posted May 31, 2014 03:44 AM            

When my Twin contacted me to have lunch with him and his coworkers in only three days' time, I wasn't sure how to respond; I'd flat been avoiding him. Most of our communication was laced with an undercurrent of frustration with little digs and barbs. It was easier than putting up with more of it, so, I just ... distanced even more.

Of course, I miss him. But I'm realistic, too.

But then we saw each other.

And all of the difficulties, all of the complications, all of the pain, fear, and lost time just faded away. All that was left was ... us.

He initiated it; in his usual, casual Sagittarian way. This time, however, I was determined to commit it to memory. The feel of him. The moment.

I have a photograph; my eyes somehow stray to his fingertips around my shoulder. Every damned time. I can still feel it, that's the thing. I can recall it.

It was ...

I fail to accurately articulate any of it.

The rest of everything around us simply fades, or lessens in intensity, but doesn't quite change hue. It's just less of a distraction. Almost ambiguous. Amorphous.

We, on the other hand, are. What we are, I don't know. All I can say is that we become a bright, high-contrast speck against the grey. And we shine; oh, do we shine.

Compared to whatever it is we generate, all else is shifted into the background. Unintentional. Unconscious. We become the focus in sharp relief. Living colour. Luminescent. Glowing.

The tone is easy. The flow is natural. Our comfort and familiarity with one another trumps all else at the table.

It's not intended.

It just is.

Undeniable. Mildly disconcerting. And, in its way, tragically disappointing.

But let's not dive ahead too far, or, fall too far back, depending upon your perspective.

My Guardian was fittingly the one who attended with me. He's much more familiar with the outer reaches of the metroplex. I felt safe in his hands; we were embarking upon a mad adventure, rather than tackling unknown terrain. It was rather exciting, in fact. On the way, I filled in all the minutiae, all the details; all which makes him what he is.

My nemesis.

We'll never really be friends. There's no real option to be anything but, either. Too much distance and fear. We're too bonded, and he can't allow intimacy in such close proximity, such tight emotional quarters.

And yet, I have this strange sense it's unavoidable to some extent. That it MUST happen. Somehow, in some fashion.

But I can't see it from here. Not logically. I can't even begin to connect the dots in between. It feels very distant, quite impossible; inconceivable.

It's as if I now love myself too much to continue loving him the way I once did.

What a terribly bittersweet thing!

And yet, somehow, it all falls away when I'm with him. We were adjacent to each other, choosing to be near; we do this, and never speak of it: these little accommodations and allowances. They used to be the norm. Our status quo.

He finally stopped calling. It took him two years of trying, consistently. He realised I wouldn't answer, and I couldn't really say why. Instead, I came across contradictory, rather than confused, torn, and simply trying to protect myself from more pain, without losing him, and what we had, completely.

But it's gone now. It has to be. By this point, it must be. Finally.

And I was wondering if, you were gonna change your mind, and ... I was wondering when, you were gonna leave me; always being left behind .... 'cause everything you do to me was everything I couldn't see, and now I know I'll always be ... naked with you ....

I haven't any explanation why he waited until the very last minute when he'd known for two months. Whether it's true, his having no knowledge of the several hours of layover between departure and arrival.

All I do know is that he invited me. He only had room for two, given the parametres of budget. Just two more.

He didn't invite his best guy friend who moved here a few months ago with his girlfriend, a mutual friend. He could have certainly invited them, quite easily, in fact.

He didn't.

He called and asked - no, he told - me.

'I want you to meet me for lunch.'

Never had he been so forward in his words; never. I'd always wanted him to.

It seems we only acted once it was too late. I'm not sure why. Fear? Perhaps. I realised I'd finally have The Conversation, if he was conducive. Ready.

I don't think so.

For all the ways he hurt me and successfully managed to get me to back off so completely, neither will have the conversation that would bring closure. Finality.

So, he called for years. I never answered.

Now he's finally stopped ... and I ... I don't know.

