Lindaland
  Sweet Peas In The Rain
  Does it get better? (Page 1)

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone!
This topic is 4 pages long:   1  2  3  4 
next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   Does it get better?
Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 12, 2016 12:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've cried everyday since a 7 year relationship ended in July.

I've been talking to a therapist since then too, but feel the format of therapy may not be the right fit for me in the long run. I've tried before but it feels forced and artificial. But will keep trying.

I feel such a deep sense of sadness everyday. I wake up everyday, go to bed every night and any moments I have alone I do not feel like myself. At work today I just started crying randomly several times which is embarrassing and it's good I have a chance to be alone. The problem is I am alone far too often. I am too isolated which may be part of a lingering depression. Many of the friends we had in common, they were all her friends, I moved to where she lived, etc. She always had a lot of people around, whereas I was always a 1 on 1 person, very close to my parents growing up.

What I've been experiencing seems similar to post traumatic stress disorder from what I've read. Not trying to sound dramatic either but everyday I have flashes. memories, things said, outfits she wore, little things, dreams every single night, things we shared from years ago, I remember every single thing.

I keep unintentionally running over the things I know I did wrong in the relationship, and keep wondering if I realized how my behavior contributed to what was happening, would we be together? I have asked myself this everyday since July.

It's like a history of touches is erased and you're left stripped and alone.

When someone is such a part of your life and history, someone who you're so compatible with (same temperament) and feel so warm around, someone who you loved unconditionally, someone you moved your life for and went through so much with, it's like they become a part of your DNA. When they're gone, I feel grey and absent, like I am no longer significant at all. Ultimately I feel meaningless and not in the healthy, humbling sense. I confided in her so much, she was someone who I could really talk to. I have trouble opening up to just anyone.

It's like you develop your own language over years and then you're suddenly left unable to speak. That's how I've felt since the breakup. All the small things that meant so much to you as a couple are rendered blank.

Sorry for the long post, but does this get better in time? I feel as if this piece of me and my personality, my heart is forever gone. Not trying to sound dramatic either, just feeling devastated on an everyday basis and any comments would be appreciated!

All that said, I really just miss her and all the little things we shared.

Thanks for reading.

IP: Logged

headintheclouds91
unregistered
posted December 12, 2016 05:51 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi i am so sorry it ended and that you are hurting but maybe it was for the best? I think with time it will get better.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

“What happens when people open their hearts?"
"They get better.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”
― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.”
― David Richo

“Change, like healing, takes time.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant


“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don't really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way."
― C. JoyBell C.


IP: Logged

Ami Anne
Moderator

Posts: 72133
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted December 12, 2016 09:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

IP: Logged

PixieJane
Moderator

Posts: 9139
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted December 12, 2016 11:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
As a general rule, it gets better at the same amount of time it became so deep. So all in all, it should take you about 7 years to get over it fully, but it should start getting better well before that...but not completely. There's a lot of other factors involved as well.

Sorry to say that you've probably got a long way to go. I have been there, and it was a relief the moment I felt I was truly over it (and to remember the relationship in a way that didn't generate grief and anger), but that was years later. And that's despite all the mutables in my chart.

IP: Logged

charlie
Knowflake

Posts: 4340
From:
Registered: Jun 2012

posted December 12, 2016 11:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The feelings of sadness will subside and most likely vanish altogether but having said that, it's not unheard of that people who truly loved and had their heart broken, actually moved away from the place where reminders existed. If this is not an option for you, you shouldn't panic about feeling low. It's OK to be sad!! Actually, when I am sad I make myself even more sad any which way I can Sad music, sad movies, sad books and sad-everything. After a while I feel so pathetic I want to laugh at myself.
We all have a place in our hearts for "that someone" but when all the hurt is gone what is left is usually nice memories that will always be with you.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 12, 2016 01:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you for the thoughtful replies here. I appreciate it.

IP: Logged

Ann7
Knowflake

Posts: 909
From: united states
Registered: May 2009

posted December 12, 2016 07:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ann7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
As a general rule, it gets better at the same amount of time it became so deep. So all in all, it should take you about 7 years to get over it fully, but it should start getting better well before that...but not completely. There's a lot of other factors involved as well.

Sorry to say that you've probably got a long way to go. I have been there, and it was a relief the moment I felt I was truly over it (and to remember the relationship in a way that didn't generate grief and anger), but that was years later. And that's despite all the mutables in my chart.


This is true for me as well with my first love. I cried on and off for years over the loss (and I'm the one that ended it). I know it probably doesn't help hearing this at the moment but, eventually, things will get better for you and you will grow stronger because of it.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 12, 2016 08:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ann7:
This is true for me as well with my first love. I cried on and off for years over the loss (and I'm the one that ended it). I know it probably doesn't help hearing this at the moment but, eventually, things will get better for you and you will grow stronger because of it.


