posted July 02, 2014 03:33 AM            

That's really when a real and true relationship, based in honesty, trust, and legitimate transparency could begin.

We just couldn't make it work.

Lies, jealousy, emotional games -- the manipulations and fear tactics ran the gamut. Issues with intimacy, abandonment fears, and having a sexual relationship with his best friend, producing partner, and co-creator -- the woman who knew him better than anyone (by his admission), to whom he often 'felt married' -- his cheerleader, confidante and co-conspirator in a great many things -- was just too much. He couldn't even genuinely try.

It tore us apart. His anger, inability to handle it in constructive ways, led steadily to a communication breakdown coming to a full head on 17 January 2013. He emotionally eviscerated me; I had to heal from the ground up. Gutted my whole foundation and built anew. Better. Stronger than ever.

2014 has been a roller coaster, marked with weird signposts and punctuated with confusion. 1 April 2014, after calling in an effort to reach me for the past year -- he stopped. For the first time, I decided it was the right move.

Our connexion, once so strong that all I need do is think that he should call me and he would within hours -- even if it had been a few weeks -- dwindled. By this past week, I couldn't 'reach' him anymore. Our relationship had degraded into petty bickering on Facebook, taking jabs at each other and reacting defensively.

I was crushed, and at an impasse. On 29 June, I sent an email, apologising for running, and being unable to confront our problems. It hurt too much. I didn't want to face it; he'd just hurt me more -- I was sure of it. I wanted to try again. Something. Anything. Just be nicer to each other again. Try and be friends, at the very least.

Nothing. I got nothing.

I had a few very emotional days; crying a lot. Had a strange and beautiful song come through the dimensional fold with me, intact, as I'd heard it in a dream. It had been stuck in my head since -- 29 June 2014, 3:33, exactly. Like on repeat. Over and over and over. This powerful, devastating love song. The chorus like a knife to my soul.

I sent him a text; after midnight, last night.

Next morning, I had received nothing. Being as it enquired if I should take the incommunicado and unanswered emails to mean he doesn't want me in his life any longer, his lack of response seemed all too clear.

But these are major decisions. You don't make them lightly. Hence, I sent him the text. But, by 8:00, knowing well and good he's gotten it and hadn't responded -- I wasn't sure what to do. I was going to learn how to release him from my life while keeping my heart open to him. (God knows the backlash from trying to 'cut the cord' from your Twin is a sure-fire way to rain hell upon you: many colours of misery.) I knew I'd have to keep my heart open to him. Somehow. But, God, I didn't know how.

I'm going through something else in my phone, yesterday, 1 July, and stumble upon a text from him.

At exactly 11:11.

It was honest. He'd not received my email, but found it extremely ironic that I would be the one to seek explanations as to why I was being avoided. I didn't want to fight -- more, or again. To be petty. To bicker.

I told him I wouldn't text anymore. I'd learnt its dangers the first time -- but, ostensibly, too late. I said if he wanted to amend things, too, to call me at his convenience. He said he would after work.

It was later than I expected -- but he did. At 17:57, he called me; and I answered. For the first time since May, (and that was brief and for scheduling to see each other while he was in town) he's not listed several times in red under my Missed tab; just my Recent, in black.

I'm not lying when I said it's over. But I hadn't clarified.

It was mostly a chit-chat in brevity; trying to find our feet after a lengthy silence. We fell right back into that old groove as usual, but we were still keeping to the surface. As usual. Then before long, he had to go.

I felt ... like it was a start. Something of a step in the right direction of gaining closure. To leave each other in peace.

Then I saw the noon text I'd entirely missed. The jab. The snide remark.

I responded, as I had truly intended to simply say that I appreciated his call and thought we should talk again soon -- just to toss it out there. Instead, I said I wouldn't engage in this conflict anymore. I had offered him several apologies since the last two years -- all I've been is slaughtered or disregarded in that area -- and NEVER knowing WHY.

I told him that it was best in person, better over the phone than in text or email. Within two minutes, at 19:19, he called me.

I answered after the first ring.

We talked for an hour and a half. (Short for us, but we both had other activities to resume.) We spoke honestly. We admitted to long-standing errors. We copped to mistakes. We said we were sorry for hurting each other; he admitted his general tendency to do so, leading to many upset and broken relationships -- mostly with female family members. Otherwise, he'd slowly notice the friends to whom he'd exposed his vitriol tended to distance.

