posted February 09, 2007 01:24 AM         

http://www.nzfvc.org.nz/accan/speakers/durrant.shtml

posted February 09, 2007 03:03 PM         

Imagine yourself as a 4 year old, and your mother doesnt talk to you the whole day. what kind of guilt feelings you wud develop ??? i shudder at the thought. I go crazy if someone i love stops talking to me. What a passive-aggressive way to deal with things.

And this is precisely what he used to do to cope with his own feelings of anger. just stop talking to me. he wudnt even accept to HIMSELF that he is angry.

Besides, he had the deep seated feeling that he was 'inadequate' and 'not good enuf'. that his parents loved him only bcoz he was their kid, as if they were obligated to.

My parents used to slap me if i did something i really should not have done...mostly like being rude to elders, or really misbehaving. or when my sister and I got embroiled in a fight and were oblivious to everything, like where the pillow went or where we hit each other....lol. but gosh i think i needed it sometimes ! and they wud always hug me later and apologize. and all wud be well

so i say there is some good in spanking !

posted February 09, 2007 04:55 PM         

I would never lay a finger on our lovely little boy....

He came home a while back and said one of the kids at school hit another kid...

And then added 'do you think children hit each other cos their mother;s hit them.....you would never hit me would you Mum"

Of course I wouldnt hit a child....no more than I would wish to be hit by someone twice my size!!!!!

posted February 09, 2007 06:17 PM         

it is quite the accepted norm in my country for kids to be slapped if they do something wrong. AND i wudnt say that the kids there are any more violent than the kids here.

i feel that things can never be black and white. i am NOT saying that spanking is all good. i am just saying that it is not all bad. anything carried to extremes is not good.

yeah i wudnt like to be hit by someone twice my size, but there is a difference if that someone is a stranger or my mother/father.

posted February 09, 2007 06:42 PM         

However I agree wholehearedly with this reader:

quote:

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Scott from Denver, writes, "Associating pain with physical danger is very important. I reserve spanking my 2-year-old daughter for any behavior which can cause her serious negative, or even deadly, consequences."

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Very young children do not necessarily understand cause-and-effect. They do not understand potentiality. They do not get that of they run out into the street without looking, a car could potentially be coming down that street at the same time and hit them. I do not think putting them in time-out neceessarily works for this type of scenario - maybe when they are older and can understand cause and effect, but before than, I don't see it as effective as getting to point across, when a child's life and well-being is at sake, that "You CANNOT do THAT!".

I also agree with the reader that said you need to match the discipline to the child. Some children do not need to be spanked to avoid running out into the street. Telling them not to do it is enough. But not all kids are like that. Some kids are more independent and more eager to meet the world head-on, and those are the kind that may need that.

Furthermore, it doesn't have to be violent (i.e. an attack on the child) to be effective, and it doesn't necessarily have to be that painful to get the kid's attention. Just the fact that a parent is making the physical act of taking control of the child's body to curb a certain behavior isn't necessarily abuse - in some cases that's responsible parenting, like if the child's having a meltdown and is slamming their head on the wall. Taking control of a child's body or limiting their movement is kinetic communication, and like any other from of communication, it can be done effectively or ineffectively. And spanking is just one form of kinetic communication - do it properly and responsibly, and it's effective.

posted February 09, 2007 07:15 PM         

the fact is, it doesnt even need to cause physical pain. like you said, the very fact that physical contact was made is enough to get the point across to a kid who may not understand cold logic.

and then yes, it is case to case. some kids r more sensitive and timid. whereas some r quite outgoing and impatient/bratty. of course they need a different way of disciplining.

out of my two parents, it was my mother i was really close to. and it was she who did the displining. and she never hit me unless i did something really bad. it was never to insult me, or to vent her anger on me. i never felt scared of her, or threatened in any way. how can i, she loved me so much. the only message i got was that i was not supposed to repeat the behavior that caused her to get that upset with me. in fact, spanking became lesser and lesser as i grew up and became more easy to reason with. by the time i was 10, it had completely stopped.

and yes, spanking can be done in love rather than in anger. it is not equal to hitting. and i believe that even at a very young age kids r able to make out when they r being spanked out of love, and when it is anger/violence. i wud not worry about kids getting the wrong message.

posted February 13, 2007 03:46 AM         

How many children do you have? And have you slapped them....if so do you think when they are older, they will thank you for it?

I ask because I was slapped and hated it....it left me feeling powerless and humiliated...

posted February 14, 2007 08:33 AM         

Recently my father apologised for hitting me when I was a child.....it took him over 40 years to do so....

He admitted he was in the wrong, and that meant the world to me (and to him i know). It has created a closeness between us, to know that he had the humility to apologise...

posted February 14, 2007 02:22 PM         

anyways, i was not talking about slapping/spanking older children. i understand that hurts the ego.

and no, i dont have any children. I believe that the most important thing is that kids be brought up with love, patience and maturity. But i don't believe in drawing up rules and classifying things as black and white. These things r very subjective and it is most of the times a jugdment call. i realize that parenting isn't easy.

You have found your path. I hope i will find mine.

Anyways, may be its a cultural thing and someone from a different culture cannot understand it. I dont blame you.

ILWL

*edit* Ok last try....lemme see if i can explain. I suppose u wud be shocked if i told u that i slapped some of my closest buddies. and i suppose u wont believe it if i told u they slapped me back. And i dont expect you to believe it if i told u that we did it for FUN (besides pillow fighting and mud wrestling and pulling each other's hair). also i guess u wud find it hard to believe that saying thank you is banned between my friends. i actually get angry with my dearest friends if they start thanking me. ditto for them.

*sigh* I think i have succeeded in convincing you now tht we r a bunch of hooligans whom u'd never understand don't worry, u r not the only one

posted February 14, 2007 03:29 PM         

There is no way one can comprehend the feelings you will go through....

Its all pure conjecture......

You would have to experience being a mother before you can truly pass comment.....and feel those words.

I never throught in a million years I would be blessed with so much patience......but I have been....

Am so glad I have learned not to do what was done to me....I have broken the pattern which some cannot do...

As for slapping friends......i remember doing that when I was around 7 or 8....

posted February 14, 2007 06:50 PM         

but i have been a kid. and that was my reference point the whole time. i hope that is clear.

thanks
ILWL

p.s. btw, if anything i feel that i should be the one apologizing to my parents (specifically my mother) for all the trouble i gave them as a kid. i have no hard feelings against them at all. i am grateful to them for the good upbringing that i had. and that is the source of my opinion that *sometimes* in *some* cultures spanking of the kids *may not* leave the child scarred for life. Is that really hard to believe? that is all i am trying to say here. i am not advocating that people start slapping their kids just bcoz i think its not necessarily a bad thing. May be i wasn't clear about what i meant. i hope i am clear now.