posted June 28, 2014 06:42 AM            

I wasn't really sure how to present this one. Special karma is a major focus of my astrological studies; perhaps my SUN being 2H, in the house of karmic relationships and special karma, is indicative of that. It's always 'illuminated'.

There's a lot involved. Personally speaking, this is a relationship of many dimensions and has changed both of our lives in many, crucial ways.

But the subject isn't what we are now; this is about what we've been, and how it impacts us here in the present. Karmic echoes, resounding into the present -- and future, if we don't deal with it now.

Dark special karma is a sensitive matter; it requires immediate (in this lifetime) balancing, and often takes the most love, evolution, and patience to transform.

I'm becoming a proponent of finding strong resonance in our natals, the synastry, the composite -- and our actual living, breathing experience, to best understand what's at work, and how we should tackle such a tricky thing.

Looking at trauma in a chart is one thing; approaching it at the karmic level takes some HEAVY thematic resonance across the board. I don't take these sorts of accusations or notions at all lightly. But when I do begin to see an emergent theme, I'm not just going to ignore it, either. No matter what it is.

This was a hard one. This cut to the quick. Opened very old wounds for me on several levels; wounds I've been trying to understand, to grok, and to heal for half of my life.

Being a creative professional, and most relevantly, a writer, it's been a sort of 'creme rises to the top,' experience: my greatest obsessions have the deepest karmic roots. Whenever they do, it will be a haunting experience in some form or another -- your brain, your heart, or both. You just won't be able to fully outrun these daemons until they're exorcised.

In my case, certain story elements will be pervasive; they'll appear again and again, as if something in my psyche is chewing on some part of it, and spitballing means to solve the conundrum.

When I began doing a routine synastry in regards to a very dear friend, lover, soul connexion and guide, a theme emerged over time I wasn't quite sure how to process. So I put it aside; let other more explicable things tempt and twist my grey matter.

But I'd have to return to it eventually. And I did. The theme was still certainly there -- and intensifying, as more points found linkages, and greater resonance came from configurations and natal affinities. Across different systems of calculation. Involving the most basic points and the most specific -- and thematic.

It was there. I couldn't deny it.

Around this time last year, I came to the astonishing realisation.

This man who has shown me nothing but love, acceptance, encouragement; who guides me, who is supportive, mature, understanding. Who floors me with his creativity and brilliance -- is a veritable beacon for me, and has helped me find my way through the thick, swallowing darkness ... this man that I love without qualm or fear; who I trust completely, who I value more than I can articulate ...

This man killed me.

Of course, something beyond morbid curiosity had to know more: how -- why? It was pragmatic; I NEEDED to understand. I HAD to try and finally remove this thorn from my soul.

It quickly became clear we were not bound by this karma in the accidental sense of two individuals haphazardly crossing paths ending in a single fatality. No, this was intentional. This was purposeful, and of sound mind. He CHOSE to.

In fact, the story was likely already known to me; one I had begun penning suddenly in 2000, and have never completely ceased building. It's just continued to evolve.

Most recently, with a darker edge. A nagging voice begged that I consider the unthinkable: that he didn't spare her life, as he was already too inextricably bound to his principles. Love nor companionship, even fate, could not seduce him into abandonment of his duty -- whether by divine right or delusional disorder was never completely clear.

I hated how it all suddenly fell into place, all because of my merely considering the far-flung, not at all likely possibility. The wild shot in the dark. It felt horribly right to me. Like I'd found the missing piece of this massive puzzle I'd been building, with parts collected from far and wide. And it had been right behind me all along.

But it's a jagged piece, though. It's an unsettling, soul-shaking piece. The picture it completes is tragic. Traumatic. Heart-breaking. I want to believe in love overpowering even the most impossibly insurmountable hatred - or anything that might oppose it.

That a man whose sole purpose is to live and die by the sword, can still find the spark of humanity ignited within him by his only true, and complex, love. That happily ever after can reign. That there would be wonderful rewards for the two of them sticking it out, against all odds. When the moment of truth came, that he'd lay down his weapon and surrender to love.

But that's what I WANTED. That's what my heart and soul SO desperately hoped was true. I WANTED it to be true; so badly, that it would take me fifteen years to finally accept the dark fallaciousness. To come to terms with the painful, bleak, horrible reality.

