posted May 29, 2014 04:24 PM            

Your Ex Isn't Crazy and 4 Other Truths No One Wants To Hear

Your ex isn’t crazy.

Oh my god, if I hear another guy claim that all his ex-girlfriends are “crazy” because they were upset about the breakup or because they did something in response to something cruel and heartless the guy did, I’m going to actually set something on fire. (Wouldn’t that be CRAZY?) No one has ever had a reasonable break up. Everyone who is someone’s ex has acted like a nutcase at some point because they were hurt or wronged. Dismissing your exes as “crazy” if they do anything less than murder your cat is actually sort of rude and disrespectful of their feelings. This is a person you once loved. They are hurting. Don’t be a dick.

Humans are emotional beings with complex reasons for doing what they do. Nothing happens in a vacuum. I’m pretty sure your ex isn’t just some unprovoked monster doing things for no reason. (Unless they are, but come on, you kind of know if this is the case or if you’re just being dismissive/dramatic.) Maybe you have one truly crazy ex who’s doing 25 to life at Rikers Island. Maybe. But if you’re with someone right now and they tell you all their exes are “crazy,” run for the hills. It means they won’t respect your feelings or acknowledge your problems as real. They are the problem. Avoid! Avoid!

Your boss was right to fire you.

Your boss wasn’t an evil Disney villain. They’re just trying to get their job done and do the best work for your company. They are not “out to get you” because they caught you lurking Facebook or think you spend too much time in the bathroom. Hate to say it but have you considered that maybe you’re a terrible employee and you’re making their day worse by being incompetent and inefficient?

Yeah, it’s annoying when someone is taking a dumb day job REALLY seriously but maybe they don’t have a lot of other things going on in their life and this job is important to them. When you half-ass your work, it makes everything harder for everyone else. If they fired you, you can go out with your friends, get a drink and lament the system…or you can wonder what you did wrong and how you can be a better asset next time. …Okay, okay. Down with “the man.” But also, do your ******* job, huh?

You are being clingy.

It’s practically in the friendship contract to tell you that you’re not “being clingy” if you want to text someone 500 times in a night. “Oh my god,” you say, “Do you think I’m being totally clingy?” And then as per Section III, Article 57 of the Friendship Agreement, they are obligated to tell you, “Nooo, no way! If this person really likes you, they’ll totally accept your ten thousand unsolicited communications at 4 in the morning! If not, they are a capital A – ******* .”

This serves no one. Yes. You are being clingy. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be yourself. You can find someone who is also clingy towards you and who finds your behavior charming and endearing. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being clingy. Just admit you’re clingy and embrace it! But know you can’t force a non-clingy person to be the way you want or need them to be. Find a fellow clinger and have little cling-on babies.

That thing from your childhood wasn’t that good.

This is a truth I couldn’t care less about but I’m speaking objectively: You loved something as a kid and you maybe haven’t seen it since but you’re SURE it still holds up and is a masterpiece. Er. Unfortunately it’s probably not as flawless as you thought it was when you were 7 years old. Some stuff totally stands the test of time, but most of the things you remember from being a child are just tinged with nostalgia and not actually quality.

That being said, who’s to judge what’s good and not good? It’s good to you because it’s attached to some nice memories. Is it necessarily well-written or well-acted or whatever, depending on what it is? No, probably not. (Unless it’s Roald Dahl or Labyrinth.) But who cares? No need to get defensive and claim that Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles is a brilliant series. Admit it’s bad but you love it anyway. That makes it good, right?

You are not as young as you used to be.

Listen, unless you’re that already, you’re never going to be a 16-year-old Olympic gymnast. You’re never going to be a child violin prodigy. You’re never gonna publish a book at the age of 4.

Your body can’t do the things it used to. Your hangovers will get longer and harsher. You’re gonna want to go to bed earlier. You’re gonna need to survive on more than PopTarts and cigarettes. You can’t mess around forever. You want to believe you’re immortal. You want that Fun. song to be true so you can keep singing anthemic choruses: WE ARE YOUNG.

posted May 29, 2014 07:08 PM            

My ex husband, though, was crazy! I knew that when he threatened to chop me up into little pieces.

OH and I've been fired twice. Once was the day after I got in an argument with the manager about whether Duran Duran was better than Morrissey.

The other time was when I came into work bald. I was fired and told I could come back to work when my hair grew in... despite the fact I worked with a lot of men that shaved their heads.

posted May 29, 2014 07:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MoonWitch:
Most of my exes weren't crazy. I'm even still friendly with some of them.

My ex husband, though, was crazy! I knew that when he threatened to chop me up into little pieces..

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I had one of those too. Only one though. Thankfully.

quote:

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OH and I've been fired twice. Once was the day after I got in an argument with the manager about whether Duran Duran was better than Morrissey.

The other time was when I came into work bald. I was fired and told I could come back to work when my hair grew in... despite the fact I worked with a lot of men that shaved their heads.

I was WRONGED!!!!!!!!

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WOW!!! Yes you were!

posted June 24, 2014 10:54 PM            

And for the record, I've never been in a relationship with a Saturn ruled Capricorn sun sign. Two have chased me hard, but never been my cup of tea. Just to put that rumor to bed.