posted December 03, 2014 09:02 PM            

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Originally posted by socialgraffiti:
I also have depression (which I discovered recently.) Actually, I told her I might be depressed two years ago, and she told me, "I don't think so" and then ignored me afterwards.

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She may actually be right in a sense as I'm reminded of sage advice: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by ******** ."

Or in your case, "not living with an abusive mother." Of course you're depressed! You don't need pills, though, you need to get the hell out of your sitch as the depression is because of your life, not because of a chemical imbalance. (That said, mental illness does tend to be hereditary...should this apply to you and be based on genetics rather than upbringing then make sure your depression isn't actually being bipolar as medication for depression is potentially deadly to one who is bipolar and it's a common mistake.)

Btw, your mom is a classic abuser. Unfortunately it's unlikely you can get any help (and even if you do it might actually turn out to be a cure worse than the disease) so your best bet may be to remain with her with the words that have comforted many kids: "When I'm 18 I'm out the door."

At least you have relatives who give you a hell of a lot of money...think they might be able to help you? Assuming she's not using you as a cash cow ("child support" for her own addictions) then maybe they could even bribe your mom to sign over guardianship (though of course she may fear you giving away secrets though I doubt it's secret from them...people like that tend to come from families like that and they typically know what each other is like in private).

posted December 03, 2014 09:17 PM            

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posted December 04, 2014 01:24 PM            

She was bullied as a child and through middle school, and I'm almost positive that's why she is the way she is. She also suffered from domestic abuse and it just turned off switches in her head. She's a really angry person, yet really sweet and very caring. She'll do anything for anyone even when she knows that she's being taken advantage of. I'm positive that she's bipolar, her anger is just so sudden and comes out of nowhere in full force.

Our relationship turned completely destructive once I turned 16. She threw a phone at me and broke my nose(by far the most humiliating and toughest situation I've dealt with) I've never been choked by her that I remember, but her mental abuse is what pushed me. When I was depressed, we had family counseling and our counselor and doctors diagnosed me, she still brushed it off as if I made it up or pulled it out of my ass. She was also depressed but denied it and I think that's why she gave me such a hard time about it.

What helped me was moving out. I didn't talk to her or anyone in my family for almost 2 years. We talk now but it's not anywhere near the way it should be. My emotional connection with my family feels like it was totally ripped from its hinges and tossed in the trash. I care for them deeply as they are all still my flesh and blood, but it's totally different. Moving out and getting rid of those who hurt me the most helped me become totally dependent on myself. It didn't help that where I moved to I also suffered with more mental and physical abuse(ex boyfriend), but hey it is what it is. I'm grateful for experiencing and living through what I have, as its made me a lot stronger than I thought possible for myself.

I'd go with whatever your heart is telling you to do. If you feel you should wait until college, wait. I would definitely give her as much space as you can. Don't irritate her or you'll make it harder on yourself. I was "mouthy" and loved annoying her growing up and once I learned to control it and did as she asked, the blame was always tossed to her whenever she got upset with me.

posted December 04, 2014 05:24 PM            

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posted December 04, 2014 11:23 PM            

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
She may actually be right in a sense as I'm reminded of sage advice: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by ******** ."

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quote:

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Or in your case, "not living with an abusive mother." Of course you're depressed! You don't need pills, though, you need to get the hell out of your sitch as the depression is because of your life, not because of a chemical imbalance.

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I'm not sure which form I have, but I think I'm more inclined towards manic-depressive. I'll be sure to check it out.

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At least you have relatives who give you a hell of a lot of money...think they might be able to help you?

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All of my relatives live in a different country :/

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Originally posted by shyberry:
goodness...i am so so sorry you have to deal with this. i hope your heart will heal soon. ♥ how is your mother around other family members?

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Thank you :-) My mom tries to act very pleasantly to family members she is not close to. With us, she is also very moody and fickle. I have to stay with my mom for the longest though, so I think I am more sensitive to her behavior.

posted December 04, 2014 11:37 PM            

The important point is that you CAN'T stop it by "being good." The cycle will continue no matter what. Of course abusers will try to make it sound like your fault...I've heard one describe how his dad would beat him and his wife while asking, "Why do you make me do this to you!?" Naturally, no one MADE him do that, he made a conscious choice. Perhaps he was out of control but that's still on him, and the primary reason (or touted to be) for jails and institutions is for adults who can't control themselves (and can be stripped of their adult rights in a court of law, btw, though granted this isn't easy and typically not worth the effort).

Naturally, she doesn't want you to go to a doctor or a shrink as that may expose her. She has less to fear than she thinks but the fear will still plague her, and she may fear being judged harshly even if the state doesn't intervene. (Btw, be aware that if SHE pays for the therapist then the therapist may be a ***** who says whatever she wants to keep the money coming in. Some of them will even advertise, though in a round about way of course.)

posted December 04, 2014 11:38 PM            

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Originally posted by Barbiegirl19:
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. It really breaks my heart when I hear or read about mothers who do this to their children. She sounds soooo much like my mother.

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Oh Our experiences seem so very similar.

My mom also had childhood trauma because her parents went bankrupt so she had to live alone when she was young. I think it made her glorify her childhood and the mother/daughter relationship so she doesn't understand how to put it in perspective.

Like you, my mother is a really sweet and giving person, but her temper is extremely unstable. I used to really adore my mother, but she would ignore me sometimes and if I paid attention to something else she would cling on to me. She seems like a child at times, kind of innocent and lost and I have to 'baby' her or be gentle with her.