I was the one where he really took notice.

I said I'd help him with it -- and no longer subject myself to its victimisation. I said we were both dealing with intense emotions which overwhelmed us; I was too focussed on having an endgame, I missed the point of the whole relationship.

By the time we disconnected the call, I'd told him to call me anytime. He said, 'I will.' I could feel how much he meant it.

So, in all honesty, the war has officially ended.

And I think the relationship has finally, at long last, after eight years -- of uncertainty, mixed signals, and vacillations of honesty and caring -- begun.

'It had to end,
To begin.'

Sia, 'Numb'. I shared those lyrics on a post to him months ago. Late last year, I think. I'd thought the fighting was over then, too. But I hadn't been honest yet. We hadn't confronted anything. Or grown. Evolved. Matured. As people -- especially people who truly care about each other.

Of course, before disconnecting, he had to slide in a bit of sexual innuendo.

Sigh. We're hopeless, in that regard. It'll ALWAYS be there, that undercurrent. At least now we know the dangers of messing with it, attempting to realise it, until we're ready. And if we'll ever be -- who knows?

We've made incredible progress already -- the likes of which I never thought. And, as usual, have discovered a shared experience even in each other's absence. But it allows us to offer advice, or just commiserate, having 'been there'. Amazing how that happens.

I'm glad it's over. I've been wondering how long it would take us to finally start this crazy journey.

I'm ready now. For THIS part of it, at least!

posted July 02, 2014 04:30 AM            

... and the far-less-impressive-on-cursory-glance synastry:

posted July 02, 2014 04:34 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
There is so much I want to say to this, and I don`t have the time.

---

posted July 02, 2014 04:55 AM            

The first First Meeting Chart; online, as co-writers for collaborative fiction projects:

The second First Meeting Chart; face-to-face, recording a scene for another one of my projects:

And, perhaps the most influential, the third First Meeting Chart; following his full confession, in which we had dinner together at an Indian restaurant while I came through town. We snapped a photograph in front of the silkscreen printing of Siva and Parvati.

posted July 02, 2014 05:04 AM            

You and your TF aren't ending-- just metamorphosing. You have important work to do, and as you continue to grow, I think you'll find you won't need him with quite the same panicked feverish intensity.

It's hard to watch him snipe and stab at you-- his FB comment in front of friends and family really crossed a line for me. I understand loving someone so much it drives you crazy, but he crossed a line-- apparently a line he crosses regularly.

Your lives are entangled and always will be. But in time you will transcend your need to engage in his self-admittedly-douchey drama.

'You will survive, not gonna lay down and die, and soon you'll be saving all your loving for someone who's loving you. '

quote:

---

It had been stuck in my head since -- 29 June 2014, 3:33, exactly.

---

posted July 02, 2014 05:29 AM            

Our intended-but-failed first meeting:

The last time we saw each other, earlier this year; after a lengthy estrangement:

posted July 02, 2014 05:35 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by TyrianPurple:
Wow! What a rollercoaster you've been on, Indigo!

You and your TF aren't ending-- just metamorphosing. You have important work to do, and as you continue to grow, I think you'll find you won't need him with quite the same panicked feverish intensity.

It's hard to watch him snipe and stab at you-- his FB comment in front of friends and family really crossed a line for me. I understand loving someone so much it drives you crazy, but he crossed a line-- apparently a line he crosses regularly.

Your lives are entangled and always will be. But in time you will transcend your need to engage in his self-admittedly-douchey drama.

'You will survive, not gonna lay down and die, and soon you'll be saving all your loving for someone who's loving you.'

For some reason I can't explain, I've been deeply connected to three-3s since I was three. Keeps cropping up. Like, for example, the timestamp on this thread-- 3:33 exactly.

---

Really! I didn't even notice that! Oh, wow -- the time that the song 'came through': 3:33.

As to playing in the emotionally abusive psychodrama of his? Yeah, it's curtains for that. I made it clear THAT's not going to continue -- or make a reappearance. More than anything, I appreciated his newfound self-awareness -- and the fact that we're on the same page about that: simply put, he can't treat me that way -- be anything but a positive force in my life. Uh-uh. Those days are SO done.

