posted October 16, 2015 01:33 PM            

Some of you know already, because I've shared bits in here.. I lost my Mom 3 months ago, very suddenly. Some of you also know I haven't had the best of relationship with either one of my parents. My father was an alcoholic and abusive, my mother was mostly not there and simply refused to leave him. I never understood why, because she was the financial supporter of the family, my father has been unemployed since I was 12-13 or so. He had his drink and she had her career. I had.. not much. So, that's the background story, in general. 4 years ago I started therapy and I worked mostly on my relationship with my father, I didn't realize I had so much anger for my Mom until a few months before she died. I started to fix things with her, but in my opinion, I didn't finish. But I think I did a good enough job with my father.

I also wrote in here that I am going through some really tough stuff right now, my Mom's death was the first out of many things that simply blew me apart emotionally. I lost my job in September and an aunt of mine (Mom's younger sister) found out she has breast cancer - she had a mastectomy about 2 weeks ago. We're getting psychologically ready for chemo. I'm bringing her a wig tomorrow as she's very concerned about losing her hair. Aside from all that, the tension with my work and money, my bf is ill and recently had a seizure while on the phone with me. We still don't know what illness he has, nobody so far has been able to diagnose him.

So.. in the middle of all of this.. my father called me today to tell me he's seeing someone. I'm just.. I was a bit shocked, though I guess I did anticipate it would happen. I actually know him very well and even told him I am ok with him remarrying if he should meet someone. But I never thought it would happen.. so soon! I understand he is very lonely right now. He told me he's been crying all the time this past week and then he met someone and felt a little better. He assured me he won't have sex with her (TMI, anyone?), but I mean, he might as well do it. It's not about that. It's a bit too soon, in my opinion.

Maybe, I guess, part of me does wish he would suffer. I know that sounds very harsh. It's not because of retribution, even though he made my life and my Mom's a living hell, but I don't think he will understand anything from this experience otherwise. He won't grow. He'll just jump in a relationship and think it's fine. It's not fine and I think he should take time to properly mourn. He's always avoided that, with the help of the friendly bottle. On the other hand, maybe this woman will change him, how should I know?

He's driving tomorrow morning to see her. He called to ask if I'm ok with it. He cried most of the conversation.

I just.. don't know right now. I said yes, I'm ok to see her as friends, spend time with people because I know it's hard to be alone. But he's just too vulnerable right now. And so friggin impulsive. It's how he is, he married my Mom after a month of meeting her. They just started talking on the Internet and then on the phone. He's in his 60s btw, she's in her late 50s. She seems okay, I guess. But really, it's not about her.

posted October 16, 2015 01:53 PM            

This falls into that category for me that it's something that we shouldn't put a rule of thumb to or that sort of thing.
Grieving and love I think are just so unique for everyone.

I usually, not always, move on from things rather quickly.
For various reasons but it's not in relation to how much I cared or loved.
Further, I think it's an individual battle. If they are ready, it should be supported. I don't believe in friends/family holding a person back because they themselves are still grieving. We support each other but each grieves in their own way, in their own time and they should be given total freedom to do so.
That's how I see it.

posted October 16, 2015 09:13 PM            

Of course I'd tell him exactly what I think (that it's too soon because he's not ready and he's likely to hurt himself and someone else by doing so--or be preyed upon while he's vulnerable, see below), but I doubt he'd listen, and after he asked for my thoughts and then rejected it (and possibly flamed me for being honest in which I'd have told him if he doesn't want to know my thoughts and feelings, then don't ask for them) then I'd just shrug and accept that it's outside my control. I know it must sound strange to a lot of people, but my life has become a lot better since I learned how to do this (well, MOST of the time...).

As for him...I'd be worried about this woman. Plenty of dangerous people and emotional vampires haunt internet sites (and even create them!) for people who are grieving to groom victims while they're weak and easily manipulated. By dangerous, I don't mean violent (though that's a possibility), but rather...very, very bad. I'm not in the mood to explain what I'm thinking of. But if your father is being preyed upon by a vampire (metaphorically speaking) who will suck him dry in more ways than one and then leave him behind as she moves on to the next grieving widower, it would not surprise me.

