posted August 21, 2015 01:59 PM            

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posted August 22, 2015 02:55 PM            

I felt the same way about my grandmother passing three years ago, although she definitely lived a long life. I always get sad around this time of year, because I always think 'what if' the doctors had saved her.

posted August 22, 2015 04:37 PM            

I am very sorry to hear of the sadness that haunts you guys.

I feel sad every day, really. I haven't lost any loved ones, so I know I am so very lucky there, but yeah.

The world makes me sad often. I wish we were wiser, and more empathic, and more connected.

I fear so many things, and I am ashamed of that fear, and then I am sad because I am ashamed.

Damn, didn't mean to whine all over the thread.

posted August 23, 2015 08:42 AM            

Voix

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posted September 05, 2015 04:31 PM              

My mom died 2 months ago, suddenly, at 63 years old, of pneumonia. The whole details of her death are absurd and hard to deal with and accept. It's absurd that she was a nurse and died of pneumonia, that she didn't check herself into the hospital when she found out her diagnosis and that the ambulance doctor wasted precious time with useless procedures instead of starting CPR.

She and I have had problems.. Sure wasn't an easy relationship. I wish we had more time to work through all that, as I had started doing before her death. I wish I had spent more time with her and that I had told her I loved her. I wish I would've forgiven her before she died. I miss her tremendously. Despite our differences, we understood each other. When I have a difficult case at the hospital I feel like reaching out to her to ask her opinion. But.. she's not here anymore. I find it very hard to believe and accept that she's gone for good.

I have feelings that feel very conflicted. I am angry, for sure, at her, at the doctor who couldn't save her, at my dad sometimes because he made our life a living hell. Oddly, a part of me also feels resurrected, like I'm perceiving life more acutely now, both the good and the bad. And another part feels liberated. Let's be honest, she was a very constricting figure in my life, pretty much the one responsible for that huge stick up my butt. Well, the stick is starting to disintegrate, for some reason.

And there are times, like tonight, when there's not much to do except to wait, when I get so in touch with my sadness and the void her loss created. And I just want to howl, internally and externally.

I had plenty of thoughts since she died, mostly on the meaning of life and the principles I live it by. It was particularly challenging for an agnostic to arrange a very christian burial. Religion was one of our subjects of disagreement. She could never accept my views and I couldn't agree to hers. I resented the amount of harm religion does to a person's spirit, basically enslaving it in my opinion and I rejected it vehemently. So here I was trying to pray for her, trying to do all the little (but rather expensive) Christian duties I had to attend to. I felt like a hypocrite. I still think they have no real value but I am still forced to do them. She believed in them...

posted September 05, 2015 11:49 PM            

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posted September 08, 2015 10:39 PM              

It's a constant management. """"
Music somehow seems to help as long as it has heart.

posted September 10, 2015 10:12 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by florence:
Just how mean people are and they are always the ones who *win*

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Yea

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