Thanks, Tyrian, as always. I was gonna tell you tomorrow morning -- but this works, too.

posted July 02, 2014 07:55 AM            

I am so happy that your post was the first thing I read this morning..have t even had the coffee yet . It made m day...you hit the nail on the head..the relationship has matured/ metamorphosized ...that's the key here.

posted July 02, 2014 09:58 AM            

It looks like in your progressed composite you have an intercepted 7th/1st house and pluto is transiting the intercepted first house and the rulers of the intercepted houses are moon and saturn which are also the rulers of the progressed composite northnode and southnode and I think it looks like they are squaring...

As for your actual natal composite midpoint with him I think there is an intercepted house as well; Either the 8th/2nd or the 10th/4th. Can you tell me which houses are intercepted in your natal composite with him??

Also I would love it if you post your davidson composite with transits with him in this thread as well??

posted July 02, 2014 03:41 PM            

in a totally different way your story reminds me of the latest chapter with mr Sag. It is not even really comparable, but what i feel is the common thing here (and in Daencing Maenad`s story as well), is that we sort of wrapped up a cycle, and that there are revelations all around, and a clearer (self)honesty.

I think that is a wonderful new beginning for you. A chance at least. I hope you both can keep up the honesty and take that chance, not avoid each other and the feelings but just take it bit by bit. In honesty.

Personally - astrologically- I have developed a liking for the composite of a given moment and the natal chart to asess what is happening. It seems to give such a clear picture, sometimes even clearer than trantists themselves.

But I treat these charts as some kind of horary I suppose, emphasising the conditions of 1st and 5th house, and those of 7th and 11th house (plus IC and MC and Vertex, nodal axis and Moon of course. lol).

But for example the 5th house seems to very clearly depict what you feel and express emotionally in that given moment. And the 11th house depicting what you receive from another, who is found in the 7th house.

posted July 02, 2014 03:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:

Personally - astrologically- I have developed a liking for the composite of a given moment and the natal chart to asess what is happening. It seems to give such a clear picture, sometimes even clearer than trantists themselves.

---

Hahaha you too?

posted July 02, 2014 04:01 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
It's okay, Ceri. It'll keep. I think I'm finally formulating what I was trying to articulate regarding your own experiences. I still feel that you and Mr Sag are more than meets the eye. You didn't get an incorrect impression of things; your perception was true. But it may take time for HIM to fully see through certain charades -- or be strong enough to flee them. In time. I still feel that.

---

Thank you for saying this.

I am still processing that night from almost 3 weeks ago. lol
That revelation was just too deeply impacting me as that I could take it all in that moment.

AS a matter of fact the day after that I was so ANGRY, I was raving mad, I could have smashed things against a wall. I was angry with him, so much.
With myself as well. But mostly him. For once in my life. I am never really angry with people. But I was then.

Actually my unassuming brother innocently asked me how the concert had been which had me uttering a few cussing words (my brother certainly never heard out of MY mouth before), and I jumped up, ran out of the house smashing the door. WRONG question at the damned wrong time.

Well, I of course returned instantly after that, I had to laugh about my own silly behaviour, and pretty much explained to him what had happened (without the emotional implications for me), and that was okay after that. But honestly, I can`t remember the last time anyone triggered such an uncharacteristic uncontrolled outburst in me.

But I was just really really ****** . How did he dare say this NOW? Of all times NOW? Now when it`s too late`?
Or maybe I was even more angry becuas he had NOT said anything before, or I was just too dumb, to get it. Or he was too dumb to get it before.
Yes I think that is more likely, he is the dumb one. Crystalclear.

Anyway, of course i am not angry anymore, I am actually glad this happened. Even if it is too late, at least at this time, I know I was not totally delusional, and that I should have trusted my gut instinct from the beginning, and that I probably hsould NOT have staged the disappearing act again and again and again.

But curiously, yes, I had to bury and mourn it, as I did the last 2 months. And just when I did that, when I had really convinced myself that there was nothing really there, not anymore at least, this happened.
But that it happened now, was also a good timing, cause despite being depressed and everything, I had found back balance and feelings of selfvalue, that are independent of him or anyone else (everyone likes being appreciated of course).

There is this scene from "Buffy", that came to my mind, from the 2nd season`s finale, when she is fighting Angelus, and he nearly defeats her, pointing his sword on her, while she is sitting on the ground, her eyes closed, seemingly awaiting the last stab.
And he is taunting her, asking her that now that she has lost everything, what does remain`?

And she grabs his blade, opens her eyes and just sais: "Me."

