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Author Topic:   Depression
Alice Rabbit
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Posts: 56
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Registered: Dec 2003

posted August 31, 2004 05:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Alice Rabbit     Edit/Delete Message
I go through bouts of depression that I just can't seem to get over. Nothing matters and everything I try to do I either fail, it goes wrong or I don't even seem to get it done. The longer this goes on the more depressed I get until I just can't pick myself up again. I have so many goals but just can't seem to even get started when I feel like this. I'm so very frusterated. Right now I feel as though I'm supposed to be getting ready for something and I know what to do I just can't do it and it is going to happen before I can get my act together. I'm not sure what this event is going to be but I know it is important. Please I just don't know where to find the energy and motivation that will get me through this. I've tried everything through the years and nothing has long term effects that help. I've run out of ideas.

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purplezen
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Posts: 876
From: outer space
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posted August 31, 2004 08:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for purplezen     Edit/Delete Message

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paras
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Posts: 1020
From: the Heart of It All
Registered: May 2004

posted August 31, 2004 09:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for paras     Edit/Delete Message
I fought depression for many, many years.

Depression comes from many sources. Some we can control, others we can't. Take control of the ones you can! Be good to your body, give it lots of healthy foods like vegetables and fruit, avoid caffeine. And practice positivity! Read inspirational books. Try to find positive people to hang around with, people who look on the bright side of things. Happiness is a habit, too -- make it your new one! Trust in God, however you think of him or her.

That's the best advice I can give you.

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Nephthys
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Posts: 1444
From: California
Registered: Oct 2001

posted August 31, 2004 09:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message
Great advice, paras!

I think there's a few threads here on depression.........you may want to look into.

All best to you ~

(Nephthys typing from school, she isn't home right now)

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pixelpixie
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Posts: 4149
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted August 31, 2004 10:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
For some reason, Paras' suggestion of trying boks had these books popping into my mind..
:SARK: Is the author. They are artistic, inspirational, and best consumed with a pint of ice cream or girlguide cookies, with p.j's on. Phone and notebook on hand... so you can jot down a thought or call someone you love.
They are very inspiring and simple.
Her affectionate nature and sweet soulful take on things is inspirational and makes you want to feel joy. So you do.
"The Creative Companion"
"Eat Mangoes Naked"
"Succulent Wild Woman"
"The Bodacious Book of Succulence"

My cousin and I used to share these books.. I'd get one, she'd read it, she'd get one, I 'd read it. I miss her. Now I am sad.
She lives in B.C., me in Ontario. But her Fiance is in a successful band. So I forgive her and hope they both make ample money so she can come see me soon. I will miss her wedding in October.
Anyway.. check out those books.

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Gia
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Posts: 717
From: California
Registered: May 2004

posted September 01, 2004 05:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gia     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Alice Rabbit,

When I read your post the other day my first instinct was to write straight away.
I wanted to comfort you because I could feel your pain through the words on the page. However I refrained from doing so because I felt I had nothing of real value to say. Instead I printed your post and took myself on a run all the while meditating on you.

Alice Rabbit, I know you feel overwhelmed. I know you want change. I know you want something / somebody to jump start your life. I know that you feel you're always waiting. I know you feel disillusioned and lost. I know you feel totally drained.

It takes a great deal of energy to hold in our natural emotions. In fact, it's more draining and exhausting then any triathalon.

The more drained and exhausted we feel, the less capable we are of experiencing anything good. It becomes a cycle, so we get more depressed. It impacts our whole body. Depression is not just mental thing, it affects the nervous system, the way we eat, sleep and our social interactions with others. It can make you physically sick.

There are many types of depression. I think the most common type of depression is the kind of
low grade depression that is not quite disabling, but is long term / or recurring. It may interest you to know that
this depression is often associated from unconscious negative thinking habits. I would like you to think about this carefully.


Alice ask yourself why you don't regularly acknowledge your own talents and accomplishments?
What prevents me from moving on?
What do I fear the most?
How do I look to myself?
How do I project to others?
Remember pay attention to your emotions when you ask yourself these questions. Your emotions are like inner guidance missiles they'll lead you right to the heart of it all.

Start by looking after your body. Paras was spot on. Really focus on nurturing yourself. I know that's hard to do when you feel down but please try, make a conscious effort to eat well and help your body by taking supplements.

Vitamin B Complete Complex - B vitamins are necessary for the normal functioning of the brain and nervous system.
Selenium - Has be shown to elevate mood and decrease anxiety
Calcium and Magnesium - Has a calming and relaxing effect on the nervous system.

Also if you are NOT on any other medications and want to try a natural antidepressant try
SAMe RX Mood - Made by Nature's Plus.

If you are under care already. You must not take the SAMe. Check with your doctor.

