posted May 22, 2014 05:20 PM            

This may be obvious to people but it just became clear to me, in my gut.

I had a situation at about this time where I felt someone took advantage of me.

Someone does some work for me and I have her extra money as gifts and then when I stopped, she demanded them.

I really felt badly but I let it stay for a number of reasons that are too long to go into.

However, I was and AM angry.

The point of all this is that it was really hard for me to be angry and feel I deserved to be angry.

I dealt with anger by siding with the person who hurt me and not myself.

I see that your anger is your ticket out of low self esteem and a way to self respect.

Can anyone relate?

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posted May 22, 2014 10:51 PM            

This person is still doing work for me and I just gave her the gift as a permanent thing but I am angry.

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posted May 22, 2014 11:15 PM            

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posted May 22, 2014 11:20 PM            

I wasn't allowed to express anything as a child, really...unless it was exactly what my mom wanted me to express, which was, more often than not, happiness with gifts she had bought for me.

She was so bothered by the movie "Mommy Dearest" that she still nervously jokes about it sometimes (although not admitting that she identified with Joan Crawford's character).

So I was left with a profound rage, which I internalized.

I still do this to an extent.

I smoke cigarettes when I'm angry or frustrated, which I've noticed.

I don't believe that I smoke cigarettes because they calm me down. I believe it's a form of self-destruction that I still need to rid myself of (although I quit for almost two years before and during my pregnancy). Of course I smoke my cigarettes outside, as I have a child (for the record).

I had to go through a period of being free to express my anger very vocally, in a few different ways. Some were quite negative, and some were just...probably awkward for the people around me, but necessary for my healing.

I do believe that anger is a part of the healing process. At least it was for me.

posted May 22, 2014 11:29 PM            

Do you have any recurrent dreams? I have one that I cannot see. I am in various situations and I cannot see.

I may be driving or walking down a narrow path but I can't see and I am too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone.

I had it again last night.

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posted May 22, 2014 11:44 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Thanks for being so honest, Violets. I feel like I have had to fight self destructive urges since I was 14, when I jettisoned my reality in favor of my mothers. I have been numb since then.

Do you have any recurrent dreams? I have one that I cannot see. I am in various situations and I cannot see.

I may be driving or walking down a narrow path but I can't see and I am too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone.

I had it again last night.

---

No, I don't have recurrent dreams, for the most part. At least not having to do much with my childhood.

At times, I would have recurring dreams that reflected my reality at one point: I was trapped in my hometown, with no car and no way to get away. That's accurate, and I would classify them as "bad dreams".

I recall in very vivid detail most of the things my mom said and did to me. Although not extreme by some measures, still quite extreme by even remotely healthy standards.

Emotional abuse, as opposed to physical.

It's really okay to let the anger fly, Ami. It will pass. As long as we know that we're finally expressing that pent up anger and rage after decades of holding it inside, I firmly believe we can do so without hurting people who have nothing to do with that anger.
But that is a fine art indeed. I wasn't so great at it, and I'm still not always.

If you're more savvy than I was, you might take up boxing or martial arts.

I stopped martial arts when I was around 17 years old, but I should have kept at it.

posted May 23, 2014 12:22 AM            

I don't blame myself in that situation.

Rather, I feel that she somewhat took advantage of me while simultaneously providing me with something I needed.

When her purpose (and mine) were fulfilled, we parted ways. And not on a particularly friendly basis, although I don't believe that I owed her any money at the end, although I'm not positive.

I do know that we paid her over a thousand dollars for her extended work with me, and she had an unpleasant way of always making me feel "less than", or inferior while she was helping me.

She was reasonably good at what she did, but when it became more than she knew how to handle, she behaved as if I were the one who was deficient, when in actuality it was her.

For the record, this was energy work being performed on me. She simply was not equipped to deal with more than what she had been taught (and she was still doing an apprenticeship), and tried to make me feel as though I were some sort of lost cause.

My husband and I continued with our energy healing together, and I found a legitimate therapist who was also an energy healer (and accepted insurance).

So...C'est la Vie.

Don't let people drag you down, it's all a process.

posted May 23, 2014 07:29 AM            

With this women, I am gonna let her have the money and just suck it up and learn from it.

Sometimes, your attempts at being kind are taken advantage of. Sometimes, you should not give more than expected or it will expected all the time and that was not what you signed up for.

I am a little wiser and so I will leave the lesson at that lol

Thanks so much for your help, Violets and 1V

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