Thank you for the reply Ann. Did it take moving or meeting someone else (eventually) or a change of some sort for you to get through that time period and move on?

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 12, 2016 08:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by charlie:
The feelings of sadness will subside and most likely vanish altogether but having said that, it's not unheard of that people who truly loved and had their heart broken, actually moved away from the place where reminders existed. If this is not an option for you, you shouldn't panic about feeling low. It's OK to be sad!! Actually, when I am sad I make myself even more sad any which way I can Sad music, sad movies, sad books and sad-everything. After a while I feel so pathetic I want to laugh at myself.
We all have a place in our hearts for "that someone" but when all the hurt is gone what is left is usually nice memories that will always be with you.

I know exactly what you mean. I have been looking into jobs elsewhere and considering moving as I feel it would be a positive step for me right now, especially socially and being in my small hometown which I've outgrown. I would feel encouraged probably to move and experience somewhere new. Thank you for your post.

IP: Logged

hypatia238
Moderator

Posts: 7645
From: Mercury novile and parallel Pluto, Pluto septile Southnode
Registered: Sep 2014

posted December 12, 2016 08:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hypatia238     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Brendan34:
I've cried everyday since a 7 year relationship ended in July.

I've been talking to a therapist since then too, but feel the format of therapy may not be the right fit for me in the long run. I've tried before but it feels forced and artificial. But will keep trying.

I feel such a deep sense of sadness everyday. I wake up everyday, go to bed every night and any moments I have alone I do not feel like myself. At work today I just started crying randomly several times which is embarrassing and it's good I have a chance to be alone. The problem is I am alone far too often. I am too isolated which may be part of a lingering depression. Many of the friends we had in common, they were all her friends, I moved to where she lived, etc. She always had a lot of people around, whereas I was always a 1 on 1 person, very close to my parents growing up.

What I've been experiencing seems similar to post traumatic stress disorder from what I've read. Not trying to sound dramatic either but everyday I have flashes. memories, things said, outfits she wore, little things, dreams every single night, things we shared from years ago, I remember every single thing.

I keep unintentionally running over the things I know I did wrong in the relationship, and keep wondering if I realized how my behavior contributed to what was happening, would we be together? I have asked myself this everyday since July.

It's like a history of touches is erased and you're left stripped and alone.

When someone is such a part of your life and history, someone who you're so compatible with (same temperament) and feel so warm around, someone who you loved unconditionally, someone you moved your life for and went through so much with, it's like they become a part of your DNA. When they're gone, I feel grey and absent, like I am no longer significant at all. Ultimately I feel meaningless and not in the healthy, humbling sense. I confided in her so much, she was someone who I could really talk to. I have trouble opening up to just anyone.

It's like you develop your own language over years and then your suddenly left unable to speak. That's how I've felt since the breakup. All the small things that meant so much to you as a couple are rendered blank.

Sorry for the long post, but does this get better in time? I feel as if this piece of me and my personality, my heart is forever gone. Not trying to sound dramatic either, just feeling devastated on an everyday basis and any comments would be appreciated!

All that said, I really just miss her and all the little things we shared.

Thanks for reading.


I have personally experienced the kind of heart break you speak of and its horrible and you think it will never get better but eventually it does. Its a type of trauma yes indeed and PTSD can involve the loss of a loved one, sometimes a break up feels like the death of someone you were one with and every cell of your body aches, you feel like you are dying.

Time is your friend and things will eventually get better. If I could turn back time and handle that break up in a healthier way I would, I handled it soo poorly. I would practice radical acceptance and stop holding on to something I can't change and let go. Letting go was so hard for me as well as radical acceptance but it was also a very important lesson in my life that I needed to learn. Embracing the way things have worked out and having faith that is for your higher good even though you can't understand it right now is part of it as well as not trying to change the outcome and accepting it truly and then letting go; once you do this you will be free and no longer be in a constant state of torment of your own doing. If I can overcome it and do something positive with that pain so can you! Things will eventually feel normal again and look up again.

Side note: If you feel your therapy sessions are forced love, then shop around for other therapists as you haven't found the right fit for you.

IP: Logged

Ann7
Knowflake

Posts: 909
From: united states
Registered: May 2009

posted December 12, 2016 08:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ann7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Brendan34:
Thank you for the reply Ann. Did it take moving or meeting someone else (eventually) or a change of some sort for you to get through that time period and move on?

It took time.

I started dating right away after the split and went through a couple of LTR's, even a second husband. Somewhere along the line I just got over it. I still love him (he is my first love, the father of my oldest and was my partner in crime from the ages of 18-25) but I am not -in- love with him any more and quite honestly I am relieved that we didn't stay together. We grew into very different people and I don't think I would be a happy person today if we had stayed married.

