posted December 26, 2014 04:02 PM            

We've been together for a few years, and we now have a baby together, which is the reason I don't just up and leave (I've really been wanting to). There's been some abuse on both ends in this relationship. But a couple years ago, I decided enough was enough and I stopped behaving abusively. I wanted to be better, I wanted to change. So I did. He didn't. He continued to behave in an abusive manner. He sexually abused me for pretty much our whole relationship (I feel like a total idiot for staying this long). After we had a baby and he was still pushing me around and yelling and cursing at me while she was trying to sleep, I decided it was time to leave.

I went and stayed with my family for awhile and told him I wanted to separate. He was extremely dramatic about it and there was actually a scare where I thought he'd killed himself when I couldn't get a hold of him (he has moon conjuct jupiter in Leo). He was extremely apologetic and said he would never behave that way again. I decided to go back to be with him for the sole reason that I didn't want him to spend his first father's day without his baby (this was back in June). I've regretted this decision now and then. Sometimes I think I should have left while I still had momentum.

Ever since then, my feelings for him just haven't returned. Part of me thinks I should try to make it work for the baby since he hasn't done anything incredibly abusive since then. But even now, he doesn't respect my emotional space. I need space and time, and he simply won't give it to me. Several times a week he brings up our "situation" even though he knows I don't want to talk about it. He's always trying to be deep with me and that's the last thing I want with him right now. When I talk to a friend he asks if I was talking to her about our relationship, and then asks me what we specifically talked about. He doesn't take a hint. He kisses me, then I start to pull away and he'll stay right where he is and continue kissing me. I just want him to lay off!

So I guess without going into loads more detail I just want to know, what do you think of this composite? Why is he like this? Does it look like staying would be a good idea for the sake of our baby? Honestly, she's the reason I initially wanted to separate...I would have put up with this abuse probably forever if I didn't feel like it would affect her.

Oh, and what can I expect from transit Uranus entering our composite twelfth house? It will simultaneously conjunct my natal sun in the tenth.

Thank you so much for reading this far and for helping me. I really do need it at this point. I'm looking for answers any way I can, but I'm still just so confused and lost. I don't know which way to go.

posted December 26, 2014 04:09 PM            

Reading it all through pretty much every alarmbell inside of me was ringing loudly shrill and glaring red.
GET OUT OF THERE as soon as possible.

This sounds like a real crap situation for you and maybe I am being overly dramatic, but I have the feeling it can only go more downhill from here. Not wanting to scare you and I donīt know enough about the situation obviously, but it jsut sounds like one real red flag.

And I am not surprised you donīt have feelings for him anymore. SEriously, he is abusing you in so many ways possible, including sexually, that is no way to treat a loved one (I would go so far as to say this is not love. period.).

posted December 26, 2014 04:15 PM            

First of all, you're to be commended for deciding to target your own abusive behaviour and improve. That's huge, and not to be glossed over.

Secondly, and because of this, you need to leave. You're not an idiot, or a wimp; you're not 'less than' someone who hasn't endured an abuser. Brilliant women make the wrong decision to stay in bad relationships all the time.

But you do it for yourself AND your child.

YOU ARE NOT DOING EITHER OF YOURSELVES ANY FAVOURS BY STAYING WITH AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND AND FATHER.

PERIOD.

Kids DON'T do automatically better in two-parent households. They thrive where there's love and support. If that's just the two of you, so be it.

Getting out of my own, 22 December 2007, was the best move that I ever made. I'd have done it with a child, too. Conventional wisdom is not the tradition anymore, ironically.

Understanding that NO ONE deserves abuse is the best approach to take.

posted December 26, 2014 04:15 PM            

the T-squre between Neptune-Venus-Moon spells out a lot about the hopes, but also the delusions coming with the emotional relationship. No not all composites with T-squares are "doomed", but whenever Neptune makes very challenging aspects, I take notice, as people tend to stay longer than healthy in such relations because they hope and (want to) believe there is bliss, magic, the soulmate feeling just waiting round the corner.
In most cases it isn`t.

The Pluto on the DESC trine Venus probably is very binding, but apparently it is not enough.

However a composite really needs to be reflected back to the natals to see how it relates to both people.

