posted December 14, 2014 08:55 PM            

I'm not developing the series he and I created together right now. My latest development partner tells me that the market just isn't looking for projects of its nature, and I've got to go for something a little more within my control. Luckily, I returned to developing my freshman series in March 2013, on the back of the painful (and quite ugly) breakup with my Twin.

But I'll be honest. I've had the worst depression set in since the October eclipse. I mean horribly dysthymic. It's this awful sense of not knowing what's wrong and fearing I'll never find true happiness again. And I have NO reason to be depressed; nor a history of clinical depression.

My marriage is stronger than ever, and my relationship with my partner becomes more solid each month. And, as of late October, it's a year since we got together. As I'd already mentioned, I'm developing my freshman series, busting my arse, and seeing real, concrete results in my life.

Things are good. I should NOT be feeling this way. And, yes, if I'm going to be painfully honest with myself --I hate the fact that he isn't a part of it. But, I'm sure, like him, I just don't see the point. We'll never be in the same state for longer than several hours; a week, if we ever film our pilot. He wants to get into my industry, but is too afraid to take such a chance without solid employment. And he's been unemployed since the summer.

He has every reason to be miserable. And ... I don't know if he is, because we don't talk, outside of wishing each other Happy Thanksgiving, or occasionally getting nostalgic, ('man, creating together was really something special,') or sharing something on the other's Facebook page.

Yes, it feels wrong. No, I don't know what to do about it. I just figure there will always be the part of me that misses him, and that's the way it is. I've learnt to appreciate what I have, and not long for what I don't.

So, WTF is up with our SRs this year? I know mine is incredibly karmic and rare, but, what on earth is up with my having REGULUS on the MC, and him having it on the IC? What the hell?

OSIRIS-JUNO in mine, and ISIS-JUNO in his? Wha ... ? JUNO? WTF?

And I had to check DEJANIRA for my own good. My biggest dilemma is feeling caught between two non-viable results. Either I get lambasted again, or everything just goes exceedingly well again, until the intensity builds between us and we have nowhere to go with it. Which often leads to a war, again.

God, I finally got off of this merry-go-round! I accepted what is, and I evolved from it. I went in another direction, and I'm glad for it. I haven't wanted a relationship with him for over a year now. I've been happy. I've been content -- until very recently. And he's been crossing my mind, off and on, since this month began. (He'll be turning 30, though, with his SATURN Return in progress, and birthday in a week.)

Anyone have any insight? I need second opinions here. I feel like there IS an action step. I just can't see what it is right now.

posted December 14, 2014 09:04 PM            

I canned NESSUS, but it also nixed JUNO. Here's the rundown in each:

OSIRIS: 29º CAN 24
JUNO: 02º LEO 00
ISIS: 10º LEO 33

OSIRIS: 11º LEO 06
JUNO: 17º LEO 11
ISIS: 18º LEO 41

So, my SR's OSIRIS is 3º conjunct JUNO; his SR's got JUNO 1º conjunct ISIS.

Not to mention:

My SR's ISIS is 0º40 conjunct his SR's OSIRIS.

These don't hit our composite degrees, but his SR's ISIS degree is my natal OSIRIS degree. 18º LEO.

It's also, as I've recently discovered, my PSE's degree, too.

posted December 15, 2014 09:34 AM            

quote:

---

Anyone have any insight? I need second opinions here. I feel like there IS an action step. I just can't see what it is right now.

---

I really like you, Aubyanne, so please take this with affection, but I really feel that the next step to take is to disengage. I haven't looked closely at your charts, but I do know relationships, very well, actually, and I know that spending time doing ... This ... Is a waste of time. It's just not healthy or productive, says Virgo Venus/Mercury.

I used to have an obsession with a guy, for ten years at least. Even with a boyfriend. (I was always somebody who had a boyfriend) I never knew his exact birth time, but the draw was powerful. And with Neptune transits (and a natal Pisces moon) things were even more confusing. I thought he was my soul mate, even though I hadn't spoken to him for years beyond the occasional Facebook message.

I love dreamers. I am one myself! With a Pisces moon and a Leo sun I can hardly be anything else. But I know what kind of s**t this leads to, and it isn't conducive to the relationship you have with your husband. You love this other guy, this Twin Flame, and maybe you always will, but right now the question is, is this sort of speculation good for your current (and apparently very good) relationship?

