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Author Topic:   Fear of abandonment vs fear of commitment: natal and synastry
meissieri
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Posts: 1563
From: Neptune with Faith, Bella, Muddy and Doux. Commuting between that and Chiron.
Registered: Feb 2013

posted March 24, 2015 12:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for meissieri     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi everyone!
This has been on my mind for a while and after reading this article on Sasstrology, I want to talk about markers for these natally and which can trigger either in synastry.
(And all of these threads on how to spot something in the chart are inspiring!)

http://sasstrology.com/2015/03/can-you-handle-being-alone-astrological-signatures-of-independence.html

My own theory, with what I've learned from experience.

- Someone with a fear of commitment will still have a fear of abandonment, too, though this is something they're not aware of and may even reject. My experiences here - the minute I'd decided to move on and forced myself to let go of them, they'd come back - whether just to talk or because they wanted me back.

This gives me strong vibes of Uranus in aspect to Venus, Mars, or romance house rulers, or in any of the romance houses; same for any of these in Aquarius. Uranus in the 2nd house or Aquarius on the cusp possibly, too, I agree with the article in it describing what makes you feel secure, and it also describes your sense of self worth. Uranus/Aquarius gets it from being alone, to be free to do whatever they want and go with their own flow.

But not without Pluto/Scorpio in either of these conditions, too. While the Uranus touch will make someone like being free, Pluto adds a need to merge, which can get obsessive in the worst case.

Now fear of abandonment:

As this often stems from childhood issues, the IC and Moon will likely be involved. Hard aspects from Saturn to Venus, Mars, romance house rulers or in said houses can give someone a protective shell, someone who looks all capable and independent, but deep down has a lot of fear and insecurity they want support for. Again, most of this is just me agreeing with the article, so please read it, all credit goes to her - it's that good. I'm just taking it a step further to explain either of these phobias.

- A very strong, dominant Moon or Venus naturally makes someone more inclined towards nurturing/security and relationships. Lunar people can hold onto people for a long time. Especially when the Moon or Venus is in hard aspect to Pluto, they can find it very hard to let go. A tight trine or sextile might still do the same. Also check the dispositors of the Moon and Venus - are they in a water sign, for instance, or conjunct Pluto or Saturn?

I'll post more when I get more ideas. Just thought it was a good moment to share this, see if you can see some markers too.

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LeeLoo2014
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posted March 24, 2015 03:54 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi, Meissieri, good stuff!

I'm not sure fear of commitment exists, psychologically, separated from fear of abandonment. I mean, some people seem to have fear of commitment, but they actually have a "plan" as the reason for their non-committal behavior, and the others mistake it for "fear of commitment". The plan can be: searching for a very specific partner (for example, I had a friend who secretly wanted to marry a rich woman yikes! and he didn't commit until he found her), experiencing variety until they are 40, being free to travel the world, having a certain goal/objective that requires personal freedom etc.

Fear of abandonment does exist and it leads to certain behavioral patterns such as leaving the other before being left, which can be mistaken as "fear of commitment" (as I said, I'm not sure this one exists). So I think an interesting first thing to determine for your theme is the actual reason behind the non-committal behavior, it must have very different astrology, me thinks.

------------------
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms...

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meissieri
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From: Neptune with Faith, Bella, Muddy and Doux. Commuting between that and Chiron.
Registered: Feb 2013

posted March 24, 2015 04:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for meissieri     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
Hi, Meissieri, good stuff!

I'm not sure fear of commitment exists, psychologically, separated from fear of abandonment. I mean, some people seem to have fear of commitment, but they actually have a "plan" as the reason for their non-committal behavior, and the others mistake it for "fear of commitment". The plan can be: searching for a very specific partner (for example, I had a friend who secretly wanted to marry a rich woman yikes! and he didn't commit until he found her), experiencing variety until they are 40, being free to travel the world, having a certain goal/objective that requires personal freedom etc.

Fear of abandonment does exist and it leads to certain behavioral patterns such as leaving the other before being left, which can be mistaken as "fear of commitment" (as I said, I'm not sure this one exists). So I think an interesting first thing to determine for your theme is the actual reason behind the non-committal behavior, it must have very different astrology, me thinks.


Hey thank you glad you appreciate the topic.

I think I see what you mean - the commitment phobe would actually just show a way to cope with his fear of being left, such as by not getting into any kind of relationship, or your example of leaving before their partner does.

The plan thing is a good example! Yes, it would look like not wanting any commitment from the outside, but he still had his reasons not to do it. He had to search for a very long time then.

