posted December 20, 2016 11:36 PM            

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
As a general rule, I'd think it would be a good idea to simply say, "I need some time of no contact to get my head together" or some such. Something very simple and that [b]does not imply blame (nor trying to get pity as that would be seen as manipulative even if you're just being honest). This is because otherwise the other person may become worried and seek to make contact or act through other channels to make sure you're okay. And it does seem rude to just simply not tell them you need some time alone hoping they get the idea.

Hopefully she will understand and respect your wishes on this. Not everyone will, but some do. This also assumes a level of maturity on her part, since you don't want to cut her out forever. [/B]

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posted December 26, 2016 08:38 PM            

But then part of me also thinks she isn't emotional support for me anymore, so why should I be for her?

posted December 26, 2016 09:28 PM            

I feel if I experienced a loss she would talk to me at that time also.

posted December 27, 2016 05:12 PM            

She doesn't realize the pain I have been in over the breakup, or the extent of it. She is very logical, rational and compartmentalizes her emotions about things as far as I can tell. I'm not built that way to be honest, emotions are a driving force behind my personality. So when we talked, I just have to keep it brief and my guard up to protect myself.

She has a much larger circle of friends/acquaintances and always has, so I think I have been impacted more in this sense. I'm not the kind of person that knows a ton of people and never have been really, always been close to family/a few friends.

I hate to say this but lately have been wondering if I gained anything from what happened at all. About 3 weeks after ending the 7 year relationship, she sent me an email thanking me for lessons she learned from me about "keeping people that really matter close to her," to be "more thoughtful," and what she learned about relationships in general. I know I learned about life/myself to some degree (things I can do better in my own life) but if anything, I feel set back in life and lost now.

Thank you for your kind words.

posted December 28, 2016 06:30 AM            

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Originally posted by Brendan34:
Hi, thank you very much for your post and your thoughtful words here. She does have many friends to seek support from. I do question her motives in contacting me at points after the breakup. My intuition tells me she still wants me there in some capacity to talk to when she needs it. But that's unfair to me.

She doesn't realize the pain I have been in over the breakup, or the extent of it. She is very logical, rational and compartmentalizes her emotions about things as far as I can tell. I'm not built that way to be honest, emotions are a driving force behind my personality. So when we talked, I just have to keep it brief and my guard up to protect myself.

She has a much larger circle of friends/acquaintances and always has, so I think I have been impacted more in this sense. I'm not the kind of person that knows a ton of people and never have been really, always been close to family/a few friends.

I hate to say this but lately have been wondering if I gained anything from what happened at all. About 3 weeks after ending the 7 year relationship, she sent me an email thanking me for lessons she learned from me about "keeping people that really matter close to her," to be "more thoughtful," and what she learned about relationships in general. I know I learned about life/myself to some degree (things I can do better in my own life) but if anything, I feel set back in life and lost now.

Thank you for your kind words.

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Hi Brendan,
not at all. There's nothing worse than the pain than feeling you are alone with it.
I've known a few people who have the ability to put their pain in little boxes and just carry on.
You know, I'm not convinced it's the healthiest or most complete way to heal. When you are face-to-face with pain and can't run from it, you are already beginning to process it. Putting pain in boxes runs the risk of never going back to open the box and face it, so it may give relief initially, but being unable to get away from it in the first place, yes, you may feel it more deeply and intensely, but every day is another day closer to having made peace with it, even if it doesn't feel like it.

It is very positive that you are looking for lessons learned. Loss can be traumatic, you may find it useful to look at Judith Herman's stages of recovery:

https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/recovery-and-therapy/stages-of-recovery/judith-hermans-stages-of-recovery/

posted December 28, 2016 10:40 PM            

Thank you for your words of comfort and level of understanding. I will read through the link you sent. How are you doing now with everything? Did it take you a long time to come to a better understanding and to a place of acceptance? I guess I'm wondering what it took for you to "let go" as this is something that has been a struggle for me. I can tell myself to consciously but there is a deep part of me that is connected to her and those in my life, and the sadness that comes with missing/memories is hard for me to shake sometimes.