I think a lot of people lose sight of this. I remember you started a thread asking if we ever regretted learning astrology. I think this is one of those things. I know personally I would f*****g hate it if my beautiful boyfriend was asking Internet people about his ex-girlfriend's solar return. Because it's just not good for the two of us, together. It's not a question of control. It's a question of commitment.

posted December 15, 2014 12:27 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pretty Theft:
I really like you, Aubyanne, so please take this with affection, but I really feel that the next step to take is to disengage. I haven't looked closely at your charts, but I do know relationships, very well, actually, and I know that spending time doing ... This ... Is a waste of time. It's just not healthy or productive, says Virgo Venus/Mercury.

Hopefully this doesn't offend you, but I'm trying to help. Your Twin Flame has his own weird life and you have yours.

---

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking of writing (except the Virgo Venus/Merc thing ). But you've done a great job of it. So I'll just steal your words.

Aubyanne, you have to let this go. Dig deep and find the inner strength to shut this down. It's time. Focusing on it is doing no one any good.

posted December 15, 2014 01:15 PM            

Can`t the good be found in gaining understanding of herself maybe, maybe her other relationships as well, or her perception on relationships in general, or even about the workings of astrology?

Is it only "right" to look at the charts and synastry of existing couples?

I don`t think so. People are curious, at least that is true for me. I am curious about other people, relationships, crushes, what makes people feel attraction, fleeting or deep ones.

For me at least it has more to do with understanding how astrology, but also how these things, and interconnections work.
And no, the world around us does not stop existing, just because we get married. We are still interconnected with a lot of things, in a lot of ways. And exploring (astrologically) these many ways to me is fascinating and insightful.

posted December 15, 2014 01:23 PM            

I'm worried he's going to kill himself. I am. And I'm terrified it's going to be after his birthday, and before NYE. Now, MAYBE I'm just overreacting. But there's a terrible part of me that says he wasn't lying when he said I was the only thing keeping him here, 9 years ago. And what's going on now? Where am I? Off living my life. Being productive. Making big moves in my life, while his ... stagnates. No job. No relationships. Doesn't even see his friends that much. He's just ... stuck.

How do I help? What do I DO?

WHY are these SO many linkages between our SRs? Am I supposed to do what I keep debating to? Call him and say, 'let's write pilots together. See if we can't just sell them to whomever might want them.' I don't want to develop the show we were working on right now, but, together, we've come up with some brilliant work. It could AT LEAST get him on a new track, because ... I think he's come to the end of the road. He's either driving off the cliff, or he's got to change direction.

Why do I fear he can't do it on his own? A bunch of reasons.

He's NEVER been this nice to me. He's never just suddenly buried the hatchet and been ... genuine. Not for YEARS. The 'fight' is gone. The bite. The snark. He's ... deflated. And I can't help but wonder -- is THIS why I'm suddenly feeling deflated, too?

posted December 15, 2014 01:27 PM            

But don´t let him make you feel responsible for his decisions. You are not.

If he is in a crisis, you can be there as a friend to rely on. You can reach out your hand in a supportive way, but he is the one havin to accept the support.
That is his decision.

And do not EVER feel guilty for living your life and being happy.

If you want to reconnect with him, work with him again, then just do it.

But you can`t think for him, can`t act for him, cant live for him. That is something he has to do himself.

EDIT
Oh and btw do not use him as a safety net, an escape from your own life.
There has been a lot going on in your life, and maybe you are just a little bit afraid of it, where it might lead?
And maybe a tiny little part of you wants to fall back onto the past, even though there was pain, at least it is something you are familiar with and know, whereas you maybe do not quite know where your own road is leading you to.

posted December 15, 2014 01:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pretty Theft:
I really like you, Aubyanne, so please take this with affection, but I really feel that the next step to take is to disengage. I haven't looked closely at your charts, but I do know relationships, very well, actually, and I know that spending time doing ... This ... Is a waste of time. It's just not healthy or productive, says Virgo Venus/Mercury.

I used to have an obsession with a guy, for ten years at least. Even with a boyfriend. (I was always somebody who had a boyfriend) I never knew his exact birth time, but the draw was powerful. And with Neptune transits (and a natal Pisces moon) things were even more confusing. I thought he was my soul mate, even though I hadn't spoken to him for years beyond the occasional Facebook message.