As for different examples, I guess there's the person who doesn't want to live up to expectations (like not liking that their partner wants them to call them if some hanging out with friends gets late and they stay over) or just hoping to find something better - they still have doubts about whether they've found the right one or not.
Probably again a very strong, dominant Uranus and a not-so-strong Saturn. If their sense of responsibility is low, they're not likely making that choice to commit.

People more conscious of their fear of abandoment may pick someone it wouldn't work out with anyway, because then they can at least prepare themselves for the breakup, and feel as if they have more control over it.
Hmm this feels like Venus-Saturn afflictions, a lack of confidence in themselves and trust that someone may actually love them.

Hey, that's already one contrast like you said.

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hearttreasure
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posted March 24, 2015 05:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hearttreasure     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Great article, thank you for posting it, meissieri!


"Strong Sagittarius signatures in your chart (involving the 1st/7th House or your relationship planets) can mean that you’re laid-back and optimistic about relationships. If you’re single, it’s no big deal because someone will eventually come along. If you’re in a relationship, you’re happy to be there, but you still need room to explore and experience life (with or without your partner)."

Sag in 1st house. Totally true. Add Aqua influence there.


"Sun, Moon, Venus or Mars in the 12th House can enhance your need for alone time. Whether you’re single or involved, 12th House energy creates a need for isolation. This house represents what’s removed from the mundane world. You can’t (and usually don’t want to) share everything that’s in this house, even if you’re paired up with the love of your life. Sometimes natal Jupiter in the 12th House can indicate happiness with being alone. Quiet time brings you joy, and possibilities for the future emerge only when external distractions have been quieted."

Mars in 12th. I always imagine myself having one room for myself if I live with the love of my life. My bf has mercury and mars in 12th house too! *surprised*

I like being alone but not lonely.
My friends always wonder why I like being alone in a coffee shop with my laptop or shopping alone or just being alone, it's because I meet/talk with people everyday (family, friends, co-workers, strangers who-know-me-I-don't-know-them lol) and I need my alone time doing my own stuff (recharged time).

But it doesn't mean that I fear of commitment, I just need my independence/room/alone time.

I don't know if there's an aspect (natal/synastry) to indicate the person has a fear of abandonment or has a fear of commitment. I would love to know about it.

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Gemini30
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posted March 24, 2015 05:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gemini30     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Can't a person also have a fear of commitment not because of fear of abandonment, but really because the person just want's to have too much fun?

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hearttreasure
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posted March 24, 2015 07:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hearttreasure     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Gemini30:
Can't a person also have a fear of commitment not because of fear of abandonment, but really because the person just want's to have too much fun?

LOL. Yes, you can!

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LeeLoo2014
unregistered
posted March 25, 2015 11:47 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by meissieri:
Hey thank you glad you appreciate the topic.

I think I see what you mean - the commitment phobe would actually just show a way to cope with his fear of being left, such as by not getting into any kind of relationship, or your example of leaving before their partner does.

The plan thing is a good example! Yes, it would look like not wanting any commitment from the outside, but he still had his reasons not to do it. He had to search for a very long time then.

As for different examples, I guess there's the person who doesn't want to live up to expectations (like not liking that their partner wants them to call them if some hanging out with friends gets late and they stay over) or just hoping to find something better - they still have doubts about whether they've found the right one or not.
Probably again a very strong, dominant Uranus and a not-so-strong Saturn. If their sense of responsibility is low, they're not likely making that choice to commit.

People more conscious of their fear of abandoment may pick someone it wouldn't work out with anyway, because then they can at least prepare themselves for the breakup, and feel as if they have more control over it.
Hmm this feels like Venus-Saturn afflictions, a lack of confidence in themselves and trust that someone may actually love them.

Hey, that's already one contrast like you said.


Hm the idea is, I think, to establish if this "fear of commitment" exists. Many people suffering in love because their partner/desired one exhibits non-committal behavior have this idea that this happens because the other has a "fear of commitment", especially many women come up with this problem (but the gender ratio is changing). The point is, in most of the cases, the person doesn't have a fear or reluctance to commit in general, but with YOU (not you, the X person, wanting the commitment)(because of the specific thing they look for); or they don't want to commit in general because they have that plan (so they don't want to commit to anyone), but it is not fear, it is simply a plan

Fear of abandonment, however, is real and I think, as you pointed out with those aspects, it's strongly related to parental models (or the lack thereof), as one factor, so looking at those in the chart is a good lead.

------------------
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms...

LeeLoo's Esotericorner

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vansio
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From: the outskirts of Delphi
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posted July 19, 2021 08:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for vansio     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
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