Good-bye has never been truly in my vocabulary with him; a part of any real dialogue. Not one we've ever had, or wanted to.

So I suppose we say nothing, do nothing, until we absolutely will have to, next summer, or the one after. Until we're filming. Until we're stuck with each other, and can't tank the entire show because of our unresolved nonsense.

But at this point, I don't want to see him. Talk to him. Think about it. Have anything to do with him. Complicated, because I feel him. Sense him. See him in my own reflection; in my eyes, my smile. In me. I close my eyes and, if deeply relaxed, happen to glimpse what he does, or his own reflection. I feel what he does. His emotions actualise through me; the disowned ones. The ones he won't accept because they're too difficult.

But I don't want to deal with him. Or any of it.

Nothing has changed. It feels most likely that it never will.

He keeps his distance with everyone - but me. He let no one in - but me. He loved me - and won't forgive himself for it. Or me.

What other choice have I but to deny my own destiny? To opt for the free-will alternative, and continue along the path I'm walking? To take these matters firmly into my own hands, and be stronger?

I'll never be ready to end this. To let him go. To be free of it, and him. Never.

That doesn't mean I won't do it anyway. After all, when there's no such time as the right one, you simply decide arbitrarily.

I hate that Gotye song. I never thought he'd be just somebody that I used to know.

He didn't want this. Neither did I. 'Tragically disappointed,' were his words should we be unable to be in each other's lives. I told him, early 2013, I wasn't able to be his friend. I just wasn't, as embarrassing as that truth was. He said we'd be tragically disappointed.

... And there is always something there to remind me. Sigh.

I was born to love him, and I will never be free; he'll always be a part of me.

She’s his heart, his war-torn country that he’ll come home to rebuild, passport in hand and flag clutched proudly in his fist. The haunted hallways of his childhood, shadows passing under closed doors and muffled screams and crying children—he buried it far from his skin and wandered aimlessly for decades. They’ve built their homes, their native lands, in each other.

That passage always gets me.

Sigh.

Oh, well.

... all these places have their moments, of lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead, and some are living. In my life, I've loved them all.

posted May 31, 2014 04:07 AM            

*HUGS* to you.

posted May 31, 2014 04:11 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lunae:
Oh my... that's heartbreakingly beautiful, Indigo. And the composite, just wow.

*HUGS* to you.

---

Thanks, Lunae. :: hugs :: to you as well. I've seen you're going through quite a thing yourself, if I recall?

iQ calls that crazy 1H smorgasbord a journey of convergence. Our purpose was to simply be together.

posted May 31, 2014 04:49 AM            

You know, the way you wrote it, your feelings clearly come across. It's like I could almost see you seeing your TF in yourself.

posted May 31, 2014 06:55 AM            

I feel you,

but...

posted May 31, 2014 01:33 PM            

I don't know what to do anymore. I've hurt enough. We both have. Maybe I am running. I told myself if he called again, I would answer. He hasn't.

I've been trying to decide when to send him an email. Obviously, not the upcoming Mercury Wretch.

I think I'm just tired. Of all of it. I spent 2012, the first year after we had full honesty, letting everyone influence me: to obsess and be preoccupied with a gameplan.

I'm afraid to email him to say it's over. Completely. I just figured I'll never be ready for it, and, therefore, miss the moment I should end it.

I honestly don't know what to do.

It's straight out of the Lane and Fiona playbook.

He won't acknowledge how much she means to him - until she's gone. Or, granted, he thinks she is. Then, of course, he has his moment of panic. But he keeps lying to her. Enough becomes enough, she leaves.

The question was always, did he stop her from leaving because he discovered their connexion and greater destiny - or because of his personal feelings? Everyone certainly got the feeling he just didn't want to admit it. And he doesn't: until she puts his feet to the fire, saying she's leaving unless their relationship changes from the vacillating, ambiguous mess it had been since she started working at his company, eight years (I think) prior.

