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T O P I C R E V I E WHeraIt's been like this for a while now. I make some progress, then I stagnate and I fall a bit behind. It's not to the same depth as I used to, but it's, nonetheless, discouraging. Every time I fall back into the same old patterns, the comfort of failing slips back into me. It also doesn't last as long as it used to. It used to last weeks, months even.. now it's just a couple of days. However, I cannot help but feel deeply dissatisfied with this continuing to happen. It sabotages everything when it does. I feel like I want to quit not just that particular aspect of my life that brought this feeling on, but everything. Work, friends, love, health. This is the time when I am most vulnerable and self-destructive. I cannot stand to feel like this, except when I do, I also feel glued to this feeling, stuck, caged. I know I hold the key to getting out.. but like I said, there's some comfort in this desperation and utter sadness. I think, in a way, it reminds me that I still need to feel acutely.. and somehow, it makes me feel more.. human. ------------------This girl is on FIREmirage29Hard to 'tolerate' being in those spaces... sooo uncomfortable! Like "Transition" stage in giving birth-- body can find it hard to tolerate the shifts between laboring contractions and the flutters of the beginning of push. Remember-- this is 'temporary', it cycles, and Breathe! FaithHi Hera!I was fascinated by the thread your signature brought me to. So many cute pics and gifs, for one thing. And I love that song My Aries Venus/SN best friend told me that a few people have said that song reminds them of her. I can see how it applies to you even more I like what you wrote here, realizing you are human, embracing even the low side. I've gone through phases like that, where I am going through dark times in my life but my mind is lit up with a satisfying acceptance and broad perspective. It's nice to ride on top of those waves. HeraThank you, mirage and Faith! What bothers me the most is when the desperation kicks in. Sadness I think by now I can deal with, but when it is associated with that feeling of being out of time, of being pressured to move forward when I don't feel ready to, it takes me to a dark place. I am at least grateful that it doesn't last as long as it did. And I don't go to the same lengths of self destructive behavior as I did in the past. Suicidal tendencies are long behind me. I've limited by sabotaging tendencies to some slacking here and there (housework, exercising and some delays at work that are not crucial). Oh and unnecessarily spending money on psychic readings that are, ultimately, not telling me anything that I wouldn't know if I did some honest soul searching. I think for the most part I'm out of the woods. I've had a whole month, A WHOLE MONTH, of peacefulness and inner serenity. I don't remember calm lasting so long. And it bothers me that I lost it, that it feels like I'm back where I started (though I know that's not true).It's also about something else.. Whenever I am having these bad periods I know it's because I have been avoiding confronting my root issues. The ones that keep influencing my whole outlook on life and behavior. That whole month of calmness came after my biggest breakthrough in dealing with my childhood abuse. Oddly, a psychic helped with that. But then I went straight into the serenity phase, I didn't fully dealt with it. Now it's forcing me to do so and I don't want to. And until I do, I'm stuck here and I hate being stuck more than anything. I want things to start moving, to start happening, I like keeping busy-busy, it's who I am. And now I am stagnant, resisting looking there. It's not like it doesn't have ways to creep up on me. Like dreams, the way this whole horror of looking back the memory lane started. I don't remember my dreams of 2 nights ago, but my bruxism is back - I woke up with a crushed tooth and tiny little bits of it in my mouth. Must have been intense. I know it would all go down more smoothly if I'd just deal with it.. but I don't want that overwhelming emotion back.. all that pain.. I don't ever want to feel it anymore. The anticipation of feeling it again, that is the true source for my state. Sorry for venting, needed to put this in writing somewhere. SPITR is always that perfect place for me. Ami AnneI understand, Friend. ------------------Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/FaithYeah, don't apologize for venting, it all makes good sense and most of us can relate to at least parts of it. I've had desperation and stagnancy before, making enjoyment of life seem impossible. Nowadays I just count on some key transits shifting things; also I have been keeping my head almost blank whenever I can afford to, just to keep everything loose inside. Is job stress a big factor for you? teaselThat's the desperation I've been feeling. Nothing is sable, and I can't count on anyone, or anything, anymore. Either I'm too stagnant, hiding away to stabilize, or I feel like I'm running out of time. That was what I was thinking about this morning, when I didn't want to get up - again. It's