And yeah, I most definitely need some distance from my family. I hope it'll get better. I really appreciate you sharing I usually don't either I'm a really private person but I was kind of at a loss after this all happened.

posted December 04, 2014 11:42 PM            

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Originally posted by socialgraffiti:
All of my relatives live in a different country :/

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posted December 04, 2014 11:51 PM            

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Do you want to put up your chart with her?

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I am on the inside, she on the outside.
She has Ceres/Dejanira

posted December 05, 2014 05:19 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by socialgraffiti:
Oh Our experiences seem so very similar.

My mom also had childhood trauma because her parents went bankrupt so she had to live alone when she was young. I think it made her glorify her childhood and the mother/daughter relationship so she doesn't understand how to put it in perspective.

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That makes so much sense. My grandparents divorced but she and her siblings still had and have both parents very involved in their lives, so that wouldn't be a cop out for my mom anyway. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that, I feel bad for your mom too. That is a pretty traumatic thing to have to go through so young.

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Like you, my mother is a really sweet and giving person, but her temper is extremely unstable. I used to really adore my mother, but she would ignore me sometimes and if I paid attention to something else she would cling on to me. She seems like a child at times, kind of innocent and lost and I have to 'baby' her or be gentle with her.

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My mom was the exact same way. It's pretty sad when you really think about it. It didn't help that my mom looked for "love" in the wrong places and from the wrong people. My mom's one of those women that you see in the Lifetime movies that marry jackasses that their family warns them about, gets stuck and instead of moving on like they do at the end of the movie, she just won't let go. She'll take abuse and being used anyday than to be single. My mom's a settler. It's pretty sad and beyond weak, just plain pathetic to me. My mom choices her SO over all else and won't admit although everyone else sees it. People like that in general are very difficult to deal with.

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And yeah, I most definitely need some distance from my family. I hope it'll get better. I really appreciate you sharing I usually don't either I'm a really private person but I was kind of at a loss after this all happened.

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posted December 05, 2014 05:23 PM            

You can stand up for yourself.

That is the classic sign of this and a blessing!

Your mother is a strong Nessus person and Nessus is the asteroid of the abuser.

Is she abusive to everyone.

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posted December 05, 2014 05:24 PM            

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posted December 06, 2014 03:42 AM            

Like PixieJane said, your depression is probably as a result of being abused and even neglected. I am sorry. I wish I could give you a REAL hug! But you are strong, never give up, you will survive this. And when you come out of this, you will be 10x stronger and even more empathetic than ever before. This post-traumatic growth will allow you to develop into a better person. I already can sense you have a good solid head on your shoulders and you won't let this get the best of you and eat at you.

posted December 06, 2014 08:29 PM            

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Originally posted by Barbiegirl19:
My mom's one of those women that you see in the Lifetime movies that marry jackasses that their family warns them about, gets stuck and instead of moving on like they do at the end of the movie, she just won't let go. She'll take abuse and being used anyday than to be single. My mom's a settler.

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!!! My mother's exactly that way. She's only been married once, but she clung to my dad like nothing else. Even though my dad put her through some reaally difficult times (abusive in-laws, moved to a different country without her consent, physical intimidation), she never chose to leave, never chose to get help, never chose to have a life separate from him. She is completely and utterly dependent on him.

I'm not sure if she's that way because she thinks she won't get love from anywhere else or if she's just given up.

quote:

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Originally posted by Barbiegirl19:
Stay strong, it will get better!

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Hey, thank you so much

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Your mother is a strong Nessus person and Nessus is the asteroid of the abuser.

Is she abusive to everyone.

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To a certain extent, she is. Even my sister, who has exalted Moon in Taurus in a grand earth trine, had to deal with her mood swings. I think she had a much better relationship though because my sister is so grounded (I am low on earth)

She's not really close to anyone besides my own family and she sort of reverts her personality to deal with people.

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Originally posted by T:

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quote:

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Originally posted by sweet-scorpion:
Is there any way you can discuss your situation with a social worker at school?

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I have a counselor that I sometimes go to. I asked her for some medication, but I didn't tell her my situation at home.

posted December 07, 2014 07:48 PM            

A friend of mine also reported abuse at home which included a bald patch as her dad had ripped out her hair. His solution? That deep down parents love their children and the two needed to talk it out so tried to call her father...luckily, the phone was down so called her grandparents instead. And I've heard similar horror stories from others. Of course if it brushes the problem under the carpet then so much the better from the school's point of view.

(Come to think of it, I recall an interview of Kiefer Sutherland about his role as the psychopath counselor in the movie Freeway and he said to he mastered his role to come off as so obnoxious pretending to care by hanging around a high school counselor--didn't tell the counselor what the real role was for of course--because he said about every kid in trouble had experience with at least one counselor like that. And he said he found the counselor he used at the very first high school he looked in!)

Plus, your mom pays money to the school in both taxes and services (and probably to businesses that also support the school) as well as being adult (and more able to access the school board) so are automatically inclined to be more sympathetic to her than to you. On top of that your presence brings in tax dollars to the school so they have further interest in keeping you in school (as opposed to sending you to another country, and they may genuinely believe you're blessed to be in America and try to keep you here out of that misguided notion as well).

Not all counselors are like that, but many are, so take precautions if you talk. And think about going to a different counselor if you can...that counselor who almost got my friend killed by his attempt to call her dad to report her allegations (and then have him pick her up) was called an idiot by another counselor and the kids respected that other counselor, but the counselors were divided by grades and the office insisted my friend see the stupid one for her grade...things might have worked out differently had my friend ignored them and gone to the good counselor instead.