Alice get outside more, walk in the sunshine, exercise more.
Lie in the bath and indulge your body.
Listen to music that soothes you.
Learn to love yourself.

Why?

Because you're worth it!

Gia


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bases loaded
Knowflake

Posts: 271
From: Havana, Cuba
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 01, 2004 10:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bases loaded     Edit/Delete Message
Hi, Alice. Hope you don´t mind I ask you how old you are. Would you tell me, please? It´s important for me to know the diagnosis I made belongs to you. Anyway this is what I found:

In 1974 something sad happened with you, and that negative experience has been logged in your heart since then. If you are younger than that, ask your family about that year, because the sons get their parents´ negative emotions too, as a legacy, you know. It could be important to be completly sure.

Bases Loaded

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bases loaded
Knowflake

Posts: 271
From: Havana, Cuba
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 01, 2004 10:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bases loaded     Edit/Delete Message
After you have determined the true cause of a problem you can recover your harmony again.

Bases Loaded

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talaith
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Posts: 271
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Registered: Feb 2004

posted September 01, 2004 11:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for talaith     Edit/Delete Message
dear bases loaded ~

i so enjoy partaking of your wisdom. you seem very adept at helping people to identify important issues relevant to their health.

do you have any recommendations for how we may discover these kinds of things ourselves?

like, how would i be able discover that the root of an issue originates in an occurrence in 1974? is there a method to this?

thank you!

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Gia
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Posts: 717
From: California
Registered: May 2004

posted September 01, 2004 12:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gia     Edit/Delete Message
Talaith I know this was for bases loaded and I do hope you won't mind bases loaded if I just pop in and remind Talaith of the recapitulization exercise. If you pay attention to your emotions they are truly like inner guidance missiles. They will lead you directly, without error, to the experience determining the time. Right to the "heart" of it all - every emotion has it's own pulse you know.

We heal ourselves "ALWAYS."

Shhhhh...* whispers* me thinks bases loaded is quite intuitive. I like reading your posts bases loaded. I read them with so much interest. I look forward to hearing more.

I agree with you on the inheritance of cell memories. They are often like tape recordings of anothers deepest emotions imprinted over your own. This is what they mean by the sins of the fathers I guess.

If you get a book called "THE SANCTUARY" By Sephen Lewis there are more detailed explanations.

Lot of Talaith and bases loaded

Your name reminds me again of those missiles going to the heart of it all bases loaded. Good name choice!

Gia

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talaith
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Posts: 271
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posted September 01, 2004 01:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for talaith     Edit/Delete Message
hi Gia

i'm pleased to hear your words always. i do plan to write my recapitulation (reminds me of 'elation'...). it will be slow going though, as my highly active 2 year old requires most of my time.

i find what you've said about emotions going right to the heart of things very illuminating. if we let them, they are like the keys to our hearts. how beautiful! i was always taught that emotions are bad things and must be avoided at all cost. i spent a lot of years running away from them, in various ways.

i would like to start a blog as well. i really can't figure out how to go about this though. i've tried looking up public blog sites, but it's a little confusing.

does anyone here to do blogs? any info?

with much love, talaith

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Alice Rabbit
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Posts: 56
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posted September 01, 2004 03:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Alice Rabbit     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you all so much for your words. I needed to hear them all. I can't tell you how much it has ment to me to be able to talk to people with my own beliefs. Thankyou for the book referals but I am sad to report my attention span is so far gone these days that I can't seem to be able to read for long periods of time and somedays not at all. This pains me greatly because books are a huge part of my world. I own my own little library. Gia thank you so much for your words you hit it right on the head. But I have asked these questions and I ask myself everyday but I can't seem to see the awncer myself. Bases loaded, I was born in 1980 and I have asked my mother about 1974 but our lives have been so tramatic (even before I was born) that it is hard to pin point a certian sinificant event. All that has happened it is suprised I am able to function at all (all of my family for that matter). But I had thought I was getting over that finally. I really don't know any more. But thank you all you have put a smile on my face today because I know that you all understand. I very rarely feel understood so it is a deep hearted feeling for me. Blessed be and Love to All.

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Gia
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Posts: 717
From: California
Registered: May 2004

posted September 01, 2004 03:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gia     Edit/Delete Message
Dearest Alice,

I do understand. The questions are so emotionally loaded that often things get buried in layers of uncertanity and doubt.

What ever anyone has made you believe about yourself Alice, it can only be true if you, and only you, allow it to be so. Do not accept things people say say so readily. Where is Alice? I know she's in there somewhere!

The attention span is due to energetic loss. You are too drained and you tend to concentrate only in small spurts at a time.You actually waste more energy that way you know. The mind gets too cluttered and overwhelmed with too many different things going on all at once. Pace your self and don't try to do more than you can handle at any one time.