worse when people deliberately mess with you.I used to just deal with it, but now it's like I need to escape my own body, because I can't deal with the stress. My home is no longer a "safe" place, and neither are my "friends" - most of them. Nothing feels safe to me anymore. And then I'm told to relax. How? I'm glad you're out of the desperation stage. My root issues are those that I keep being shown as something to really be afraid of, so I don't know how to deal with that. There is no acceptance. But I know what you mean. Is is related to relationships? Jessica2407Hera! You have stunning blue eyes!! I wish I can say something to make you feel better HeraYou don't have to say anything, Jessica. Nobody should, I simply felt the need to put this out there into the ether. Wasn't expecting an answer, though I do hope that it helps [some] people that are going through similar things. I had the nice surprise to hear that about my threads in the past. But the main purpose was just to get it out. Faith, you always seem so *together* that it surprises me to hear you say you're also going through periods like this. But then I remember you're Pisces Moon, so I understand. It gets heavy for my Moon-Neptune conjunction, too. Yeah, work issues are a big part of it. My on growing dissatisfaction with the way things are done at my workplace and the compromises I must make to do my job have been a problem for some time now, as well as my rebellious attitude and the reaction it had from my boss. I do feel though that they're all connected and perhaps I wouldn't perceive my conflict with my boss so acutely if it wasn't for my daddy issues and the problems with authority that it brought me. I just cleaned all the cat hair from my rugs, I feel better already. All I needed to snap out of it was to get physical and busy, the way my Aries stellium likes it. And while I was doing that I realized that I might procrastinate all I want, but until I confront my family and especially my father about what happened, I will never get out of this emotional prison. And I owe it to myself to do so. These days it's been 1 year since I cut my family off. I think my subconscious was also trying to remind me of that. I should put things in order soon, dragging this on will do me no good. HeraTeasel, I can relate, especially about not being able to count on anyone. I think in my case, though, it was my choice because one of my biggest fears is to be emotionally dependent on someone else. THAT would kill me. It is very difficult to go through it alone, though. I went through the biggest part of it by myself. Nobody knew about my depression or suicide attempt, about being medicated for months or about the abuses in my past (except my therapist, I mean). I started telling some of those things only recently, but mostly just hinting on them not the whole story. I don't want to deal with people's reactions, to be honest. I mean, I am finally okay with my past. Sure, it was unfair and bad and horrible and all that. But I came through it and I remained sane. I don't want their friggin sympathy or their awkwardness in dealing with me, treating me differently because of what I went through. If I tell someone, it's mainly for me, for letting it out, not for some bonding ritual following such confessions. Anyways, I do suppose having real good friends could have made this whole thing easier. But when did I ever follow the easier path?! quote:Is is related to relationships?There's no relationship at present. I decided not to get involved with anyone and screwing up more connections until I am fully capable of relating on a healthy level. However, the lack of any romantic intimacy can become burdensome after a while, even though I rationally reject it. It started manifesting in weird ways, like developing a female crush who got me quite confused there for a couple of days, re my orientation and the true nature of that connection. And I recently got a trigger of some sorts, reminding me how badly I really do suck at the whole intimacy thing. It's something I was aware of but would have gladly avoided confronting. Too late now. Some good came of it, at least I was reminded I still have work to do.. But yeah, it bothers me that I am unable to relate to another person at the level I wish I could. Not very good at the whole vulnerability thing, I wish there was some way around it. Teasel, what are you really afraid of? What is the root of your fear?mirage29 mirage29(clip) 'Riding Scene' from The Horse Whisperer [6:39] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjcUBcdERhI teasel quote:Originally posted by Hera:Teasel, I can relate, especially about not being able to count on anyone. I think in my case, though, it was my choice because one of my biggest fears is to be emotionally dependent on someone else. THAT would kill me. It is very difficult to go through it alone, though. I went through the biggest part of it by myself. Nobody knew about my depression or suicide attempt, about being medicated for months or about the abuses in my past (except my therapist, I mean). I started telling some of those things only recently, but mostly just hinting on them