posted December 31, 2003 09:20 PM         

Queridas astrolochicas, y chicos,

My dear friend of 17 has recently lost her mother. She is a sweet Taurus girl, and I am reaching out to you to provide some healing words or affirmations or anything you have to offer her. I am going to place her recent message to me below, and after reading it, if you are so inclined, please speak your mind. I am confident that some of you will see feelings in her words that you will understand better than I or the rest of us, and do please address what touches you. When there is compiled a lovely healing thread here, will I inform and offer it to her. I ask only for a few moments and your thoughts or stories, any healing art that you would offer. Thank you beloved Knowflakes, and brightest blessings for the New Year!!

Love,
Carlo

******

i received both your emails. i want to apologize for not replying sooner, but too much has gone on for be to even begin to tell you "what's new." i'd need hours of free time to tell you everything. everything got screwed up. i met the guy of my dreams last february and he broke my heart. (a virgo) things were going beautifully, but they started to get shaked when i started to fight with my mother a lot. i don't know whether or not i ever told you, but my mother was an alcoholic. (a gemini) there was no happy medium with her and she couldn't get better as much as she tried. she had been in detox countless times. i got really mad at her this past june when she told me that she was getting sick from it. i was mad at her because she should have been responsible...but she never even wanted to be. the next day she died. it was abrupt. no one person expected it. i felt like i had aged so quickly this past summer. i ketp saying to myself "i'll right to him when i have something good to say." i just couldn't find the day. that boyfriend of mine couldn't either...he cheated on me. i think that the intensity of what we had was burning him out, but i'm crushed and i can't excuse it. i really felt the need to talk to someone today. it's been about a week since i saw my psychologist or psychiatrist. oh yes... i didn't tell you. this summer i was also diagnosed with bipolar...and my father's mother died. i've been back in school for a few months now and it hasn't helped. there is some good news though. i was invited to go to a leadership conference in chicago this summer. i get to study at the art institute and study architecture and art history and build something. gee wiz. when i began writing i had some purpose, some way about going about this. i just completely vented to you. i'm sorry. i'm going to have to write to you again, focusing on each of these things separately. i miss you so much carlo. you have been one of my favorite people to talk to and i have totally neglected what we have. i've been keeping up with my astrology. i'm even becoming able to guess signs. i scared some girl at school. i'll write to you again tomorrow or the next day. i think that writing these emails will be therapeutic. i just need to get in mode, so the words can just roll out. i've been absolutely miserable. what is a taurus to do? the bull is stuck in the ring with the picadors and the matadors a coming. i miss him, but i hate him and he has her and it hurts and it hurts more because i feel like it's my fault, but it isn't. my mother is gone and now i feel like that little girl lost in walmart. where is she where is she? it doesn't feel real. it's as if i fell asleep forever and this is just some dream i'm dreaming. i could go on and on about all the things i feel because i can't stop feeling. i can't stop loving. i can't stop feeling. i can't stop hating. it'd be a silly thing to think that i can stop all of this. my nature. i keep trying to fill these voids and nothing is satisfactory. a friend of mine is coming over now. he's a virgo too. i love virgos, but they're so good at getting to me. i feel like crying. by no means do i pity myself. i just can't understand why it all happens... to me to anyone all at once. when it rains it pours. anywho. this friend of mine was in my ap art history class last year and he graduated. i graduate next year...2005. he's really quiet and too himself and i guess it's one of my goals to figure him out. he's sort of mysterious. he's a writer and so was that boyfriend of mine. his name is nelson. and my boyfriend's name was don. i'm going to go. i can always say all these things later.

love always,
joy

******

posted December 31, 2003 11:44 PM         

this line of yours caught my eye: "it's as if i fell asleep forever and this is just some dream i'm dreaming."