But it does. We all agreed it was because of his realisation of the connexion. In story terms, Fate knew the backbone of the plot, and was delighted to develop it.

My life changed drastically after that; I left the abusive relationship I had been in for the past four years. Less than a year later, I'd move to Los Angeles. He'd say it was because 'I wanted to know what it was like being west of him'. I laughed and said, 'yes, everything I do revolves around you.'

We tried to give them a happy ending, after a damned good story. It was a fantastic project. Maybe someday, we'll complete it and share it as it always deserved to be.

I shared our composite with him once; I'm going to say it was in 2007 - something of our prime in those dynamics. I remember being floored by it, as I'd never seen anything remotely like it. He asked me what it meant. I said I honestly wasn't sure. But that I did have some ideas.

'That we're soulmates?' he offered.

I fumbled. I knew what HE meant; even though we all term things differently. I made some vague response.

He wasn't being honest with me. I couldn't allow myself to feel what I felt. I thought it'd fade in its time, too.

It's gone into the void with everything else he said but no longer remembers (oh, he remembers) or 'didn't think he said' but 'just doesn't recall either way'.

It was easy to outline their relationship. As characters in a grand story which we were designing, certain things were absolute; undeniable truths.

Their mentors, the ageing attorney / necromancer and astrologer / sole proprietor had become a sort of Ghosts of Christmas Future worst-case-scenario: Sol and Christine.

They were the Twin Flames who were permanently prevented from staying together due to really bad karma.

They never got over each other, either; never moved on. Christine went on to settle more karma with another character. Sol acted as if he had no opinion on it. They can't be civil to each other for more than five minutes, if that, and ended up avoiding each other completely. One or both would always have a barb for the other. Always. No one ever uttered the words, 'I'm sorry,' or not in a very long time.

It was clear that Fiona and Lane were observing some sort of hell-stricken version of each other and their future relationship. Everyone else saw it, too. But ... Lane kept lying. And, one day, she couldn't take it.

Sol and Christine were the tragic disappointment. And it is truly tragic.

But this is ... no story.

There's no absolute writer penning a tale. No one can pass down undeniable proof of anything. Unlike Fiona, I can't share plot information in a desperately worded email that will drive the story forward, inciting Lane to tell the truth and accept the destiny before them - the important work ahead.

Fate instead runs, in his way, by calling me crazy, and stinging with that SCO Dwad SUN of his. And, you'd better believe, with MY 3H stellium, I barb right back.

In most cases. Not anymore.

We're both avoiding everything.

But, he didn't have to see me. He could easily have avoided the whole thing. Made the excuse that there was no layover. He might have convinced himself I'd do the research, catch him in his lie, as I uncovered the others. He's quite paranoid that way.

Desperately wants to be loved, then will attack you if you do. The wounded feral animal who'd strike at anyone that should offer to heal his wound, for fear they would lose them, tragic, having become dependent upon them.

He'd say that; 'I shouldn't be calling you.' It was an unhealthy dependence, he'd said.

Well, either way, it stopped.

posted May 31, 2014 01:42 PM            

I LOVE your story, how you tell it, but sometimes, just sometimes I get the feeling as if it is an attempt to detach from your own feelings (for Fate) and actual manifestion of them on the very physical every-day-life-plane.

I am sorry if that is too blunt or if I am wrong about it, it just felt like it.

Or I am projecting. Definitely in the realm of possibility with me.

posted May 31, 2014 01:44 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:

But this is ... no story.

---

That is what I mean. Should have read more carefully the first time around.

posted May 31, 2014 05:40 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
You know what Indigo?

I LOVE your story, how you tell it, but sometimes, just sometimes I get the feeling as if it is an attempt to detach from your own feelings (for Fate) and actual manifestion of them on the very physical every-day-life-plane.

I am sorry if that is too blunt or if I am wrong about it, it just felt like it.

Or I am projecting. Definitely in the realm of possibility with me.

