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Author Topic:   Ending it
Radium
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Posts: 298
From:
Registered: Jul 2016

posted March 07, 2017 12:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Radium     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I hate everyone. My family, my "friends", and this world is not welcoming to a man like me.

I'm all alone. No help. I have no stability. I am at the end of my rope, I am at wit's end. This vindictive and broken heart of mine wants nothing to do with this planet anymore. It kills me to say these things because I love humanity and I seem to be much too complex for this stupid place. It wouldn't appreciate my talents, passions or progressive ideals. YOU CAN KEEP THIS ******* PLANET. AND KEEP THIS BOGUS ASS WORLD BECAUSE NONE OF YOU CARE. THE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE POWER THE MOST ARE THE ONES THAT GO THROUGH THE MOST **** .

In the grand scheme of things everything is pointless. There is no hope for another revolution anymore. Everything is manufactured and programmed. I despise everything, and now everyone. IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER AND I'M TIRED OF HEARING IT WILL.

Thank you for giving me a place for me to unleash my neurotic, self-sabotaging, depressive and manic tendencies. This ******* world doesn't deserve anyone like me, or anyone great anymore. Keep all your **** . Keep ******* everything. It's worthless and the universe is boring. I want to blow my brains out with a .45

I want to hang myself by the neck 10x over
I wish I could jump off a bridge
I want money so I can end my life and pain
I am lonely and unwanted
If your not making a lot of money you are nothing

I am nothing
I am a blissful bag of bloody thorns

**** everything and **** my legacy

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DannyCappy
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Posts: 490
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Registered: Jan 2016

posted March 07, 2017 12:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DannyCappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I feel all broke too and suicidal.Even the slight comment/situation lately send to the edge.Take a deep breath my friend it is the only thing keeping me in check to not make somethig stupid.

I hope you feel better soon.You're so intelligent,I see your posts from time to time.By the way no one needs to appreciate your talents,you know your value! so many talented people ain't appreciated.MILLIONS!
In my country the music is ****** they not even good singers and the songs are "my dick loves you" kind of stuff,not something to be proud hahahaha while the people that compose amazing songs are treated like trash.

Please don't quote

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Voix_de_la_Mer
Moderator

Posts: 2337
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011

posted March 07, 2017 12:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Voix_de_la_Mer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dear Radium,

Am I correct in saying that you are a musician?
I am too.
It is a tough world for musicians and yeah, they have been overprocessing and manufacturing music for a while now.
This world stinks of pretentiousness.

This is why we need you. You see through the veil and you are heart sick of it.
If I may say, the revolution is within you and your life. Start a personal revolution in your life. Refuse to conform. Pursue your dreams and sing your songs anyway.

The biggest revolution is to LIVE ANYWAY in a world that seeks to destroy authenticity.
Drive your sadness and pain and anger into the music. Take it onto the streets and shake the ground with its passion.

But please live. We need you.

If you feel you are going to take your life , REBEL against the sickness in society and present at a hospital and get safety. Then return to us and sing your songs.
I'll be singing mine.

You matter so much. Please get safe if you can't go on. Let us know how you are doing.

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Sylven
Knowflake

Posts: 775
From: Netherlands
Registered: Nov 2014

posted March 07, 2017 12:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sylven     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I CARE!!
Even if you weren't talented, intelligent, pretty, ugly or sweet, or not sweet or whatever things you should or should not be, you are an amazing human being!! Unique and awesome!!
I CARE! I care about everyone, stranger or no stranger!! You are part of us!! Killing yourself feels like the best thing to do but it isn't!! And you know it. I wish I could speak to you in person fellow Aqua Moon and tender Pisces!! Connect with yourself, your own inner beauty, centre yourself in your own power.
I cannot judge from a distance without much info, why you feel this way. I have a strong feeling it is because the lonely feeling comes from lack of connection with yourself. I don't have the right words right now and they are words. I hope you feel my sincere energy and that of so many others on here!!

HUGS!! Do you allow this? Do you allow the love in?

