posted October 23, 2016 04:28 PM
Oh well the night after we met I thought I was dying of a stroke (and happily so. lol).
Altered consciousness. Possibly some sort of kundalini rising. Maybe. Who really knows?
Heard his voice inside my mind. Happens sometimes, randomly. Nothing big, just the most ordinary things, like overhearing someone talking in a distance. LOL
I remember one time on a concert when he had come down of his stage, walking up to me, mostly cause I had turnd my head away avoiding to look at him, cause I had a strange feeling. lol
which he took as a challenge to MAKE me acknowledge him, so he was teasing me, then moving on to the next, but coming back to me to ask for my name, then going on with the show, then coming back to the aisle, naturally needing to sing a whole stanza of a song, from standing right beside me with his hand on the back of my chair. And it felt... bizarre. He was so close, and usually my defensive system is up to state, in his case however it seems to not even register he is another being, and I was unable to say anymore where I (my aura) ended and he began.
It was like rings interlocking, or maybe overlaying I don´t know. It was a really bizarre feeling, and I definitely have ot had that with anybody else.
He then went a few steps away, then turned around a few metres in front of me, and for some moments stared at me with so many questionmarks in his eyes that that moment I was sure he had felt that something really strange had just happened. He seemed quite startled himself.
Apart from that well I did not know it in the beginning, but he grew up in the city my great grandmother lived and we were so often there in this city, so going there again (for his concerts mostly) is like coming home.
Our family-structure seems to be very very similiar just that he is the youngest sibling and I am the oldest.
Funny enough his longterm exgirlfriend has a sister with Down syndrome (which I only learned last year. lol) and I have a brother with Down syndrome.
Him and we we also have some little things in common, like the same favourite icecream, the same weird tick how to eat jelly beans. lol
We both loved as teenager to go to Mc Donalds, order french fries and icecream, and put the french fries into the icecream and eat it like that. lol Just his pick was strawberry ice cream, I always picked vanilla ice cream. (I like strawberry too though).
He once told how he loves to take a walk to this huge oak tree and sit there and get reenergized and just think and meditate.
Which reminded me of "my" oaktree where I am doing the same. lol
we loved the same audio-stories as children. but then again many people do I guess.
I apparently often feel his aches. I mean sometimes I get those phantom aches, in my back or knee, and it confuses me cause they do not feel like real pain to me, not mine at least. And usually a day later he will mention that he once again has hurt his back or knee.
Sometimes I feel, on some more spiritual than emotional level, that I really miss hearing from him, and within hours i usually hear from him.
On facebook I always know when he is responding to me, I can feel it beneath my navel, some weird feeling, very distinctive, that I by now have come to identify as him commenting on something I put there. lol
I am a teacher, he is an actor.
As a teacher I am often having workshops about theatre/ acting/ writing, and also my poor pupils always must do some role plays. and I have actually once directed a little play with my pupils for a special day.
As an actor he often goes to schools (not mine obviously. lol) to give theatre workshops to the pupils there; he also teaches aspiring actors/ actresses in workshops.
Incidentally we started doing that at the same time.
Also incidentally we started losing weight pretty much the same month. lol
It is maybe all just coincidental, as I said, I don´t want to get into that discussion about tfs too much (mostly because most of those experts in this area do not convince me at all).
EDIT
The meeting also changed my life in profound ways. Or well he was catalystic to me changing my perception of myself and some other things. The changes actually took place mostly in the times when I was avoiding him.
After our first meeting I disappeared, and over the course of the years, I have disappeared several times, until I simply gave up. I am crossing his path again anyway, so why even bother to pretend I could really stay away or wanted to? lol
But yes, I changed. Most visibly I had been very overweight and shed about 55 kilos (mostly in 2013-2015; since then I have maintained my weight, still want to lose more, but it does not feel as urgent anymore).
But it`s not about the kilos, they are just an outer sign of an inner process having started and being ongoing.
But yes I do think he was a catalyst for that, even though it DID come from myself and I did not lose weight FOR him or something. Maybe it was cause when we first met HE already seemed to appreciate me and SEE me in a way I could not see myself, and it was a little shocking to me that first of all I could not deceive HIM and no defensity nor amount of kilos could really keep him away or from seeing me.
But I also felt almost ashamed that he seemed to appreciate me more than I did myself. That despite my best efforts to be invisible, only visible in an intellectual way, he looked at me and treated me like I was special and it seemed clear though was getting over my horizon that he saw me as a woman, something I did my best to NOT let on at that time.
Well it shocked me, both the fact that I had such a little opinion of myself but also the fact that he seemed to just not be bothered by what I wanted the world tosee or not to see, and still saw a side of me, I did not, apparently.
So I became aware that there was work to be done in changing my perspective, my selfperception mostly. Which I did. and do. It is a process.
Also eyecontact between us feels... different. Difficult to explain how. It just feels more like a zoom, or even being sucked in?
He recently developed the habit to even look into my eyes when talking to someone else. lol
Not for hours of course, but when we are standing or sitting close to each other (which we usually do, as he obviously has not heard anything about social distance zones with a stranger, and from the beginning was always pretty much in my personal, almost intimate zone, even when we met for the first time. lol), but when we are in that physical proximity and our eyes meet even for just a few seconds, it - at least to me- sometimes feels TOO, well too everything I guess.
Maybe it`s jsut that I am more conscious of him?
I don`t know. I can`t explain it well I fear.
Also the pull I felt towards him in the beginning, it was not like a crush or romantic, it felt instinctual and visceral, like something that is just like a law of nature. lol
I know sounds weird. And I´ve been fighting this off for many years, but I am neither a good fighter nor a good runner it seems. WEll you cant really run away from yourself I guess, or your own feelings or whatever.
I stopped trying to figure out what that exactly is, that connection, no clue, but I guess it is not important that i have a name for it. It`s just there.