I love dreamers. I am one myself! With a Pisces moon and a Leo sun I can hardly be anything else. But I know what kind of s**t this leads to, and it isn't conducive to the relationship you have with your husband. You love this other guy, this Twin Flame, and maybe you always will, but right now the question is, is this sort of speculation good for your current (and apparently very good) relationship?

I think a lot of people lose sight of this. I remember you started a thread asking if we ever regretted learning astrology. I think this is one of those things. I know personally I would f*****g hate it if my beautiful boyfriend was asking Internet people about his ex-girlfriend's solar return. Because it's just not good for the two of us, together. It's not a question of control. It's a question of commitment.

Hopefully this doesn't offend you, but I'm trying to help. Your Twin Flame has his own weird life and you have yours.

---

Thanks, PT. That sounds about EXACTLY as something I'D say to someone else, as a response. And, the funny thing, I'm suddenly realising how, lacking true information, and JUST going off of what someone gives me, can incite me to dispense very good, but -- forgive me -- ultimately unhelpful -- advice. DON'T take offence to that! I REALLY like you, too. I think maybe you were SUPPOSED to get that through to me. You know?

Ceri knows the whole long, ugly, complicated story. As does iQ, as he's the one who clued me into it all.

As for my husband, he knows I'm in the process of doing SOMETHING; I just don't know what. He likes the idea of us writing pilots together. As he put it, 'keeps him off the ledge; always a good thing.' And we'd chuckle, because, nobody's being serious here. But, in hindsight, he's right. It truly does.

And yes, I will always love him. I've come to accept that's just the way it is. But until he's back ... SOMEWHERE ... not necessarily 'on top' (he was never THERE) but not ... HERE, not at the bottom of a pit like this, there's a part of me that says I CAN'T just sit back and do NOTHING.

But then doing SOMETHING has its liabilities, too. We're never truly UN-bonded. We're never 'oh, you don't matter anymore.' And if we're in each other's presence? BAM.

No. I DON'T want to deal with THAT again. Too complicated. I'm done with THAT phase of things, thank you.

posted December 15, 2014 02:00 PM            

It's a bit like dancing to a great song, and only realising, once the stereo dies, that a member of the party is off in the corner, staring at you, with a gun to their head. You're GLAD that the music finally stopped so that you can realise, OH, WAIT A MINUTE HERE. Because NOW you have the option of DOING SOMETHING.

I can't contact his mother. It became pretty damned clear to me that I've been touted as 'the ***** who broke her son's heart'. THIS much I've been able to glean.

But, y'know, I COULD contact one of the guys I got together for a planned surprise party the last time he was in town (May). Talk about awkward, though. He only wanted me to meet with him, rather than a few friends in tow. But, still. Thought that counts, right?

I know, I know. 'Oh, so dramatic!' I can't help it. Like a fantastic narrative I read years ago, any sort of relationship with this man is akin to walking around with a loaded pistol in your mouth and liking the taste of metal.

posted December 15, 2014 02:21 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vajra:
Don't make his problems your own.

---

Yeah, that's it right there. I finally moved past the SNODE-KARMA-SATURN/MOON, (my MOON) and decided that enough was enough.

I get a little worried because of past experiences. 'Life equity', my husband calls it; when someone's life turned around because of you. Or, more specifically, didn't end it, because of you. It's a weird burden I carry, and have, for 9 years.

You ever watch Sopranos? I finally did. (Great show, actually.) The relationship between Tony Soprano and his therapist, Jennifer Melfi -- wow. WOW. I went through a bizarre range of relief, renewed sadness, and even returned guilt after that whole arc wrapped.

But the one he sees, to which we both related for a number of reasons, was The Newsroom. Will McAvoy and Mackenzie McHale. In a cryptic way, (through discussing the season two finale with me) he'd stated that the only reason Will forgave Mac (Mackenzie) was that he FINALLY understood; he FINALLY related. Suddenly, he had empathy for EVERYTHING she went through -- and there was real forgiveness. And he said, 'until that moment, you don't even see the person as they really are. Your judgement is completely clouded by the pain of the past.'

Yeah, okay, fine. But some of us have to grow the f*ck up, and move on. So. SATURN. Ohhhh, yeah. Just became exact for him, too. I've always wondered about this, as mine was neatly in early Libra; but his is late Scorpio. 27º.

posted December 15, 2014 02:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Call him. Talk to him.

