posted October 23, 2014 06:39 AM
I apologise in advance for any unintended dramatics. That having been said, this is a tale I've attempted to tell in many forms over the past year; always failing to articulate it correctly, or express why I feel that I must. In part, because it's my story. And, most difficultly, potentially my story. The upcoming eclipse uncannily seems to be playing it out in the sky. Again, it appears that I can't ignore it. Or continue to.
I've related to Starling's plight; haunted by her demons, personified by the screaming lambs -- a metaphor for her conscience; an undeniable drive for justice and retribution, if necessary. Lecter has a similar approach, 'eating the rude'. It would seem both are, while doing so differently, exacting justice -- in whatever form they each saw fit: hers within the law, his outside of it.
Harris' story spoke to me deeply in the winter of 2001 -- coincidentally on Lewis Carroll's birthday, no less -- when I would begin to weave my own twisted tale of retribution, redemption, societal expectation, and what even defines 'justice'.
It was named Hunting Alice. It started as a novel which soon spawned prequels and sequels over the decade; becoming a transmedia property once it crossed over into audio drama and saw three casts. With any luck, it'll now become the television drama which was always its destiny, with its final cast and ultimate medium.
And it all began with him -- in any respect. Whether the story itself: it came into existence due to this character -- my peculiar vigilante killer 'Mad Hatter' Lecteresque mashup, Dr Penderan Fauste; or the fact that I would one day, at long last find, fifteen years later, the actor arguably destined to play the role. (And it's a shockingly good argument at that.)
Now, I know you're thinking -- that's all well and interesting, but in no way that extraordinary; we've all had soul-connexions. We've all felt intense deja vu and the sense we've found a soulmate. It's hardly remarkable, and not something to get all bent out of shape over -- as I clearly have done, many times, since last year.
Frankly, it really would be one thing if my story were an instrument of fate, designed to ensure I met a certain individual, so that we could clear karma and settle debts. I can almost buy that; it wouldn't be at all unique in my life or its experiences.
Alas, it's in no way quite that simple. And, yes, that is simple by comparison.
By 2013, August, I had a shocking realisation. Not only had I likely buried all of the feelings I had for this man, who not only became my costar, but a very dear friend, and, briefly, two years prior, one with whom I'd explored the possibility of being lovers -- I was now ready for the sexual relationship I'd declined to consider initially. And while it would take some long discussions and heartfelt delving -- so was he. Neither of us were remotely near ready to admit we might love each other outside of a manner of deep friendship, however. But it would slowly become clear over the course of the year, as our relationship deepened.
Naturally, being an astrologer, it all really started with looking at the synastry that summer. Some of it was rather mind-blowing, and perfectly indicative of our rapport and relationship.
But that's also when I first noticed his SATURN in my 8H; the delineation was stark: the SATURN individual can, in extreme circumstances, be responsible for the death of the 8H individual. It was at once insane -- and far too close to something else very familiar.
Penderan has only one significant relationship in his multidimensional existence, and despite its shifting facets, there are always overlaps and crucial repetitive features. Lessons to be learnt, again and again, debts to be repaid, and, sometimes, karmic rewards to be appreciated for succeeding.
This relationship is with Verily Wingate; my Alice-archetype profiler in a Starlingesque role, but not her image. In truth, it was cast in mine. Not gloriously, either. Verily is among the most truthful, cutting, critical examinations of myself: where I truly had to face my shadow, confront my ego -- and grow.
Her name came from a strange spontaneous 'past life recall' regressive experience I had the summer prior to penning the story's first draft in 2001. I was listening to Pink Floyd's 'High Hopes' from the band's intended final album; the song, in fact, their last song together. It would become pivotal, that odd connexion, as it would be shared by both Penderan, per the story's co-creator -- and, I'd later find, my costar. Deeply.
The experience was eventually coined The Blue Sky Memory.
It's the 'memory' of my death. How I lay upon the asphalt, underneath a blue sky; finding it curious how it could happen on such a beautiful day. Never knowing how, or why, or even who.
It seemed that 'Hunting Alice' was shaping up to be an exploration of those themes.
My soul was seeking answers.
Verily, ostensibly, has a similar dilemma with Penderan. When he's pitted against his own principles, he has to endure the agonising choice of whether to abide by the same moral code -- to which he clung out of desperation, for fear he was merely a monster without it -- or make the first and only exception to it, running the risk of opening that can of worms; sliding down that slippery slope.
It seems a foregone conclusion; unfortunately, to satisfy the dictates of his stringent moral code, he can't allow her to live.
Period.
Now, for fifteen years, it seemed to me a completely foregone conclusion.
... Until I saw his SATURN in my 8H. And then I thought, for the very first time, what I never imagined could be true. But I had to ask the question. I had to at least consider it.
Did he actually kill her? Have I been wrong this entire time?
You'll notice that I immediately threw this back into the context of my story. There's a reason for that.
I'm not sure I can face it, otherwise. Not because I've not known those who had taken my life in alternate existences or previous incarnations. Oh, I have.
There's something undeniably different about this, between us. Something about the thought that he did. In which case, my brain launches into searching every neural nook and conceptual cranny to understand. To know.
WHY?
With this eclipse in the offing, it would seem some kind of answers are close. Very close.
What do you think?
MINE
HIS
I'll be back in the morning to share what I see, too. I'll give you a hint: the New Moon and its linked points all at 0° Scorpio fall exactly on my nDEJANIRA -- and his drASC.
Also, eclipses are rather 'long-lived', aren't they? How exactly do we time their effects? What is it we look for in that regard?
All thoughts welcome -- but please be respectful. I'm just beginning to process ... and I can't quite accept anything. But I am finally exploring it.
Please understand, this isn't easy. It ... simply isn't.
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
posted October 23, 2014 06:39 AM
Calling it a 0 Aries Ascendant Transposition Chart makes most people's eyes glaze over. This is short and descriptive.
He had to have feared you for some reason and the threat of exposure seems pretty likely to me.