i think you are right - this IS some dream you are dreaming, and while it's not so easy to "wake up" (just like those weird dreams when you feel like you're waking up but really you're just still dreaming) it's important to remember that this 3rd-dimensional incarnation is just one part of our soul's experience. it doesn't make it any easier emotionally, which as a taurus is part of your trial in this life, but it does help to put things in perspective and to take note of the small bright pieces of the puzzle that we can learn and grow from.

i can tell from your message that you are a strong and passionate being, looking to move beyond the ordinary in this life. don't underestimate your own strength. i for one believe that we choose before birth the life situations we are born into. coming also from a troubled childhood myself, i can relate to the feelings of frustration and intense desolation you convey. it's hard to get going in the mornings. but as the writer Ernest Hemingay said, "the world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places." stronger and more able to help others, which in turn makes us stronger.

and as for the man of your heart, i can't tell you how many times it seems that strong women friends of mine meet "the one" who turns out to be a dud, right before they really meet "the one"! it's almost a soul test or a door-opening exercise. if you're ready and full of love the universe will put a soulmate in your path - no doubt about it.

i wish you a beautiful, fulfilling, healing 2004. may all your heart's wishes come true.

and thanks to your good friend carlo for bringing your spirit into this circle. best wishes to him also.

posted January 02, 2004 01:27 PM         

I pray for you to learn how to trust again.

posted January 06, 2004 12:36 AM         

------------------
Joys Added -
Sorrows Subtracted -
Friends Multiplied -
Love Un-Divided