Try listening to music instead, or relax by going to the library and getting some books on tape. Your mind will focus on the story and without any conscious effort from you, your body will learn to relax and re-focus all by itself. Your body is a very intelligent machine. Not only does it store a whole load of information, but if you listen to it carefully, it always tells you what it needs.

:Much Gia

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Alice Rabbit
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posted September 01, 2004 11:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Alice Rabbit     Edit/Delete Message
I used to have voices in my head that helped me through my day but now that has stopped for several years and it is so quiet that I don't know how to function. I went through some really hard times kinda recently and nothing has ever been the same after. I'm not the same person and I really don't know who I am anymore or what I want from myself. I'm lacking the dicipline that I once had and the motivation that drove me is gone. I just can't go on living like this! I just don't know what to do to change it. I see the time slipping through my hands and it frightens me. That is the only thing I am really afraid of. Time. It seems like an evil word. I lose time alot and don't know what has happened or what I am doing. I am very confused. Alice was one of the voices that I loved the most. I don't see her anymore but other people get to. She is my role model. Everything she is I can't be. I used to be and I long to be but I just can't get back there.

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Gia
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From: California
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posted September 02, 2004 12:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gia     Edit/Delete Message
Dearest Alice,

You are so lucky to be young and to have so much time. You can relax in the time department honey. You have plenty of time to spare without worrying about it.

T-I-M-E if you spell that backwards do you know what you get?

E-M-I-T. It means to send out and to send forth.

I'm glad the voices in your head are gone. I'd like you to find your own now.

I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago. People change Alice and because people change, situations change too. Things never truly stay the same you know. Sometimes we want them to and that makes us want to keep looking back. I think that's why you worry about time. Am I right? You feel a kind of paralysis, stuck in a place you can't move from. It 's so difficult for us to move forward if we keep looking back. We end up
going nowhere only going round in circles.

Do you have a close friend or family member
you can confide in?

How about talking to me? I'd be happy to listen. Write to me and tell me what your normal day is like.

Nobody here knows who you are or where you live, remember, we have people from all over the world on this forum that would support and help you through this difficult time.

Motivation is like climbing a ladder. You need to climb one step at a time. I can feel how sad and confused you are, but Alice, you must stop thinking of what was and look forward to what may be. Take back control!

Look in the mirror Alice. The person you see
is really the only one that can change your life.

Get that first foot on the ladder Alice and start to climb. Don't look down, take your time, the higher you climb the better the view.

Gia

Gia

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Alice Rabbit
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posted September 02, 2004 02:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Alice Rabbit     Edit/Delete Message
Gia, I'm afraid to become something bad. I don't want to be all the things I hated in life and I'm afraid I'll lose track and wake up and look at myself one day only to see all I never wanted to face. I do have very wonderful people in my life. I live with my very best friends who have been with me for 7 years now. One of them is my new husband. But no one can save you but yourself right. I know this but I am afraid. I don't want to fail them or myself but I'm so afraid to fail I haven't started anything good either. I can't overcome these emotions and I can't beat them. I hate feeling this way but I don't know what to do. I've tried so many things but I don't know what is holding me back. Fear mostly I guess. But one question has haunted me for a long time. "If live spelled backwards is evil where should I go with my life?" We all have grown up with beliefs embedded within our mind and no matter what I can accomplish I hear that it will amount to nothing because I will have no one to love. I know it is silly but I'm afraid of losing these people my family by something that I will do. Life is so scary. And I know it is for everyone so why can't I just face it? Why can't I do this ? I can't even remember a whole day !! And I don't know if it is just my imagination or if I just misplaced it somewhere or told myself I don't remember. How can you fix something that you don't even know that you did? How can you prevent hurting the ones you love if you can't even control what happened during the day? What can you do if you see yourself say something mean but you don't have the power to stop or even to appologize for it at the moment and when you finally can it is to late and the damage it already done? How can you feel confident at work when somedays you don't even remember how to do your job? I'm afraid of every second of every day. I am not in control of this anymore. My thoughts don't even seem to be my own but I know that they are no longer anyone elses. And I know that if I wasen't afraid it would all be okay but I don't have the courage anymore. I used it all up a long time ago. My family tells me just to do it and to be strong they don't understand that I don't know how. So my worst fear has already come true and I've let them down many times. So why am I still afraid ? They are still here and I have never done anything so harmfull that it couldn't be forgiven. You always hurt the ones you love right. But they are the ones you love because they can forgive you and you can forgive them right? So why can't I truely belive this? I drive myself crazy I go rounds like this with myself all the time and get nowhere. Even now I'm just wondering around in circles and getting nowhere but wasting your time. It gets tiring caring for someone so confused and I know that it is really hard on the ones that have cared for me for so long. My time issue comes from them getting tired of picking me up. Mentally I am a wreck and physically I am disabled. It is only a matter of time. I must overcome these disabilities. I want to be normal for just one day just do the things I want to do and not be afraid of anything. People tell me just to do it and not be afraid but they don't know how much I have to rely on people to care for me if I get hurt physically and emotionaly.
Thank you for listening. Gia Thank you. Blessed Be and Love for you.

