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Topic: Contempt erodes the immune system
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Faith Knowflake Posts: 8381 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 05, 2014 09:24 AM
Something to be aware of.... quote: University of Washington Psychologist John Gottman says he can predict with 95% accuracy whether a marriage will end in divorce within 15 years by microanalyzing a videotape of the pair talking for an hour. His secret is paying attention to the number of times in the conversation the couples participate in what he calls the Four Horsemen: * Defensiveness: A response like "It's not my fault, it's your fault!" to a real or imagined attack. * Stonewalling: The silent treatment. This seems to be more common in men than women. * Criticism: Labeling a partner with a negative trait, such as "You're selfish." * Contempt: Labeling a partner with a negative trait as if the blamed person is inferior and the criticizer is superior. Contempt is often shown through body language: tone of voice, facial expressions, and body movement. Just a roll of the eyes can signal that someone considers themselves above you. The fourth danger sign, contempt, is the greatest predictor of divorce. It's the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble. In fact, Gottman reports that having your significant other hold you in disgust is so stressful that it can have a negative effect on your immune system.
Full article here John Gottman on Anderson Cooper, talking about contempt beginning @ 2 minutes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=625t8Rr9o6o Cooper: "Why it that [contempt] so toxic?" Gottman: "He is mocking her...so he is acting superior to her. And not only is contempt our best predictor of divorce...it's also a predictor of how many infectious illnesses his wife is going to have in the next four years. It erodes the immune system." Cooper: "It erodes the immune system?" Gottman: "Absolutely." .... Cooper: "It's amazing to me that something like contempt can have physical repercussions." Then Gottman provides some of the scientific evidence. --- Stay away from contempt. IP: Logged |
Yin Knowflake Posts: 3410 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 05, 2014 09:57 AM
I love reading about Gottman's work. Contempt is the worst. It poisons your brain and then your heart. Try being from Eastern Europe and not have contempt, ha!IP: Logged |
Faith Knowflake Posts: 8381 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 05, 2014 12:43 PM
Is it a cultural thing for Eastern Europe? That might explain some things for me. I'm noticing that I can't be around contempt, I'm really sensitive to it. Also I have to be careful with my kids when they get on my nerves...yes I am in charge, but not superior. IP: Logged |
Lonake Knowflake Posts: 9672 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 05, 2014 01:02 PM
Yup! Better to not marry nor stay with someone who doesn't care about your needs and isn't willing to talk things out respectfully. That's just asking for trouble.It's one of the first things I look at as I'm getting to know a potential romantic partner, are we genuinely respecting each other and how well do we communicate, how do we approach disagreements. I'm so sensitive to any of that going bad, so being in a marriage or LTR with those qualities stated above in conversations just sounds like a living nightmare. (Mercury 7th, Libra Saturn 3rd.) That's horrible if it does come to the point of affecting a partner's health. So toxic! Better imo to just try to get healthy and leave. That's abuse. But I imagine partners that get stuck in this sinkhole are both invested in the relationship taking a turn for the worse. Could be active or passive, as mentioned. Health takes so many forms, as adults we have to be responsible for making sure we get the best care as possible. IP: Logged |
Yin Knowflake Posts: 3410 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 05, 2014 03:00 PM
quote: Originally posted by Faith: Is it a cultural thing for Eastern Europe? That might explain some things for me.
I think it is, yes.
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BellaFenice Knowflake Posts: 1132 From: Pseudo-Leo with a 1st House Stellium Registered: Sep 2013
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posted September 05, 2014 10:31 PM
Good find! IP: Logged |
violet7887 Knowflake Posts: 1598 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 05, 2014 11:12 PM
all those points actually brought up one couple I know.from my point of view, they are both highly egotistical. It results in them constantly bickering until the silent treatment is brought on. And then of course, the other points. Its been very rocky for them. It is just hard for me to understand why two people who claim to love each other cannot put in a joint effort to communicate their problems as a couple. If a couple lacks open communication that is already the dead end of your relationship. Why be miserable? This is how the ego is a big part of all this. IP: Logged |
Faith Knowflake Posts: 8381 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 06, 2014 12:19 PM
Thank you for your comments. It's hard when you love a person who occasionally gets contemptuous. I wonder if there is a way to heal a person of that.
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juniperb Moderator Posts: 8479 From: Blue Star Kachina Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 06, 2014 06:17 PM
I think it was Edgar Cayce who said comtempt is held in the stomach and causes severe pain and can lead to serious issues. Yin, that`s interesting! ------------------ Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged. Rumi IP: Logged |
Randall Webmaster Posts: 44914 From: Saturn next to Charmainec Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 09, 2014 08:55 PM
Good info. IP: Logged |
teasel Knowflake Posts: 6401 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 09, 2014 09:41 PM
I had my stomach issues, before feeling any real contempt for anyone. I don't like the feeling when it does hit me, though.IP: Logged |
mercuranian Knowflake Posts: 891 From: not here Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 09, 2014 11:59 PM
quote: Originally posted by teasel: I had my stomach issues, before feeling any real contempt for anyone. I don't like the feeling when it does hit me, though.
maybe you felt the contempt someone held toward you?
