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Author Topic:   Can you be just friends...
Odette
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posted November 11, 2013 09:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
... with someone you are attracted to?


I realised I'm judgmental of people who can't do this. I very easily can stay friends with anyone, but that's mostly because I rarely feel that 'strongly' attracted and I have a pretty low sex drive, so it seems mostly irrelevant to me. I wouldn't find it frustrating if I was attracted - and if we never had sex at all and we were just friends. It just wouldn't bother me.

When I looked this up online - a lot of people (male and female) were saying the opposite: that they would find it very hard to be friends with a person - if they were sexually attracted.

Anyway - I realised that when a man is attracted to me in a situation/context where we clearly cannot date and neither of us would go there.. (for instance - if we work together) .. they are pretty apprehensive about being around me in general and getting closer as friends.

One the one hand, I can understand this... on a psychological level.

On the other hand - part of me gets very judgmental and I almost feel like nagging them about how childish they are and how they are unable to control themselves at this age.. and cannot behave normally and network/socialise with a woman they're attracted to.

The Capricorn in me is a huge a B*itch... I mean huge with a capital B... and I could seriously rip anyone to shreds with my criticism.
But because I have a Pisces Mercury I shut up.. or at least, I try very hard to shut up lol

I would like it if you guys could explain how you feel about being just friends with someone you are attracted to... and also - please tell me if you believe my reaction is insane and mean (or unwarranted).

I just want to understand this better from the perspective of people who are the opposite of me.. and maybe try to sympathise more.
Because I feel like (this will sound cheesy)... but I feel like I have no sympathy in my heart for these guys.

The reason I am not understanding is actually not a personal reason. It's mostly a networking reason.

On some level it makes me angry that people.. in particular women who are maybe average looking, not particularly sexually attractive - can acquire a very large network of people (male and female) and this makes it easier for them to further their career.
If you are attractive - it is not the same.. because some people of the opposite sex..are just uneasy about networking with you...

It is just something that gets to me and that actually makes me angry..
I want to discuss the whole thing further in this thread.

I mean of course - on a personal level, it just sucks when someone can't be friends with you - if you want to get to know that person.
But what really gets to me is the apparent complete lack of forethought these guys have about their career.

First of all - Why do they not comprehend the importance of having me as a connection... and secondly - why do they not comprehend the reasons why I may want to have *them* as a connection?

Is Linkedin - just beyond the comprehension of these people? Do they not get the whole concept? I don't know *shrug*

I mean - sure you can be attracted to someone. We are all attracted to different people... but that should really be besides the point - when it comes to networking.

I am not saying that this applies to a majority of men.. I mean I have several male friends..
But it does confuse me.. when this happens.

I also get the impression that some of the men who behave this way - think they are Superman.. and they also don't get the concept of the saying "no man is an island"/
They genuinely believe that they can somehow reach their goals in life all by themselves (having no friends or connections at all) - which is ridiculously naive.
They also seem to gather enemies because of their general snobbish (and introverted) attitude - and then they wonder why no one helps them.. or WHY someone else got a promotion while they didn't?

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teasel
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posted November 11, 2013 10:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've heard that it's easier for better-looking people to advance in their careers.

I couldn't stay friends with one, but that's because he'd had such a strong effect on me, and then screwed with my head.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 11, 2013 10:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I find it an energy sapping waste of time, but to each her/his own. I would keep it professional and nowhere personal.

I think I've done quite well in my professional life by keeping things strictly professional and not maintaining any friendships, especially with the opposite sex.

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Kerosene
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posted November 11, 2013 10:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have a weird relationship with my best friend.
We both agree that we're soul mates and we always go on about each other to other people.
It's complicated.
We're attracted to each other too but it's so beyond human love.
It's hard to describe... maybe it's agape.

But we're in love with different people because we have long history with them...
Actually I met her when we were both heartbroken and we helped each other get through it.
and yeah we did kinda hook up in the beginning.. nothing serious..

