posted August 13, 2009 10:33 AM         

Hello peoples.
In view of the recent posts on “Health and Healing” about raw foods and how to go on a raw diet I feel compelled to share my story. It's NOT about going raw. LOL.

Hopefully it will make sense to you. Maybe it would help somebody who is struggling with same issues.

I recently woke up from a long scary dream of depression and resignation. Everything changed overnight when I had some kind of an epiphany about my diet and social life.

See, my diet IS my social life. LOL. I do eat my feelings. LOL.
There was nothing romantic or poetic about it. Just pure desperation and gluttony.

This is how it usually went:

“Go hang out with your friends!”
“Friends? What friends? Let’s see what I can find in the fridge.”
“Mmmmm… ice-cream… cookies… maybe it’s time for a sandwich?”
“Oh, I can get pizza or Chinese, why do I have to cook? They will even deliver it to my door!”
“Ughh… I am so full… I think I will take a nap now…”

I was irritable, bloated, constipated, miserable…

I ate everything in sight. After I got to the US in 2003, I was eager to try every new thing! I went to the supermarket and marveled at all the food. There was so much I have never had or even seen before! Nothing was off limits. Heck, I never had the opportunity to roll in this abundance before! My soul was hungrier than my belly and it wanted to experiment! Curiosity did not kill the cat (yet!) but it sure made her FAT! LOL.

I lived like that FOR YEARS. I went from size 2 to almost 16!
I found all kinds of excuses to do what I did with food and social life.

"Mmm... I will eat some more of this cake and I won't eat any tomorrow."
"I can always walk this off!"
"Leftovers should not be thrown out or wasted - think of the starving children in Africa!"
Or
“It’s too late now, I don’t want to go out, and I have to work tomorrow…”
“Who is there to see? I don’t relate to those people, we have nothing in common…”
“They are your friends, not mine, I need my own…”

I was afraid to go out and meet people and after a few years of eating everything in sight, I felt TOO FAT (and I was )to go out and enjoy social interaction. I couldn’t bear to look myself in the mirror so I didn’t. For months.
On the rare occasions when I went out, I didn’t feel good about myself and people just ignored me. Nobody likes a downer and nobody likes to be pitied.

Now to the blessed part.

I don’t know how the shift happened. Something switched on in my brain. One beautiful morning I woke up and decided I have hit rock bottom. There was no other way but up.
Now, I have dieted before. My ideal weight is between 110-115 lbs and I have maintained that for most of my life by eating less, walking around everywhere, being around people, falling in love and out of love, BURNING, not flickering. LOL.

This time was going to be different though. I swore I would not substitute one addiction for another. I would do it gradually and deliberately. I would be aware of the process all the way through so I remember later. That was my problem before - I did not pay enough attention to the details. Yeah, I was losing weight but why? Why was I eating less? Was I doing it in a healthy way? How can I love MYSELF enough to follow through with this? Do I really need the love and care of ANOTHER to do it?
I had more questions than answers. LOL.

So, instead of sitting around asking all those questions, I went and signed up for the local gym. I still had all the questions but working out somehow made them less important. I did not have to answer them. Not now. Exercising gave me wings. I felt better so I went out. I met new people. I bought new clothes, make-up…
And then my body began to melt. Every time I went to the gym, I weight myself after the workout. Sometimes there was no progress but that just made me want to work that much harder so there would be a difference next time! I was drunk on myself. I was high on myself. The desperation was gone and people started noticing.

How many times have you heard that physical exercise is good for the spirit? A thousand times? I know, I did. I read about it, heard about it, dreamed about it…
BUT NEVER DID IT. It was just another fluke, something people say when they don’t know how else to help…
AND THEN I DID IT.
God smiled down on me.

After a bit of working out and losing some lbs I began changing my diet. I have watched my body go through weight shifts before and it seemed that it responded very well to the exclusion of carbs and dairy from my daily diet. Logically – that’s exactly what I decided to do. No more bread, pasta, cookies, sweets, soft cheeses or milk! However there was something new this time around. I was not going to beat myself up over an occasional slip up. Forgiving myself, loving myself, loving the process, being kind to myself were the keys.

Guess what I do when I am really craving chocolate? You guessed it: I have a piece of chocolate. Just one. I eat it slowly and savor every bite. When it is gone, it is gone. There need not be another one. Chocolate is my friend, not my enemy. Chocolate loves me as much as I love it and we are gentle with each other.

Bread and pasta? I never really liked them. Those were easy to give up. I do have them on occasion but always in moderation and always covered in veggies.