---

No, it's a bit of that. The similarities are so undeniable, that I find myself shaking my head at them; wondering, even, if it's yet another script. All the others have been. And I've followed them.

But this one?

Fate was following a vague outline. He enjoyed the metaphysical purpose and larger-than-life implications of their dynamic. He loved the scenes in which their connexion caused things to go haywire, revealing the undeniable truth her understanding of reality couldn't accommodate, which was status quo for Lane.

Not for Fate.

He, as I am, is a scientist. And, as I once was, doesn't allow much room for anything outside of its explanations, laws, and dictates. Even if he believes in something greater.

He started calling me crazy in September 2012; then he chose it for the excuse to destroy me January 2013. Even if our communication breakdown was what was driving him mad, and the real reason - our being too close for a casual relationship - would come out at the end of it.

It was already done. And I no longer accepted the poor treatment. So, I 'left'. In whatever way I could. When he became employed at the job where he is now, I shelved the project, and called it done. We no longer had an excuse to stay in contact - the show.

Yet, he kept trying. And I'd ask myself: why? WHY? So you can hurt me - AGAIN? And again and again? No. No! No more! I'm done with that! Be friends? We can't be friends. You can't throw in and then suddenly reject the initial premise and run. And you CAN'T expect me to not hold you to the same standards I do my friends - regardless. Meaning, you can't run from a deeper relationship, destroy me and leave an impasse in its wake and expect I'll just go on and be your friend.

Is there something wrong with ME there? Did I fail one of the Trials of Psyche? I don't think so.

Friends. Not now, not ever. I won't be so dishonest; with him, or myself.

It is what it is, and that seems utterly hopeless.

I don't understand it. Any of it. We won't let go, and we won't move forward, and we won't move on.

I do distance myself from it. Because otherwise I became a pale version of myself that feels only half-alive.

posted May 31, 2014 05:51 PM            

He just carries himself with that classic Sagittarian devil-may-care joviality which is furthered by the friendly demeanour of that Aquarius Rising. So he SEEMS gravy.

But I never believe it. I never buy into his own hype. He used to love that about me. But then I 'shook his foundation'. I brought him to examine himself, his life, what he was doing with it. He realised how unhappy he was, and couldn't accept it. Then he blames me, of course, for bringing things to his attention he hadn't even observed.

And responded by tearing me down, too.

That had to stop. So, I made it stop. I detached. I distanced. It really hasn't changed, even if we can spend time together in a kind of easy social bliss.

What about when it gets one-on-one?

What about when things get REAL?

Then it will all fall apart. The pretty veneer will peel from the surface like a worn sticker.

I've just never wanted that moment - I dread that moment. The one where I have to say I don't want to know. Any of it. And, trust me, I won't share, either.

So we can live on this superficial level. Forever. And, in time, forget about the depths we plumbed, and how much further there was to go.

posted May 31, 2014 06:09 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
That is what I mean. Should have read more carefully the first time around.

Why don`t YOU call him? Why don´t you meet up again, just the two of you, and discuss it honestly, how it shall continue from now on?

---

I'm sure we're both equally terrified of that. Besides. If he wanted to talk to me, if I still mattered, he'd call. If just to try again. He tried SO MANY times ... one more? What's one more? Nothing, really. That, or everything, depending.

We're both equally satisfied in our dissatisfaction, I think. So long as we can deal with the reminders and the hard days, there's always tomorrow, and so much else to demand our attention. People, things, and obligations.

If he called, I could have asked about the cruise. He didn't.

Instead, he saw me as if to re-establish each other's mutual presence in the other's life.

And that's it.

I'm both agitated that it's not more than that, yet relieved. Ambivalent. Very ambivalent.

Do I want more?

... I've detached from that part of it all. From my feelings about it. It's a flatline. A sense of, 'wait - what?' Uhhhh ... ', because the alternative, the pain - that was too much.