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Gia
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From: California
Registered: May 2004

posted September 03, 2004 03:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gia     Edit/Delete Message
Dearest Alice,

Please don't say your wasting my time, I love chatting to you.

Anyway, I think you have great courage, so don't ever tell me you don't because it wouldn't be true. It takes a great deal of courage to bear your soul on a public forum. So many people are scared stiff to even begin to write.

Alice, have you thought of the many other people who are going through similiar difficulties out there?

By writing you are helping them know they
are not alone. What a blessing you are to them.

I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Gia

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bases loaded
Knowflake

Posts: 271
From: Havana, Cuba
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 03, 2004 11:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bases loaded     Edit/Delete Message
Hi. I wish to thank you, Talaith, Gia and Alice for the words you sent me. Do not ever forget this important secret to get the complete happiness: when we help others to achieve the well-being, we get happier because we are receiving his/her positive emission that reaches us back.

Talaith, there are several ways to discover the root of a problem; radiesthesia is good for that and is the one I use to work with. Other tool (powerful tool) is a methode mentioned by Linda in her Star Signs, but as a "non-recommended" one. However, the reallity is that the methode is a great help we can get to solve a lot of our problems and to help others in the same way. The tool I mean is Silva´s Mind Control, and perhaps you had heard about it before.

Those are the "tools" I work with. But my diagnosis in these forums cannot be completly exact and perfect although I try to do my best effort because for an accurate work the `operator´ needs an exact information about the patient. The main personal details are the following:

Full name, gender, age and actual location.

As you can see, a simple nickname isn´t the best support for a good diagnosis, although sometimes it can help.

Bases Loaded

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holy grail
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posted September 06, 2004 08:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for holy grail     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Alice

I could relate to your condition as my mum very nearly die from her depression. I too have personal experience in these though to a much lesser degree. Through overcoming these challenges and others, I have developed some ability to reach into somebody deep psyche so as to help them to heal themselves.
So the depression you are in, on one hand pulls you down, on the other it is your springboard to higher things.

With conditions such as deep depression, one need to try something gentle, yet effective and far reaching over the long term. Something that starts giving early results so that you will be encouraged to go on exploring these options. Before outlining what are these gentle self-help methods, let’s me make a general statement – one for contemplation.

When we over identify with our ego (belief system, emotions and mentations, etc) as the real SELF, we go in a downward spiral

How do we shift that identification to the real SELF? Meditation on Twin Hearts can do that. It is a prayer meditation that uses St. Francis of Assisi with focusing on the heart and the crown centre to bless the whole world. By blessing others one get blessed. There is a down pouring of spiritual energy that will cleans unreconciled negative emotions, fears and such like from you aura. Your heart and crown center slowly activate over time. That means there is a shift towards the real SELF.

A guide meditation on CD is available from www.pranichealing.com (if not in USA, see links for other countries outlet). The CD, Meditation on Twin Hearts for Psychological Health and Well-being will be more suitable for you than the other one with self healing. The difference here is the Psychological one use the divine energy (after the meditation) to cleanse the major energy center/chakra while the self healing use the energy to clean the inside of the body. Actually doing them alternatively is good.

In the meantime, here is a self healing method for you to try.

1. Think of your depression.
2. Where does it not feel good in your physical body when you think of your depression. It could be quite a few areas where you do not feel good.
3. Pick one such area and place both hands on it. (It’s up to you if you want to start with the worst felt area or the least).
4. Verbally say “Soften and flow” with the intent to soften the energy where you put your hand on.
5. DO slow deep abdominal breathing while doing it.
6. After a few minutes, it should soften and start flowing. (If it does not start to soften after a few minutes, leave it. Will tell you how to resolve it using some other simple method). During these time, mentally repeat “Soften and flow” every now and then.
7. Once it flows, follow it in your mind until it goes out from your body. If it flows to an area of resistance, repeat the same procedure to soften it. (eg. say it starts from your chest, it flows to your liver and you experience resistance then soften the liver area until it start flowing again). Note that the flow of energy does not have to follow the path of the physical body, it can go outside the physical body.

Try that, see it works for you. If it does I will give more info about this methodology.

There is also something else very simple to try but I will write it in a future post when I have a bit more time.

