posted June 30, 2008 08:11 PM         

my mind, heart, soul are swimming in some kind of mud that is bearing all its weight on me. i can't shake it.

i have been in a relationship with my female partner for almost 16 years, we have 2 kids who are 7 & 4. i have not been working for almost 8 years.

for several years i lived the lie by pretending to be straight. i am out and i am living another lie:
i am at a point where i know that i cannot continue for much longer in this relationship. my partner is a good woman, we do not have fun together anymore, though. we are roommates and that is all that is left.

we both know that this will end someday, i cannot do it yet.

we have been through three therapists in our 16 years. i have been to 2 on my own. i have grown and changed in a different direction than she. i need to hang on at least a couple more years, though.

when i say bye, the only things i get are money from the house and car because that is what my name is on. so i am doing nothing until i know i can provide for my children. i will not lose them.

i am tired and some days all i want to do is sit and meditate but that is sooo not realistic. i am tilting, even though i have always lived on the edge.

i ask for some lIght and lOve to aid me through.

posted July 03, 2008 08:02 AM         

the power of prayer or group prayer/meditation is amazingly beautiful.

my sorrow is a push for change. thanks you all.

posted July 03, 2008 09:07 AM         

I can relate to some of what you are going through.

Hope it gets easier soon.

posted July 06, 2008 12:52 AM         

Are you attracted to any females? Are you attracted to only men? Is this attraction a strictly physical one? If not, then what is it about the male archetype that you lust after? Have you been having sexual encounters behind your wife's back? Have you ever even had a homosexual experience? Did you have it during your relationship? Have you told her?

Is she open minded to you experimenting while not ending the relationship permanently? Do you feel guilty about having sexual feelings towards men? Do you find that declaring yourself "out of the closet" some sort of liberation?

If we can deduce that one hole is just as good as another, do you question your true affinity towards masculine energy? Do you feel bored/lost/empty without being penetrated from something outside of you (physically, mentally, emotionally)

Do you identify your own energy as somewhat feminine in nature, such as embracing, secondary or complementary to others?

You said something along the lines of, "I know everything we need is inside of us, but I am no island." -- What do you think of the idea that what it is you crave is a feeling and not a body-- a feeling that makes more sense than anything you could ever derive from the relationship you have now?

Bottom line, you are where you are. Do you owe your kids a father? I believe anyone who is a parent owes their children. It is reckless to bring them in without a true resolve to finish the job. You already know that.

Do you owe a relationship that has faded through time? No, but are you equally as responsible as your spouse? Have you tried truly understanding her heart? Does she care to share?

I know LindaLand is a great place to come and ask for support, but the one reason I don't come here so much is because of the benign passivity that just reeks of escapism, boredom, stagnation. The same feelings I felt from your post.

I know everyone's path is uniquely their own, but I wouldn't have written this unless I felt a deep compulsion to spout these written words to you and to myself simultaneously. Anyone who speaks otherwise is either a master who one who strives to be, and for those who know, those who strive to be are all around us.

With this I want to say to you, what I would like to say to myself and the rest of LindaLand. Buck up and accept the suffering. It's one of Buddha's golden truths or whatnot. To find who you are amidst the suffering will only breed compassion for others not yet able to face it head on with awareness. Not that that should be your first motivation. Do what you must do, but never take the easy way- it's always the escape. There is no easy way... swallow this whole.

I can feel the suffering, I can accept it, yet I am not yet able to swim threw it without complete courage. That's me, where I am.

posted July 06, 2008 09:57 PM         

love that!! i will keep that always in my mind.

lalala-

you are NO ONE to judge me about being an escapist, bored, stagnant. accept suffering, what do you know about my life and my suffering? nothing; i accept more than you know. does that mean that it is not hard? no, it is hard. buddha taught that in accepting our emotions we take responsibility for ours-elves. we learn to feel the pain and learn how to work with it for a change. in order to change we must understand what it is we are truly feeling and we must let those feelings out. we are not to suppress them. buddha also taught that in accepting our emotions we are not to negate them; we are allowed them whatever that may be for we each go a different journey and we are not to compare.

i do not blame anyone for where i am. why even blame mys-elf when that is counter-productive. i am working on the solution and it is not easy to arrive at. hence my post. i do know that i am here because of MY choices. i take responsibilty and do not expect anyone to clean up after me. i got it together, honey. i read a lot of these other posts where people want to put their problems on something beyond their control. i am way too old for that **** .

i am a lesbian through and through. i have known it for over 30 years and i have been out for almost 20. i love men for they are people and be-ings; it is not sexual and i could not enter into a relationship with a man again.

is it a feeling i crave? yes and no. i feel life, i feel lOve even when i am alone. there is that sense of well be-ing of knowing God, nature and my angels are with me, in me and i part of the whole. these words can do no justification for the feelings that i get of be-ing whole and complete with what/who i am.

however, i would like to lay next to a woman and know that there is a friendship so deep that it is. to feel a connection of Spirit with a woman like i do when i am alone. there is a tinge of lonliness, though. for all of what/who I AM, i would like to share more. i have friends and i do not deny mys-elf to them but it is a different level of intimacy i talk about.

my kids do not need a "father" figure. they have two parents, both women. i carried, my partner adopted them. that is family for us. i have tried to understand her heart and her. i cannot produce what is not there, though.

lalala, i hope you find what you seek. we deserve to give ours-elves the happiness we are entitled to. that is what i am slowly but surely be-ing.