The transiting Pluto-uranus square is also triggering the T-square. in the best scenario it is transformative, but in the worst case scenario it can be rather destructive and explosive.

posted December 26, 2014 04:15 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Honestly, in this case I wouldn`t really care about whatever astrology has to say.

Reading it all through pretty much every alarmbell inside of me was ringing loudly shrill and glaring red.
GET OUT OF THERE as soon as possible.

This sounds like a real crap situation for you and maybe I am being overly dramatic, but I have the feeling it can only go more downhill from here. Not wanting to scare you and I donīt know enough about the situation obviously, but it jsut sounds like one real red flag.

And I am not surprised you donīt have feelings for him anymore. SEriously, he is abusing you in so many ways possible, including sexually, that is no way to treat a loved one (I would go so far as to say this is not love. period.).

He does not respect you, so how could YOU love him?

---

Thank you for replying. I know you're right. I just beat myself up every day for not leaving sooner. I never should have had a baby with him. Now we have so much more to lose. I feel like I would destroy his life by leaving. And he is SO dramatic. I broke up with him at the beginning of our relationship and he started using drugs. When we got back together he liked to blame me for that decision during our arguments.

He's a good daddy (aside from what he's done to me). He loves our baby and takes good care of her. And he says he really loves me too, but for so long I feel like he's treated me as a possession, and now he's shocked that I'm advocating for myself. He wants things to go back to "normal"...but I've told him i don't think they can ever go back to normal again.

He showers me with expensive gifts that I don't ask for, and that makes me feel sort of guilty. He comes from a great family, and I used to love them (I still do love them) but they advocate for him, not me. When I told him I wanted a separation, his mom called me and tried to guilt me. She reminded me of how I've been abusive too in the past, as if that's a reason for me to stay forever. The bottom line is, I stopped. And since I was a kid, all I've known is abuse.

Not that this makes it okay, but let's look at the facts. He's from a great family where he was treated like a king his whole life. I came from an abusive family. Naturally I would bring that mindset into the relationship with me. Still, I'm the one who stopped, and he continued. The only reason I ever became abusive is because I was so resentful of the sexual abuse.

posted December 26, 2014 04:20 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aubyanne:
I'm going to be straight with you.

First of all, you're to be commended for deciding to target your own abusive behaviour and improve. That's huge, and not to be glossed over.

Secondly, and because of this, [b]you need to leave. You're not an idiot, or a wimp; you're not 'less than' someone who hasn't endured an abuser. Brilliant women make the wrong decision to stay in bad relationships all the time.

But you do it for yourself AND your child.

YOU ARE NOT DOING EITHER OF YOURSELVES ANY FAVOURS BY STAYING WITH AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND AND FATHER.

PERIOD.

Kids DON'T do automatically better in two-parent households. They thrive where there's love and support. If that's just the two of you, so be it.

Getting out of my own, 22 December 2007, was the best move that I ever made. I'd have done it with a child, too. Conventional wisdom is not the tradition anymore, ironically.

Understanding that NO ONE deserves abuse is the best approach to take.

Do you have a safe escape plan? I needed one.[/B]

---

Thank you so much for saying all this. It feels good to have my feelings validated.

posted December 26, 2014 04:22 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Nevertheless I looked at the composite and I do not like it at all!

the T-squre between Neptune-Venus-Moon spells out a lot about the hopes, but also the delusions coming with the emotional relationship. No not all composites with T-squares are "doomed", but whenever Neptune makes very challenging aspects, I take notice, as people tend to stay longer than healthy in such relations because they hope and (want to) believe there is bliss, magic, the soulmate feeling just waiting round the corner.
In most cases it isn`t.

The Pluto on the DESC trine Venus probably is very binding, but apparently it is not enough.

However a composite really needs to be reflected back to the natals to see how it relates to both people.

The transiting Pluto-uranus square is also triggering the T-square. in the best scenario it is transformative, but in the worst case scenario it can be rather destructive and explosive.

---

Thank you for looking at the composite. I wouldn't have noticed these things. I did notice pluto on the DSC, but didn't know what it meant.

posted December 26, 2014 04:37 PM            

I hope you will not take it the wrong way. I can just talk from my own thinking, and well, I donīt feel like I can be very diplomatic in this instance, but have to tell it just as I think it. If it comes across as rude or selfrighteous, I apologize in advance.