Best wishes and have included you in my prayer meditation.

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Alice Rabbit
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Posts: 56
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posted September 06, 2004 11:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Alice Rabbit     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you so much for all your help. Holy Grail I printed out your advice and I will try it. Gia, I have had a few really good days. Nothing different really happened I just had a better attitude about it I think. I have gone through alot of changes lately and I guess I just don't know how to really cope with it all. It feels like my whole world has changed and I have no control over alot of it. ( It really helps to talk about it thank you so much for listening you guys. To write it down does somthing more than just saying it because your thoughts can spill out uniteruped. This is helping me so much. And I don't think I am brave for writing it all out because in a way it feels like I am hiding still behind a false name and the false face you see in your mind. But I do feel like I can be more honest this way.)

But back to my big changes. I moved across the country. I really love it here but it is lonely for me. I have all my family that moved with me but I left behind a lot of close friends. I feel really secluded here because I've never had any trouble makeing friends before but I've lived here 3 years and still don't have a single friend. I have some aqaintences but that is not the same.


I also gained alot of weight from a tyroid problem and don't feel as confient as I used to. On the plus side I am not as big as I was when it first happened. I did the red diet and lost 3 sizes in jeans. I did not lose any weight though but feel much better I am now a size 7 but I used to be a 5. I am happy with my size now but I got celulite for the first time and it did not go away after the diet. I am really trying to deal with this and not be so vain but it is hard.

I also just got married. It was the happiest day of my life. I married my best friend. Although I lost my very close friend I've had for 8 years because I married him and also my brother got mad I did not pay enough attention to him during the week of the wedding (plus alot of other things he has never forgiven me for through the years) and will not speak to me. I was really close to both of them and feel the loss really strongly. I know there is nothing I can do but I just have this huge hole in my life that nothing can fill.


I also lost my cat a day before I posted this. He was very special to me and I hurt really bad still. It was a big loss to me and pretty much the last straw that made me really need help.

I really am trying to gain control over my life again and I am so blessed to have such a great family to care for me and also you all which have touched my life in such a special way. Love to all and Blessed Be.

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talaith
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Posts: 271
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posted September 07, 2004 10:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for talaith     Edit/Delete Message
hi again Alice Rabbit ~

i can relate to a lot of your life circumstances in the moment...i've lived in a new place for a few years now and have neither friends nor acquaintances here. and after i had my son (2 years old and so beautiful ) i experienced some serious health issues, including thyroid problems as well. not only did i not lose my baby fat, i gained even more! several years ago i was a size 0/2, but i was anorexic then, and my weight and image has occupied a huge amount of my concsiousness all my life. now i'm wearing plus sizes!

and although i've resolved to let my body be my guide and accept how i am in this moment, knowing that being weight obssessed is much unhealthier in so many ways, i was without confidence too. in addition, i devoted everything to taking care of my son, with nothing left over for taking care of me. i didn't even by purchase proper hair care products, using a generic bath soap instead, that damaged my hair so much that i had to cut off most of it.

anyway, although these days are still not so easy, i have determined to embrace my life and love every moment for what it is and what my life is...knowing that i can make it beautiful. that i can do so by loving every single thing about myself -- not what i was conditioned to believe about myself and how i should be. this includes using my time and energy for myself, buying the vitamins and things that i need for self-care.

i'm sure you already do these things, but sometimes just the right incense, or a wonderful new essential oil really can infuse your senses and lift your spirits.

also Bach flower essences have given me literally a new lease on life. they really open up your perspective and view of everything. a few that i know would help you are as follows:

crab apple ~ helps you to love your physical self just exactly as you are -- permits a kind of 'cleansing' so that you may achieve your goals via love for yourself rather than criticism.

larch ~ this essence will help you connect with your higher self to show you what a magnificent creature you really are. it helps to eliminate your lack of confidence and to raise your self-esteem.

gentian ~ when you feel discouraged about your life and 'paralyzed' by your sense of failure, gentian will help realign your attitude to one of positive outlook. it will help to restore your natural optimism and sense of success, even in the face of adversity.

this is a small combination that i'm sure would help realign you with your natural good senses and higher self. flower essences work very subtly on your emotional level to bring balance back into your life. they are fascinating substances, and work in so many very subtle ways....i would love to disuss them further if you're interested. you might try just rescue remedy when you feel very low....it works wonders!

if you'd like to email me, do so at nilemagic@yahoo.com. i have one more suggestion that was of tremendous value to me, but that i'd prefer to discuss privately.