He didn't. He couldn't. He lived for his principles, and would kill for them, too. Yes. Even her.

Even me.

It took more than a short while to come to grips what my soul knew to be true. Ever since I'd watched that film and felt as if every second ticked by so slowly for the longest while .... You know the one: Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson; 'Dead Again'. (And if you don't, I suggest tracking it down.) Something about it spoke to me on a level that never really resonated with anyone else.

... Except him.

It struck him to such an extent, too, lingering for some time in the back of his mind. He had that weird, uncomfortable, sickly feeling as well. The inexplicable one you can't quite locate, despite its intensity. But somehow, you just KNOW.

Trouble is, you don't know WHAT you know.

And -- bit of a spoiler alert -- this would be as if David Lynch suddenly took over as script doctor. No happy ending here. Just good old-fashioned deep regrets, lasting trauma -- one that spans lifetimes! -- and the cold reality of having to face and accept it in entirely new circumstances.

As the theme unfolded before me, it wasn't something I could deny -- though, I wanted to. Desperately. I questioned my sanity. I convinced myself I was over the line now, and I HAD to pull back, for my own sake.

But I also knew it wasn't untrue. I knew that from the first moments. I knew it. I KNEW it.

Now. Before I wax further dramatic here, I'll go ahead and post the synastry. Then I'll be back to answer questions, and share many thoughts later.

You'll also notice some uncommonly used points here. They're part of what became the final theme -- that which revealed the most to me, and did so consistently across several systems and methods. As to exactly WHY that's our theme -- longer story. But I'll get into it. Slowly.

SYNASTRY

COMPOSITE

And a few closing remarks:

Most important and illuminating to me has been how these karmic issues have continued to play out in lesser, or simply different forms, stemming from the same mechanism.

I am proud to say that I believe we've cleared major hurtles by conducting the sort of honest, emotionally available, genuine relationship we have. It was undeniably QUITE the ordeal getting to where we are now, though.

And it wasn't only worth it -- it's been essential for the both of us; to clear this karma, heal these wounds, (or work towards doing so) and help prepare me for one of the biggest things of my existence -- eventual Reunion with my Twin.

posted June 28, 2014 03:16 PM            

It is THAT involved.

posted June 28, 2014 05:04 PM            

How do know that he killed you (I am assuming in a past life and it is not a metaphor for present day events) ?

posted June 29, 2014 04:52 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Astro keen:
Gripping story Indigo.

How do know that he killed you (I am assuming in a past life and it is not a metaphor for present day events) ?

Does he know?

---

It's complex, is the best response, AstroK.

In this sense, I mean to say that I compiled many different pieces of evidentiary experience over about a decade which included alleged past life recalls, spontaneous regressing, and many dreams -- several recurring. Plus, our FMC is astounding.

Does he know .... THAT's a very good question. He knows the story; he knows the uncomfortable conclusion drawn by his 'guilt by association', shall we say. Certain things he's said are ... strange.

Such as once when he joked with me that if a personal experience were to appear in the script; 'I will murder you,' he said, with dramatic emphasis; the same manner in which any of us have pulled an, 'I'll kill you if you X, Y, Z.'

That's hardly noteworthy.

It's the way in which he'd seem to catch himself after. Suddenly, issuing an unprovoked apology. As if he's stumbled upon an uncomfortable or sensitive topic.

Strange ... I've always thought. Almost to the point he won't be so jesting in that capacity. He will with others. He doesn't with me. Any point he had, in the past, have been immediately followed by an apology.

It's as if there's a tacit knowledge, below his consciousness.

Now, we've discussed the likelihood of existing in a multiverse in which we are living several timelines in simultaneity -- almost in an infinite spectrum. We've discussed the strange possibility the story is one representation of such a timeline outside of our observation. And, again, certain conclusions are easily drawn then.

Such as when I changed the story to reflect as I felt it had to go.

But further? His own story, independent of mine, involved a very similar situation. I recalled him being deeply saddened by penning the ending. He felt angry, lost, and confused. He said, 'even as I KNOW this is the way that it ends, it CANNOT end this way.' He wanted to carry the story on, featuring this particular character; that couldn't happen if she was killed by the main protagonist. It was heart-rending, too. He nearly deleted it. Instead, he simply omitted it.