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Sylven
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Posts: 775
From: Netherlands
Registered: Nov 2014

posted March 07, 2017 12:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sylven     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
DannyCappy, the words and love to you too!!!! It hurts me when you hurt!

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Radium
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Posts: 298
From:
Registered: Jul 2016

posted March 07, 2017 01:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Radium     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
http://astrofix.net/2011/12/16/saturnic-aspects/

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TensionEmpire
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Posts: 803
From: Hamburg
Registered: Sep 2014

posted March 07, 2017 01:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TensionEmpire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
We need heros

To be a hero is opportunity
to take aktion is decision

They say there are heros coming now in the age of aquarius, or that the heroic man will be of valor again.

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DannyCappy
Knowflake

Posts: 490
From:
Registered: Jan 2016

posted March 07, 2017 02:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DannyCappy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Sylven:
DannyCappy, the words and love to you too!!!! It hurts me when you hurt!

Thanks ❤❤❤
I think what you said to radium makes sense.Because I feel loved by others yet I feel utterly alone and feel like no one understand me.EVER.

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anonymidarkness
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Posts: 5800
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posted March 07, 2017 02:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for anonymidarkness     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Wait. This too shall pass.

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girlwiththerainysoul
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Posts: 1120
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posted March 07, 2017 02:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for girlwiththerainysoul     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Radium:
http://astrofix.net/2011/12/16/saturnic-aspects/

I remember when I had transit saturn in my 4th in 2013, it was the hardest year of my life so far..saturn was in my 4th for around a year before that, but I felt the worse when it started to go retrograde closer to the IC..all I could think about was death and leaving everything behind...sometimes I wish I'd known astrology back then so I could have figured out that it wouldn't stay..I honestly thought I would never get well..you have a bonus though, you know astrology so you know the source of your struggles..maybe try to feel more of your jupiter (its house and sign)?

I know exactly how you're feeling, being over it all..but let me tell you, that it will pass..it's always the darkest only right before the sunrise...

you need to find the light and strenght in yourself, and in the higher power...the majority of people in this world are very ignorant, as if they're in a deadly sleep, and they won't wake up till the end of their life, so it's not really worth living for them...forgive yourself, love yourself and the world becomes brighter...I know these words may mean nothing to you when you're feeling this dark, but please stay for longer, it will be very hard, but it will pass, and you'll come out of this much stronger and wiser

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Radium
Knowflake

Posts: 298
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Registered: Jul 2016

posted March 07, 2017 02:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Radium     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@girlwitharainysoul

I have Saturn in 4th natally squaring my Pluto, conjunct my Sun and squaring my Jupiter. It is trine my ASC but what good does that do?

I bring this up because this will never "pass" for me. It is apart of my life. In my progressed chart is is getting closer and closer to my IC and also opposing my MC. I am afraid I will be dying very soon. This is just how it has to be. When I get my hands on something that can end my life quickly (such as a gun) that'll be it for me. Because everything is working against me and I am not MEANT to have a normal "good" life. Everything I know is fighting me, has the wrong opinion of me, betrays me, hurts me, and all for what..? My mom for some reason thinks I'm some insane drug addict with no awareness because she kicked me out and expected me to not be stressed out from living on the streets with no help or hope. I don't get her stupid way of thinking and she is the primary reason I want to blow my head off. To make a statement that she's a ******* idiot and obviously doesn't deserve a son like me. I remember her telling me she wish she never had me and that I was beneath her. Talk about evil. I want to crush her. I hate my family. I hate I have bad luck. I am meant to die and this will happen when I finds the means to end it with 100% no backfire.

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girlwiththerainysoul
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posted March 07, 2017 02:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for girlwiththerainysoul     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
no i don't think it will help either with those natal aspects, they might be why you're feeling this harder, but you'll also get a better reward if you fight this

if you happen to kill yourself, it's actually the same as handing that gun to your mother and asking her to shoot you..do you want to give her that power? if you want to hurt her by killing yourself, it won't work...you can instead stay, follow your dreams and prove her wrong

after all these words, I strongly ask of you to call emergency numbers for suicidal help, they can help you, be sure of that

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Radium
Knowflake

Posts: 298
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Registered: Jul 2016

posted March 07, 2017 03:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Radium     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How can I prove her wrong when I can't even get a job at McDonald's because my License is expired. I am eating at a homeless shelter. I don't have a car. No house. Only some talent and a mind slowly swaying off the rocker.