anyway....today i'm going to a 'meet-up' where i plan to make some new 'acquaintances' in the area and i'm so looking forward to it! you might want to try this site...MeetUp.com. they have every interest you could imagine, from career to hobbies to spirituality to animals to vegetarianism (over 4000 topics)...just choose as many as you like and sign up for the next meeting (once a month) with people who have similar interests in your area. you vote on where you'd like the gathering to take place, such as a cafe or bookstore. you also can communicate with local members of your interest group via a bulletin board online for each topic.

well, alice rabbit, your life is your own and it truly is full love and magic if you just look in the right places. i wish you all of love and light and magnificent energy in all that you do.

love, talaith

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talaith
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posted September 07, 2004 10:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for talaith     Edit/Delete Message
also alice rabbit, please forgive me if this is too painful, regarding your kitten....

but, last year i rescued a kitten who was just a few weeks old, starving and flea infested and let her live with my big kitten on our porch and outside (a rural area). i wanted to wait till she was a little older to have her spayed, but she managed to have a litter of kittens before then. so she was nursing the babies and i planned to take her in as soon as they were weaned, but she became pregnant yet again!

sooo...while i've kept the first litter, i will have to find homes for this one. the new babies are just four days old.....

if you feel ready, i know you may not, but if you do, mama cat needs a good home for these precious babies, if you'd like to help her out.....(of course when they're a little older, and of course not all of them!)

again, please forgive me if this isn't the best time to suggest this...i'm sure i'll find them all good homes.

love and brightest blessings to you.