I just don't think about the automatic responses, or the fact that if he were to up and be blatantly honest about everything - and if he really did miss me, and he's not over it - because I DON'T need the bloody disappointment, thank you.

I ran because ... I knew he'd eventually stop. I think. I never wanted him to, but I didn't want what things became, either. It was easier to run. Not be there for the barbs. To let them land on nothing.

I do think it's strange, on some level, that I ran rather than nurtured the fact he once wanted me to be a part of his life. At the time, by calling me on the way home from his commute.

Tomorrow will mark two months since he tried. That's a record. It's done. In that regard, he has moved on.

I don't think I ever wanted to lose that special place in his life, to have that meaning to him. But I did all I could to ruin it by running. I did.

I don't know why.

Fear of his impending breaking my heart, leading to the worst I'd known.

I think that was it. I KNEW. But I didn't want to know. I didn't want to say it. But I knew.

So I didn't take his calls, apologised in email weekly, and he called me crazy.

posted May 31, 2014 06:16 PM            

When I was reading about him asking to be friends, it reminded me of one of my favorite songs, I think it could be dedicated to several of the TF relationships I've read about on LL....there is so much passion and longing but still they can't come together and try to play it out as nothing....

"Who's going to ride your willd horses " U2

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well, you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

--Verse--
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of Thee?

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

--Verse--

Well, you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I needed revenge
Well, you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

--Verse--

Ah, the deeper I spin
Ah, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name

Under the trees, the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heaven's white rose
The doors you open I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around and don't look back
Come on now, love, don't you look back

posted May 31, 2014 06:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by maira:
That was a beautiful read, Indigo, thank you! There were passages in your story that I identified with (although I'm sure I couldn't put it in words so eloquently). I think that you have nothing to be sorry about and everything to be sorry about. Bittersweet, right?
Did you ever tell him that he is the love of your life?

---

Huh. No, maira, I didn't. But my breath caught when you mentioned it.

posted May 31, 2014 06:31 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IntuitiveJ:
What a beautiful story.
I identify with so much of what you wrote in regards to my own crazy situation.
I wish you ALL the best & knowing that everything happens for a reason is how I try & stay sane
Doesn't always work!!

---

I'm sorry to hear that, J. But I'm glad that it at least helps you by way of 'association'. At the very least, my art can help others feel, too. Ironic, considering my own fickle relationship to my emotions. But that's slowly changing.

posted May 31, 2014 06:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Your story is amazing, mind blowing in it's complete white knuckled clench it has on both of you but yet it's treated like a second thought?
That's like winning the lottery but you keep forgetting to turn in the ticket!?? Ugh, your strong to not have torn out all your hair by now!

When I was reading about him asking to be friends, it reminded me of one of my favorite songs, I think it could be dedicated to several of the TF relationships I've read about on LL....there is so much passion and longing but still they can't come together and try to play it out as nothing....

"Who's going to ride your willd horses " U2

---

I really resonate to the way you put things, Gabby. Pithy and perfect. Just biting enough to make me feel a tinge of (I know, believe me, I know) very unintended shame. Yet, it can't help but be there.

That song is one of which my husband is especially fond. He's introduced me to a great many things which have helped clarify or just allow me to feel some things.

I ought to listen to it again.

Yes, we both carry on as if it's nothing; a meaningless thing that can be shunted aside. But then the little voice says, 'what if it can?'

What if it's meant to?

What if, for all our aspirations to the contrary, some are simply here to give each other hell for one reason or another? Carelessness which led to the destruction of a civilisation? Maybe. Perhaps, that's the punishment.

And now I have Aida in my head.

posted May 31, 2014 08:25 PM            

Excruciating.

There where it all began.

Ready for another round, my love?

8sorry it is 2:22 a.m. here, I am talking to myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2PAg6neH8E

posted May 31, 2014 09:26 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Aida....

Excruciating.

There where it all began.

Ready for another round, my love?