No matter what happens it's nice to know we have each others backs..

but we are both air signs so maybe we don't feel things as intense as others.

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Odette
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posted November 11, 2013 10:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
I've heard that it's easier for better-looking people to advance in their careers.

Well.. it's easier in some ways depending on what you're willing to do.
But I'm more of a hardworking person - than a .. "flirt with them to get ahead" person.

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Odette
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posted November 11, 2013 10:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
I think I've done quite well in my professional life by keeping things strictly professional

Well the ones I'm referring to don't interact properly even on a professional level because they are h*rny and can't function or control themselves.
*shrug*

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12muddy
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posted November 11, 2013 10:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 12muddy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It depends on the level of attraction, I guess. I don't know anyone who has strong, intense and continuous sexual attraction towards their friends can stay "just friends". Most of the time I see they either get together, or just cut the ties, it's like if you move away from temptation then you won't be tempted anymore.


As for me, I'm attracted to various people, but mostly just fleeting feelings, I don't feel the need to jump them. So it's been ok for me. And like you said, being a part of circles of friends, I don't just suddenly cut people off coz I feel attracted to them at some point.

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Odette
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posted November 11, 2013 10:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
I have a weird relationship with my best friend.
We both agree that we're soul mates and we always go on about each other to other people.
It's complicated.
We're attracted to each other too but it's so beyond human love.
It's hard to describe... maybe it's agape.
But we're in love with different people because we have long history with them...
Actually I met her when we were both heartbroken and we helped each other get through it.
and yeah we did kinda hook up in the beginning.. nothing serious..

No matter what happens it's nice to know we have each others backs..

but we are both air signs so maybe we don't feel things as intense as others.


I like that ^. I definitely gel better with air signs!

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 11, 2013 10:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
To me, business is business. Tony Soprano said one wouldn't dump where one eats. I agree with the basic premise of that statement.

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Odette
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posted November 11, 2013 10:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
And like you said, being a part of circles of friends, I don't just suddenly cut people off coz I feel attracted to them at some point.

Yeah.. That's basically how I feel.. If it's not a strong attraction, which it usually isn't - then why behave in such an antisocial way?
But maybe I just don't experience such strong attractions so I don't understand what it feels like.

I couldn't imagine cutting someone off for this reason.
What is your Mars sign - Muddy?

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 11, 2013 10:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
Well the ones I'm referring to don't interact properly even on a professional level because they are h*rny and can't function or control themselves.
*shrug*

That's rather unfortunate. Are you sure they are worthy of your friendship given that they gave no etiquette or self control?

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12muddy
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posted November 11, 2013 10:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 12muddy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My mars sign is in Taurus.


Yeah. What I think about having strong sexual feelings for friends, it probably feels as if one is hungry and sits next to a dish of donuts, but one isn't allowed to eat it. It's a longing, a wish unfulfilled, a need unsatisfied. Must be torture.

If it's not a strong attraction then well I don't get why they cut people off.

Oh, it could be like "fanning the fire" --> come to think of it, one reason why they cut it off, could be to prevent that little bit of attraction to grow into something bigger than what they can handle.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 11, 2013 10:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It is emotionally and physically draining. To me, it's unproductive and ultimately leads to insatiated people.

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aquaguy91
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posted November 11, 2013 10:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No. IMO you aren't attracted if you can be "just friends" . Maybe it's just me but if I'm attracted to a girl, get along with her, have common interests etc. I'm going to want to date her and that desire is not going to go away over time , in fact that desire would only grow . So why would it be in my best interest to put myself through such emotional torture? I don't give a sh*t what anyone on this forum has to say about it .. That's the way I feel about that, if you don't like it eat my man thong.

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Kerosene
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posted November 11, 2013 11:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
I like that ^. I definitely gel better with air signs!


One thing that is really important is communication..

Just talk it out.

