posted January 13, 2005 09:44 PM         

I live with my grandmother. And in the past year, we've been having a really tough time. My uncle, her son, died in a car crash last January. It really affected her, because he was a part of our immediate family triangle. Since then, her health has been going down hill. In February she started to get very bad back pains. They've been going on and off, but just a couple of days ago she started to have really bad extreme pain in her lower back- she's a Leo, I wonder about that- and we had to go to the emergancy room today.

But what I'm very worried about is her mental health. She's getting Alzheimers, it's very plain for me to see. It's been developing since probably shortly before my uncle died, but it's just getting worse, I can tell. We went to Madrid for Christmas break, and when we went to visit her sister, she pulled me aside and told me that she really noticed that there was something wrong with my grandmother. And then my grandma got mad because she overheard us, (and she's a very, very proud person) and was yelling at me because supposedly I "tell everyone" that she's senile. I just started crying, because not only is my Spanish pretty rough, making it hard to communicate to my great aunt, but also I just couldn't take it anymore.

I could write a book with all of the examples that make me question her mental faculties, but I won't go into that. Another friend of our family told me when he was driving me somewhere that it seemed as though my grandmother's no longer taking care of me, but I of her. And that's what is happening, and even though I'm pretty used to it, it is taking a toll on me.

But something pretty big happened tonight. After we left the hospital, my grandma and I were going to go to Walgreens. At the intersection in front of it, she turned and went into an opposite-direction lane. She then drove onto the middle curve thingy, reversed, and spent about two minutes finally going in a circle, nearly getting us killed. When she drove into Walgreens, a policeman stopped us.

He was probably the rudest authority that I've ever met, it was awful. Adding to the fact that my grandmother was acting like she really was senile, just saying "Oh, I'm sorry, I just made a mistake". We parked and got out of the car, he asked me how old I was, I told him fifteen, and he said mockingly "Huh, she's even better off driving". He was just saying really snide things, and then just blew us off and went back into his car, I guess probably in disbelief. My grandma had told him that we just wanted to go to Walgreens, and when we got back into our car to gather our stuff, the police guy said into his speakers, harshly "Well, just go into Walgreens, that's all you wanna do, go into Walgreens".

It was horrible. While we were waiting for her pain killers I just sat down and cried. I don't cry very often, but I'm just reaching the point where I don't know what to do anymore. We don't have a lot of family. She's the only person in my immediate family. Which is equally bad because subsequentally I'm the only one who really understands that she's getting bad. My uncle was beginning to notice it before he died, but yeah. Everytime I tell her that she needs to tell her doctor we get into a big argument because she thinks that if she has it, her doctor would tell her. Which is completely stupid, because her doctor sees her, what, one hour every three weeks?

Ugh, I'm just so stressed. School, and this, and I just don't know, I'm just really miserable. And I needed someplace to vent because my best friend's line has been busy all night and I don't know.

posted January 13, 2005 11:05 PM         

You poor thing. Gah, you sure have your plate full for being so young. In fact I'm amazed at your wisdom and strength at such a young age. You'll be fine. Someday, you'll be able to look back at this night and crack up, with fond memories of your grandmother.....until then enjoy her, and be sure to take care of yourself. You have a huge heart and strong family ties which is wonderful. But please, don't let yourself get run down, it will not only mentally but physically take its toll on you. I'm talking from experience. Step back....take a deep breath.

posted January 16, 2005 07:10 PM         

Remember your not alone with all of us here, you can always come to us when you feel overwhelmed. You do have every right to get tired sometimes, rest your head on our sturdy shoulders whenever you need to.