I have wrote down thoughts often and things i want to say just to get it out on paper.

posted December 29, 2016 06:32 AM            

Your personality in general will determine much about how you process pain. If you are in the habit of taking responsibility for everything (which, by the way, can be an attempt to control everything to avoid getting hurt - I have been guilty) then you will carry a much heavier burden, and one that is complicated to unpick.

With regards to those who hurt me, I figured out what was wrong with *them*. Then I identified what *I* was doing to keep myself in pain.

When we have been hurt, it can be safer to stay hurt, because we feel that being hypervigilant and untrusting will protect us from future hurt. In a way, it can, however, we do not selectively tune out just threats, but in this way we also tune out the opportunity to breathe and relax again.

It really does take time. Letting go wasn't something I said I would do an then it happened, it was as a consequence of realising that I could not have changed the course of what happened to me. People were going to make their own decisions anyway. And thinking I could have done it differently, said it differently, acted differently - this all kept me in suffering.
I had to accept the reality - it *did* happen the way it did - no matter the shoulds, coulds, or would haves.

I found Herman's work after I healed and recognised my process in her stages. I went to therapy in the 3rd stage of recovery and worked with an excellent psychologist (not a psychiatrist) who understood trauma who helped me tie everything up and trust again.
During therapy, I did go back into the 2nd stage and hone my personal narrative of what happened. I still carried messages about myself that were wrong. Messages I held onto for fear of being vulnerable again.

If you are struggling with vulnerability, might I suggest a good book? Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown is an excellent book for understanding how what we think is protecting us, is actually limiting us - this realisation can help us free ourselves again. A very common state of affairs after being hurt.

You mentioned PTSD in your OP. The symptoms of loss are very similar. And you have been feeling this way for quite some months. Perhaps you may benefit from therapy (I don't mean medication, however, that is your choice). This type of loss comes with a sense of betrayal and "how can I ever trust anyone again?". Building a strong therapeutic relationship with a therapist can give you the space to work this out in a safe place.

No need to thank me Brendan. These experiences bring people together. My suffering has not been for nothing if I can say at least one helpful thing to someone going through it. This was part of my *finding meaning* in the pain.
A sense of transforming it and using it for good in the world. Once stabilisation is achieved, we can start to see how it was not for nothing.

posted December 30, 2016 04:41 AM            

I identify with what you said, I have been blaming myself since it ended for actions I should have taken in my own life. I am left basically with less of a life constructed for myself because more of my energy was going toward the relationship, I moved to where she lived, was friends with her friends, was planning on finding a job in her area. So now essentially, I am living back at home with my parents (for now) and starting from square one. I am grateful I have a supportive family, but have felt truly lost everyday (to be totally frank) since July.

In your experience, was a period of No Contact helpful? Did you make this clear or did it just happen? Do you have contact now, or no? Thanks again for sharing your story and helpful thoughts here.

I have been talking to a therapist since July but am realizing I may need to consult another one as I don't feel understood truly on an emotional level, which is important to me.

posted December 30, 2016 12:05 PM            

I say this not only because I know your pain on some level (and trust me I do), but also because it's never too late to make a fresh start. And I mean that sincerely.. even if it sounds cliche?

posted January 03, 2017 07:04 AM            

my situation didn't really involve no contact in the same way as yours did, it was enforced upon me. And yes, there was a huge gaping hole in my world as a result of it.

This can make healing and recovery very lonely. You do not have to fill the gap with just anything, despite every fibre in your being telling you you have nothing to hold onto - you do - you just have to remember all you were before. We can get so entangled in relationships and other people, and merge our lives to the point where without them, *I* loses meaning. It will be part of your journey to remember who you are again as an individual, whole, and powerful person.
You can do this. Please try not to be afraid of the space, you will fill it when the time is right, but to avoid this feeling in future, you must try to fill this space with as much that cannot be taken from you as you can. Things that will always be yours and will fulfil you regardless of who is in your life or not.

posted May 15, 2017 03:48 PM            

Initially in late January we worked things out by talking to each other in person a few times, I felt better, there was more clarity. I felt time and space, having a new job for several months gave me some perspective on the responsibility I didn't take on my end of the relationship.