Milk? I grew up on milk! I used to have a bowl of sugared bread with milk every morning. I slowly switched to granola and milk, then oats and milk, then oats without milk… Now my breakfast consists of fresh fruit.

Cheese? This one was a little easier. Feta cheese is a staple food in Bulgarian cuisine but other than Feta there was not much else there. Eating it occasionally does not make me hungry for more and it fits nicely with the moderation theory

I eat a lot less now.

Not eating carbs helps with the cravings. Not eating red meat makes me feel lighter.

I lost 30 pounds in 4 months.

I wake up every morning and I look at myself in the mirror. I am getting older. LOL. But I don't mind. Then I weight myself. Yup, still 30 more pounds to lose.
Can I do it? Abso-friggin-lutely!

posted August 17, 2009 08:09 AM         

I don't doubt you will get to where you want to be.

posted August 17, 2009 09:24 AM         

Zala, I will re-post it soon. "Everything in moderation" is what I strive for, not sure that my original post stuck to that though.

While I love extremist statements and can see the value in going "cold turkey" about one's diet or breaking an addiction, I have found that being gentle and kind to myself works best for me.

posted August 17, 2009 01:23 PM         

I liked your story because I can so relate. Only while everything you said about gaining weight pertains to post being in the US, with me, its more of a cultural thing where from childhood, parents love chubby cheeked children, growing up a sign of good parenting is well fed kids etc. We were never obese because as children one plays a lot but eventually no one realizes that as one grows older, the portion of food has to get less coz we don't need as much due to reduced activity.

I think after I turned 25, i started to gain weight though i eat the same amount - in fact a bit less than what i did in school. Of course because i do not move as much and a distorted sense of portion control. I have around 20 pounds to lose in all (yes that may not seem like much but when you've kept it for almost 2 years, that indicates a problem rt? ). I understand what you mean about being kind to yourself. It is the approach i am using this time. Before, i would keep waking up - several one fine mornings - and decide to quit cold turkey but it was only a matter of time before everything came back. Always does with superficial cures. Now though i've cut back on many things, when i feel like it, i give in and i try to stop before gorging. Hopefully, this time i'll be successful coz i'm aiming for a lifestyle change and not just weight loss.

Regarding what you said about the nagging voice "What if all this is all in vain? What if you are wrong? What's REALLY driving you - health or vanity?" - here's the deal Yin, for WHATEVER reason, health or vanity, its GOOD for you to lose weight so that's still a neat bottom line.

posted August 17, 2009 08:42 PM         

It is so Saggie-like to eat and go overboard on the goodness...can I ever relate...Sag Sun, Asc, Mars & Jupiter...

Thank you for re-posting...it's really inspiring and tonight, I'm going out to walk my dog before it gets dark.

Good for you though, I'm really happy to see that you're feeling the changes and enjoying what you see and feel in yourself.

posted August 18, 2009 04:53 PM         

quote:

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Now my breakfast consists of fresh fruit.

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posted August 18, 2009 06:11 PM         

Thank you for sharing! *hugs*

posted August 18, 2009 06:12 PM         

Thank you for sharing! *hugs*

posted August 19, 2009 12:38 PM         

I am trying to live according to my principles (which adjust more often than I care to admit. LOL.) and lose the rest of the weight.

It is not easy to be balanced. I tend to get stuck in a rut and avoid taking risks which affects my diet big time.
I need to constantly challenge myself about the way I think of food.
Talking about it, trying new recipes, fasting on a particular food (f.e. had only watermelon yesterday) all help.

posted August 19, 2009 06:39 PM         

There is so much I can relate to Yin

posted August 20, 2009 11:06 AM         

quote:

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Food needs to be exciting. I try to approach food with the same curiosity I approach people. Is it salty, bitter, sweet, crunchy, chewy etc. etc.? Would I like it? Would it satisfy me? Is it a mutually beneficial relationship? LOL.

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posted August 20, 2009 11:22 AM         

Grind nuts like sunflower seeds, almonds and whatever else nuts you have handy in a coffee grinder or a food processor.

Add some ground up goji berries.

Add coconut water

Stir.

It tasted better than any shake I have ever had.

posted August 20, 2009 11:57 AM         

Whoever thought of that
must be a genius.

psst...
Flaxseeds work good, too.

Healthier than any
so-called "protein shake".
Tastes like dessert.

posted August 20, 2009 10:44 PM         

1 whole beet, scrubbed and cut into chunks
1 whole apple, cut into chunks
3 whole carrots, scrubbed and cut into 1 inch pieces
1 large handful of fresh parsely

posted August 23, 2009 01:30 PM         

Way to go Yin! The recipe sounds great but coming by coconut water and the berries where I live is gonna be a lil difficult.