Lindaland
  Sweet Peas In The Rain
  I Will be dead long before Pluto is done with me

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   I Will be dead long before Pluto is done with me
Davina98
Knowflake

Posts: 63
From: Montrťal, Quebec, Canada
Registered: Jan 2017

posted February 26, 2018 11:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Davina98     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I donít like myself and anyone that reminds me of me. Thatís why I have so much hate in my heart but crave love. I donít have a symmetrical face or body. I am severely bowlegged. I have a severe mental illness that I caused myself because I am stupid too. People notice now, because itís gotten worst (the stupid). Everyday I tell myself that I want to die. But Iím so nuts..cause Iím tugged between that and feeling that thatís not what the bottom of my heart wants. The bottom of my heart is convinced that I am going to be able to love and to be loved one day. The bottom of my heart knows that it can express itself creatively. I do not want a daughter with the same hair, legs, body and big nose as me. I need to get with someone with good genes to make my children look good. My natural hair is so ugly because Iíve permed it too much eversince I was little. Because I did not think I was pretty enough with that short nappy hair. Everytime I stare in the mirror I donít feel anything. Like I am looking at nothing. (Transit Neptune Opposing Ascendant) I am rotten at the core. I understand why white people used to think black people were an errror. (NOT THAT WE DESERVED ANY OF THE TREATMENT EVEN HAD WE BEEN AN ERROR). (yeah I am hard on myself, Moon in Cappy square Saturn in 8th) We donít have good hair, our breasts arenít healthy. This is just the truth for most of us. But all I want is to express myself creatively, from the bottom of my heart. For things to get better. To be chosen first with reason. To have strength to bear the meaning of my life when I find out what it is. I am scared sometimes that I will look in the mirror during the night and see a demon instead of my reflection. Because thatís whatís impeaching me to speak. Write, think, dance, sing, learn, remember, laugh. I have felt it.

It is trying to end me, kill me by making me kill myself (Transiting Pluto Opposing Sun + Transiting Pluto Contra-Parallel Sun & Venus). I am not a good person. I have stolen a lot of things from people (Saturn in Taurus 8th House). I know that I have good aspects in my chart, (ex. Saturn Sextile Mars in Cancer just makes me an extra stubborn coward. I do NOT want to go at war, ever. Iíll die in my bedsheets first) but every good aspect just makes a badly aspected planet better at being bad. I am obsessed, all the time. Not even in love because I am not able to love. I can only hate, envy, crave and be negatively attached. (Transiting Pluto Inconjunct & Contra-Parallel Venus). I know it all starts within my own heart. But what to do when this very heart is possessed? I canít even pray. I just forget what Iím praying about because of the stupid!! (Remember?)

Youíre life isnít that bad.

Plus it runs in the family. My motherís been single for 17 years. And sheís not very smart either to me. Sheís dedicated to the church like no one Iíve ever seen. Eversince before I was born. But weíre poor and have no one in our lives. Everyone talks **** about us. Guess what happened last year. She met someone and was about to finally get married when he died of a throat cancer.

Long story short all the women in my family are possessed with a spirit of failure that makes men run away or die. and I canít pray to god because he hasenít done anything for my mother who I can attest is his most faithful servent.

All I wanted was to express myself. Sorry about all the ugliness on your screen now. All I want is to express something beautiful but I have nothing beautiful in my life. No talent, inspiration or brains. So all I can do is make your timeline ugly too.

Davina
July 10 1998
10:16 AM
Montrťal, Canada

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 106046
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted February 28, 2018 10:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 106046
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 02, 2018 10:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How are you feeling?

IP: Logged

sassaqua
Knowflake

Posts: 833
From: Oz
Registered: May 2011

posted July 15, 2018 09:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sassaqua     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This sounds truly awful. Not sure of your age and I guess it's irrelevant but the human condition is sometimes like this.

On the up-side, you express yourself well.

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 106046
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 16, 2018 11:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by sassaqua:
This sounds truly awful. Not sure of your age and I guess it's irrelevant but the human condition is sometimes like this.

On the up-side, you express yourself well.


IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 106046
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 07, 2018 11:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Update?

IP: Logged

Davina98
Knowflake

Posts: 63
From: Montrťal, Quebec, Canada
Registered: Jan 2017

posted November 02, 2018 11:55 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Davina98     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Randall, thank you for checking up on me.. you're amazing for this! I have been feeling like doing something about it all. Looking really hard for the motivation to make a change in my life. Like trying to find a purpose, taking care of myself as i would someone I love. Distancing myself from people who make me feel bad..

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 106046
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 02, 2018 06:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Heading in the right direction.

IP: Logged

Brendan34
Knowflake

Posts: 485
From: Albany, NY, USA
Registered: Aug 2013

posted January 02, 2019 07:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brendan34     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Davina98:
Randall, thank you for checking up on me.. you're amazing for this! I have been feeling like doing something about it all. Looking really hard for the motivation to make a change in my life. Like trying to find a purpose, taking care of myself as i would someone I love. Distancing myself from people who make me feel bad..

Making a change is hard and can be intimidating, but once you take the first step it will really help you and motivate to keep moving toward more positive change. That first step is hardest. I know that sounds cliche, but I understand where you're coming from. Don't boil yourself down to others expectations, like "beauty, brains," etc. Those things are not what will sustain in you life as you get older anyways.

Think of things you enjoy, what you're passionate about and pursue that.

IP: Logged

Ayelet
Moderator

Posts: 2857
From:
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 03, 2019 01:55 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ayelet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Davina. I read what you've been doing of late, treating yourself the way you would treat someone else. That's good, because I noticed people tend to be the hardest on themselves, unforgiving things they would more easily forgive others for. Listen. Don't judge yourself like that. You are beautiful. I don't care how you look like. I think I understand. You want to express beauty, to create, and yet you don't feel like you're beautiful. Yet you are. Because the very wish to express and create is coming from your soul.

Do you know how many people are out there, who have the socially agreeable looks, but have almost no real self-esteem? No self-confidence? Maybe they grew up thinking they were beautiful, and this is all they had. Maybe they were raised learning to value themselves according to external things, and then they became full of anxiety as to who they were and whether they truly had any inner, REAL value. And then they destroy their life through the huge emptiness they feel. Maybe you read this and think to yourself: "I don't mind being in their shoes." Sure. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves. Thing is, you may have this look or that look, but it won't help you unless you also build a strong enough character. This is the main thing, without which mere looks won't help you, while with it no such looks won't hinder you.

You're not guilty for your mental illness. No one is. How can you possibly think that, taking all that blame on yourself? How could you have caused yourself something which comes from distress?

I am very sorry for the loss your mom has experienced. This is very sad. For the very least, she loved. She felt and knew love. Even though it was tragic.

You were born on the 10th. Meaning, you have the ability to get wide recognition within your chosen field of endeavor. But first and foremost, you must love yourself. Remember you are special. You can bring to this world something no one else can. That's why you're here. Find a way to express yourself. Seek the best medium. What speaks to you the most?

IP: Logged

Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 106046
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 16, 2019 05:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2000-2018

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a