothing to justify it. Anyway this is what I did and I found out about the party incident. I stayed discrete, told her to meet me outside so we could talk which we did and sort of tried to lecture her all the while calming her fears of being pregnant. I told her that if she drank she should always have one or two friends that make sure she doesn't leave with a stranger. I told her not to drink too much hand know her limits so she could still be conscious. I also tried to make her realize how dangerous her behavior could have been especially if she had been into a night club in town with complete strangers (here there were all students from the same college). And that is all.
I did not plan to talk about this incident to my parents because well it was a reckless mistake and I know it could happen to anyone.
But two days later my youngest sister who I did not want to know anything about this, was talking to me and basically made me understand she knew about the incident and there was more to it. she said she had read her facebook messages while she left her computer open. Then she went through her phone and this is how we learned she feared she had aid or stds and got tested. One thing led to another, we discovered the unsafe sex part and what her behavior towards this was. And this is then that I got really worried. Because the party incident, was not an isolated one. (I'll edit this part later, since it is quite personal and contains a lot of details) I sincerely believe to have acted out of care and worry for her. Maybe it was a bit extreme as I won't deny that I have overprotective tendencies, which is not only difficult to bear for others but also for me. I certainly do not envy her situation at all. As I said, being used for sex and lied to is actually something I've tried always to avoid for me but also for people close to me. But as I mentioned earlier, I guess it was a really mistake to try to know more in the first place and then to care at all.
I am relieved she talked to my mother, even if she hasn't told the truth, at least this is an issue between the two of them now. And it is none of my business. And starmoon thank you for bringing the issue of jealousy, envy to me. It allowed to really think about it and consider it. I am convinced that after this, my parents will believe I am just jealous of her and her life.. but I have never been one to care much what anyone thought about me anyway, even less so when it is not true. Thank you to everyone for reading and understanding. I really mean it. IP: Logged |
Kerosene
Knowflake Posts: 6772
From: Mercury
Registered: Dec 2012
|
posted October 28, 2013 10:23 PM
Your intentions are good and that's the only thing that matters!IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 3181
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
|
posted October 29, 2013 03:46 AM
Just for the record I read it, thanks for taking the time to explain. Given that it's approaching 1 AM for me I don't have any comment as of this time so I'm just saying in case you just wanted me to see it before you edited it. IP: Logged |
Odette
Knowflake Posts: 2779
From:
Registered: May 2012
|
posted October 29, 2013 08:24 AM
quote:
Sex isn't part of the game plan
She is 18.. so yes - it is purely about -safe sex-. IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 33981
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 04, 2013 07:04 PM
Being 18, it is really no one's business what she does with her body. She can choose to follow the family religion or not. She is an adult. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 6302
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
|
posted November 04, 2013 07:13 PM
^^ You're speaking legalistically.Doesn't work that way in a conservative family structure, unless of course you choose to leave the family. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 3181
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
|
posted November 04, 2013 08:17 PM
And if a person is putting themselves at severe risk or danger then loved ones (which hopefully include family) should feel inclined to intervene, perhaps even hold an intervention.It's not about having sex, it's about having sex recklessly. Just like family and loved ones would want to intervene with someone who starts a pattern of drunk driving (it's not having a drink or driving a car that does it but rather the recklessness that can ruin their life). IP: Logged |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