Yeah, yeah, I'm too cynical, I should be positive, it can only happen if you admit to the possibility, ignorance of danger is mystical protection against it, so if I'm right then it's my own fault. But this is how I'd see it.

On a more personable level, my dad, after split from Mom, was seeing someone FAST, technically even before the divorce was finalized (I wonder how much that hurt him in his case--Mom and her lawyers screwed him, but he was so stupid at times that it's hard to feel sorry for him). Though what creeped me out is that she was 19 (I was 14 when I first met her), and having a teenager in the house that Dad was screwing...just, no. It doesn't creep me out today (and I kick myself now for not realizing a very simple solution to my dilemma was to live with Dad on the agreement that he'd send me to live with Granny, which he'd have happily done), but it did back then.

And yet he wasn't like your dad, he was just looking for a toy as far as I can tell. Perhaps it was even in part to rile Mom up the way she was constantly riling him up (but when Mom did it, it was with Scorpio cunning, and getting him to play into her hands--and more importantly, her legal strategy). Your dad, OTOH, is grieving, and probably used to a woman taking care of him as well, so comparing my dad to yours is comparing apples to oranges, but it was still very upsetting to me (and to my then teenage brain, it was all very traumatic and like death).

posted October 17, 2015 09:28 AM            

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posted October 17, 2015 04:42 PM            

I think you're doing the right thing by trying to keep things calm with your dad. But, yes 3 months is too soon. Not so much because of what others say but because he can't possibly be ready for that. A year would be like the minimum to properly process such a loss. Some people never get over it.

posted October 17, 2015 05:24 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Soltze:
Some people never get over it.

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Very true.
There's an older woman at work that I mostly just joke around with. She's just as twisted as I am. LOL
One day, I don't remember how it even came up. But she was telling me about her husband, who apparently worked in the area that I do. He died 14 years ago on the operating table. While she always laughs and jokes with me, she started crying and telling me that it's still hard.

posted October 18, 2015 01:38 PM            

I have a little update: he didn't like her. Which to me means that he wasn't looking for friendship at all, otherwise her physical appearance wouldn't matter. But it did.

This makes me a little angry to be honest. He lied to me. It's not about his loneliness and finding company - it's about *that* sort of company. He wants a relationship, which to me is very disrespectful to my Mother's memory. He embarrassed himself, he posted on that woman's FB wall - love songs, promises that he will fight for her, omg!!

I knew my father was a sexual guy. After all, he barely stopped himself with me. So apparently this is what he's after now?! He's having t-Pluto conjunct Asc. He avoided talking to me, usually he's doing that when he's ashamed. Well, he should be.

posted October 19, 2015 08:51 AM            

I am in the category of people that feels like it should be a very long time, or maybe never. If someone if grieving another person... if isnt fair for the person that passed away or the person they are newly dating. Also I kind of find it disrespectful. As for socially acceptable.... no it is not....

But you said he was an alcoholic, and honestly, people like that will always find ways to run away from their emotions, responsibilities and problems. He sounds like a lost cause. And maybe you need to free yourself from him..

Also its like... he abused her.. and was an alcoholic... and she supported him... the least he could do is respect her! But it isnt really my place to have such a strong opinion... its really up to you to search yourself and see how you feel deep down.

posted October 22, 2015 10:17 AM            

My father passed away. I want my mother to have fun or happiness or relief or whatever that can help lifting her mood. It can be a date, a connection, a new man, trips, church, cute animals...etc... So I don't mind and won't have an opinion on how soon she should start dating.

posted October 22, 2015 04:31 PM            

But the thing is
She will always live on in your heart and your memories
Like that other poster said about the older woman and her deceased husband of 15 years

I know what it's like todo terrible things
That doesn't mean they take place over another in your heart