posted May 09, 2004 03:39 PM         

***

my mentor,
i'm sorry that i haven't written to you in so long. i read your email right away, but i never got the chance to sit down and write a good book for you. there is so much to say with not time speak it and i have all the time to live my life, but i'm busy with everything they say living is supposed to be. my birthday just passed. it was the 28th. 17 is an uneventful age, but my friends made it memorable. my father was away in nebraska doing some architectural thing, so i had a party that wednesday. it was amazing. i stayed up all night and skipped school the next day. i don't know whether it was the trauma of this past year that has done this to me. it's not that i don't care anymore because i certainly do, but i've just been letting go a lot more lately. i think it might be healthy, but i'm not so sure with the world as crazy and as hectic as it is. it's been set in our minds that we need to make use out of our time. i cannot set precalculus higher than my own wellness. i don't really know how i'm doing. this medication that i'm taking makes me feel so weak. i can't tell anymore if it's fatigue or sadness or what. i'm so up an down. if i'm not running around and freaking out about something that i have to do, i'm crying or sleeping. i've been hanging out with my friend atom a lot and the last time i saw that virgo nelson, we held hands. i feel really dumb for getting giddy over something as simple as holding hands, but i can't help but be like that. i'm so happy that you have found out more information about your family and it really interests me that your sister was looking for you too. i can not empathize with the feelings that you must be having, but you must be so excited and dazzled. it's a lot to take in and i'm really so happy for you. now this is really interesting...i'm getting paid 150 dollars for moving around audio visual equipment and turning stuff on at this conference. it wasn't to my knowledge that this conference that i'm helping out with is actually the new england adoption conference. there is a gap in the schedule, so i'm taking this free time to catch up. it's amazing. there are over 1000 people here. there are exhibits from adoption agencies all over the united states and there are all these little booths on kids from china and india and everywhere. they have domestic adoption agencies and they set up a little book shop here. i'm so happy that i'm here to be a part of this. have you ever heard of the book raising cain? i saw a copy of it today. i read into it just a little and it said in it that cain is a metaphor for troubled foster and adopted children. what's so fascinating to me about this is the fact that cain is my cousin's name. he was adopted and when my aunt named him i'm not sure that she knew the meaning behind his name because it is so fitting. i can't wait to see you. i don't know if i mentioned it to you, but i'd like it if i could go on a roadtrip the summer of 2005. i want to go crosscountry and stay in california for a while. i'd love to hang out with you for a while when i go. it'd be so much easier to talk to you in person about everything. sometimes, when your with a person, you can just feel their experience and feelings and stories. i would just love to see how you're doing. my mother's brithday is coming up. may 28th. i have the neatest idea for her birthday. i know that she's dead and whatever, but so is jesus and they have a birthday party for him every year. i love walking around at night in may because it feels so wet and cool, but warm and sweaty. it just feels so real. i could not say that it's my favorite time of year because i love the fall, but may just makes me feel like my mother is holding hands with me. it's lilac season. i don't know if you have lilacs in la, but surely you know the smell. it's such a familiar thing to me. it's my everything right now. every time i walk outside, i don't know if i should start giggling and rolling around or if i should fall onto my knees and just cry forever. i miss my mother so much and the smell is her. she's living in me right now and i can't stop crying about it. i don't know if it's cheesy or what. i just can't take in that smell without feeling like my mother is tickling my feet and calling me tinky and bijou like she always did. she was such a mother nature. i think every mother is, but i think she was a goddess in disguise, a goddess that didn't want the responsibility of being one. she'll be a kid forever. she was more youthful than i was in the end and i think that's what killed her. i think it's what killed me. we couldn't play anymore because i had grown and now that she's gone, i'm little all over again. i can't stop crying, even now...my cheeks are so moist....you know the dampness you feel when you're walking into your house from the car in the rain and you were only rained on a little, but it got you. that's me. i am rain right now. it's like in the cartoons. my cloud follows me. i miss her so ******* much carlo. my mother was my fun and i hope she knows that i love her and singing and dressing up and making up names for ourselves to tell strangers isn't the same because i can't pretend that she's my sister anymore and i can't pretend anymore. i need her again. i didn't feel like i needed her a much, but it was because i hated her. i thought she was a screw up because she thought so too. she wasn't. she was the most beautiful part of me, but she's not missing. she's not my everything. she is my everywhere. i cannot look without her standing with me and in me. she's the closest shadow to me. her favorite flower was the lilac. she and i would go out walking the dogs every night together a little before sunset and would get home afterwards. we would talk with people and make up stories to tell and then live stories that we would tell later. we used to talk to everyone and know everyone in that little village of greystone in north providence. this is isn't something i made up. she and i would get pillow cases or bags from the house and we used to steal lilacs from peoples' yards and then after we stole a whole bunch of them, we'd go to the house and get my brother and get in the car and go to spring grove for a swim, even in may...and even though the lilacs didn't live through june, we'd keep on swimming almost every night. we'd go around 8. it would just be getting dark, so the water was as warm as it got and that's what my mother liked. she liked the sweat to come off of her as it came. she was beautiful. i loved it because we grew to love it. this year, for her birthday, i'm going to go lilac hunting. i'm going to get a friend or two with me and i'm just going to run around and drive around and find as many lilacs as i can and they will all be for her. that will be her holiday and i'll do that every year for her because i'd know she'd have fun doing it with me and i'll go swimming and this time, i'm going to swim naked. i want to make this as beautiful and as natural it can be. i bet she wishes the she had done that, gotten naked. no one will be at the beach. no one ever was when we went to spring grove when we were younger. i'm going to take it off. it will be my liberation, my freedom, my breath and my beat and my my my. maybe one day, you can come do that. i'll be doing it every year forever. lilacs are a beautiful thing to be taken away and i think that's why my mother is gone. i miss her. i almost want to be her. i'm not sure that i will ever get over her, but i don't want to ever get over her. one cannot help but be taken back, amazed by something so true.

i love you carlo. i will write to you when i can do it without rambling. write me back soon.

***

I love you too, sweetest Earth princess!

Love,

posted May 10, 2004 04:50 PM         

Love
Peace
Joy

posted May 10, 2004 04:53 PM         

I'm trying again. I wanted to send the signs and it didn't work, if this time it still doesn't work, you still know what I'm trying to convey

posted May 10, 2004 05:44 PM         

(Dana, just click "edit" ,and place a space between the two colons that are running together right now)