But don´t let him make you feel responsible for his decisions. You are not.

If he is in a crisis, you can be there as a friend to rely on. You can reach out your hand in a supportive way, but he is the one havin to accept the support.
That is his decision.

And do not EVER feel guilty for living your life and being happy.

If you want to reconnect with him, work with him again, then just do it.

But you can`t think for him, can`t act for him, cant live for him. That is something he has to do himself.

EDIT
Oh and btw do not use him as a safety net, an escape from your own life.
There has been a lot going on in your life, and maybe you are just a little bit afraid of it, where it might lead?
And maybe a tiny little part of you wants to fall back onto the past, even though there was pain, at least it is something you are familiar with and know, whereas you maybe do not quite know where your own road is leading you to.

Just some thoughts. I might be totally wrong though. Only you can know the answers. (and I actually don`t think they are in the SR )

---

posted December 15, 2014 02:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Call him. Talk to him.

But don´t let him make you feel responsible for his decisions. You are not.

If he is in a crisis, you can be there as a friend to rely on. You can reach out your hand in a supportive way, but he is the one havin to accept the support.
That is his decision.

And do not EVER feel guilty for living your life and being happy.

If you want to reconnect with him, work with him again, then just do it.

But you can`t think for him, can`t act for him, cant live for him. That is something he has to do himself.

EDIT
Oh and btw do not use him as a safety net, an escape from your own life.
There has been a lot going on in your life, and maybe you are just a little bit afraid of it, where it might lead?
And maybe a tiny little part of you wants to fall back onto the past, even though there was pain, at least it is something you are familiar with and know, whereas you maybe do not quite know where your own road is leading you to.

Just some thoughts. I might be totally wrong though. Only you can know the answers. (and I actually don`t think they are in the SR )

---

I thought about that, Ceri. And I look at where I am now, and I realise I LIKE where that is. That I've been preparing for it for a long time, and I'm GLAD that I'm here.

Does it suck that he's not here with me? Oh, absolutely. Experiencing guilt for being happy? OH, yeah. I've been there before!

The SNODE can be a helluva seductive point, can't it? And, lessee, the flip of it's always been ... NESSUS-NNODE/OSIRIS. Oh! Fun! ... No. Noooo, no, no, no. You KNOW I won't go back THERE.

But who the hell knows? 2014-2015 October/December is a LOT of time. My marketing campaign for HATS will launch next November. He wanted to shoot the trailer for LACHESIS in August 2015 -- thinking he'd have vacation time to use, from his job, which he lost last August.

He's at a crossroads. THAT I can feel. He's either going to take the same jump I did, going into my first SATURN Return, and commit myself to being a creative professional, or he's going to keep trying to get a job in an industry which CAN be stable, but is hardly what he loves to do.

And how much time do we waste NOT doing what we LOVE to do? Seriously?

I'm FINALLY being taken seriously out here. And, hell yes, I want to be able to help him GET there.

Maybe you're right, Ceri. Just bite the bullet and call him. Or, if he happens to call me, ANSWER, FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY CAN I NEVER ANSWER? It's been months now, again, though.

posted December 15, 2014 02:54 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Seriously though, Auby, your metaphors worry me.

---

Bothersome, isn't it? It's ALL over my fiction, too. The last time it was this bad ... our friend killed himself.

I often wonder, if there's something in my makeup. Something that comes through loudly to me, but only in indirect ways. Such as dreams. I don't know; I've never quite figured it out.

But my intuition says that something's wrong, and I could have a limited time to act. He doesn't allow himself to stagnate for long. This is the longest so far.

I've never, personally, felt suicidal. I can't imagine that course of action. I'm lucky -- extremely lucky. On the other hand, recently, I've had an inexplicable wave hit me. A very bizarre sudden notion that, if I'm never able to regain my full emotional range, and I must live in a state of grey, never again feeling true happiness, or euphoria, or even joy -- how horrible that would be.

And for the first time ever, I think I felt true empathy in that regard. The mindset was not entirely foreign to me; I could understand why someone would act so impulsively in the wake of that terrifying moment of a realisation.

And, if he'd LET me, I could actually help him. Hey, my Guardian and I are both recovered schizoids! Save for this completely bizarre bout, I DO have the sort of emotional range I had in high school. And he's never quite felt THIS much before. Not since he was a young child.