"I just beat myself up every day for not leaving sooner. "
Don`t. It doesn`t matter. What matters is NOW, the present, nothing else.

"I never should have had a baby with him. "
Maybe. On the other hand I am sure you love your baby, and she was meant to be brought into this life, so I think, yes, you should have had the baby. This does not mean however, you should stay with the father, especially if you do not love him and/ or he is abusive.

"eel like I would destroy his life by leaving."
STOP right there!!!!
I mean it. Stop this train of thought, cause it is destructive, plays into him guilttripping you and above all is utterly wrong.

You are not destroying his life. He is doing it for himself. You are not responsible for what he does.
He is.
And if he is destructive in his life, then HE is destroying it, not anyone else.

"And he is SO dramatic. I broke up with him at the beginning of our relationship and he started using drugs. When we got back together he liked to blame me for that decision during our arguments."
He`s a whimp! though apparently pretty good in being manipulative and emotionally blackmailing.

Sorry, but I warned you, I can`t mince words tonight, and that is simply what I really think.

"He's a good daddy"
No, he`s not.
He abuses her mother. How could he be a good daddy setting THAT awful example?

"nd takes good care of her."
For how long will that be? How long until he is going to strike her for something he doesn`t like about her, because things go against his wishes? Maybe never, maybe. But chances are slim.

It seems to be a part of his personality and if he mistreats you like this, one day he might cross the line with her, too.

As I said it does not have to be this case, but it could. And that is scary enough.

" And he says he really loves me too, but for so long I feel like he's treated me as a possession, and now he's shocked that I'm advocating for myself. He wants things to go back to "normal"..."
Of course. No owner likes to see his posession slip away.

Yuou say it here, h treats you like posession, to do with you as he pleases.
But you are a person, you deserve RESPECT.

"He showers me with expensive gifts that I don't ask for, and that makes me feel sort of guilty. "
Which is probably exactly why he does it. He has learned that guilttripping you will serve his purpsoe of keeping you on a leash.

"The bottom line is, I stopped. And since I was a kid, all I've known is abuse."
I am sorry to hear that, but sadly not surprised. You found again in this relationship what you already knew. We are drawn to familiar patterns, sadly even when they are bad for us (= abusive).

"I'm sure it sounds terrible to you"
Yes it does. It apalls me how he treats you. And it makes me sad that you are still trying to find apologies or explanations for him. though probably understandable.

But frankly, it does not matter.
No past, no experience gives anyone the right to abuse someone else. Period.

"But it doesn't feel that dangerous now."
That is where the real danger lies imo (and very Neptunian btw).
Even if it might not be dangerous for you physically now.....

though what am I talking here????

He abuses you sexually, he IS endanger and violate your body, and hurting your soul and warping your mind. THAT is danger on all possible levels!
But the most dangerous thing is that you can`t see it quite as that. Even if he is not threatening to kill you, he undermines you, and thus your confidence and your personality is dying a slow death.
Do you want that? Do you want your daughter to grow up and internalize this rolemodel as a woman?
That it is okay to be abused by someone?

Well I know you are a strong woman, otherwise you wouldn`t have the clarity to see how wrong it all is. It is just that I feel that clarity has not completely reached deep enough. Not yet. But hopefully it will.

posted December 26, 2014 05:06 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by wheresthemoon:
Thank you so much for saying all this. It feels good to have my feelings validated.

Here's another thing though. If we split, I'd share custody of our baby with him. I'm afraid of how he would parent her when I'm not around. Part of me wants to stay just so that I can control the parenting situation and make sure she's safe.

---

Don't. Go for joint legal and full physical custody with visitation rights for the child's father.

There's no reason you can't do that. Can you afford a lawyer? You can file for custody pro per if necessary. Especially as an abused spouse. I'd file a DV-100 (which is for temporary restraint of your spouse, just in case he gets crazy.)

You say you don't feel in danger. Maybe not right now. That can change. Very, very quickly.

posted December 26, 2014 05:11 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by wheresthemoon:
I just recently started getting into reading composites, and I'm not very good at it. I would really appreciate it if someone could read this composite for me. It's between me and my SO. I recently posted about this guy I'm "obsessed" with. I've been putting a lot of focus on this little obsession because I've been trying to avoid the real issue...the problems in my present relationship. But I think it's time to target the real issue. Please help!