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Eleanore
Knowflake

Posts: 526
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003

posted September 08, 2004 12:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Eleanore     Edit/Delete Message
I considered whether or not to reply to your posts, Alice, seeing as how all the others here had given such good advice and poured so much love into your cup already. Still, I felt that I had words to share, hopefully of comfort, but at least of understanding.
I very much can relate to the pain you've related in this thread. I've also gone through periods of depression, bordering close to despair and the desire to just "give up" whatever that meant at the time. I was full of negative thoughts and emotions, even though I was constantly and actively striving for a spiritual connection. I was also born in 1980 and since then I've experienced some very harsh lessons from this Life but until about my 13th/14th year I had managed to bottle it all up and, besides vocal displays of temper, I was rather functional. Needless to say, that was a very unfortunate situation as the pressure was building up faster than I could cope ... until this pivotol pre-teen moment occured. The experience itself was just that, and not necessarily worth relating, but it did add that last straw to this poor little camel's back. Ironically enough, it was at this time when I also began to search more fervently for Truth. So there I was at this crossroads of anger and in some instances downright hatred, while at the same time I was striving for such higher things ... so high at the time that I couldn't even see the light at the end of the tunnel I was clawing my way through. The years continued to pass even though I would've given everything I had to stop them just so I could deal with the past. Unfortunately the future becomes the present becomes the past so quickly that I felt absolutely out of control of my life. That's when the fear settled in. As a child I had always been a bit of an over-achiever but as a teenager I became quite the under-achiever. I liked to give the impression that I was lazy to those who didn't know me, whilst my closest friends believed that I was too bored to do anything. The truth was that I was just too scared to do anything because I saw the possibility of failure. I did not doubt my intelligence or talent, but that's something else apart from "succeeding". My parents generally left me to myself, for which I am grateful. And all the while I really focused what little energy I had into spiritual pursuits. I also became quite involved in the "partying" culture of our youth but found that I was not enjoying myself at all either. That was really scary because everyone else around me was still functional, at least, and able to tear themselves away from their issues with the help of a little alcohol or drugs. To me, those substances became like a magnifying glass bearing down on all my problems, but seeing as how the one thing I was "really good at" was having a multitude of friends I continued to hang around with them. Even then I felt that I was wasting my time. I KNEW deep down inside that there was something I was here to do, to say, to contribute to the world but it was just to painful to look at what my life had become and (1) take responsibility and (2) make a change. Besides, what the heck was I supposed to change if no matter what I did I still felt the same?
I had reached a point where I just really couldn't function anymore at all. I mean, getting out of bed was an accomplishment. So, when I graduated highschool, I actually did give up. I gave up trying to do or say or be anything besides myself and, seeing as how I didn't know myself, that meant I'd have to start from scratch. I became a hermit in my parents home for about 9 months. My father and my sister would just tell me to "get over it" and do something with my life. My mother, though grieving for me at the time, was very patient and just let me be. Thank God/dess. I spent quite a bit of time sleeping. I'd get up to eat and use the restroom and then go back to sleep. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done to just totally give up trying to control my life and my circumstances and my thoughts and my feelings and just be for a time. I began to realize that I needed that time to myself. At first, I didn't realize conciously what was happening, but I'd wake up with painful memories of my past and cry and suffer until I could do no more. Then I'd pass out again. Rinse and repeat. Yet, very slowly, the experiences became less emotionally intense I began to be able to dissociate a bit from what had happened and saw it as if from above myself ... like it was happening to someone else yet the emotion was still there, not overpowering but like as if I was in the ocean and each time a painful memory approached it was like a wave and I learned to ride them through, letting them wash over me, experiencing them, and then letting them crash and break against the shore instead of feeling like they were trying to break me. And then the lessons began to appear. All the stuff I had studied and read and pondered over the years had been sinking in and I was able to understand, karmically and spiritually, my life. Then, after understanding why those things had happened, I began to feel regret and again the feelings of wasting time. I apologized to everyone I could for all the things that I had done or said that were hurtful or mean or just plain wrong. My mother stared at me in amazement after one long deluge of apologies from me and simply said that she didn't realize that I remembered all of those things that I had kept them inside of me all those years. She vaguely remembered some of them but most she had forgiven instantly and just accepted me regardless. So I began to see that I was the one that had to let go, realizing for the first time that our Mother and Father also hold endless love and forgiveness for us but it is we who must learn to love and forgive ourselves. We are our own lawmakers and judges, condemners and saviours. It reminded of that quote in Star Signs by Pope Innocent of Assisi "My children, errors will be forgiven. In our obsession with original sin, we do often forget ... original innocence." We are all innocent if we just let ourS-elves BE. *sigh* So I began the process of reintegration and finding myself in the light of myS-elf, realizing that this me is truly a shadow of something greater. No, it was not "easy" ... but I couldn't NOT do it and, once I began to heed my intuition and listen to my own voice, I found that following the path I had chosen for myself this time around was easier than not doing so. I still occassionally have similar, briefer periods of depression but as soon as I let go of that "need" to make things "right", everything begins to flow much better. I also think that sleeping is a very important part of reconnecting, paradoxical though that may sound. I believe this because sometimes we just can't consciously accept or deal or cope or integrate what's happening to us but it doesn't stop happening ... so through our dreams and astral experiences we manage to integrate it and keep it on a subconcious level until our conscious mind is willing to let it in. And then it's like, "wow, ok, that wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be" whereas if you try to force it when you're not ready you just end up in another vicious cycle of pain.
Personally, I think this stems from our fast-paced culture. We have more technology but less time, even just for living. Someone passes away from your life and a month later people are trying to get you in another relationship and telling you to "move on already". Or you move away from home and your social life is supposed to be up and active within a few months because "time is passing you by and you're only young once". Grrr, lol. We need that "time" that we're "wasting" to adjust, some need more some need less, but throwing a guilt trip on the fact that you're not ready is only going to stop you in your tracks. So you started a new job ... you are ready for that ... but don't expect to automatically feel at ease and comfortable, that'll happen on it's own when you're good and ready for that new sense of security. And that can be applied to every situation ... "every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end" (don't remember the name of the song) but we need to acknowledge the end before we can acknowledge the beginning. In the days before "modern" times, people used to celebrate the phases of their lives with ritual and I think we should return to that. Find a ritual you like or make your own, acknowledge the seasons of your life like Nature acknowledges hers. Human nature. Study the story of Demeter for a nice and thorough understanding of that, and then allow yourself to celebrate, literally, your life. When you finally begin to let go of the pain, you will be able to feel the pleasure ... really, truly feel it instead of just recognizing that good things happened to you, too. Make your own rituals (regardless of religious backgrounds, "The Art of Ritual" by Renee Beck and Sydney Barbara Metrick is a good book to have on hand for ritual purposes) how you feel comfortable, whether they're elaborate or simple, for joyous occasions for allowing yourself to grieve, whether you go it alone or with a group of loved ones.
This Life we live is a game, not a test. We are here to learn, not to "pass". Embrace the opportunities that you are presented with, realize that you can't miss out on anything because you are always at the right place at the right time, be patient with yourself and others, and let Love into your heart and Light into your mind. Don't force yourself to put a "time frame" on your growth because it is an unnecessary limit ... Fear holds us back from following our dreams but Faith will lead us in the right direction. You WILL get where you are going when you are meant to get there and in the end, "we're all here because we're not all there". It's up to us how long it takes, not by forcing ourselves to make d-e-a-d-l-i-n-e-s but by allowing ourselves to follow our own path. If enlightenment is your goal then realize that that's just another beginning too because life doesn't end; there's always something bigger and better to strive for and there always will be, so no matter how long or short it takes you to get there, the journey keeps on going. Your memories are your pictures of this trip so, really, why would you want to save any but the best?
Lots of Love and Light from me to you.

------------------
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi

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Alice Rabbit
Knowflake

Posts: 56
From:
Registered: Dec 2003

posted September 08, 2004 05:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Alice Rabbit     Edit/Delete Message
Eleanore, I am so glad you decided to reach out to me with your words. You are a true inspiration and I see alot of you in me and me in you. I only wish I had found my way as you have started to do.