That is how I have felt, despite feeling totally beaten,d epressed, sad, despite all of that, I - maybe for the first time in my life- had this feeling of "Me". In fact maybe this experience was necessary to somehow un-bury this Me-feeling.
Everyone is always talking about wanting to lose the Ego and the Self, for me it felt very positive to have this Me, feeling, this: That is who I am, that is the core of me and it is indestructible, no matter what happens.

It was a weird feeling, but also very empowering despite the sadness.

That was very necessary.

Anyway, as for this message, or whatever it was, well, everytime I forget about it a little, his colleague puts up another video of this concert. In fact he msut have put up the video of their duet, which came INSTANTLY after this scene, at least 3 times. It seems this concert left a strong impression not only on me.

Mr Sag himself has gone very silent (at least on his facebook site), and no, I have no clue how it is going to be seein him again, but what I know for sure now is that whatever is going to happen seeing him again, I am going to be "me".

Which for someone with Neptune on the ASC is pretty meaningful stuff. lol

posted July 02, 2014 04:04 PM            

I know it must not be easy, but I hope it is also liberating!

To ends, which harbor new beginnings!!

posted July 02, 2014 07:34 PM            

I see why you feel such resonance regarding everything; hell, my pMOON is coming up on my nSNODE and your nMOON. Among so many other things.

But I GET that. Really, really get that.

It's like what 'my Hatter', the Guardian Soul, LT -- to however he's to be referred -- said the other day in understanding why I had a few emotional outbursts when I finally confronted my feelings about some things this past month.

'Well, you have to be a woman sometimes.'

What a revelation! Have to be a woman -- sometimes. Most people can't figure out WHAT I am. Ohh, yeah, I'm female all right. But 'human woman' is sometimes pushing the definition. Rather, I push that definition. I'm a friggin' force of nature -- but was terrified to be.

And now? I have NO idea why.

I've helped SO many more people since deciding that 'emotions are okay'. The frosting on, as my Twin likes to say, 'the sh*t sandwhich' (:laughing is how my husband was reaching this point of, 'I can't deal with [your emotions] right now.'

EEEEXCUSE ME? After I've busted my ass to be there and undergo the severe bashing on every level of HIS? So I found myself speaking up. That's not fair. You can't do that. You can't spend years trying to dig my emotions out of me -- and then say -- but not THOSE.

No. ALL of it. ALL of it's got to come out. Like an abscess. A festered wound. All of the ugly stuff has got to surface and expel, so things can FINALLY heal. You don't get to pick which, and say 'that's okay -- but that isn't'.

All. Or nothing.

How damned Pluto.

Ohhhh, I've been angry. After bottling my anger -- and any other strong emotion I might experience -- for SO many years, maybe longer than I even realise -- to suddenly have it ALL bubble up and over has been quite the ordeal.

But I've slowly surrounded myself with those who can take it. Who encourage empathy. Who get that emotions aren't all pretty. Are fine with digging in and being REAL.

I just had no idea -- but I certainly hoped -- he'd be one of them.

Yes. No more running. No more avoidance. No more withdrawing. Oddly enough, what my Guardian said 27 October 2013, after our first sexually intimate experience together. 'No more running. No more hiding. Never again.'

posted July 02, 2014 10:56 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
You have some composite there! I often feel powerful composites tend to run the relationship, much, much more than the synastry. That is my impression. Your comp reminds me of the Davison with Mr. Bull from the other thread, packed 1st house - and such a power house too!

I know it must not be easy, but I hope it is also liberating!

To ends, which harbor new beginnings!!

---

Thanks, DM. Yeah, it's what led iQ to making the determination we're Twins so quickly. I admit, it's a crazy concentration. Intensity -- ohhh, yes.

What gets me is how anytime we go through a extended period of incommunicado (unprecedented, before 2012) and we have a break in it -- it's like NOTHING happened. We fall RIGHT back into this groove we've carved out for ourselves.

He's having a really terrible time. I'm not sure why just yet, but he's given me bits and pieces. We've had similar physical ailments the past few months; always 'inexplicably flaring up'.

Case in point -- yesterday, when my knee started killing me for no reason -- and he'd made a midnight bee-line for the baņo after a little too much vodka and WAY too many hot wings ... and collided with a shifted piece of furniture instead. Smacked his knee right into it. Mine started hurting soon after; by the next day, it was horrible. He said, of his, 'it's the least sh*tty occurrence of my day right now, so I'm okay.'