not the whole story. I don't want to deal with people's reactions, to be honest. I mean, I am finally okay with my past. Sure, it was unfair and bad and horrible and all that. But I came through it and I remained sane. I don't want their friggin sympathy or their awkwardness in dealing with me, treating me differently because of what I went through. If I tell someone, it's mainly for me, for letting it out, not for some bonding ritual following such confessions. Anyways, I do suppose having real good friends could have made this whole thing easier. But when did I ever follow the easier path?! [QUOTE]Is is related to relationships?There's no relationship at present. I decided not to get involved with anyone and screwing up more connections until I am fully capable of relating on a healthy level. However, the lack of any romantic intimacy can become burdensome after a while, even though I rationally reject it. It started manifesting in weird ways, like developing a female crush who got me quite confused there for a couple of days, re my orientation and the true nature of that connection. And I recently got a trigger of some sorts, reminding me how badly I really do suck at the whole intimacy thing. It's something I was aware of but would have gladly avoided confronting. Too late now. Some good came of it, at least I was reminded I still have work to do.. But yeah, it bothers me that I am unable to relate to another person at the level I wish I could. Not very good at the whole vulnerability thing, I wish there was some way around it. Teasel, what are you really afraid of? What is the root of your fear?[/QUOTE]I see mirage deleted something that I missed. I've been feeling the same way: backed off from anything romantic, and have also backed away from friends, precisely because relationships just seem to be falling apart lately. I have *a lot* of fear about all sorts of things, and I wasn't here looking for sympathy - if only someone's sympathy could make things all better, although it's much nicer than being kicked when you're down. One of my fears happened in another thread right here - it's ongoing. This time it was due to my putting my foot in my mouth, and I hate that she's hurt because of that - I wasn't even close to thinking about her when I made that remark. But with the other stuff: I don't get it. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling so confused. And then people wonder why I'm suicidal: I apparently just suck. I've had people turning on me out of nowhere. yesterday, my sister grabbed onto me, was hitting my back and then proceeded to try to kick at me when I turned around to defend myself - looking me right in the eye, threatening me, and telling me over and over how much she *hated* me, insulting me all the while - all because of her husband. I'm to blame for anything that happened, he didn't really hit on me, I'm delusional, blah blah blah - she listed anything she could think of, that's happened over the course of my life, and tried to say anything that would hurt. It didn't hurt as much as usual, because I know she's full of it, pushing an agenda, but it hurts because of who she is, and the fact that she's trying to tear me down. And that people decided I was untrustworthy when I wasn't, and that two other "friends" turned on me out of nowhere. So now I'm just either going to take things really badly, or not give a **** . I'm not crying as I write this - for a change. It's funny: I almost said to mirage that she reminded me of one of the friends who ditched me recently. Interesting. mirage29sorry teasel! I'll go through my papers and find it and re-post... But I'll be going to bed very shortly now. ADDED 8/9 5amHi teasel... I found my print of what I'd posted. In a nutshell it was about work of Elyn Saks and her fight against stigmatization. She's a lawyer, a research professor, in Calif. who suffers from schizophrenia. I was trying to comfort Hera's feeling of aloneness in having to put on a good face because of her career, during that time her suffering was compounded by her social inability to share her feelings (at that time period in life.) She had the wise fear that peers could shun her. Elyn's story related to that a bit. (But Elyn had SMI)teasel, I'm sorry that friends have let you down. Sometimes when people are scared others will disappoint them, then it happens. I don't mean to let you down. I'm sorry if I do anything that makes you uneasy like that. I'm going through some fear and disappointments I've had with my life recently.... If you feel I'm withdrawing, it's not that I am withdrawing from you, okay? I'm just dealing with my own junk. Feel an ineptitude. Feel weakness. I think part of my soul is sifting through hurts and wounds of being told deliberately that I'm not good enough for being involved in what I want; of being doomed to fail because what I want is already reserved for someone else who deserves it.I attract friends. I've been told I'm a (positive) people-magnet. I love to LOVE people with all the depths inside me.But it's like shiny objects... people want the object when it's full of power, or anointing, but when this lifts and they find 'just