posted February 10, 2015 02:41 PM            

Yeah. It's me. I'm back. And, feeling like we all might need a bit of a reality check as tMERC goes direct, tVENUS and tMARS conjoin in PISCES, and that tURA/PLUTO square keeps on keepin' on.

If you've been following my little saga since 2011 or so, you'll know that, during the course of studying Twin Flames, I was shocked (yes, really) to discover I myself am a Twin -- and even know mine. While I was truly blown away by, and had a difficult time digesting this, it did seem logical, and nothing else truly accounted for many things I still can't explain. Over time, I came to accept it.

In so doing, however, I also accepted things I never should have: emotional and verbal abuse from one who's so broken that he feels he has to keep those important to him at a distance by being so sarcastic and cruel. And, as 2013, I could take no more. He said things to me I'll never forget, even if I have forgiven them. At the end of the day, the purpose was clear.

I needed to have enough confidence in, and love for myself to move on.

At the time, I'd also become acutely aware of my husband's abusive tendencies, stemming from much of the same wounds as my Twin. I felt lost. I hung on because I wasn't about to abandon my marriage, no matter how miserable it was. I believed in a better day. And, I was motivated to teach him how to love unconditionally, as I love him -- because someone in my life had taught me how to love without condition. Who, despite the impossible circumstances of our relationship, stayed by me, a true friend and confidante, never abused, never played games, and, following one horrendous heartbreak and abandonment in 2010, said he'd never hurt me again.

And he hasn't. And, after years of working to believe it, I know that he won't. Late 2013, he said he's in this with me; by spring 2014, for the long haul. And I believe him.

Meanwhile, my husband and I've been through the wringer with each other. Yet, deep down, he just wanted me to stand up for myself, and help him with his worst character traits. That's when he began working with my boyfriend on his greatest flaws and drawbacks. We kept working together -- through the downs and the hardest days, and most difficult struggles. Days we wanted to give up, one us would tell the other, 'I love you. Don't give up.' And we wouldn't. Through tears and fights (my husband and I) or avoidance and distance (myself and my boyfriend), we refused to give up.

We fought for each other's greatest happiness. This will now mark the first Valentine's Day that we spend together, as some sort of family, two soul brothers and the woman they love more deeply than any other, who loves them more than any other men in the universe.

We've been fighting for love; the ability to love fully and completely and without condition. To love someone society tells you that you shouldn't and overcome the obstacles making that relationship impossible is the greatest karma my boyfriend and I have had to overcome. And, to love unconditionally and refuse to give up, to maintain a commitment despite everything that rages against it to destroy it -- that's the debt my husband and I owe each other.

It's a bit to ask someone to manage in a single lifetime, but we're doing it. Better some days than others, and, at times, brilliantly.

You'll notice that my Twin is missing from the picture. He is. By choice. I wasted a lot of years loving him when he couldn't reciprocate. I thought because of how desperately he wanted to that it justified my hanging on.

NO. NOTHING justifies abuse. EVER.

Outside of our amazing composite and powerful synastry, there's one aspect which came to my attention shortly after I decided I had to let him go -- despite the many ways we both unconsciously hang on -- in order to give my all to the two men in my life who love me so totally -- I had to let go.

His NESSUS-LOGOS conjunct my NNODE-OSIRIS. 0º.

Oh, what a beautiful, transcendental force he could've been! (Though, when I speak with such finality, as my husband likes to remind, 'he isn't dead.' No, but he's got a very, very long way to go.) If only he had learnt how to properly manage his anger, and utilise his incredible spiritual gifts. Oh, if only.

These days, he's a wayward brother to me. Never completely falls off of my radar, and I 'check in' various ways while maintaining the distance I need for my own peace of mind and emotional stability. Too close, and he lashes out. I don't need it. It's one thing to cry for help and another to continuously bash the one trying to help you.

In the past year, I saw him three times. Something of a record. He came here, I went there. We were always just passing through, but never could do so without seeing each other. Even just for an hour, or two, if lucky.

I used to close my eyes and long for the feeling of him holding me, in those slightly longer hugs just before leaving. In those moments, I can feel his soul. But they're private moments, which I share with no one. Perhaps that was acceptable until I finally felt what such reciprocation was; that someone could hold me, and breathe me in, and long to do so again -- and tell me about it!

I had a revelation in that moment, and I couldn't settle for anything less than true mutuality again. Not assumption, not 'gleaning' or 'implying' or figuring what he 'must really mean'.

No. Nothing less than 'I love you'. Period.

Blame SATURN having moved over my MERC, MOON, and MARS (3H) within the last two years: my chartruler, my 11R, and my 8R. I need the feeling of arms around me. I need eye contact. I need stability, structure, and trust. Honesty. Commitment. Reality.

I'm creating my heaven on earth right here in my own life with people who love me: a smattering of wonderful friends I have the fortune of calling 'friend', some of which are amazing professional contacts who are helping me realise long-cherished creative dreams, and my family -- the one from which I originate, and the one I've created: two very special men and one very, very special young teenage girl.

I'll accept nothing less than true love, because I give nothing less in return.

