posted January 06, 2006 06:25 PM         

Sometimes I feel as if I had lost hope. And that’s exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. I need to learn to love and forgive myself because during all my life I’ve been feeling like a loser, pitying myself. I need to love myself before I can expect to be loved by anyone else. No surprise that my love life is non-existant. Recently I even have trouble to feel any kind of warmth from friends and family. It’s like I’m getting locked in… and I don’t even care much.

I’m tired. And my Saturn return is already here. I haven’t been more out of focus and discouraged in my whole life. My life is just lurching. Purposeless. I simply cannot hold the reins. It feels as if I was playing truant with Saturn but I honestly cannot give more. I’m reaching the limit.

I know the lessons: trust the future, love and forgive myself, accept myself, feel whole and happy, calm my anger towards life… Relax a bit, stop feeling like a loser, give others the chance to get close and touch my heart… But they appear to be impossible to pass.

I can’t. Life has been emotionally harsh. Draining. I lost too much blood in the battlefield to end up losing every battle. How the hell am I going to trust winning the war? Why should I respect and love myself? I couldn’t win a single battle, I must not be that good… How can I expect to think otherwise?

Something tells me that something will change. That my life is not always going to be this hell, that I have a chance to be happy… But I’m starting to even disbelieve my own instinct.

I have tried to unleash my inner power, to channel and unblock my positive energy… I’m even taking belly dance lessons, getting sessions of cromotherapy… It’s not working… For a while, it was promising… but now I’m starting to feel uncapable of doing it well and a bit demotivated. I’m still emotionally blocked.

I’m feeling so sad… Maybe it’s that Grand-Square up in the sky… My Saturn return… My natal Venus and Saturn are conjunct in the 8th house in Leo.