It might not be a conversation we could just have out of the blue -- though, he's surprised me by his ability to just get RIGHT to the heart of the matter with me, no matter how long it's been. But we COULD have it.

posted December 15, 2014 02:56 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
How do you know it`s not doing any good?
I may understand why you think the way you do, but you don`t really know the "texture" of the interconnections between the people involved (neither do I of course).

Can`t the good be found in gaining understanding of herself maybe, maybe her other relationships as well, or her perception on relationships in general, or even about the workings of astrology?

Is it only "right" to look at the charts and synastry of existing couples?

I don`t think so. People are curious, at least that is true for me. I am curious about other people, relationships, crushes, what makes people feel attraction, fleeting or deep ones.

For me at least it has more to do with understanding how astrology, but also how these things, and interconnections work.
And no, the world around us does not stop existing, just because we get married. We are still interconnected with a lot of things, in a lot of ways. And exploring (astrologically) these many ways to me is fascinating and insightful.

At least that is my opinion, just wanted to mention it, too, Auby, hope you don`t mind using your thread like this.

---

This is definitely valid, and yes I do see value in examining outside relationships -- it would be idiotic to have rules about examining only existing couples. My concern -- and it's clear now that I was working with incomplete information -- was that she was looking AHEAD, at solar returns, as opposed to something that by ordinary standards would be rather firmly in the past. I personally examine ex-boyfriend charts all the time, but I am not especially interested in what happens to the guys, astrologically speaking, after we've parted.

I mean, I want to be hotter than their next girlfriend, sure. But I don't keep track of them astrologically, because that relationship is over and there are a bunch of other people who are still in my life that I can study. Is it "good" for me to get jealous and cast charts between my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends, so I can compare his synastry and my synastry? I don't think so. Maybe for other people this is fine, but I just don't think it's healthy for me, OR the two of us.

posted December 15, 2014 02:58 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vajra:
But think about this: You can only hope to jump in and rescue a drowning person if you yourself know how to swim - and preferably, wear a life vest on top of this. Otherwise, you'll merely drown together. That may sound romantic but is complete and utter folly.

---

That's romantic? Clearly, I have a very different definition of romance!

But I agree. I'D have to maintain a certain distance for my own sanity.

He DID end up calling me the sixth day of the week in which he was featured in my dreams, for FIVE DAYS IN A ROW. I've NEVER had that happen. I couldn't even make sense of it. He was just ... there. No matter what was going on, he'd just ... show up.

posted December 15, 2014 03:08 PM            

OH. I get you now. Nah. Past is the past. That's just ruminating; in which case, I agree. It's a clear sign that something is causing you to look back. THAT's where the examination lies.

In my case, it's a big mess. We let a lot of people down with our personal BS. We were creating a show that, had all gone well, would be airing now. THAT's a hard thing to swallow. But, reality is as it is.

Seeing these SRs just got me thinking -- is there something I need to do here? SHOULD I reach out?

posted December 15, 2014 03:35 PM            

I understand you.

Auby,

opening the line of communication, if you manage to do so and yet stay centred as was being pointed out, seems like a great step into the right direction to me.

BTW my (and Mr Sag`s) SR look very similiar to this, as I suppose your twin was born maybe 2 or 3 days latern than us (Mr Sag and me of course have the same SR as we were born just a day apart, though it is puzzling to see that even our angles are aligned, which they are not in the natal, so it is more or less coincidental).

But I don`t think either of us feels suicidal, so I don`t think that is really having to do with the SR, unless the way it aligns with the natal chart would suggest problems like that.

posted December 15, 2014 03:43 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Pretty Theft,

I understand you.

Auby,

opening the line of communication, if you manage to do so and yet stay centred as was being pointed out, seems like a great step into the right direction to me.

BTW my (and Mr Sag`s) SR look very similiar to this, as I suppose your twin was born maybe 2 or 3 days latern than us (Mr Sag and me of course have the same SR as we were born just a day apart, though it is puzzling to see that even our angles are aligned, which they are not in the natal, so it is more or less coincidental).

But I don`t think either of us feels suicidal, so I don`t think that is really having to do with the SR, unless the way it aligns with the natal chart would suggest problems like that.

---

No, no, I wouldn't think THAT would be indicated. More the odd part of the 29º LEO on MC and IC. Almost the fact that it's his IC, and my MC. I feel as if I can help 'bring' him out of this, and back into the light?