I wish you all could spend one hour in my shoes, one hour. And you will be in awe I'm not already dead. It's easy for you to say it'll pass, or be strong. I've been strong long enough. I am sick of it. Nothing is changing. I want to lose my charm, I don't even want to be confident anymore. It gets me nowhere. I end up with pain. There is no reason for me to happy anymore so I choose not to waste the energy. Until I get some stability I won't be happy ever again. I am going to die anyways so why not do it at a young age.

How can I have so much ambition, intelligence, and passion and still be stuck. I obviously need stability help, not mental help, that won't help my situation. I had a great job lined up and now I can't get it because my License expired. I am furious. I live away from any means of support. I am a legit punk. At least when you went through your trials you had a roof over your head and food to eat, possibly some transportation. I don't have the basic tools to just ******* live. I cannot take it. There is nothing anyone can say to change my mind anymore. Nothing. If I had a gun right now I would kill myself. I am so, so, so serious. I do not care because the world does not care about me. I am nothing but a waste of space. Everyone else can get help but not me. I am done with it. Done.

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MoonMystic
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Posts: 148
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Registered: Nov 2016

posted March 07, 2017 03:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonMystic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I feel for you. I truly do. But things with this world come in waves. We have darkness to embrace light and bitter to enjoy sweet. I know, no words can help. Your feelings are powerful. I too spent my life with harsh aspects. (Currently my life has been ridiculously harsh) reality has been tough too. Jupiter opposes my Saturn @ 2° (4H)
We (LLers) do care. You are important and express yoyrself differently, which is fabulous because a cookie cutter Earth is so blasė! Please just concentrate on things, people you care for. Think of things in this world that need you, those things you know in your core you have to share snd have yet to deliver those bigger gifts within you. Being an artist, pain is a dark gift. Only those who know pain can transform it to something truly beautiful. Please don't give up.
Sending
Much love and compassion your way.

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Sylven
Knowflake

Posts: 775
From: Netherlands
Registered: Nov 2014

posted March 07, 2017 03:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sylven     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Please read this!

http://theastrologyplacemembership.com/2012/12/saturn-pluto-aspects/

Step into your power. If someone can do it it's you! Especially with your sun/saturn conjunction!

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Selenite
Knowflake

Posts: 1397
From: Lyra
Registered: Aug 2013

posted March 07, 2017 03:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Selenite     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Radium, don't end it. How can you get your license renewed? Where do you have to go? Can we send you money so you can take a car there? How are you using a computer, can you set up a gofundme?

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Radium
Knowflake

Posts: 298
From:
Registered: Jul 2016

posted March 07, 2017 05:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Radium     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
@Sele

Well I'm using my phone right now.
But I live in a state that's different from my license, and if I want to get it renewed or even get an ID, I need my original birth certificate.

My mom has it and refuses to even send me a copy. (This is why I get frustrated with her) she makes a lot of things in my life harder than they need to be..

If I can get a bus ticket back home which is only about $70 I can go back and get my documents (I'm legally allowed to have them) then renew my ID there and work for the time being. By the looks of it, that won't be happening though. I really don't even like my hometown and if I'm going to be homeless I'd rather be homeless in a city. I am just VERY irritated because I get jobs easily and there's always some petty bull crap interfering. I don't think there are any jobs I can get with an expired out-of-state license. I really wish I could just focus on my music but I had to sell my one-and-only guitar.

If you actually want to help me that would be pretty sick I don't have a gofundme but I have a Paypal. I don't know how I'd feel accepting money from anyone though. I can give you my email though if you're serious.