If that's what my Twin taught me, it was worthwhile. But some happy endings you create yourself. But it's made possible by those who truly love you.

posted February 10, 2015 05:41 PM            

Thank you for sharing. I'm happy that you found the strength to proceed forward.

posted February 10, 2015 05:43 PM            

quote:

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NO. NOTHING justifies abuse. EVER.

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... I don't know. If the person isn't conscious of the pain he's putting us through, can we really blame him ?

posted February 10, 2015 06:14 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Yanmorg:
I respect and admire your strength.

Regardless of the reason behind it all, you didn't deserve that treatment.

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Thanks, Yanmorg.

Let's just say it was meant to happen

posted February 11, 2015 12:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Peluches:
... I don't know. If the person isn't conscious of the pain he's putting us through, can we really blame him ?

We all do things we don't mean without realizing it. It's just not the same things for each person. Abuse, for instance, will seem incredibly painful and important for some people, while others won't care so much about it. It all depends of people's point of view, really. And I know what I'm talking about -- edit.

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It isn't quite the same. But, the older you get, the more you see how much time can be wasted with those who aren't productive relationships -- who don't show us respect, or give us the love or caring we all deserve.

So, no, NOTHING justifies staying with an abuser. NOTHING.

We've all been through extremely difficult situations. If we can limit them, we should. All we do is get older and see what time has gone by, or how we've been affected by the stress.

It isn't worth it.

posted February 13, 2015 11:44 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:
It isn't quite the same. But, the older you get, the more you see how much time can be wasted with those who aren't productive relationships -- who don't show us respect, or give us the love or caring we all deserve.

So, no, NOTHING justifies staying with an abuser. NOTHING.

We've all been through extremely difficult situations. If we can limit them, we should. All we do is get older and see what time has gone by, or how we've been affected by the stress.

It isn't worth it.

I know what I'm talking about as well.

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Sorry if 'And I know what I'm talking about.' seemed harsh... It was actually followed by an explanation in the original post.

Concerning 'Nothing justifies abuse' -- I still believe we aren't to blame the abuser. In my original post above, I had given the example of past reincarnations : "She [a person I know has abused] is just someone who hasn't evolved yet. (...) For all you know, I myself was someone like her in a previous life, but I learnt my lesson then and that, amongst others, is why I am here." I believe that all of our souls have the same lessons to learn before reaching the completely evolved state. My point is, though we may not be born equal (regarding soul evolution then, personality in this life, etc.) as humans, we always are equal as souls and therefore blaming the 'abuser' is tantamount to judging according to something we are not responsible for -- i.e. soul evolution. Hence the 'unconscious' part.

As to 'Nothing justifies staying with an abuser', that's a different story. Overall, I agree to this (unless the 'victim' is a masochist, but that's none of my business...), but I would like to add that sometimes we just don't have a choice. And although, yes, that is definitely a waste of time and energy, the only option in such cases is to wait.

posted February 13, 2015 01:23 PM            

By my thirties, I'd firmly asserted that no one should be in an abusive relationship. Period. I don't think that's ever going to change.

posted February 13, 2015 02:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Peluches:
Okay. I guess I'll just see with time

Apologies for derailing your thread Auby

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Oh, no worries there. And, about the one and ONLY area in which I've 'allowed' abuse (emotional and verbal) is within the context of my family, as my mother developed a psychiatric disorder in conjunction with a life-threatening medical condition during my teen years. They were monstrous, horrible times. But we've worked through them, and are grateful for what we have now.

My husband had issues with emotional abuse. I withstood some of it for the sake of my stepdaughter, and keeping our marriage together. But we worked diligently on resolving the underlying issues, healing the damage, and attaining psychological health and emotional well-being. We worked for it.

So, unless it's 'family', I don't stand for it. I wasted my twenties that way. A decade I'll never get back. Some days, I'm furious; others, I'm grief-stricken. Most of the time, I just resolve: never, EVER again.

I've stuck to that.

So, you're not derailing anything. I'm simply reiterating my point: love who love you. Don't waste your time or even much sympathy on those who don't. Or can't.

posted February 13, 2015 03:04 PM            

Just in case, --
It would have been fine with me, too, if it were 'just' emotional and verbal abuse, although I have 'accepted' (not rebelled against) the rest -- and the reason for this is not only my way of thinking which I posted previously, but also because she's my mother and she -- obviously -- loves me.

quote:

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In my (younger) youth, I thought that just because they couldn't gives them a pass.

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posted February 13, 2015 03:41 PM            

I feel there's a difference between the various ways our young minds seek to cope, typically to justify, abuse we incur, and later learning, to forgive it -- but NOT accept it.

I used to find a comforting elegance in the conventional concept of karma in the 'goes around, comes around' sense. I've found it, too, to be lacking in proper complexity. Not convolution, mind -- merely oversimplified.

posted February 13, 2015 07:58 PM            

quote:

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I used to find a comforting elegance in the conventional concept of karma in the 'goes around, comes around' sense. I've found it, too, to be lacking in proper complexity. Not convolution, mind -- merely oversimplified.

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Exactly. I started to question myself about the real meaning of 'karma' when I started studying the synastry of my 'karmic' relationship in depth, and soon realised that it had to be much more complex and detailed than a simple 'face the consequences of your actions' rule.

I think I'm going to post the charts in a new thread because I can't make heads or tails of the karma involved... Would you mind taking a look, please ?