We've been together for a few years, and we now have a baby together, which is the reason I don't just up and leave (I've really been wanting to). There's been some abuse on both ends in this relationship. But a couple years ago, I decided enough was enough and I stopped behaving abusively. I wanted to be better, I wanted to change. So I did. He didn't. He continued to behave in an abusive manner. He sexually abused me for pretty much our whole relationship (I feel like a total idiot for staying this long). After we had a baby and he was still pushing me around and yelling and cursing at me while she was trying to sleep, I decided it was time to leave.

I went and stayed with my family for awhile and told him I wanted to separate. He was extremely dramatic about it and there was actually a scare where I thought he'd killed himself when I couldn't get a hold of him (he has moon conjuct jupiter in Leo). He was extremely apologetic and said he would never behave that way again. I decided to go back to be with him for the sole reason that I didn't want him to spend his first father's day without his baby (this was back in June). I've regretted this decision now and then. Sometimes I think I should have left while I still had momentum.

Ever since then, my feelings for him just haven't returned. Part of me thinks I should try to make it work for the baby since he hasn't done anything incredibly abusive since then. But even now, he doesn't respect my emotional space. I need space and time, and he simply won't give it to me. Several times a week he brings up our "situation" even though he knows I don't want to talk about it. He's always trying to be deep with me and that's the last thing I want with him right now. When I talk to a friend he asks if I was talking to her about our relationship, and then asks me what we specifically talked about. He doesn't take a hint. He kisses me, then I start to pull away and he'll stay right where he is and continue kissing me. I just want him to lay off!

So I guess without going into loads more detail I just want to know, what do you think of this composite? Why is he like this? Does it look like staying would be a good idea for the sake of our baby? Honestly, she's the reason I initially wanted to separate...I would have put up with this abuse probably forever if I didn't feel like it would affect her.

Oh, and what can I expect from transit Uranus entering our composite twelfth house? It will simultaneously conjunct my natal sun in the tenth.

Thank you so much for reading this far and for helping me. I really do need it at this point. I'm looking for answers any way I can, but I'm still just so confused and lost. I don't know which way to go.

[IMG]http://i1382.photobucket.com/albums/ah254/kenriesnowflake/Composite_zps9da36bda.gif [/IMG]

---

Hi there,

I am not going to see the composite, just to give a couple of insights that may be of help..

first, you dont love him... there is no reason to stay with a man you dont love. before moving to his abusive behavior, i suspect you are unconsciusly provoking another abuse. the reason is that you frustrate him as he wants you and you reject him.. of course, this is no a justification for abuse, dont get me wrong, but it is a dangerous situation, because the more frustrated he feels the more you are at risk of being physically or emotionally abused...

dont think that avoiding a conversation is the way to go. if you dont want to talk, then write a letter explaining everthing and leave when he is not in the house. the more you avoid the issue, the more he wants to talk.. it is the typical run-away chaser game. if you want to get out of this game, you need to confront but from a safe place. be honest and explain that you dont want this relationship and leave... no composite is going to make up for your actions of lack of...

my advice.. leave... and write a letter... if you can leave the city, the better..

posted December 26, 2014 05:12 PM            

WTM,

Try not to be blinded by the peaceful moments. Remember the abuse.

Mine used to rape me when I was sedated. I thought I was pregnant the month I left, because I skipped a period -- and, at that point, I was clockwork.

I used to have some sympathy. But I never, ever forgot. The screaming. The way I'd cry, and he'd tell me to shut up, and roll over on his side. How I ran after him in a parking lot, barefoot, from my apartment.

More than anything, a permanent corneal scar in my left eye. Just in case I ever started to think, 'it's not that bad.'

Remember what's real. Don't minimise. Don't let him gaslight.

YOU NEED TO GO.

posted December 26, 2014 05:18 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by wheresthemoon:

that makes me think he is just walking on eggshells until I "come around."

---

Please, wheresthemoon,

posted December 26, 2014 05:53 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aubyanne:
Ceri, don't waste your breath. She knows. She will or she won't. That's just how it is.

WTM,

Try not to be blinded by the peaceful moments. Remember the abuse.