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T Knowflake Posts: 11039 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 10, 2014 05:03 AM
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teasel Knowflake Posts: 6401 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 10, 2014 06:58 AM
quote: Originally posted by mercuranian: maybe you felt the contempt someone held toward you?
Oh, that has definitely been true for the past few years! I do pick things up from others. I can think of one person who I felt contempt for - there was an awful lot of hurt involved, on my end. But the thing I'm apparently dealing with, can be associated with migraines - I used to get migraines, and I still deal with dizzy spells on occasion, like all day last Wednesday. IP: Logged |
Ellynlvx Knowflake Posts: 10130 From: the Point of Light within the Mind of God Registered: Aug 2013
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posted September 20, 2014 10:58 AM
I think the biggest problem in relationships is when you compete with one another for another persons attention.That means you are looking outside the partnership for validation, rather than building a union between the two. This goes for children as well. When you compete for the child's attention, you are not working as a team to raise the child right, you are looking to the child for confirmation. This is not a secure position to raise a child from. Really, it is a major example of what is wrong with our society at large. IP: Logged |
Faith Knowflake Posts: 8381 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 26, 2014 10:11 AM
Excellent article:So You Love An Angry Person It is long and thorough. I think the concluding paragraph gives you an idea of the author's clarity and focus: quote: You get the life you choose. Keep studying about anger and how it affects you and your loved ones. It is important you keep learning and growing and increasing the options in your life. Your life is yours alone. And you only get one life. Only you can make it happier. You can choose to keep studying and learning about anger and about living more harmoniously. Expect more for yourself. You do not have to live with the misery of constant anger.
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Faith Knowflake Posts: 8381 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted September 26, 2014 10:36 AM
This thread reminds me of one of my all-time favorite songs~If you don't like what you see don't look at me. IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad Moderator Posts: 1740 From: The Harvest Registered: Mar 2014
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posted September 26, 2014 04:48 PM
quote: Originally posted by Yin:
Try being from Eastern Europe and not have contempt, ha!
Sadly, true. ------------------ ~the raving one dancing in the nude~ IP: Logged |
PixieJane Moderator Posts: 5238 From: CA Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 26, 2014 05:05 PM
quote: Originally posted by Faith: Excellent article:So You Love An Angry Person It is long and thorough
That's one of the best articles I've seen on the topic! Unlike many articles it draws a difference between healthy and unhealthy anger and also productive and counterproductive behavior inspired by it with a wide range of options to consider. IP: Logged |
juniperb Moderator Posts: 8479 From: Blue Star Kachina Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 26, 2014 05:10 PM
Your life is yours alone. And you only get one life. Only you can make it happier. You can choose to keep studying and learning about anger and about living more harmoniously. Expect more for yourself. You do not have to live with the misery of constant anger. Thanks faith, good article
------------------ Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged. Rumi IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad Moderator Posts: 1740 From: The Harvest Registered: Mar 2014
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posted September 27, 2014 12:47 AM
quote: Originally posted by juniperb: Your life is yours alone. And you only get one life. Only you can make it happier. You can choose to keep studying and learning about anger and about living more harmoniously. Expect more for yourself. You do not have to live with the misery of constant anger. Thanks faith, good article
Well said, Juni! ------------------ ~the raving one dancing in the nude~ IP: Logged |
juniperb Moderator Posts: 8479 From: Blue Star Kachina Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 27, 2014 11:37 AM
DM, I`d like to take credit for it but thats from Faiths article ------------------ Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged. Rumi IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad Moderator Posts: 1740 From: The Harvest Registered: Mar 2014
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posted September 27, 2014 12:35 PM
quote: Originally posted by juniperb: DM, I`d like to take credit for it but thats from Faiths article
Ooops She said it would be lengthy so I was saving it for later. ------------------ ~the raving one dancing in the nude~ IP: Logged |
juniperb Moderator Posts: 8479 From: Blue Star Kachina Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 27, 2014 12:54 PM
It`s a good read so worth the wait ------------------ Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged. Rumi IP: Logged |
teasel Knowflake Posts: 6401 From: Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 27, 2014 01:18 PM
I think that contempt from others helps to erode it, too. Being treated like you're somebody you're not, or just being on the receiving end of something on a regular basis. I used to be very careful about how I affected others, and I still try, even though it takes a certain amount of patience and positivity - and I can generally feel it coming from a person, even if they don't say anything. It's like they're adding to the daily burden to carry around with you. Positive feelings are warm and relaxing, soft and comforting, or strong depending on who it is and why they're feeling something towards you.It eventually changes you, too - either one can change you, for the better, or the worse. IP: Logged |