Some people are so coy about their feelings.

Okay, so we're both attracted to each other but we don't want an intimate relationship at this time.

Self control is also important.

I have mars sextile saturn and she has mars trine saturn.
We're not going randomly start making out.
We can sleep next to each other and get physical and at the same time we're comfortable with each others sexuality.
(Venus conjunct mars)
She's not going to be freak out if I have morning wood or a random boner.
We both have perverted minds and laugh..

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Faith
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posted November 11, 2013 11:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Huh? Capricorn women can be huge b****es? How come I never got the memo?

kidding

I think it's really hard to generalize. I can see why the "I can't just be friends with hot girls" trend would bother you, Odette, but if that's sincerely how they feel...to each his own.

I love it when men and women can be friends even if they are attracted to each other...and just be friends. In my experience in younger days, however, it was difficult to sustain for a long time: I didn't want to get involved with other guys just in case my best friend (this guy I LOVED) wanted to flip the switch and get romantic.

After years of being in that kind of limbo, it was too much for me, I had to move on, and the only way to do that was to cut ties. Otherwise, I would have just been waiting for him from the sidelines forever, and that wasn't how I wanted my life story to play out.


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aquaguy91
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posted November 11, 2013 11:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
God created gay/bi men so women could have platonic male friends.

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Xodian
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posted November 11, 2013 11:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xodian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Though this might be quite unusual for a guy to say (given the accepted considered "norms" when it comes to guys and their behavior,) for me, friendship is a strong pre-requisite before anything sexual can happen. I really can't just f**k some random gal I meet and have only known for a couple of hours. It will take a GREAT deal of time before I can even begin to say if I am sexually attracted to someone or not.

As such, I find it quite easy to make friends with women and not be sexually attracted to them. Besides that, being in a happy fulfilling relationship does helps me in being just friends with women as well. I don't see a reason to have sex with a random stranger when I have all that I want and more with my wife.

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Kerosene
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posted November 11, 2013 11:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
By logic you mean homosexual men.
Stereotypically speaking, you should be very worried if your girl is friends with a bisexual guy. They would shag everything in site..

Plus it's easy for a girl to say her guyfriend is gay to avoid suspicion muahhaa.

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12muddy
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posted November 11, 2013 11:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 12muddy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"decided against it"

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Kerosene
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posted November 11, 2013 11:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Aqua guy don't you have a gay friend...

Is he not attracted to you or something?
If he can be friends with men how is it such a strange concept.

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aquaguy91
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posted November 11, 2013 11:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Kerosene:
Aqua guy don't you have a gay friend...

Is he not attracted to you or something?
If he can be friends with men how is it such a strange concept.


Well that's completely different. Lol

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Kerosene
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posted November 11, 2013 11:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Think about it....
It's really not that different, this is why I thought it was open minded of you to keep him as a friend.
by your logic he could be secretly lusting after you and plotting to be your lover.
Even if he is attracted to you he has enough self control to be a friend..

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aquaguy91
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posted November 11, 2013 11:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Kerosene:
Think about it....
It's really not that different, this is why I thought it was open minded of you to keep him as a friend.
by your logic he could be secretly lusting after you...
Even if he is attracted to you he has enough self control to be a friend..

Our friendship works because we have been friends for a long time , long before I knew he was gay. He is also more masculine than most gay guys and thus likes more effeminate gay guys so Im not even remotely his type. Our friendship would never work if he was a twink lol

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Kerosene
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From: Mercury
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posted November 12, 2013 12:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh.. Is that what he told you?
Did he teach you that label too, yuck...
I already do not like him, no offensive.
I love how if you're remotely feminine you get treated like a sexual object by some butch faggot...
Okay well I'll tell you the reality, gay men regardless of how masculine they may behave can prefer masculine butch guys too..

Here are some more labels,
You've heard of "lipstick" lesbians, right?
Not all of them prefer bull dykes...

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