me' then they're disappointed. And I wonder about myself.... Yes, the moments are extremely real-- all the inspiration and love flowing out. But when the flow rests, and I've been depleted, and I need 'best' kinds of friends who accept me unconditionally? then I feel afraid and alone. A 'thing'. Ugly. A turtle without a shell... can it live, exposed? I need friends who can surround and accept me whether I radiate like a sun, or seem misty and unknowable. I need to receive love, as well as bubble and give it out.teasel, I thank you for telling me you felt this way-- like one of your friends who leave you. I don't want to leave you; but you personally learned my life situation may take me away from all internet connections. (I don't want to think that way-- hoping for bright solutions and fulfillment).teasel, I'm concerned about the 'violence' in your house, with your friends, your sister. I hope better arrangements are made for you regarding this!(bedtime now for me-- roommate is suspended from his job. we use the one bed in shifts. had to throw his bed away mid june a few months ago. see you later!)so sorry if I'm sounding more heavy and serious... sometimes my energy can't help it right now, until my situation is remedied.mirage29teasel!... sometimes I think or feel that people don't like my posts, so I decide whether it's appropriate to sweep those out of the way of the topic. But if I know that people specifically LOOK for my posts, then I leave them. I generally leave a great majority of my posts up. Removal is situational... like fixing the putting foot in mouth posts.I like the respect that is given to ones who are spilling some heavy stuff about their lives. 'No whole quoting' is respected... almost as unspoken rule of politeness.... even when author had not stated it outrightly.I'll usually put an expiration date on some posts that I plan to majorly crop or edit--So, thank you teasel!! HeraHugs to you both! Coming back to my sappy threads is always challenging for me, so don't feel offended if I don't reply much. It's me. So I am totally numbing the pain with some alcohol tonight. Not the smartest or the best way to go about it - agreed. But I need to not feel right now. ------------------This girl is on FIREHeraBest idea ever! I'm even feeling sociable tonight (didn't earlier).------------------This girl is on FIRE
------------------This girl is on FIRE
I was fascinated by the thread your signature brought me to. So many cute pics and gifs, for one thing. And I love that song My Aries Venus/SN best friend told me that a few people have said that song reminds them of her. I can see how it applies to you even more
I like what you wrote here, realizing you are human, embracing even the low side. I've gone through phases like that, where I am going through dark times in my life but my mind is lit up with a satisfying acceptance and broad perspective.
It's nice to ride on top of those waves.
What bothers me the most is when the desperation kicks in. Sadness I think by now I can deal with, but when it is associated with that feeling of being out of time, of being pressured to move forward when I don't feel ready to, it takes me to a dark place. I am at least grateful that it doesn't last as long as it did. And I don't go to the same lengths of self destructive behavior as I did in the past. Suicidal tendencies are long behind me. I've limited by sabotaging tendencies to some slacking here and there (housework, exercising and some delays at work that are not crucial). Oh and unnecessarily spending money on psychic readings that are, ultimately, not telling me anything that I wouldn't know if I did some honest soul searching.
I think for the most part I'm out of the woods. I've had a whole month, A WHOLE MONTH, of peacefulness and inner serenity. I don't remember calm lasting so long. And it bothers me that I lost it, that it feels like I'm back where I started (though I know that's not true).
It's also about something else.. Whenever I am having these bad periods I know it's because I have been avoiding confronting my root issues. The ones that keep influencing my whole outlook on life and behavior. That whole month of calmness came after my biggest breakthrough in dealing with my childhood abuse. Oddly, a psychic helped with that. But then I went straight into the serenity phase, I didn't fully dealt with it. Now it's forcing me to do so and I don't want to. And until I do, I'm stuck here and I hate being stuck more than anything. I want things to start moving, to start happening, I like keeping busy-busy, it's who I am. And now I am stagnant, resisting looking there. It's not like it doesn't have ways to creep up on me. Like dreams, the way this whole horror of looking back the memory lane started. I don't remember my dreams of 2 nights ago, but my bruxism is back - I woke up with a crushed tooth and tiny little bits of it in my mouth. Must have been intense. I know it would all go down more smoothly if I'd just deal with it.. but I don't want that overwhelming emotion back.. all that pain.. I don't ever want to feel it anymore. The anticipation of feeling it again, that is the true source for my state.