Things had been going well, I felt positive in life again, was moving forward. We had taken trips together, spending time, etc. We were making plans eventually to move in together at some point this year. I felt again I was more communicative in general than she was. Perhaps it's different style of communication, I don't really know.

Last night she needed to see me urgently. I knew it wasn't going to be good. She told me she slept with someone else, that she was "so drunk" she doesn't remember what happened, or how it happened. I asked several questions, remained calm, practical, told her she's not a bad person.

Because I experienced so much grief for many months last year, I just felt numb and was over analyzing, not really tapping into my emotions. Until I got home last night and all today, I've been sick, crying and my body is reacting.

I know the responses people will most likely have, "move on," "not worth it," etc. I realize that maybe this is a sign that we were not meant to be. But I also don't make rash decisions in life because that's not my nature. I'm going to let it sit and keep living my life. I am confused and I know my life is again, forever changed.

I feel this instance, though she claims she has no feelings for this person, that it was a serious mistake, it happened once, she was crying inconsolable, saying she needed to get help for drinking because the past two weekends she doesn't remember what happened. She said stress at work played into it. She "didn't know how it happened," etc.

But the realistic side of me says that it was her reacting to not wanting a future with me, that it was like throwing a final dagger into the relationship. Her reasons to me don't seem like real, deep reasons when it comes to "us."

If I was to talk with her ever again, I would need to hear absolute truth. Obviously something was lacking and in her own words she should be able to communicate this. But who knows.

I feel violently thrown off track again in life and I guess, to be honest, that's why I came back here. I know nothing lasts, nothing stays.

It's difficult to reconcile how positively things were going again in the last four months of our previous 7 year relationship. How happy, warm, safe we felt together. We had many good times, my family noticed it and were happy for me, so were my friends (people who know me best).

It wasn't just in my head either. I know she deeply loved me, had affection for me, but maybe not anymore? Maybe there's a lack of deep respect or love that she cannot put into words because why would you put yourself in a scenario to sleep with someone if you're making plans to eventually live with your long-term boyfriend? And if this happened now, why wouldn't it happen again?

I didn't express my emotions when we met because I didn't know what to feel, I felt numb because I knew I had to process what happened. To be honest, it doesn't come as the biggest surprise, she always hangs out with new people, new groups (and there's always guys in these groups). I have a few close friends, so this is a divide socially. The realistic part of me knows these things and feared for this day.

The emotional part of me wonders the true motivation, which I don't know if I'll ever get. And maybe, sadly, it doesn't matter. Ultimately, it turns into a cliche, and you end up feeling like a cliche also.

Sorry to not sound more positive but it has been a long night/day.

posted May 16, 2017 01:35 AM            

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Originally posted by lalalinda:
Wishing you love and light.

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posted May 17, 2017 11:48 AM            

I am so sorry to hear your news. And after everything getting back on track, this is a tough blow to the heart.
It is not for anyone but you to decide how to deal with this, you must take things at your own pace. We learn many individual lessons in love, and sometimes our behaviour or decisions may seem foolish to others, but these are not their lessons to learn. You have your own path to walk.

On a personal level, I do feel your pain. I have been there. What I will say is that even though I was devastated at the time and really struggled to let go (Mars/Saturn/Pluto, square Venus!!), letting go led me to much fairer lands, both within myself and in my relationships.
I wish with all my heart the same for you when you are ready.

posted May 19, 2017 02:29 PM            

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Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Dear Brendan,

I am so sorry to hear your news. And after everything getting back on track, this is a tough blow to the heart.
It is not for anyone but you to decide how to deal with this, you must take things at your own pace. We learn many individual lessons in love, and sometimes our behaviour or decisions may seem foolish to others, but these are not their lessons to learn. You have your own path to walk.

On a personal level, I do feel your pain. I have been there. What I will say is that even though I was devastated at the time and really struggled to let go (Mars/Saturn/Pluto, square Venus!!), letting go led me to much fairer lands, both within myself and in my relationships.
I wish with all my heart the same for you when you are ready.

Be gentle with yourself.

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posted May 20, 2017 02:44 PM            

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Originally posted by Brendan34:
Thank you for the kind response.

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