Lindaland
  Sweet Peas In The Rain
  Contempt erodes the immune system (Page 1)

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone!
This topic is 2 pages long:   1  2 
next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   Contempt erodes the immune system
Faith
Knowflake

Posts: 8381
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted September 05, 2014 09:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Something to be aware of....

quote:
University of Washington Psychologist John Gottman says he can predict with 95% accuracy whether a marriage will end in divorce within 15 years by microanalyzing a videotape of the pair talking for an hour. His secret is paying attention to the number of times in the conversation the couples participate in what he calls the Four Horsemen:

* Defensiveness: A response like "It's not my fault, it's your fault!" to a real or imagined attack.

* Stonewalling: The silent treatment. This seems to be more common in men than women.

* Criticism: Labeling a partner with a negative trait, such as "You're selfish."

* Contempt: Labeling a partner with a negative trait as if the blamed person is inferior and the criticizer is superior. Contempt is often shown through body language: tone of voice, facial expressions, and body movement. Just a roll of the eyes can signal that someone considers themselves above you.

The fourth danger sign, contempt, is the greatest predictor of divorce. It's the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble. In fact, Gottman reports that having your significant other hold you in disgust is so stressful that it can have a negative effect on your immune system.


Full article here

John Gottman on Anderson Cooper, talking about contempt beginning @ 2 minutes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=625t8Rr9o6o

Cooper: "Why it that [contempt] so toxic?"

Gottman: "He is mocking her...so he is acting superior to her. And not only is contempt our best predictor of divorce...it's also a predictor of how many infectious illnesses his wife is going to have in the next four years. It erodes the immune system."

Cooper: "It erodes the immune system?"

Gottman: "Absolutely."

....

Cooper: "It's amazing to me that something like contempt can have physical repercussions."

Then Gottman provides some of the scientific evidence.

---

Stay away from contempt.

IP: Logged

Yin
Knowflake

Posts: 3410
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 05, 2014 09:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I love reading about Gottman's work.
Contempt is the worst. It poisons your brain and then your heart.
Try being from Eastern Europe and not have contempt, ha!

IP: Logged

Faith
Knowflake

Posts: 8381
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted September 05, 2014 12:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Is it a cultural thing for Eastern Europe? That might explain some things for me.

I'm noticing that I can't be around contempt, I'm really sensitive to it. Also I have to be careful with my kids when they get on my nerves...yes I am in charge, but not superior.

IP: Logged

Lonake
Knowflake

Posts: 9672
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 05, 2014 01:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lonake     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yup! Better to not marry nor stay with someone who doesn't care about your needs and isn't willing to talk things out respectfully. That's just asking for trouble.

It's one of the first things I look at as I'm getting to know a potential romantic partner, are we genuinely respecting each other and how well do we communicate, how do we approach disagreements. I'm so sensitive to any of that going bad, so being in a marriage or LTR with those qualities stated above in conversations just sounds like a living nightmare. (Mercury 7th, Libra Saturn 3rd.)

That's horrible if it does come to the point of affecting a partner's health. So toxic! Better imo to just try to get healthy and leave. That's abuse.

But I imagine partners that get stuck in this sinkhole are both invested in the relationship taking a turn for the worse. Could be active or passive, as mentioned.

Health takes so many forms, as adults we have to be responsible for making sure we get the best care as possible.

IP: Logged

Yin
Knowflake

Posts: 3410
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 05, 2014 03:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
Is it a cultural thing for Eastern Europe? That might explain some things for me.


I think it is, yes.

IP: Logged

BellaFenice
Knowflake

Posts: 1132
From: Pseudo-Leo with a 1st House Stellium
Registered: Sep 2013

posted September 05, 2014 10:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BellaFenice     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

Good find!

IP: Logged

violet7887
Knowflake

Posts: 1598
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted September 05, 2014 11:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for violet7887     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
all those points actually brought up one couple I know.

from my point of view, they are both highly egotistical. It results in them constantly bickering until the silent treatment is brought on. And then of course, the other points. Its been very rocky for them. It is just hard for me to understand why two people who claim to love each other cannot put in a joint effort to communicate their problems as a couple. If a couple lacks open communication that is already the dead end of your relationship. Why be miserable?

This is how the ego is a big part of all this.

IP: Logged

Faith
Knowflake

Posts: 8381
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted September 06, 2014 12:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you for your comments.

It's hard when you love a person who occasionally gets contemptuous. I wonder if there is a way to heal a person of that.

IP: Logged

juniperb
Moderator

Posts: 8479
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 06, 2014 06:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think it was Edgar Cayce who said comtempt is held in the stomach and causes severe pain and can lead to serious issues.

Yin, that`s interesting!

------------------
Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged.
Rumi

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 44914
From: Saturn next to Charmainec
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 09, 2014 08:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Good info.

IP: Logged

teasel
Knowflake

Posts: 6401
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 09, 2014 09:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I had my stomach issues, before feeling any real contempt for anyone. I don't like the feeling when it does hit me, though.