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Selenite
Knowflake

Posts: 1397
From: Lyra
Registered: Aug 2013

posted March 07, 2017 07:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Selenite     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh man that's so annoying :/ Honestly I'm pretty broke and could only give you $20, but if you think it will help then I'd be glad to give it to you.. Sorry I didn't mean to make it seem like I could help you significantly but I thought it would be like a cab ride away or something like that.
It sounds like you should try to get your birth certificate though. It's stupid of course but if it means getting one step closer to focusing on your music then you should try..

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Ami Anne
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Posts: 71263
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted March 07, 2017 07:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I must have put my comment on the wrong thread. I was on my phone. I cam help you out with the bus ticket, radium xx

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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mirage29
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Posts: 7290
From: us
Registered: May 2012

posted March 07, 2017 07:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Radium! ... Man, what a terrible thing to happen. Your mom is a ***** for handling it the way she did. I'm soooo sorry.

You're going through the shockwaves of this right now. You hang on.... let it explode out of you, doing NO harm to self or others or property (so you avoid trouble with the law, as much as possible).

Yes you're "a MAN" and BRAVO! And I think you're going make it through all this **** , in BETTER form than EVER.

I like what Doux said--- FUNNEL it. Write lyrics for the songs you'll Create.

Maybe in a while, you'll have a place to stay and a guitar again.

HOMELESSNESS....

AT and around the shelters.

There SHOULD be some counselors (non-mental health) that you'll find AVAILABLE to you. Maybe in a week or so, or when the dust settles more for you, you'll be able to identify where and how to get help.

At these soup kitchen places, or Salvation Army kind of places, there SHOULD be Homelessness Coalition type Counselors available to help you with things like
getting your birth certificate
getting a renewed license for the state you wish to declare as domicile?

The Goodwill Centers are more than just used clothing places. Some of them have back offices that have legal help.

Some legal help should also be available to you through the Homelessness programs.

There are WORK programs that you can be directed towards, where they help you with even where you can live, and putting resume together. Really, the license problem you have may be easily rectified BY some of these work-counselors.

AVOID the mental health people as much as you can... except for a small amount of emergency-type situations? YOU can do this. DON'T get "sucked in" to the vortex. Get the immediate help you need, then, make (clean) Friends (not with drugs or alcohol), and RELY on EACH OTHER to help MH counsel each other.... I'm telling you, AVOID the complications of BAD MH agencies.

And! There ARE VERY GOOD MH counselor around. But you'll LEARN who they are, by word of mouth. AVOID getting stigmatized by a bad MH label. It could HAUNT you.

But, YOU know your own self. If you have that feeling that you MAY be mentally ill, then BY ALL MEANS, Go Ahead and GET the (chemicalized-restraints) kind of help they will give you.

MY advice, after you've cooled a bit, which you seem to be now after the first rocking SHOCKS that you've had (...really man, I am SOOOO bummed for you, that REALLY wasn't fair)-- is to

1) Be Respectful of whatever Authority Figure you encounter right now.

LEARN the dynamics of the social environment you are in now. There are street rules to learn. If you WATCH and observe MORE, you'll SEE who is helpful and who is not. Sometimes, the ones that first befriend you?, be careful of. You need your spidey senses. Watch. Observe. There's a power dynamic you have to 'learn'.

BEING RESPECTFUL, (and taking a few unfair twists and turns in the beginning), may earn YOU Respect from the hierarchies. If you gain a good and respected reputation (allow some things to 'slide'...) you will be AHEAD of the game in the long run.

PLEASE, as much as you can, learn some anger management. Funnel.

The BEST REVENGE is ALWAYS to Live, and to become an INCREDIBLE ******* SUCCESS!!!! You read me????

NEVER ******* GIVE UP, Dude! DECIDE IT.

Like you say (and I AGREE with you)---
you're too ******* Awesome to die!!!!

This WORLD ******* needs people, (future Leaders) like you!!!

Consider this shock as an initiation! Consider this as your Boot Camp training for the Leadership role you 'feel' inside you? You HAVE to learn to be the grunt. You learn the ropes. People ARE observing you (whether YOU realize it or not-- they 'watch'). BE A ROLE MODEL. SERIOUSLY.

The BEAUTIFUL part of your Life that DOES lay ahead of you. You might be blind to it right now?, but it WILL STILL Draw you straight TO it.