I promise that it gets easier.

IP: Logged

headintheclouds91
unregistered
posted December 12, 2016 08:25 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by hypatia238:
I have personally experienced the kind of heart break you speak of and its horrible and you think it will never get better but eventually it does. Its a type of trauma yes indeed and PTSD can involve the loss of a loved one, sometimes a break up feels like the death of someone you were one with and every cell of your body aches, you feel like you are dying.

Time is your friend and things will eventually get better. If I could turn back time and handle that break up in a healthier way I would, I handled it soo poorly. I would practice radical acceptance and stop holding on something I can't change and let go. Letting go was so hard for me as well as radical acceptance but it was also a very important lesson in my life that I needed to learn. Embracing the way things have worked out and having faith that is for your higher good even though you can't understand it right now is part of it as well as not trying to change the outcome and accepting it truly and then letting go; once you do this you will be free and no longer be in a constant state of torment of your own doing. If I can overcome it and do something positive with that pain so can you! Things will eventually feel normal again and look up again.

Side note: If you feel your therapy sessions are forced love, then shop around for other therapists as you haven't found the right fit for you.



IP: Logged

Voix_de_la_Mer
Moderator

Posts: 2568
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011

posted December 12, 2016 08:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Voix_de_la_Mer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Brendan,

I'm so sorry your relationship ended, causing you so much pain. You have been very brave bringing this here and reaching out for others' experiences, and I sincerely commend you for that, it's not an easy thing to expose our vulnerability in this way, and it fares well for your healing.

I haven't felt this pain in particular myself. I have known other forms of devastation though, deep dark places I never thought I would escape from. But I did. And you can too. There's no magical formula other than allowing yourself to feel what you feel. If you don't feel safe, please tell someone. In the meantime, it can sometimes be helpful to imagine that you are taking care of a friend who has lost someone, and treat yourself with the same compassion and regard as you would that friend. A creative outlet can help with the emotions, writing, drawing dancing, painting, crafting, photographing - anything that you can transform your emotions into that is separate from yourself.

Thank you for the courage you've shown here Brendan.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 12, 2016 09:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by hypatia238:
I have personally experienced the kind of heart break you speak of and its horrible and you think it will never get better but eventually it does. Its a type of trauma yes indeed and PTSD can involve the loss of a loved one, sometimes a break up feels like the death of someone you were one with and every cell of your body aches, you feel like you are dying.

Time is your friend and things will eventually get better. If I could turn back time and handle that break up in a healthier way I would, I handled it soo poorly. I would practice radical acceptance and stop holding on to something I can't change and let go. Letting go was so hard for me as well as radical acceptance but it was also a very important lesson in my life that I needed to learn. Embracing the way things have worked out and having faith that is for your higher good even though you can't understand it right now is part of it as well as not trying to change the outcome and accepting it truly and then letting go; once you do this you will be free and no longer be in a constant state of torment of your own doing. If I can overcome it and do something positive with that pain so can you! Things will eventually feel normal again and look up again.

Side note: If you feel your therapy sessions are forced love, then shop around for other therapists as you haven't found the right fit for you.


Thank you so much for your helpful words. If you can answer, was it time that helped you to finally let go? Did this take you years? Or was it a number of things?

Thanks for thoughtful advice and being open with your experience, sharing your story here.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 12, 2016 10:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ann7:
It took time.

I started dating right away after the split and went through a couple of LTR's, even a second husband. Somewhere along the line I just got over it. I still love him (he is my first love, the father of my oldest and was my partner in crime from the ages of 18-25) but I am not -in- love with him any more and quite honestly I am relieved that we didn't stay together. We grew into very different people and I don't think I would be a happy person today if we had stayed married.

I promise that it gets easier.


Thanks again Ann. Growing apart happens to many people, we can never predict how we grow and change through life experiences. I guess the key is being willing to grow together. This happened in my relationship, I feel she felt "held back" due to me taking longer to finish school, find a job and because of a health issue I went through in the last several years.

Just curious, is No Contact the best option for recovering?

IP: Logged

PixieJane
Moderator

Posts: 9139
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted December 12, 2016 10:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Brendan34:
Just curious, is No Contact the best option for recovering?

That depends.

But as a general rule, if you don't think you can be around said person without saying something hurtful (because you're hurting) that will just add to your pain and regret (both what you said/did, and what that provoked), trying to hold on to something that isn't there, or would get jealous over said person finding someone new (or said person getting jealous over you--btw, please don't use people to make the other jealous, I know some--too many--people do this with no thought for the people they're using, but it's a really crappy thing to do, not only to the person you're trying to hurt, but to the person you're using to hurt the other person), then it does strike me as a good idea to limit, even cut off, contact. 'Course that's not always possible.