IP: Logged

mercuranian
Knowflake

Posts: 891
From: not here
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 09, 2014 11:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mercuranian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by teasel:
I had my stomach issues, before feeling any real contempt for anyone. I don't like the feeling when it does hit me, though.

maybe you felt the contempt someone held toward you?

IP: Logged

T
Knowflake

Posts: 11039
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 10, 2014 05:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

IP: Logged

teasel
Knowflake

Posts: 6401
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 10, 2014 06:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by mercuranian:
maybe you felt the contempt someone held toward you?

Oh, that has definitely been true for the past few years! I do pick things up from others.

I can think of one person who I felt contempt for - there was an awful lot of hurt involved, on my end. But the thing I'm apparently dealing with, can be associated with migraines - I used to get migraines, and I still deal with dizzy spells on occasion, like all day last Wednesday.

IP: Logged

Ellynlvx
Knowflake

Posts: 10130
From: the Point of Light within the Mind of God
Registered: Aug 2013

posted September 20, 2014 10:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ellynlvx     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think the biggest problem in relationships is when you compete with one another for another persons attention.

That means you are looking outside the partnership for validation, rather than building a union between the two.

This goes for children as well.

When you compete for the child's attention, you are not working as a team to raise the child right, you are looking to the child for confirmation.

This is not a secure position to raise a child from.

Really, it is a major example of what is wrong with our society at large.

IP: Logged

Faith
Knowflake

Posts: 8381
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted September 26, 2014 10:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Excellent article:

So You Love An Angry Person

It is long and thorough. I think the concluding paragraph gives you an idea of the author's clarity and focus:

quote:
You get the life you choose. Keep studying about anger and how it affects you and your loved ones. It is important you keep learning and growing and increasing the options in your life. Your life is yours alone. And you only get one life. Only you can make it happier. You can choose to keep studying and learning about anger and about living more harmoniously. Expect more for yourself. You do not have to live with the misery of constant anger.

IP: Logged

Faith
Knowflake

Posts: 8381
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted September 26, 2014 10:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Faith     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This thread reminds me of one of my all-time favorite songs~

If you don't like what you see
don't look at me.

IP: Logged

Dancing Maenad
Moderator

Posts: 1740
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014

posted September 26, 2014 04:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Yin:

Try being from Eastern Europe and not have contempt, ha!

Sadly, true.

------------------
~the raving one dancing in the nude~

IP: Logged

PixieJane
Moderator

Posts: 5238
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted September 26, 2014 05:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Faith:
Excellent article:

So You Love An Angry Person

It is long and thorough


That's one of the best articles I've seen on the topic! Unlike many articles it draws a difference between healthy and unhealthy anger and also productive and counterproductive behavior inspired by it with a wide range of options to consider.

IP: Logged

juniperb
Moderator

Posts: 8479
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 26, 2014 05:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Your life is yours alone. And you only get one life. Only you can make it happier. You can choose to keep studying and learning about anger and about living more harmoniously. Expect more for yourself. You do not have to live with the misery of constant anger.

Thanks faith, good article

------------------
Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged.
Rumi

IP: Logged

Dancing Maenad
Moderator

Posts: 1740
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014

posted September 27, 2014 12:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by juniperb:
Your life is yours alone. And you only get one life. Only you can make it happier. You can choose to keep studying and learning about anger and about living more harmoniously. Expect more for yourself. You do not have to live with the misery of constant anger.

Thanks faith, good article



Well said, Juni!

------------------
~the raving one dancing in the nude~

IP: Logged

juniperb
Moderator

Posts: 8479
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 27, 2014 11:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
DM, I`d like to take credit for it but thats from Faiths article

------------------
Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged.
Rumi

IP: Logged

Dancing Maenad
Moderator

Posts: 1740
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014

posted September 27, 2014 12:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dancing Maenad     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by juniperb:
DM, I`d like to take credit for it but thats from Faiths article


Ooops She said it would be lengthy so I was saving it for later.

------------------
~the raving one dancing in the nude~

IP: Logged

juniperb
Moderator

Posts: 8479
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 27, 2014 12:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It`s a good read so worth the wait

------------------
Christian, Jew, Muslim, Shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the Mystery, unique and not to be judged.
Rumi

IP: Logged

teasel
Knowflake

Posts: 6401
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 27, 2014 01:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think that contempt from others helps to erode it, too. Being treated like you're somebody you're not, or just being on the receiving end of something on a regular basis. I used to be very careful about how I affected others, and I still try, even though it takes a certain amount of patience and positivity - and I can generally feel it coming from a person, even if they don't say anything. It's like they're adding to the daily burden to carry around with you. Positive feelings are warm and relaxing, soft and comforting, or strong depending on who it is and why they're feeling something towards you.

It eventually changes you, too - either one can change you, for the better, or the worse.

IP: Logged


This topic is 2 pages long:   1  2 

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2000-2014

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a