I have walked my path in life so sure I would one day understand the meaning of it all but still I am confused and so very frusterated. I have placed others before me knowing my love could save them only to be left behind; misunderstood and lost. I have let go of my fears only to face them again over and over. I've embraced religion only to be beaten down by the people who taught me their ways.

I know deep in my heart that it is I who choose this path before it ever began. I feel defeated in front of myself. I've always tried to be true to myself and accomplish what I came here to do. True I've given up at times, I've let go of my dreams and cursed all that I could, I've even turned my back on things that really needed my attention. But these are human traits that must be forgiven and placed in the past. I just don't know what to expect next.

My father hated me and wished me dead everytime he looked at me. As small children me and my brother lived a life you would only see in a true horror film. In fact I have never seen a horror film I was afraid of because I had lived my own. My mother lived in a dream world obivios to life (she has long sence come back to me though I love my mother dearly and could not make it through life without her ). I always seemed to be beaten before I began. I did not have a friend (was not allowed friends) until I was 15. And then my father showed back up in our lived and grounded me soon after and made my mother ground me for something I did not even do. This was no ordinary grounding for I was homeschooled and could not leave the house. I was allowed to go out 1 a month to the store with my mom as long as we did not take more than 45 mins. My bedroom door was removed also my closet door. My personal writings, poems, journals, and pictures were taken and burned. My mom moved me a year later and I started school in a public school. I felt free for the first time in my life. But I had no experiance with people. I had no idea kids could be so cruel. I made friends but most of them just used me and were never there when I really needed a friend. I started doing drugs and never really came back off of them until just 2 years ago. I drank and did drugs everyday. I was never sober. I did alot of things I'm sorry for (never anything really bad, just stupid kid stuff). But I know I hurt people and I can never take back my words or actions. Also I had a few abusive boyfriends that really tramatised me. I had really looked for and dated my dad several times and I could never understand that when it was told to me as a chid that people did that but I look back on it now and know that I had to go through that to forgive my mom. I had to understand what it felt like to love someone so cruel because I cannot love my dad or even forgive him.

Alot of the events of my life ( things I'm not going to go into) swim in my mind. Why did I choose this life? Am I going the right way to make it worth my while?

I get told I am to hard on myself and I sometimes see that I am. But how can you not expect the best from yourself and can't everyone see that it is them I am trying to protect and take care of? It has been my job my WHOLE life to take care of others and I have broken myself a few times just to be able to do it. Now I feel as though I need a break, I want someone to take care of me for just a little while so I can get back on my feet. But I am to picky things must be done a certain way or I have horrible panic attacks. I have obsessive complusion and I used to have to leave the house when anyone else would do the dishes because they would do them wrong. I am getting better I think, but I have gone to the opposite extreame now. It started that I would just go in the other room so I didn't have to see how they cleaned because it was my decision that I nolonger wanted to be solely responsible. I'd turn the music up really loud and try not to sence it being done. Then I got hurt really bad and had to be taken care of. I laid and watched my whole house destroyed and could do nothing. (It wasen't really that bad but it was to me at the time.) I got tired of being taken care of, I ran out of money so I took one last trip to the doctors and got told one more time that they couldn't help me without surgery. I wanted to die, I should have died with all the pills I took. It was my third time trying to commit suicide. Everytime I should have died but somehow I made it through. I no longer want to die but I am resentfull that I must now be carefull with everything I do or I might get hurt and have to be taken care of again because when I'm being taken care of life stops and nothing gets done. So now I am just so mad I don't care if anything gets done. I am a perfectionest that decided that nothing can be perfect so why even try. But I feel guilty and that is where my misery sets in. So I try to do things and drive everyone crazy because they think I am going back to my old ways that drove them crazy. And who can blame them it is not easy living with someone who thinks you do everything wrong.


But day by day I am learning how to live again and trying to let some things go. I'm trying to face my fears. I'm trying for the first time to be a part of the world and not just looking from the side lines. I used to think no one would ever except me or love me but I've found wonderfull people who do all of those things and more. And even now you all that don't even know me have reached out to comfort me in my great time of need. My heart is filling up and slowly pushing out the pain. I've started doing more things in the last week that I had not done in a long time and really letting myself enjoy life without so much guilt about not doing other things as much. Thank you all so much for lifting me up.
Lots of love and Blessed Be

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pisces-girl
Knowflake

Posts: 207
From:
Registered: Jun 2004

posted September 08, 2004 10:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pisces-girl     Edit/Delete Message
Alice Rabbit,

My heart reaches out to you. I'm sending you light and love right now. I feel your pain. I'm holding back tears. I know how you feel. I remember my bedroom door was removed too...

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