Mine used to rape me when I was sedated. I thought I was pregnant the month I left, because I skipped a period -- and, at that point, I was clockwork.

I used to have some sympathy. But I never, ever forgot. The screaming. The way I'd cry, and he'd tell me to shut up, and roll over on his side. How I ran after him in a parking lot, barefoot, from my apartment.

More than anything, a permanent corneal scar in my left eye. Just in case I ever started to think, 'it's not that bad.'

Remember what's real. Don't minimise. Don't let him gaslight.

YOU NEED TO GO.

And that's all I'll say.

---

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Stories like yours both inspire me and make me second guess myself. It has never been THAT bad for me. He has never beaten me, he has only pushed me around and physically kept me from leaving the house, taken my car keys, etc. He has never broken my skin or left any scar. He is cold towards me but only rarely. He is obsessive about me, and to me that feels worse. I would say he has raped me, but he has never sedated me. He just ignored me saying no, and I would go along with it because I didn't want to deal with the guilt I would get if I physically stopped him. Now I just don't have sex with him at all, which he likes to drop into conversations with me all the time.

posted January 08, 2015 11:42 AM            

But I am badly in need of encouragement. I feel it's the right thing to do, but he is being so PERFECT right now it's just really hard. I knew to expect it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am riddled with guilt over taking his baby away from him and just in a lot of pain. Suddenly I am remembering all the good times.

posted January 08, 2015 01:30 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by wheresthemoon:
I wanted to let you guys know I asked for a separation. He is being really good about it...WAY better than I thought he was going to be. He seems to understand that I need it.

But I am badly in need of encouragement. I feel it's the right thing to do, but he is being so PERFECT right now it's just really hard. I knew to expect it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am riddled with guilt over taking his baby away from him and just in a lot of pain. Suddenly I am remembering all the good times.

I just need to be reminded that this is the right thing.

---

You are doing the right thing! Not sure this helps but in all bad situations, and I have been in some really bad ones.., I just leave and then I let myself go with all the surrounding "darkness" and give myself time to heal. I don't fight it and if that means secluding myself from society for months, so be it. I cry, throw things and behave just the way I feel. Time comes when things are ripe to turn for the better. Trust that!!

posted January 08, 2015 01:56 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by charlie:
You are doing the right thing! Not sure this helps but in all bad situations, and I have been in some really bad ones.., I just leave and then I let myself go with all the surrounding "darkness" and give myself time to heal. I don't fight it and if that means secluding myself from society for months, so be it. I cry, throw things and behave just the way I feel. Time comes when things are ripe to turn for the better. Trust that!!

Good luck

---

posted January 08, 2015 02:43 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by wheresthemoon:

But I am badly in need of encouragement. I feel it's the right thing to do, but he is being so PERFECT right now it's just really hard. I knew to expect it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am riddled with guilt over taking his baby away from him and just in a lot of pain. Suddenly I am remembering all the good times.

I just need to be reminded that this is the right thing.

---

posted January 08, 2015 03:34 PM            

I praise you for being so open! Love yourself, you are too precious. Ending this relationship sounds like the right thing. A baby needs parents who care for each other and a baby needs safety! Make this your focus, making your baby feel safe, understood and loved. Even though you say he is a good daddy the baby feels all that is happening between you.

I can so understand your guilty feelings but leaving is the best thing to do for both of you and the baby.

The way he is reacting now sounds like manipulation to me. Of course I don't know that for sure and don't want to judge only you know that.

I think it's beautiful how people on this forum care and are helping you btw! I love it!

Take good care of yourself! Listen to your heart, your gut, it never lies. Don't let the guilty feelings decide.

posted January 09, 2015 02:05 PM            

Try to make the separation as peaceful as you can by saving his ego. Try to be respectful and kind (but not weak) if possible, depending on his behavior of course. Being left by the mother of one's child is quite the blow. You can to some degree influence how he's going to take that blow, and whether he will direct the anger towards you or elsewhere. The calmer you can be throughout the process, the better.

Try to see it as a kind of disease on his part, he likely suffers from poor self-esteem (why else would he turn against a weaker person to let off steam?). Hopefully, he will come to see it like this as well, and seek treatment for his own sake. That's however his own affair, do not make it your problem and certainly do not hope for him to change anytime soon.