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Author
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Topic: Anxiety concerning relationships
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dorkus_malorkus
Knowflake Posts: 596
From: Sacto, CA, USA
Registered: Jun 2003
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posted December 18, 2004 10:49 PM
 
Well, I know I am only 18 but I've never been in a relationship (by relationship I mean something that has lasted longer than a week.) I did meet a guy since I moved here a couple of months ago but he turned out to be a jerk as far as relationships are concerned (we're still friends somewhat) It feels weird cos all my friends are talking about marriage already, and they know who they wanna be with, but the prospect of having a relationship terrifies me. I am deathly afraid of having sex and I'm tired of meeting all these jerks who are only interested in me for that sole purpose. I do know that there is this part of me though that's incomplete, like I really do want a companion and I don't wanna spend the rest of my days alone here. Is it strange for me to have constant thoughts of sex, but never wanting to actually do it? Or are my standards too high? My friends all tell me my standards can never be too high, but that's only cos they're in relationships. Do you guys think I'm freaking out for nothing? One reason things didn't work out with the one guys is because I, apparently, am not too affectionate. My family was never too affectionate and as a result I am the same way - I tend to push people away, although deep down I really would like a hug every now and again. I can honestly say it is tearing me up inside. Does anybody have any advice? IP: Logged |
running_bull
Knowflake Posts: 48
From: the desert, usa
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted December 19, 2004 05:12 AM
I could give you advice, but feel it would be woefully inadequate. Just know, that I wish you the best and hope wonderful things come to you in your life, including true and healing love.One bit of advice... touching (intimacy) is very important in life and your problems with it is something you will have to work through. I did. A book that helped me a lot initially is called revolution from within by gloria steinem. If you are really broke, don't worry it can be found at your local library. If you are a woman, I also recommend female rage by mary valentis and anna devane. Good luck. P.S. since you're 18 and I have 11 years on you. I feel comfortable saying this, get to school a good educated mind will give you many more options in life. winter session probably begins soon at your local jc. :end bossy advice:  IP: Logged |
sthenri
Moderator Posts: 2657
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003
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posted December 19, 2004 03:42 PM
You are right to be afraid at first, nobody is perfect or knows what they are doing at 18, I didn't even make love to my first man until I was 19 and it was too soon I think. Hugging is great, there is nothing wrong with it, but hugging a guy is tricky, try hugging with the arm only or just squeezing his shoulder first. That is usually more than enough to show affection.Remember you want to show affection, not give it, you just want to feel better, not always get close. There is nothing wrong with thinking about sex, it's planning, it's normal, it's what you have to do to imagine if you are ready or not. Don't get anxious, that's why so many college age people drink, to look unconcerned. But everyone is as anxious as you are. Try taking calcium, drink milk, stay away from coffee, and initiate conversation. Men are happy to have any converstional hints from a woman, try asking one out for a coffee sometime, and that's affection too. Sex will come naturally when you find someone you really hit it off with, who makes you feel good inside about the decision, he will be your friend. Take Care,
Natasha
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scorpbaby
Knowflake Posts: 331
From: Ny, USA
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted December 19, 2004 04:59 PM
I'm expereincing the same anxiety as you. So you're not alone I just turned 19 and have never been in a relationship, or one that's lasted longer than week! I'm also still a "V", guys never believe me, and I wish it was all different and I was at the same level as everyone else. But I've decided to wait until I'm in love to do that.
It's hard though because I feel like a very sexual person just alot more reserved then most girls at my age. And in college it's so difficult because most of these guys I meet on the weekends only want *one thing* It's made me feel hopeless, because I just refuse to give myself up that easily. I always feel like my standards are too high but they're def. not, and I'm sure yours aren't either. It's just a matter of meeting the right person and getting to know them intimately w/o sex.
The lack of love in my life has caused me to worry obsessively about it, which in turn causes periods of depression and anxiety. One thing that my two bestfriends always tell me always gives me hope (they happen to be in relationships) They tell me that even though I haven't had a relationship yet, the fact that I've had this time to discover more about myself is great. So when the right guy comes along it will be a mature relationship, something substantial and sustaining. In my case I know I have some past issues that's made intimacy difficult for me. To men I sometimes appear very closed off or aloof, unapproachable. I may come off as cold, and this couldn't be further from the truth. Although I want to be in love so badly there are things that terrify me about going through with it. I've actaully avoided people that I wanted to be with, out of unamed fears. It makes me feel quite immature and pathetic, but I shouldn't beat myself up. And you shouldn't either*
I always think about the song by the Supremes..."You can't hurry love, no you just go to wait" It's kind of a cliche,but it's true! Just keep hoping, staying positive, and don't give into your fears and doubts about relationships (yea I know, it's easier said!) 
Have courage and faith~ IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 284
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted December 19, 2004 11:34 PM
Dorkus_Malorkus,It's only natural for you to be thinking a lot about sex but not actually wanting to do it. You're being driven by biological urges, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders which is telling you that the right circumstances haven't yet presented themselves. I'm guessing that the urges are not only biological... physical intimacy is an emotional need as well and it sounds like it's not just the sex that you're wanting, but the emotional connection. You're on the right track, from what I'm reading. Your friends may be thinking about marriage, but it's certainly not something you want to rush! I'm 28 and I still don't feel like I'm ready for that kind of commitment. From 18-25 I thought I was, but looking back now I'm glad that I didn't take that path. You change so much in your 20's! What you want now is most likely not what you'll want in ten years. I think the advice others have given you is great advice. If you meet someone you like, get together and spend time, let a friendship develop. You'll know when the time is right and when it is I don't think you'll have any problems expressing your affection. And by the way, I don't think your standards can be too high. They're your standards and you know better than anyone else what you want. Keep listening to that inner voice. Sounds like it hasn't steered you in the wrong direction yet! IP: Logged |
hereisgone
Knowflake Posts: 62
From: Charleston, WV
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted December 20, 2004 12:38 PM
scorpbaby,I couldn't have written it better myself. That describes me perfectly, except I just turned 25. It's nice to know that it's not just me. It's quite embarrassing having never being in a relationship and still "being a V" at 25. I feel like everyone else is wondering what's wrong with me that no guy wants me, and that just puts on even more pressure. IP: Logged |
dorkus_malorkus
Knowflake Posts: 596
From: Sacto, CA, USA
Registered: Jun 2003
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posted December 20, 2004 09:33 PM
Thank you all for your priceless advice IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 284
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted December 20, 2004 09:59 PM
Nirvana!IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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