Sorry for venting, needed to put this in writing somewhere. SPITR is always that perfect place for me.
------------------Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
I've had desperation and stagnancy before, making enjoyment of life seem impossible. Nowadays I just count on some key transits shifting things; also I have been keeping my head almost blank whenever I can afford to, just to keep everything loose inside.
Is job stress a big factor for you?
I'm glad you're out of the desperation stage. My root issues are those that I keep being shown as something to really be afraid of, so I don't know how to deal with that. There is no acceptance. But I know what you mean.
Is is related to relationships?
I wish I can say something to make you feel better
Faith, you always seem so *together* that it surprises me to hear you say you're also going through periods like this. But then I remember you're Pisces Moon, so I understand. It gets heavy for my Moon-Neptune conjunction, too. Yeah, work issues are a big part of it. My on growing dissatisfaction with the way things are done at my workplace and the compromises I must make to do my job have been a problem for some time now, as well as my rebellious attitude and the reaction it had from my boss. I do feel though that they're all connected and perhaps I wouldn't perceive my conflict with my boss so acutely if it wasn't for my daddy issues and the problems with authority that it brought me. I just cleaned all the cat hair from my rugs, I feel better already. All I needed to snap out of it was to get physical and busy, the way my Aries stellium likes it. And while I was doing that I realized that I might procrastinate all I want, but until I confront my family and especially my father about what happened, I will never get out of this emotional prison. And I owe it to myself to do so. These days it's been 1 year since I cut my family off. I think my subconscious was also trying to remind me of that. I should put things in order soon, dragging this on will do me no good.
I can relate, especially about not being able to count on anyone. I think in my case, though, it was my choice because one of my biggest fears is to be emotionally dependent on someone else. THAT would kill me. It is very difficult to go through it alone, though. I went through the biggest part of it by myself. Nobody knew about my depression or suicide attempt, about being medicated for months or about the abuses in my past (except my therapist, I mean). I started telling some of those things only recently, but mostly just hinting on them not the whole story. I don't want to deal with people's reactions, to be honest. I mean, I am finally okay with my past. Sure, it was unfair and bad and horrible and all that. But I came through it and I remained sane. I don't want their friggin sympathy or their awkwardness in dealing with me, treating me differently because of what I went through. If I tell someone, it's mainly for me, for letting it out, not for some bonding ritual following such confessions. Anyways, I do suppose having real good friends could have made this whole thing easier. But when did I ever follow the easier path?!
quote:Is is related to relationships?
Teasel, what are you really afraid of? What is the root of your fear?
quote:Originally posted by Hera:Teasel, I can relate, especially about not being able to count on anyone. I think in my case, though, it was my choice because one of my biggest fears is to be emotionally dependent on someone else. THAT would kill me. It is very difficult to go through it alone, though. I went through the biggest part of it by myself. Nobody knew about my depression or suicide attempt, about being medicated for months or about the abuses in my past (except my therapist, I mean). I started telling some of those things only recently, but mostly just hinting on them not the whole story. I don't want to deal with people's reactions, to be honest. I mean, I am finally okay with my past. Sure, it was unfair and bad and horrible and all that. But I came through it and I remained sane. I don't want their friggin sympathy or their awkwardness in dealing with me, treating me differently because of what I went through. If I tell someone, it's mainly for me, for letting it out, not for some bonding ritual following such confessions. Anyways, I do suppose having real good friends could have made this whole thing easier. But when did I ever follow the easier path?! [QUOTE]Is is related to relationships?
[QUOTE]Is is related to relationships?
Teasel, what are you really afraid of? What is the root of your fear?[/QUOTE]
I see mirage deleted something that I missed.