IP: Logged

Orange
Knowflake

Posts: 6901
From: Georgia
Registered: May 2009

posted December 12, 2016 10:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Orange     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by charlie:
The feelings of sadness will subside and most likely vanish altogether but having said that, it's not unheard of that people who truly loved and had their heart broken, actually moved away from the place where reminders existed. If this is not an option for you, you shouldn't panic about feeling low. It's OK to be sad!! Actually, when I am sad I make myself even more sad any which way I can Sad music, sad movies, sad books and sad-everything. After a while I feel so pathetic I want to laugh at myself.
We all have a place in our hearts for "that someone" but when all the hurt is gone what is left is usually nice memories that will always be with you.


I sooooo relate to that

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 13, 2016 02:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Hi Brendan,

I'm so sorry your relationship ended, causing you so much pain. You have been very brave bringing this here and reaching out for others' experiences, and I sincerely commend you for that, it's not an easy thing to expose our vulnerability in this way, and it fares well for your healing.

I haven't felt this pain in particular myself. I have known other forms of devastation though, deep dark places I never thought I would escape from. But I did. And you can too. There's no magical formula other than allowing yourself to feel what you feel. If you don't feel safe, please tell someone. In the meantime, it can sometimes be helpful to imagine that you are taking care of a friend who has lost someone, and treat yourself with the same compassion and regard as you would that friend. A creative outlet can help with the emotions, writing, drawing dancing, painting, crafting, photographing - anything that you can transform your emotions into that is separate from yourself.

Thank you for the courage you've shown here Brendan.


Thank you for your sensitive and heartfelt words here. I have been exercising often and finding creative outlets and need to do this more actually. It can be a great outlet and way to channel the emotions. Thank you for input and being so understanding, gracious in your response.

I truly appreciate everyone's responses in this thread and it gives you strength when people truly empathize.

IP: Logged

Voix_de_la_Mer
Moderator

Posts: 2568
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011

posted December 13, 2016 09:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Voix_de_la_Mer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Brendan34:
Thank you for your sensitive and heartfelt words here. I have been exercising often and finding creative outlets and need to do this more actually. It can be a great outlet and way to channel the emotions. Thank you for input and being so understanding, gracious in your response.

I truly appreciate everyone's responses in this thread and it gives you strength when people truly empathize.


Yes, you are not alone Brendan, share as much as you need to.

IP: Logged

Ann7
Knowflake

Posts: 909
From: united states
Registered: May 2009

posted December 13, 2016 01:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ann7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Brendan34:

Just curious, is No Contact the best option for recovering?

Each situation is organic but, maybe for now, no contact might be the best (?)

Maybe give her space and see what happens in regards to how both of you feel.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 13, 2016 06:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Ann7:
Each situation is organic but, maybe for now, no contact might be the best (?)

Maybe give her space and see what happens in regards to how both of you feel.


Yes, this is what I have done. She has reached out to me more through calls and texts. I have not initiated contact in the past couple months at all. It's odd to me that she wanted to be "friends" right away, as we were breaking up (after 7 years). I just don't find that realistic or respecting the nature of what a relationship entailed for both individuals.

She reached out to meet recently which I agreed to and prepared myself for mentally but the day of, she was with other friends and couldn't fit me in so to speak. She texted me at 3 am the night before asking if I wanted to meet her and her friends at a bar which I did not reply to. I took this as a sign, even though it's been difficult I decided on no contact right now. We are much different emotionally apparently and how we view what the relationship was.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 15, 2016 01:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
For those who were in a long term relationship that ended, is crying at some point every day normal after 5-6 months? Thanks.

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 86857
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 16, 2016 08:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It's unusual, but there's no normal.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 477
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted December 20, 2016 07:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Do you tell the person you're going "no contact" or not? Looking for any opinions. She contacted me to meet again after the time where she was in my area with friends and couldn't fit me in to meet.

But I did not respond again and have not had contact in two weeks. I was planning on no contact for a month but also don't want to give the impression I never want to talk again.

IP: Logged

PixieJane
Moderator

Posts: 9139
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted December 20, 2016 10:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
As a general rule, I'd think it would be a good idea to simply say, "I need some time of no contact to get my head together" or some such. Something very simple and that does not imply blame (nor trying to get pity as that would be seen as manipulative even if you're just being honest). This is because otherwise the other person may become worried and seek to make contact or act through other channels to make sure you're okay. And it does seem rude to just simply not tell them you need some time alone hoping they get the idea.

Hopefully she will understand and respect your wishes on this. Not everyone will, but some do. This also assumes a level of maturity on her part, since you don't want to cut her out forever.

IP: Logged


This topic is 4 pages long:   1  2  3  4 

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2000-2017

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a