8sorry it is 2:22 a.m. here, I am talking to myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2PAg6neH8E

---

Oh, Ceri, I think I'm just self-loathing enough today to click that link. And listen all the way through.

... Yep. Sigh. I am.

:: hugs ::

posted May 31, 2014 09:34 PM            

... Sigh.

'And it won't matter now; whatever happens to me. Though the air speaks of all we'll never be, it won't trouble me ... '

'So, come on, courage! Teach me to be shy. 'Cause it's not hard to fall --
And I don't want to scare him ...
It's not hard to fall --
And I don't want to lose.
It's not hard to go ...
When you know that you just ... don't know.'

Of course, I end with:

There's still a little bit of you left ... in my heart.

Oh, the pity party I'm throwing!

Wasn't this KAALI and LILITH aspect supposed to be, oh, I d'know - empowering? Yeeeeesh.

posted May 31, 2014 10:31 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I really resonate to the way you put things, Gabby. Pithy and perfect. Just biting enough to make me feel a tinge of (I know, believe me, I know) very unintended shame. Yet, it can't help but be there.

That song is one of which my husband is especially fond. He's introduced me to a great many things which have helped clarify or just allow me to feel some things.

I ought to listen to it again.

Yes, we both carry on as if it's nothing; a meaningless thing that can be shunted aside. But then the little voice says, 'what if it can?'

What if it's meant to?

What if, for all our aspirations to the contrary, some are simply here to give each other hell for one reason or another? Carelessness which led to the destruction of a civilisation? Maybe. Perhaps, that's the punishment.

And now I have Aida in my head.

... Not what I wanted!

---

But I don't think that is the case with you!
I feel there is a concrete answer for you, but you have to ask the right questions to the right ppl.
I think the a answer is less important, you don't know what questions to ask to point you both in the right direction... You don't know what to say to turn it around.
Your the only one that can figure that out and you will know what to say if you find the courage to try.
But nothing will ever happen or change without communication, take some time to meditate on it...and quietly focus on yourself for awhile. The questions that lead to your answers will come to you. You can't go on like this forever....how can you rise above pain if you don't try to remove yourself from it?

I hope I didn't cross any boundaries or offend you??

posted June 01, 2014 12:05 AM            

quote:

---

He just carries himself with that classic Sagittarian devil-may-care joviality which is furthered by the friendly demeanour of that Aquarius Rising. So he SEEMS gravy.

But I never believe it. I never buy into his own hype. He used to love that about me

---

Till here it's great! The tough woman! Men like it....

quote:

---

But then I 'shook his foundation'. I brought him to examine himself, his life, what he was doing with it. He realised how unhappy he was, and couldn't accept it. Then he blames me, of course, for bringing things to his attention he hadn't even observed

---

posted June 01, 2014 12:12 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
I wish I had the answer....I really really do! I didn't mean to make my comment sting...actually I feel your pain! Sometimes the answers are not easily seen, sometimes they seem so elusive they seem to slip through our hands before we ever got to feel them at all.

But I don't think that is the case with you!
I feel there is a concrete answer for you, but you have to ask the right questions to the right ppl.
I think the a answer is less important, you don't know what questions to ask to point you both in the right direction... You don't know what to say to turn it around.
Your the only one that can figure that out and you will know what to say if you find the courage to try.
But nothing will ever happen or change without communication, take some time to meditate on it...and quietly focus on yourself for awhile. The questions that lead to your answers will come to you. You can't go on like this forever....how can you rise above pain if you don't try to remove yourself from it?

I hope I didn't cross any boundaries or offend you??

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pUVxaYdgS_Q
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0rJTbJOeFMA

---

Not in the slightest, Gabby. Rather, I appreciate the fact that you'll speak your mind, offer advice, and be honest with it. THAT means more than anything.

I'm going to allow your words to stick in those places that are soft and vulnerable. That's where they need to go. Because I don't know the answers - you're spot on. I may not even know the questions. The right ones.