I've been feeling the same way: backed off from anything romantic, and have also backed away from friends, precisely because relationships just seem to be falling apart lately. I have *a lot* of fear about all sorts of things, and I wasn't here looking for sympathy - if only someone's sympathy could make things all better, although it's much nicer than being kicked when you're down. One of my fears happened in another thread right here - it's ongoing. This time it was due to my putting my foot in my mouth, and I hate that she's hurt because of that - I wasn't even close to thinking about her when I made that remark. But with the other stuff: I don't get it. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling so confused. And then people wonder why I'm suicidal: I apparently just suck. I've had people turning on me out of nowhere. yesterday, my sister grabbed onto me, was hitting my back and then proceeded to try to kick at me when I turned around to defend myself - looking me right in the eye, threatening me, and telling me over and over how much she *hated* me, insulting me all the while - all because of her husband. I'm to blame for anything that happened, he didn't really hit on me, I'm delusional, blah blah blah - she listed anything she could think of, that's happened over the course of my life, and tried to say anything that would hurt. It didn't hurt as much as usual, because I know she's full of it, pushing an agenda, but it hurts because of who she is, and the fact that she's trying to tear me down. And that people decided I was untrustworthy when I wasn't, and that two other "friends" turned on me out of nowhere. So now I'm just either going to take things really badly, or not give a **** .
I'm not crying as I write this - for a change. It's funny: I almost said to mirage that she reminded me of one of the friends who ditched me recently. Interesting.
But I'll be going to bed very shortly now.
ADDED 8/9 5am
Hi teasel... I found my print of what I'd posted. In a nutshell it was about work of Elyn Saks and her fight against stigmatization. She's a lawyer, a research professor, in Calif. who suffers from schizophrenia.
I was trying to comfort Hera's feeling of aloneness in having to put on a good face because of her career, during that time her suffering was compounded by her social inability to share her feelings (at that time period in life.) She had the wise fear that peers could shun her. Elyn's story related to that a bit. (But Elyn had SMI)
teasel, I'm sorry that friends have let you down. Sometimes when people are scared others will disappoint them, then it happens. I don't mean to let you down. I'm sorry if I do anything that makes you uneasy like that. I'm going through some fear and disappointments I've had with my life recently.... If you feel I'm withdrawing, it's not that I am withdrawing from you, okay? I'm just dealing with my own junk. Feel an ineptitude. Feel weakness.
I think part of my soul is sifting through hurts and wounds of being told deliberately that I'm not good enough for being involved in what I want; of being doomed to fail because what I want is already reserved for someone else who deserves it.
I attract friends. I've been told I'm a (positive) people-magnet. I love to LOVE people with all the depths inside me.
But it's like shiny objects... people want the object when it's full of power, or anointing, but when this lifts and they find 'just me' then they're disappointed. And I wonder about myself.... Yes, the moments are extremely real-- all the inspiration and love flowing out. But when the flow rests, and I've been depleted, and I need 'best' kinds of friends who accept me unconditionally? then I feel afraid and alone. A 'thing'. Ugly. A turtle without a shell... can it live, exposed? I need friends who can surround and accept me whether I radiate like a sun, or seem misty and unknowable. I need to receive love, as well as bubble and give it out.
teasel, I thank you for telling me you felt this way-- like one of your friends who leave you. I don't want to leave you; but you personally learned my life situation may take me away from all internet connections. (I don't want to think that way-- hoping for bright solutions and fulfillment).
teasel, I'm concerned about the 'violence' in your house, with your friends, your sister. I hope better arrangements are made for you regarding this!
(bedtime now for me-- roommate is suspended from his job. we use the one bed in shifts. had to throw his bed away mid june a few months ago. see you later!)
so sorry if I'm sounding more heavy and serious... sometimes my energy can't help it right now, until my situation is remedied.
But if I know that people specifically LOOK for my posts, then I leave them. I generally leave a great majority of my posts up. Removal is situational... like fixing the putting foot in mouth posts.
I like the respect that is given to ones who are spilling some heavy stuff about their lives. 'No whole quoting' is respected... almost as unspoken rule of politeness.... even when author had not stated it outrightly.
I'll usually put an expiration date on some posts that I plan to majorly crop or edit--
So, thank you teasel!!
Coming back to my sappy threads is always challenging for me, so don't feel offended if I don't reply much. It's me.
So I am totally numbing the pain with some alcohol tonight. Not the smartest or the best way to go about it - agreed. But I need to not feel right now.
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