We Believe in you Radium!!!!! You Rock.

(If you say what area you want to be in, I can draw up and post some urls of helping-places I can find for you? SERIOUSLY, YOU WILL be okay. I Promise. There IS help for Young Bold Courageous Beautiful Musical Souls, such as your self.)

*no whole quote*

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Selenite
Knowflake

Posts: 1397
From: Lyra
Registered: Aug 2013

posted March 07, 2017 07:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Selenite     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Another thing is that there are probably people who would hire you under the table, especially restaurants or other privately owned businesses.. like my current job. I think the license will help you in the long run but if you don't want to do that right now then it's not your only hope either.

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hypatia238
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Posts: 6489
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posted March 07, 2017 07:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hypatia238     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Your worth is not measured by what you make. Your worth is measured by your heart.

I know you are in a lot of pain but you should be extremely proud of yourself for having survived everything you have. Every day that you get through the pain and choose to get up and keep trying makes you a winner in my book.

I am sorry you are going through so much pain. All I can think of is that you are meant to get through the worse part of your life at an early age but that at some point things will shift for the better and you will find peace. However ups and downs will always be a part of life IMO, everything is always changing, hard times eventually catch up to you but nothing stays the same and good times return again.

I have always described life as a "constant roller coaster" -Pluto conjunct Saturn in the 12H.

------------------
"Karma needs to be understood, acknowledged, and it needs to be either resolved or dismissed. Karma accumulates when you feed it with energy; if you stop feeding it (that is, you cease to foment the hate, the pain, the guilt, or any other negative emotion), it usually dissolves by itself."

http://vimeo.com/43444347

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Sulkyarcher
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Posts: 1172
From:
Registered: Dec 2013

posted March 07, 2017 08:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sulkyarcher     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Radium:
How can I prove her wrong when I can't even get a job at McDonald's because my License is expired. I am eating at a homeless shelter. I don't have a car. No house. Only some talent and a mind slowly swaying off the rocker.

I wish you all could spend one hour in my shoes, one hour. And you will be in awe I'm not already dead. It's easy for you to say it'll pass, or be strong. I've been strong long enough. I am sick of it. Nothing is changing. I want to lose my charm, I don't even want to be confident anymore. It gets me nowhere. I end up with pain. There is no reason for me to happy anymore so I choose not to waste the energy. Until I get some stability I won't be happy ever again. I am going to die anyways so why not do it at a young age.

How can I have so much ambition, intelligence, and passion and still be stuck. I obviously need stability help, not mental help, that won't help my situation. I had a great job lined up and now I can't get it because my License expired. I am furious. I live away from any means of support. I am a legit punk. At least when you went through your trials you had a roof over your head and food to eat, possibly some transportation. I don't have the basic tools to just ******* live. I cannot take it. There is nothing anyone can say to change my mind anymore. Nothing. If I had a gun right now I would kill myself. I am so, so, so serious. I do not care because the world does not care about me. I am nothing but a waste of space. Everyone else can get help but not me. I am done with it. Done.


I hate the word 'punk'. It's a word made up by elitist, snobby, and heartless, pricks, who have no idea what some people, like you, go through.

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Empty Spaces
Knowflake

Posts: 1512
From:
Registered: Jun 2015

posted March 07, 2017 09:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Empty Spaces     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Sulkyarcher:
I hate the word 'punk'. It's a word made up by elitist, snobby, and heartless, pricks, who have no idea what some people, like you, go through.

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Empty Spaces
Knowflake

Posts: 1512
From:
Registered: Jun 2015

posted March 07, 2017 10:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Empty Spaces     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Selenite and Ami what a beautiful attitude I wish I could help Radium too if I wansn't jobless,God knows well I'm totally broke :/

Radium

Your post broke my heart and I'm so far from you,miles distant but I CARE.You are a survivor my friend,keep your head up!

What about taking small steps?Accept the help people are offering you,get the papers you need and try to find a job.You are very capable and smart.Just give one step at time.
💙💙💙💙💙💙


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