Okay -- or conveniently disowning the pain?

The daily hazards -- the little things -- they leave out of the Twin Flames manual, it would seem.

But he was honest when I checked to see if his general condition had improved, suspecting it hadn't. (I've been especially tetchy today; I dunno who's losing their temper more.) So I told him to call me and explain what's up when it's good for him.

I'm worried. Really, really worried.

I confronted things and got back in touch -- really in touch -- at the right time. Too much vodka, general state of misery, sense of things only getting worse ('impending doom') -- these are classic depressive / anxious symptomology. ... And he's actually accepting my help -- rather than throwing up the usual bars and walls rooted in pride and anger. He's letting me ... in. Again. Or maybe legitimately for the first time.

And in the nick of time, too.

posted July 03, 2014 10:12 AM            

uoh, I take it back.
About the not running/ hiding anymore.
I take it all back. Run and hide seems like a nice option all at once.

Just kidding.

Nah, he just had announced another concert with his band (they are somehow, I donīt know semi-profesional, even though they are all working int he music business; it is just the athmosphere on their concerts is not really all that professional, more semi-personal. More like a jam-session with participation of an audience than a real "serious" concert).

Anyway he announced it for the 23rd august, in a theatre I know, (I have been there seeing a play last summer), and therefore I know HOW tiny this theatre is. I mean really really tiny. Just for about 100 guests.

Well, they also announced it as a "Meat and greet". Apparently they plan doing a "midsummernight`s barbeque" there, on that concert.

Damn it, it sounds intriguing! and a little mad.
And what was it about running an hiding again?
LOL

" my pMOON is coming up on my nSNODE and your nMOON. Among so many other things. "
explains a lot.

"Rather, I push that definition. I'm a friggin' force of nature -- but was terrified to be."
Yes, same here, just I always said that I believe there must be a third gender (intellectual/mental) and if there is I am one of them.

And along comes a Sag and looks at me like, like I was a woman?
It really shocked me the first time we met, that I felt so clearly that he was looking at me, like I suppose a man looks at a woman. But me? Come on, everyone KNOWS I am not in the game, don`t they?

"You can't do that. You can't spend years trying to dig my emotions out of me -- and then say -- but not THOSE."
exactly.

I used to wonder how people know they are feeling something for real and not just empathising or thinking it up.

However in the last year(s), and I suppose losing weight helped with that, my emotions have come so close to the surface, just bubbling underneath, and I am processing a lot, including the darker range of emotions like anger (wasn`t really allowed, well mars in 12th shows - also sadness wasnīt allowed either, for it made my mom sad and thinking she had done something wrong, which made me feel guilty cause my sadness affected her in a negative way; and laughing out loud just because? Not liked either. Made me look like a silly goose they said. Well emotions were allowed as long as there was a REASON for them. I think it was just a few months ago that I told my mom to **** the reason, I was laughing/ crying just because I felt like it, because I felt alive doing so. Interestingly she understood, like she was growing with me along the path)

posted July 03, 2014 11:25 AM            

quote:

---

Yesterday, when my knee started killing me for no reason -- and he'd made a midnight bee-line for the baņo after a little too much vodka and WAY too many hot wings ... and collided with a shifted piece of furniture instead. Smacked his knee right into it. Mine started hurting soon after; by the next day, it was horrible.

---

posted July 03, 2014 12:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by TyrianPurple:
When I was a child, this was known as the "Crimson Twins Effect".

---

A la 'The Corsican Brothers' by Dumas?

posted July 03, 2014 01:12 PM            

quote:

---

A la 'The Corsican Brothers' by Dumas?

---

Dang, Indigo, you already know everything. Color me impressed. I love tracing threads in the collective unconscious. Where did we get the idea for the mentally thinking they're Napoleon? Why not Caesar or Lincoln? Where did we get the idea that pirates would bury treasure? And a billion other little things that we got loaded into our firmware in childhood.

posted July 03, 2014 01:31 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Indigo,

uoh, I take it back.
About the not running/ hiding anymore.
I take it all back. Run and hide seems like a nice option all at once.

Just kidding.

---

I'm REALLY glad to hear how your mother's experience is growing and evolving with your own.

As to MrSag -- he may've devised this is the best way to still have SOME connexion? SOME means of staying in contact? Especially since you don't make it easy! And, yes, BIGGEST HYPOCRITE EVER -- I know. Believe me! I know.